Opinions Please-would you say anything?

cardbucfan
cardbucfan Posts: 10,571 Member
edited December 19 in Health and Weight Loss
So there's a woman I know. She's not a good friend but more than an acquaintance. As a lot of us have done, she put on a few lbs. over the years and got pretty pudgy. About six months ago, I ran into her at my backup gym (I usually go to the Y but this one is included because of my husband's work but I don't like it as well) and she had lost a ton of weight. But. It was the kind of weight loss where she looked like she was really sick-you know the look. So I went up to her and said "wow! What have you been up to?!" and she replied that she gave up drinking. (didn't realize she drank THAT much!)

Now though, she has lost even more and she's starting to get that anorexic/concentration camp victim look (I don't mean to offend anybody with that description-just the best way to describe how she looks). Zero muscle tone, haggard face, you can see her leg bones!

If she were a close friend, I'd say something in a heartbeat but she's not and I'm not sure how it would go over. What do you all think? I actually had somebody ask me a week ago if this woman had cancer-she thought she looked that bad.

Would you say something? What would you say? Even though we aren't close, we have many interconnected friends and our area of town is just like a small town where everybody knows each other and is either related to or dated somebody so I'd hate for her to take offense.
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Replies

  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,454 Member
    Say nothing. It's not your place.
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
    What would you say? What could you say? "Hey, are you dying of cancer or something? You look like a concentration camp victim."

    No? You wouldn't think of saying that to her? But..............you just said it out loud on the internet.......................:indifferent: :huh:
  • OTchic
    OTchic Posts: 205 Member
    i would also not say anything as she is just your acquaintance if she were ur friend it would be ur place to help out a friend but shes not. she has friends and family and it is their job to tell her something or get her help. IMHO
  • MyFeistyEvolution
    MyFeistyEvolution Posts: 1,014 Member
    No.
  • CoffeeNBooze
    CoffeeNBooze Posts: 966 Member
    if it were me, i'd casually say to one of your mutual friends "is she ok? She seems to have lost a lot of weight lately" and just leave it at that. Expressing your concern to someone you're both close with would be a better strategy. But I think that's all you can really do, given you don't really know her.
  • pastryari
    pastryari Posts: 8,646 Member
    No, mind your own business.
  • rhodenizer
    rhodenizer Posts: 95 Member
    You could perhaps in your next encounter with her casually ask her if she has reached her goal with the weight she has lost? Get a conversation going about the challenges of maintaining that you may be struggling with and then listen closely to the response, she may need an ear to listen to her as others may have shut her out because she has gone to the extreme. Caring concern is not a bad thing. I know my husband was told years ago that he should not lose any more weight because he looked ill. Now he has gone the other way so kid gloves needed if you bother to approach it at all.
  • Sh0ewh0re7_BlingItOn
    Sh0ewh0re7_BlingItOn Posts: 501 Member
    Nope, most people always seem to get offended if the wind blows the wrong way. I'd just keep it moving.
  • wahmx3
    wahmx3 Posts: 633 Member
    I was thinking the same thing, only I would ask her directly, in a concerned tone of course, because, after all, you are concerned about her health.
    if it were me, i'd casually say to one of your mutual friends "is she ok? She seems to have lost a lot of weight lately" and just leave it at that. Expressing your concern to someone you're both close with would be a better strategy. But I think that's all you can really do, given you don't really know her.
  • duncanryan
    duncanryan Posts: 122 Member
    I'd say nothing. It's tough to think of any situation in which that would go over well! I've felt this way before about some people. It's tough to watch and see.
  • artbkward
    artbkward Posts: 238 Member
    It's a tough situation, do you have any mutual friends? She may have some kind of eating disorder that she'll deny even if you calmly approach her about it. I don't think that ignoring it is necessarily right, what if every person in her life chooses to ignore what is happening. Maybe approach her and in a non-accusing way ask if she is alright because she doesn't look well and offer your support. If she says no, then there isn't much else you can do.
  • Breezy415
    Breezy415 Posts: 54 Member
    Do you have any mutual friends that are really good friend's with her? If so, I'd talk to them. Just in case she has cancer. When my dad was in treatment, someone asked him if he lost a bet and shaved his head....no he was bald due to the chemo.
  • auroranflash
    auroranflash Posts: 3,569 Member
    It could be any number of things, from illness to addiction to .... anything, really. Even though you are concerned, you should probably leave it to her friends and family to speak to her, at the risk of making her feel worse about something she possibly has no control over.
  • islandnutshel
    islandnutshel Posts: 1,143 Member
    She may be really sick but not wanting to share that yet. If you get the chance just be supportive. Maybe it will come out.
  • slyder432
    slyder432 Posts: 475 Member
    not your place!
  • cmayfield3
    cmayfield3 Posts: 176 Member
    No good can come of you confronting her. If you really think she may be in danger, maybe there is someone on staff at the gym you could talk to, and they could decide whether to talk to her.
  • LatinaButterfly
    LatinaButterfly Posts: 192 Member
    I wouldn't say anything to her. If she looks as bad as you say I'm sure someone else has already said something to her and maybe it's not appreciated especially when we don't know what it took for her to lose her weight or how difficult it may have been for her... and perhaps she has a close friend who is already helping her in a kind-hearted way. :)
  • moe5474
    moe5474 Posts: 162
    If she's struggling with an eating disorder, the absolute worst thing you could do is point out how much weight she's lost. I struggled with anorexia for a while and having someone point out how small I was (even if they said I looked unhealthy) only fueled my twisted thought process that I must be on the right track.

