feeling really down and not getting support

Does she have depression? after i had my son i went into a really deep depression and did not want to do anything to help me or my son! Sad but this does happen , I gained alot of weight while doing so. I finally went and seen a doctor which he put me on depression meds called zoloft. I am quickly coming out of it and setting towards a new and healthy me for my son! Maybe this might be an issue with her but she does not want to admit it or truly does not know whats wrong with herself.. Hope this helps in some way! One day things will get better , just keep pushing yourself and maybe one day she will realize what you have been talking about this whole time!

I too am so sorry to hear about this situation. I am overweight, middle aged, have a serious family history of health problems and have needed to lose weight for a long time. I have had 3 back surgeries and have recently been told that I have pre-diabetes, minor heart problem and need to lose the weight. I didn't even try for a long time thinking that I could not do it. I have in the last 3-4 months really hit bottom and started seriously watching what I eat and try to exercise.

I know how hard it is to be in a one sided situation like yours. I have a husband who is also very very busy and depends on me for meals and I know he doesn't like a lot of healthy foods but have been trying to incorporate them in our meals and it is a process. I know it can be done and it just may take awhile to get through to her.

May I ask (i am not judging just curious) why it is that you have to do the housework? Is she employed or not able to do it? I don't think that it should all be on you when you are doing everything else. Your daughter is a beautiful little girl and I know she loves having her daddy there for her. I admire you so much for all you are doing and for working at this situation the best you know how. You just have to do what is right for you and hopefully she will follow. I have this same situation with my daughter who lives with us and she is trying to lose weight and I know she is trying but she sees me losing and then feels bad cause I am and she isn't but each person HAS to be ready and do it for themselves.

I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers and PLEASE feel free to add me as a friend if you would like to. I agree with everyone elses ideas of packing good snacks, preparing food ahead of time etc and I know it will be hard but it does need to be done and maybe you could even have your daughter help you in the process some so she can see that eating healthy is a good thing too.

Hugs to you and good luck!!!

Bev

Everything I was going to suggest has already been said. I just wanted to offer my support to you. When I get overwhelmed with a crazy schedule and just too much to process, I choose my top ten or so, focus on those, and recognize that I am not a robot and can't keep a million things running at the same time without losing control.

So you may not be able to achieve perfection, or daily workouts, or "perfect" meals. Do the best you can with what is in front of you, learn from it to do better tomorrow, and give yourself credit for what you are doing right.

Maybe try baby steps........

This is actually the story of my childhood......(I'm 47 now)

My father has been a very active man his entire life, my mother, well not so much. My dad wasnt as gentle as you about food choices either. But in his defense, the driving force has been my dad's desire to keep my mom with him for as long as humanly possible. They have been married for 55 years this fall, and he absolutely adores my mother But while my dad is still hiking, biking, projects around the house and outdoor activities at 78, my mother leans toward more domestic, cooking, cleaning, sewing and crafts. Now as far as growing up in this environment I learned a LOT, not only do I know how to hike, swim, ski and sail, I can do needlepoint, cook and sew etc... But back to diet and healthy choices......

My mother has crippling arthritis now, doesnt move well and looks at least 15 years older than my father who looks closer to 60 than 80. My mother cooks much healthier now, but we were grown before that really changed. My dad was critical of my mothers weight, he pushed for healthy choices which was hard for my mother, as a kid growing up I dont recall my mother ever doing anything more strenuous than planting a few flowers. she didnt hike with us, or climb or swim or any of the multitude of things we did with our father. I wish she had because she would be so much better for it now.

Now one thing I did learn about what doesnt work in this situation is badgering. I think if my father had only put his foot down about a few things instead of radical changes it would have been different. Eliminating soda.......perhaps first step.........let that stand for a few months.........no longer frying foods....using only chicken breasts and lean cuts instead of whole chicken.........switching to brown rice..........one step at a time. Secondly for you, instead of meals prepared by your wife all the time, why dont you try to put together several mini meals to sustain you through out the day. This will help you not be so tired and hungry when you get home to just eat whatever is put in front of you. That doesnt mean you cant eat what she makes, but easier to eat only half of it.

Your wife is not going to change until she wants to, but I think she was doing too much too fast and burning out on it. Walks together in the evening....swimming with the kids.....small things daily arent as scary as I have to "workout" an hour daily.

I hope you guys find a balance because it is obvious you are a very caring husband and father....Good luck!

ETA: One thing that did help is that my mother made a salad at EVERY meal.........my father's request. That also makes it much easier to eat that first and eat less of the other stuff.......

I think that you should just talk to your wife about your feelings , let her know that you are talking to her out of love and you want to lose the weight together so that you all can be healthy and lead by example for your daughter she needs you both in her life. Explain to your wife that change is not easy, but if you work together and start making little changes then you both will be on the path to becoming healthier. I didn't believe that my weight was affecting me either until i went to the dr and my bp was in the 150/90 that day i made a change and at my last appt new bp was 110/60. Its not easy and you might have setbacks along the way but the frame of mind you have to be in is that tomorrow is another day and you are going to do better tomorrow. Maybe your wife is just afraid she might have all of these emotions that she just doesn't know how to explain. Also see if she will join myfitnesspal, there is so much support and encouragement from others, and people are really for your success.

Maybe if you helped with the grocery shopping you could help make wiser choices for old recipes and both be healthier in the long run.

