Returning to the Me I deserve-with accountability

I've been around these parts before, as well as several other weight loss websites as I've tried to complete my weight loss journey. I have found that I do so well when I am committed to accountability via websites like this one. I have also found that once I stop visiting such sites, the weight comes back on like mad.

Such is the case currently. I slimmed down quite a bit for my Sept 2011 wedding and what seems like out of nowhere, I'm a damn blimp again! Now I could blame it on a winter of back to back illnesses which prevented me from working out, but did those illnesses prevent me from eating properly? No. Being sick doesn't make you stuff your face with garbage. It doesn't make you stop tracking what you're eating.

So, it's official. I'm committing to getting back to the me I deserve, and I accept the fact that in order to get there and stay there, it's going to require daily accountability. I've weighed in, even taken my measurements, and now that I'm THOROUGHLY disgusted, I'm ready to get back in the swing of things.

It's an odd feeling, because I've lost weight so many times, I know what it takes to get the job done. And I don't mean starving myself or doing some drastic limitation diet. I'm not trying to low carb or low fat my way to healthy. I'm using the balanced diet and exercise approach, and I know that if I continue to do so after the weight is off, I won't end up back here being mad that I'm a lard-butt. The odd feeling is that even though I know the ropes, I'm still feeling very lost and confused. How can I know what to eat, but not have any ideas as far as what I should eat? That doesn't make sense. I was eating properly for quite a long time. Where did those ideas run off to?

I am looking forward to the self esteem that comes along with a healthy body. Even moreso, I'm looking forward to completing my journey, rather than losing 80% of the weight and losing interest. I've yet to accomplish a goal weight. I've NEVER done that. Ever. I'm 36 years old, I've been overweight my entire adult life, been dieting since college, and I've never ever reached my goal weight. That's just sad.

Oddly enough, I don't hate exercise. Hell, I actually love it. I was going to hot yoga on a regular basis, bicycling was a daily routine for me, and on the weekends my husband and I would ride with our team and rack up some serious mileage. Funny how getting fat and lazy seem to allow for excuses to not get involved with these things. We complain that we don't ever get out and ride anymore, but on the flip, we also make excuses out the wazoo as to why we don't go. "It's too cold in the morning when the team leaves out, we can always ride by ourselves later in the day" turns into not riding at all. "We need to bring the kids to the sitters so we can ride, but then we don't get back before 8, and thats kind of late for our young kids to be getting home on a school night" turns into not even making the effort and then being angry that we 'didn't get to ride'.

I'm tired of making excuses. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of being tired (literally, as in sleepy, lol), and I'm tired of the decreased brain functionality. I'm tired of lacking confidence in myself, which bleeds over to my job, both at work and as being a mother.

Anyways, I just wanted to get this off my chest. I know it's long and it probably wont get read in its entirety, or get any responses, but it was therapeutic just for me to get this out there. Course, responses and support would be appreciated. As if you couldn't tell, I like to talk about as much as i like to eat. LOL!