    They think I look sick? That must just mean they're jealous! And it means that I must be doing a really good job of controlling my eating.

    It's wierd and twisted, but true.

    Only a close friend or family could help. And to be honest, someone else saying something won't do anything. She has to realize it for herself.
  • HMD7703
    HMD7703 Posts: 761 Member
    No. Not just no, but hell no. Why? If she does not consider you a close friend (and vice versa) why should she confide in you? I am sorry but this just seems like you want to know. Not because you care or because you want to help. Plus, she may have some serious issues going on. If she is not your friend and confides in you, then she may expect you to be there for her. That is not fair seeing how you don't honestly care for her as a close friend. Or I could be wrong and this could bring you together as friends. Who knows. For me, I stay in my lane if they are not close friends. Not my business until they confide in me.
  • VryIrishGirl76
    VryIrishGirl76 Posts: 1,167 Member
    You could just ask casually if everything is all right.
    I don't see anything wrong with a polite inquiry, it's not as if you are asking to be vindictive or gossipy.
  • GymAnJuice
    GymAnJuice Posts: 512 Member
    i lost a lot of weight about 5 years ago, i was asked if i had cancer, told i looked like i had cancer and asked if i was ill. believe me it's extremely offensive and did i try to put on weight to please everyone or listen to them - hell no! i felt amazing and believed i looked it - still do in fact. trust me she will already of heard whatever your thinking by others less sensitive than yourself. be friendly and by all means ask if she's ok, just as you would if she looked it, all you can do is be there for her if she needs it :flowerforyou:
    p.s. i did put all the weight back on but not on purpose :blushing:
  • m16shane
    m16shane Posts: 393 Member
    I know most will disagree with me but truthfully I would say something. If you talk to her at all I would bring it up. I would do it when you two were alone and just be honest and caring. If she gets mad than she gets mad. If its an illness or something than ask if you can help, or something like that. The truth is if she does have a really bad ED and something bad happens to her I would rather know I said something and lost a "friend" than did nothing and they lost their life.
  • SuffolkSally
    SuffolkSally Posts: 964 Member
    I would leave well alone. If she used to drink heavily and has stopped, her weight loss might actually have a physical cause - like liver disease. Whether it's physical or psychological, some one she doesn't know very well drawing attention to it will probably go down like a lead balloon. Have a chat to a mutual friend who knows her better if it's on your mind, but I'd leave it at that.
  • dani_1977
    dani_1977 Posts: 557 Member
    I wouldn't say anything ...... just because you dont want to offend anyone.
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
    What? Of course not! What are you trying to accomplish? Do you think she doesn't have a mirror? That you'll say something and she'll think, "Oh, thank you, I will immediately go and gain 20 pounds!"
  • LauraSmyth28
    LauraSmyth28 Posts: 399 Member
    Absolutely not. I'm sure if you think she looks sick then other people she's close to do too, and it would be more their place to say it than yours.
  • 2bFitNTrim
    2bFitNTrim Posts: 1,209 Member
    My simple response: no.
  • pfarley68
    pfarley68 Posts: 83 Member
    She may have had gastric bypass surgery. I have watched several friends and people I know, have the surgery and lose so much weight that they don't look good anymore. Eventually they gain some back but for awhile they look like hell, older and thin hair etc.
  • astrampe
    astrampe Posts: 2,169 Member
    She may be really sick but not wanting to share that yet. If you get the chance just be supportive. Maybe it will come out.
    This...And it's really none of your business....
  • trybabytry
    trybabytry Posts: 181
    Everyone is saying "butt out" and "mind your own business," but there was a girl who went to the gym at my college that we'd all talk about because she was so painfully thin, but no one said anything because no one really knew her, and eventually she collapsed and had to be rushed to the hospital and dropped out of school.

    Extreme situation, I know, but oftentimes eating disorders are fed (no pun intended) by the fact that it's uncomfortable and people avoid talking about it, or (in the case of the girl above) they go to a place where no one knows them and so on one feels it's "their place."

    If you have mutual friends, talk to them first -- maybe find out if anyone seems aware of this, and if anyone has said anything to her. If her close friends know, well, then there's nothing you can do but leave them to it. Maybe you'll learn it's a disease and she's getting treatment, or maybe there's another reason, etc.

    But if no one has said anything? If no one seems to be addressing it? Yeah. Maybe you should say something. In the kindest, most supportive way possible, of course.

    The worst thing that can happen is that both of you will be extremely embarrassed -- and there are far worse things than mutual embarrassment.
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