What I has changed the most after my 1 month back on MFP

This is like my billionth time on MFP, but this time I feel completely different this time and the best part, I only changed ONE thing.

My attitude.

I have shared on MFP before that my whole life, I have been bullied. I was bullied in elementary & middle school for my weight, and then from my abusive ex husband. He would call me fat and ugly every single day. He would tell me if I ever left him no man would ever want me.

You see, before I met him and pretty much my whole life, I hated myself. I was anorexic when I met my ex husband. I was not fat, at all. But when I got pregnant, and after I had my son I was 15 pounds heavier then when I met him, so apparently that made me fat. Well after I left him I gained another 40 pounds. I don't know why, I just did.

My weight has yo-yo'd my whole life, and every time I tried "dieting" I focused on "losing, losing, losing". But in order to lose, I thought I had to starve myself. I became a pyscho mean every time, and I ALWAYS failed because not only did I deprive myself, I also still hated myself. I kept thinking "OMG I can't believe you let yourself get this fat". I would look in the mirror and look at all my flaws, and this negativity would cause me to fail.

I have no idea what changed this time, but I am really starting to love myself. Maybe it's cause I have a great man, or maybe I am just getting older and wiser but this time I decided that I am not going to focus on how much I hate myself, but start finding things I love. I decided to try new foods, and to focus on being healthy.

I AM NOT GOING TO LIE AND SAY I DO NOT STRUGGLE WITH MY SELF ESTEEM AND THE SCALE, but it's getting so much better. I literally spend at least 10 minutes in the mirror each day naked and think to myself how good I look. I really think thats helping my self esteem. I tell myself I am beautiful, because you know what, I am!. I NEVER in my life thought that I would think that about myself, ESPECIALLY being 55 pounds away from my goal weight, but I do. I realized that I don't have to be a size 0 to be beautiful. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Most importantly, I am beautiful on the inside and for the first time in my life - regardless of my weight- I am beginning to find confidence, and you know what? Confidence is hot!