feeling really down and not getting support

mrnice1058 · May 2012

Well like the title says

i feel like i am working so hard and i am only loosing 2 pounds or so. and now that its spring/summer i have no time to really work out much anymore. House work has taken me over, spending time with my wife and daughter has taken over. I spend the past 3 weeks leveling out my backyard
562157_409729682392338_100000659293914_1395046_2013994342_n.jpg

562157_409729682392338_100000659293914_1395046_2013994342_n.jpg

putting my daughter play set together
577324_410356048996368_100000659293914_1397579_994959604_n.jpg

536511_410356158996357_100000659293914_1397582_742165921_n.jpg

dieting the best i could until lately. with life being the way it is as of late i have no time to prepare the food i would normally eat. My wife is a great cook but she tends to lean to a lot of the things that i don't want to eat. with me doing all of the house repairs and dealing with the backyard i just eat what ever she cooks. Two nights ago i worked from 730am to 730 pm. I didnt get home until 8:15 i came home to the biggest plate of white rice and kidney beans and baked chicken legs with the skin on. i was so tired and hungry i just ate it. i know shame on me i should of pulled the skin off. but i was tired so my fault. Yesterday i worked from 730am-4 being that i am the basketball coach here at my job the senors asked if we could play a pick up game one last time before they graduate so i agreed and i played for an hour. rushed out to the baseball field to play softball. I am very active being that i play first base. i come home again to a big plate of rice and beans and sausages. and again i'm so tired and so hungry i just ate it. My wife says to me go relax take a shower i will pack your lunch for you. i was very grateful. i told her what i wanted to pack for my breakfast and for lunch. I guess she didnt hear me because this morning i open my bag and instead of 2 hard boiled eggs i have a bowl of dulce de leche cheerios and milk

instead of a can of tuna with wheat bread i have 2 sausages from lastnights dinner with some rice and beans.

I am doing this process for 3 reasons! One for me to get into better shape and perform better at the sports i play. also get my blood pressure down from being in the 130s over 90s. 2 to be around and healthy for my daughter. So that way when i have to dance with her at the father daughter dances and for her wedding i am in good shape to be able to be active! and 3 to be there for my wife to make sure i am not a health burden on her as we get older.

a few weeks ago my wife and i got into a fight. In result of that fight some things got said that could of been worded differently. My wife is over weight which is fine by me i like chunkier girls and she knows that. i told her in a joking way i married her because i knew she would keep me warm at night..lol but the thing is now she is border line diabetic and that scares me because she is not doing much to loose the 35 pounds that the doctor asked her to loose. i have begged fought and pleaded with her. and during that fight i brought that up about her needed to loose the pounds and in a mean way i told her you know when you will loose the pounds when they cut off your leg from the diabetes. yes i know it was wrong but it sparked a fire under *kitten*, but like usual it only lasted a few weeks. and now she is back at it. eating junk food having dunkin donuts and all that. That is one thing i can tell you that i don't do. I don't dunkin donut and if i do its usually on a saturday or sunday and we are in a rush to go somewhere and then i will get a coffee and a bagel and thats it. I gave up soda and i have not had it for about 3 months so far. she continues to buy soda but i dont drink it. and whats scaring me is my daughter is going to go down that path and i am trying very hard to fight it.

Sorry for the rant but that is how i am feeling right now and I am starting to get down on myself and not thinking clearly! Its hard for me to be this kind of a fighter and not see any winning results i need help and i dont know what to do any more!

UsaJewels05 · May 2012

I believe that you are very concerned for your family (your health and your wife's health). You need to sit down and talk with her (not during fighting or pleading). Just a serious conversation about what needs to be done to make sure that your Daughter has both of her parents around for her and for when you both have grandchildren. She needs to know that diabetes is very serious, and their are so many more benefits to being healthy.

As must as I would like to look better, I am trying to lose the weight for my family. I am recently married and my husband is super skinny, he is very supportive but he can eat anything he wants and doesn't gain a pound. It can be very frustrating and difficult when you are not on the same page and working for the same goal.