Second this idea. Shopping can be a family affair. Be sure you pick up lots of fresh fruit, and lean cuts. Read labels. Try new foods. Don't be afraid of the frozed section. Not all frozen meals are created equally. Here is a link to a WebMD article of healthy frozen meals. Add an apple and a glass of skim milk and you will have a decent meal even if you're tired.
http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/features/best-frozen-dinners Also, before you go shopping, maybe you can look at some recipe websites together and make dinner plans for the next week, even if only for a couple of nights. For your lunches, just tell her "no thanks honey, I want to pack it myself."

This is really more about you than about her. If she were making healthy meals and still not losing the 35 pounds, you would not feel so angry and disappointed. You want healthy meals to meet your goals, and for your daughter. Nothing wrong with that. But she isn't on board. She likes her food choices, and doesn't want to change.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I was the same way toward my spouse he wanted to work out, I didn't. I would drag him down sometimes. I would go through dieting phases and lose hope. It was when I decided I wanted to lose the weight did things really change. Now I am the one getting him out of bed to workout. However, that being said. It also sounds like that there is some other underlying issues with your wife. I would suggest talking to a counselor with her. It does not have to be a professional one, a pastor could help too. I know that is one thing that truly help me as I suffered from severe depression. I do hope that you can continue on your path to your goals as hard as it may seem right now.

Wow... some lovely responses here. :flowerforyou:

I'm trying to think what the obstacles are that are frightening your wife and stopping her from working with you on this? I think that her fear of change is completely crippling her from addressing the problem. That, coupled with the fact that she might consider it an indication of your dissatisfaction with her and all the implied criticism that goes with it. I think that the first person in a couple, to take charge of themselves does tend to have the 'upper hand' in that they were first and therefore 'ahead' of the person left behind.

Truthfully, I don't think this is something that you can change yourself but you can support your wife whilst she makes the realisation for herself and give her the constant reassurance that she's going to need. You're absolutely right, your daughter's eating habits could go either way and one parent's choice to eat healthfully is not necessarily enough to tip the balance the right way. Children can pick up the most dreadful habits from very little interaction with an adverse one. I think that some very tough talking is needed where your daughter is concerned - but you must NOT be the person to do it... you need a health professional to be the 'bad guy' and really lay it on the line about your daughter's health being put at risk. If you could get an appointment with your family doctor and discuss the problem with them, I'm sure they would be very keen to help you and perhaps guide you on preparing the groundwork - and how to keep going when it gets very tough. You can then talk through this with your wife and tell her of the concern that you have, so many obese children, dying before their parents - it's a very sad fact. Even if they don't die, they can live a hampered life with mobility affected and discrimination from a wider public.

For now though, take control of what you're putting in your body. As previously suggested, half portions may be a very gentle and non-confrontational tactic you can use. I tend to cook batches of food like chilli/rice, soups, stews, casseroles and freeze them into portions. You can calorie count those by portion and just take one out of the freezer when you're leaving in the morning. You could get your daughter to help you with preparing and cooking these on the premise of 'helping mum', 'giving mum a break from cooking', any of those positive messages, none of which can hurt your wife's feelings.

Boiled eggs are great, packaged ham (low fat), turkey and chicken breasts cooked, with raw veggies and fruits. The possibilities are endless. There are so many ways to eat healthily without giving up the things you love but it's all about balance. That's something I've only just learned since coming here; I thought it was all or nothing and so set myself up to fail again and again. Never will I do that again in future.

Encourage your wife in her Zumba class and tell her she looks beautiful when she comes back - all glowing and bright-eyed. Say nothing negative when she's long-time sitting, just encourage endlessly when she isn't. Take your daughter out to do activities with you and perhaps don't dress them up as 'exercise'; just family fun. A long walk can be a nature ramble with a (healthy) picnic halfway. Remind your wife how much you love her and want her with you when you do things as a family, and let her maintain her dignity in the (poor) choices she's making at the moment - there may come a time very soon when she comes around to the family way of healthy lifestyle.

I know that you 'lashed out' with your comment and it was totally out of order but completely understandable. Those comments won't work, not really, they have the same 'shock value' as warnings on cigarette cartons. What will work eventually, is the drip-drip message of positivity, non-judgemental actions and unwaivering support of family, no matter what.

I hope so much for you that the transition will be easy but I know that it won't. Resistance is the last bastion of fear... that will take time, knowledge, support and reassurance - rinse and repeat as many times as necessary, but in the meantime, carry on in the way you're doing and never give up. You have so much support here.

I agree with what the above posters suggested, there's some great advice there. One more thing, though, is to try to make things easier for you during the crazy busy warmer months when there's so much to do. Perhaps you could do paper plates once in a while so there aren't so many dishes to take care of. The produce dept in my grocery store always has pre-cut veggies and fruits and salads, as well as cooked and peeled hard boiled eggs. They are a little more expensive, but if you're really pressed for time might be worthwhile.

When I lived at home, my stepdad always made a production out of meals. Lots of choices, not always healthy, and put so much love into them that it was hard to say no. So I just limited my portions, and made sure I had lots of healthy snacks so I wouldn't feel left out (the rest of the family could eat anything).

Hang in there, try not to put so much pressure on yourself. The weedwacking can wait, having a healthy life with your family won't.