I believe if you can get your wife on board things will increasingly get better. Maybe you could take a healthy cooking class together or something.

Hang in there, and try to convince her without coming from anger.

bbshell0219 · May 2012

I'm sorry that does sound tough. It sounds like you're heart is in the right place, you've just got to have a heart to heart with your wife and really let her know your concerns. You are really wanting the best for everyone, and it seems like if you could just get your point across to your wife that you are not only concerned about your health but also for hers and your daughters, in a positive way, she will have to finally see your point and get onboard. Good luck to you and stay motivated

mrnice1058 · May 2012

thank you for the kind words but i can tell you i have tried that. and the only time i ever spoke out of anger with her about her weight was in this past fight. it was mostly because it was one of the things i felt she wasn't helping me with. and even up to today she will listen to what i say and 2 to 3 weeks later she is back at her old ways. i would kill for her to be back to the way she was when i first meet her. I know i am not the same but i am very active i play sports and if i am not playing sports or working around the house or cars i am working out or running around with my daughter. but she will just sit there and watch tv or sit on her laptop and or phone. She is now into zumba which is a great thing but its once a week and the way she eats she will burn 300-500 cal but put in 500-800 cal with one snack. its just very hard right now for me and i am thinking about doing something that it against what i wanted to do in the first place but i feel its going to be the only way i can get back to my 220 goal!

qtiekiki · May 2012

That is a tough spot to be in. I know that you are concerned about your wife's health, but there isn't much you can do about it until she wants to lose the weight for herself. I know you are tired, but is there any ways you can prep some healthier foods over the weekends that you can freeze for the week. You can use crockpot recipes, so you don't have to be watching it constantly and you can still do housework and spend time with your family. That way, you don't have to just eat what your wife makes it it's not something that doesn't fit your diet plan. And you just keep going. Maybe when she sees your results, she will be motivated to lose those 35lbs that her doctor wants her to lose. Hang in there. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

tcbutler · May 2012

Sorry to hear about how things are going for you, that can be rough. Don't give up though! I know it can be hard to stay positive, but you have to be and just keep trying. We are here for you!

mrnice1058 · May 2012

yeah i am trying that! i went from 321 to now 283 and you would think it would push her but its not. I went on a tear from 4 months eating right working out and it just all came to a stand still because of priorities. it sucks but it has to get done. i am sure i will bounce back i am just getting weaker and weaker by the day with out any support from my family and my wife it makes me want to give up. hell my wife said to me one day when i was tired and on my strict diet "i like you better when you was fat" those words are like burnt into my brain and it makes me feel like i am working so hard but its making her unhappy by doing better for myself

cmthorsness · May 2012

Much easier to lose with someone. She needs to find a couple friends to do it with her and they can support one another. Sometimes its easier for a friend to talk to her about this. I would be hurt and pissed if my hubby told me to lose, even tho it is with best intentions. Good Luck.

BrionyTallis · May 2012

Show her this thread ... sometimes reading gets through where hearing does not.

jerzypeach · May 2012

Hi there. I'm so sorry that you have to go through all this. From your post, you seem like a hard-working, committed, caring, and fun father and husband.

I learned a long time ago, that other people will do what they want to, and that doesn't always jive with what you want. You can't change them.....they have to get to that place all on their own. Some people have to learn the hard way.....and others have to learn the REALLY hard way....like losing a limb to diabetes.

This fact, does not mean that YOU have to be a victim of their poor choices. You are in charge of YOU, what you choose to put into your mouth, and how you choose to move your body.

I know that this will sound like more work on top of your already full and physically demanding schedule, but a prior poster mentioned about setting yourself up with your own food for the week. Perhaps with a crock pot meal that can be put into freezer containers so it's easy to heat up quickly when you are home late and tired? Perhaps roast a couple of chickens on a Sunday and eat off them during the week?

I personally found this to be very empowering and took the pressure off the person who did most of the cooking of things that were not on my own eating plan. NOW......my whole family eats much more healthily....because I quietly and with no excuses, worked my own plan, got results, and they are now on board.

It will take a little time. You may want to approach this with the attitude that you are not judging your wife or her cooking, but that right now, this is what YOU need in order to feel healthy and able to keep up your work load. She will see your results......there will be no more fighting because you are not subject to what she's putting on the table.....and she will see that there is a more healthy way to live and find the strength and courage to join you.

Please know that we are here to help and support you! Best wishes!!!

_RachelB_ · May 2012

That's a tough position. It's difficult when you are trying to change your lifestyle to stay healthy and you get no support from a person that probably needs it more than you do. The truth is, you can't make her want to help herself, but you still have the choice to do what you can for yourself. Rice and beans and sausage isn't terrible if you control your portions. But as far as packing lunches and controlling your daily intake, you may just want to take it into your own hands and not depend on her to prepare these things for you.

She probably just became overly sensitive and defensive when you brought up the 35lbs she needs to lose because of her own insecurities. She sees you losing weight, and it makes her feel less attractive. Diabetes is serious and people are experts of denial. Keep healthy substitutions in your house, always. And when you are served a big plate of rice, beans, and sausage...cut the portion. Nobody is forcing you to eat anything.

You might be on your own for the time being but it is still well worth the effort.

chi18 · May 2012

Oh, my heart breaks just reading this... First of all, your daughter is BEAUTIFUL! And she is so, so lucky to have a father who clearly loves her as much as you do and who is making his health a priority in order to be there for her. I say this as a daughter whose father has never, ever taken care of himself or thought of anyone else for one moment - she is a lucky girl and you should be proud of yourself for being such a wonderful father.

OK, I agree with a previous poster: you and your wife need to sit down when you're calm and haven't been working for 13 hours and have a serious talk. Do you see the same doctor? Maybe you can make an appointment to sit down and speak with your doctor together. And I can tell you're just super busy and clearly burning the candle at both ends and tired, but you may need to be a little more responsible for your own foods while your wife is figuring things out. If you want hard boiled eggs, hard boil a dozen every Sunday so you have them for the week and you can just grab them for your lunches. Who does the grocery shopping? Maybe you can take over or just help out with that. I find that it's easier for me to make my lunch for the next day if I get it out of the way before I shower and settle in for the night, even when I'm wiped out and just want to crash.

And try supporting your wife a bit with her exercise when you can. Go with her to her Zumba class (mine always has at least one man) and let her laugh at you when you make a mistake. Suggest that the whole family go out for a walk after dinner a couple of times a week just to get her moving. And while you're walking, hold her hand for a minute - you still love her so show her that. This is not easy for her, but her perception may be that it is easy for you so let her know you're there to support her. And comtinue to come on here and log everything and we can support you! Feel free to send me a friend request, I will support you!

mrnice1058 · May 2012

i know what you guys are saying trust me i can tell you when i had more time in my day i was more controlling of what i would eat. These pass few weeks with the back yard sports and cars has been very tough for me. and i get home and i am just beat and i mean to the point that i would shower eat and try to stay away to play with my daughter for a little while by 930-10 i am knocked out. just to get up at 6 to do it again. I helped my wife cook almost everyday during the colder months. now that it is warmer my list of things to do is longer then my arm. not making excuses and maybe i need to take 30 mins or so every night when i am done doing my work and prepare my meals like i use to. Just over whelming when i am fighting a loosing fight. Not saying i am in perfect health my blood pressure currently sits at 131 over 91 and i want to get that lower. I know i need to do it but like everyone said its easier to do it with a friend but 90% of my friends are skinny and the ones that are in need of getting into shape seem not to have the commitment that i have. I just dont understand how someone can follow along on a plan for 3 weeks and then wake up the next day and say **** it, this is to hard i am going back to my old ways! i don't know maybe because i was an athlete my whole life and i know what it takes to get to the top and i will not give up. i am just hitting a big speed bump right now. as far as the things in my house i already put a stop to all the cookies and all the chips and stuff like that. but i just dont know anymore. i am on the fence about a lot of things in my life right now i guess but its just hard for me. no clue why i am taking it like this but i can tell you i am pretty much very down and i feel weak, which seems to be a common theme for me as of late.

A_New_Horizon · May 2012

I totally understand how hard it is to stay motivated when people around you aren't. I am a single mother of 2 babies, so I also understand the timing to workout. It needs to be a want too even if you just walk around the neighborhood. You don't need to join a gym to exercise - get a workout dvd for home once everyone goes to bed, do the c25k program, get p90x, insanity, etc - all those things are get workouts. As for your wife losing weight, you can't force anyone too. She is her own person and has to make her own decision. My mom does live with me to help with the babies and she is also overweight - she eats all kinds of junk food. I have tried talking to her about losing weight, but she has no desire too. She is happy where she is which unfortunately her health will suffer because of it. I lost weight for myself and my babies - I am the only parent they have left, so I need to be around for them a very long time. Get focused and determined - that is the advice I can give you. Good luck!!!

shawnp80134 · May 2012

I too am sorry to hear about your situation, perhaps you should look at it as a "project". Like a large ocean liner, It takes time to change course, but you stick with it because you know that is the direction you need to go. Keep being supportive to your wife, and encouraging. Keep asking for better meals and try finding those 5 to 10 minutes in your day where you can do some quick exercises.... sometimes we just have to take baby steps.

Juliejustsaying · May 2012

It is really hard to squeeze everything you need to do into a day. I know, I was exercising every day, eating well, but I'm a single mother, work full time and go to school full time. The things that get sacrificed make me crazy. But you have to do what you can do. And you ARE doing that. You have the mind set, you have the desire and the will. Days go up and down, sometimes you hit it sometimes you don't. I'm ashamed to say that most of the time when my time is crunched, I actually forego eating. That isn't any better than eating junk food. Yeah my jeans fit, but it can lead just as easily to chronic health conditions. Plan your own meals as much as you can...start small, lunches...buy lots of raw veggies, sometimes I just grab a sweet potatoe and microwave it at work. Yeah, that's it..but it is better than nothing. Cans of tuna always on hand usually too.

As for your wife...you can't make her eat well, all you can do is tell her how you feel and lead by example. Help her when you can. Ultimately it has to come from her though.

Above all, don't sacrifice everything you need. Do your exercising, it will help with the stress, make you feel better about life in general. Endorphins are a beautiful thing.

Friend me if you like, I like supporting people here, its what makes this site work in my opinion.

casiescorey · May 2012

If I could offer you any advice, it would be to take control of your diet without relying on your wife. Make sure that when you're busy you have healthy snacks to snack on. Carry a container with an apple, some raw nuts, and some veggies in it, a peanut butter sandwich... That way, when you get home at night you're not starving to the point that you don't want to peel the skin off the chicken. Push the rice aside and open the fridge and grab the salad that you will probably have to go to the store and buy for yourself. My husband eats healthy, and he takes complete control of his own diet. If I'm eating bad, he won't eat what I've made, he'll make his own meal. He also packs lunch and snacks before work every morning for himself so that he knows he is eating what he wants. Typically that is two dishes of chicken ontop a bed of salad to take to work. I think if you take control of your diet you will set that example for your daughter. And maybe when you're losing the weight your wife will notice and want to work harder for herself. Ultimately, you can't control her diet, that is up to her. You can just encourage her in a positive way (and forgive yourself for being hard on her when you are) and be the example. Remind her how much you love her, and tell her those three reasons why you want to take better care of your health. Your three reasons are amazing reasons, and she should want those things for herself as well. It sounds like you're really active too! So well done for that! Long story short, just take control on your own and don't let anyone else control how you eat, or you may not reach your goal for those 3 reasons you want to reach them for. Best of Luck! I believe in you!

usernamejoe · May 2012

Sorry to hear about how things are going for you, that can be rough. Don't give up though! I know it can be hard to stay positive, but you have to be and just keep trying. We are here for you!

ECHO this -

mrnice1058 · May 2012

Oh, my heart breaks just reading this... First of all, your daughter is BEAUTIFUL! And she is so, so lucky to have a father who clearly loves her as much as you do and who is making his health a priority in order to be there for her. I say this as a daughter whose father has never, ever taken care of himself or thought of anyone else for one moment - she is a lucky girl and you should be proud of yourself for being such a wonderful father.

OK, I agree with a previous poster: you and your wife need to sit down when you're calm and haven't been working for 13 hours and have a serious talk. Do you see the same doctor? Maybe you can make an appointment to sit down and speak with your doctor together. And I can tell you're just super busy and clearly burning the candle at both ends and tired, but you may need to be a little more responsible for your own foods while your wife is figuring things out. If you want hard boiled eggs, hard boil a dozen every Sunday so you have them for the week and you can just grab them for your lunches. Who does the grocery shopping? Maybe you can take over or just help out with that. I find that it's easier for me to make my lunch for the next day if I get it out of the way before I shower and settle in for the night, even when I'm wiped out and just want to crash.

And try supporting your wife a bit with her exercise when you can. Go with her to her Zumba class (mine always has at least one man) and let her laugh at you when you make a mistake. Suggest that the whole family go out for a walk after dinner a couple of times a week just to get her moving. And while you're walking, hold her hand for a minute - you still love her so show her that. This is not easy for her, but her perception may be that it is easy for you so let her know you're there to support her. And comtinue to come on here and log everything and we can support you! Feel free to send me a friend request, I will support you!

thank you that means a lot. i can tell you i go with her now to do the food shopping and doing that the junk has cut out 100%. I do the same thing with getting food ready and packing my lunch for the next day before the show so i can relax for the day. just being that i am working a lot of hours and coming home to do house work has taken its toll on me. example lastnight basketball, softball, came home to finish weed wacking a spot in my backyard i couldnt get to the other day due to the lack of sun light. shower eat and put my daughter to sleep i was beat and i didnt have the time to make my breakfast, again no excuse but i was tired lastnight and not thinking. i dont think i will let that happen again. I do like the idea of getting my eggs and stuff ready for the week on sunday but sunday is the hardest day for me on the weekend..lol church in the lunch at my in laws, hang out for 2 hours or so then dinner at my parents house. i usually leave on sunday at 9 am and not home until 9-930 pm but i will make the time from now on to do that. thanks for the advice!

Darlingir · May 2012

wow....that is a tough situation...I can tell you from experience. I watched my husband lose 70lbs get healthy, go to the gym and he has been doing it religiously for over 17 years now. What did I do? i sat on the side lines and got bigger and bigger...I am living proof that you can't make some one do what they are not ready for..at 43 I am FINALLY ready. Once and for all...

With your very busy schedule I can see where trying to prepare your own food to have it done right might be an issue. But you just might have to find the time.

You wont be able to change your wife...just yourself..and how you respond to her. Be the best example you can be and surrender the rest to God.

biggergirlsrun2 · May 2012

It is very difficult to see someone you love not caring for themselves. I go through the same thing with some of my family members.
All I can say, is just try and show that you are there to support her in any way, shape, or form. That truly is the best thing you can do.
That old saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." - it's very applicable in this situation.
Unless she decides, for herself, that it's time for her to start being healthy, there's not much you can do but be there for her (especially if you have already talked with her multiple times).

One thing I did with my family, which worked pretty well, was instituting a "family time". It was one hour 3 times a week where everyone had to turn off all electronics and do something together for just an hour. Some nights, if the weather was nice, we went for a walk. Sometimes we played board games or Uno. I know that ight be harder for you because of how busy your schedule is, but maybe start with doing it one or two nights, for 30minutes. Maybe right before you have to put your daughter to bed.

Best of luck!

feeling really down and not getting support

Replies

Categories