Finally heard the truth

YourGirl_Tina
YourGirl_Tina Posts: 962 Member
in Motivation and Support
This subject might upset a few But I need to share and hear words of encouragement! I have been with my hubby for 8 years. When we first meet I was happy go lucky, plus size (size 14-16) yet confident. Over the last 6 years life has gone down a long never ending roller coaster. We had a baby girl, moved twice, and I can't even count the number of times I have said we needed a divorce!! Our sex life was the main issue or should I say lack of.... I would always assume it was my weight and he would say No. But deep down I knew. And what did I do about it? Sat back in depression with my doughnuts and ice cream and said well screw him, Someone will like all my cushion. And this went on, and on, and went from marriage counselor to another...... NOW there are "other" issues in our marriage other than sex but for me I think a lot of it stems from feeling unloved and unwanted. I think I read somewhere that when you have a good sex life you don't sweat the small stuff as much. Like picking up his dirty cloths off the floor... hehe. Well Fast forward a few days ago. My hubby and I are best friends who have lost our way. I have let myself go and almost hit 300lbs ugh.... We sat outside and I said babe we need to figure this out. I am your best friend and if you can't tell me the truth we really shouldn't be together! I asked if it was because he was uncomfortable with his self image (he has gained a little belly himself) and he said part of it. And then I asked if it was my body also. And he said no..... I said babe I promise right know you can tell me the truth and I will not go all crazy on you. He started getting emotional and looked at me and said I don't want to say it is because I am afraid you will loss weight to despite me and leave me, and I don't want to loss you. WOW 6 years of hearing "No, no it's not your weight your perfect I don't know whats wrong with me" and finally hearing what I have known all along. Its heart breaking BUT, not at the same time. If I were a guy I would not wanna do me lol. Why should I make him? Cause thats what a marriage is? It's a lot to take in. To know that our intamecy hangs with me, its hard!!! I am afraid that he will love me more but only after I loss weight..... My SIL said this which I found refreshing. she said, of coarse he will love you more but only because you will love yourself more and it will shine through and make you that much more lovable!
Had he told me this a year or more ago I probable would have left him. But now all I know is I do love this man and he is my best friend and that yes I dislike my weight more than anyone. I would love to be healthy and happy and to have him be irresistible to my every move LOL. I told him that we need to work together and fix our marriage.

So anyone wanna share some encouragement or maybe have been in my shoes and are now better from it???? Thanks for letting me share :)

Replies

  • eissak
    eissak Posts: 54 Member
    Hi! I can't say I've been there totally (my ex never admitted that my weight was a problem, but I imagine it was) but I do know the affect it had on me as far as [NOT] feeling sexy and beautiful. You have a great thing in that you know you love him, and he loves you and you're best friends. That's a great beginning! I'm sure it was really hard to hear that from him, just as it was probably really hard for him to say it. But it's out in the open, it's been said, and perhaps you did know it all along. Take it all as motivation. We can't take back anything we've done, or change the past, but we CAN improve ourselves and our future! Today can be the first step in a new beginning!! :)
  • jules0516
    jules0516 Posts: 158
    Let me start by telling you (I'm assuming this is you in your profile pic) You are a very beautiful lady..and I think your SIL is right!! Good luck!
  • 10bri10
    10bri10 Posts: 16 Member
    I had an ex tell me one day while trying on swim suits (mortifying as is) "wow babe, you've put on some weight". I had been ignoring it - telling myself I was healthy, but in fact I had put back on about 15/40 lbs i had lost just before I met him. It took him telling me that, to motivate me to change and lose it again.

    I think instead of taking it as a negative, see it as a positive and a (while harsh) mirror that speaks back to you, telling you the things you don't want to admit to yourself. Looking in the mirror everyday it is easy to say, "wow, there's a few extra there" but having someone else say it, can make you realize that its not just looking in a mirror and being self conscious.

    I wish you the best of luck in your goals, and your marriage!
  • sexycheesemonkey
    sexycheesemonkey Posts: 196 Member
    My hubby and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4, and when we met in high school I wasnt small, I think I was around 160-180, size 17/18. Over the years I've gained 100 or more pounds, and he was constantly telling me that "he loved me for me and it didnt matter" or that he was "happy as long as I was happy". Well...he never noticed I never was happy with myself, I've always deep down hated me, and that goes back to a pretty negative childhood. Finally when we arguing over something he said something along the lines of "Well, if you're not happy with yourself how am I supposed to be happy with you?" It took me aback and really shocked me, because I had never really thought of him not liking me. I ended up breaking down and relapsing into my destructive eating tendencies and it took a lot to pull me out. He's not happy with the way Ive chosen to lose weight (my way or no way guy), but he is happy that I am losing weight and making progress. He'll give me a hug and lift me up a bit and comment that I'm getting lighter, or he can touch his elbows when he hugs me now. Which...sounds harsh...but he means it in a very loving way. So yeah, maybe a little bit of harshness from the spouse is what a few people need to realize that they need to turn it around
  • XXXMinnieXXX
    XXXMinnieXXX Posts: 3,459 Member
    Been there, it hurt a lot, but ultimately I only changed when I really wanted it for myself aswell, not for everyone else who was worried about me x
  • Eyesee
    Eyesee Posts: 111 Member
    I really know how you feel. My boyfriend and I first got together when I was a stick-thin 18 year old with a penchant for short skirts and punky stockings. He loved my style and my body. Over the years we steadily got fat together (I'm 25 now), but it looks much worse on my frame than his. I've caught him watching movies and looking at (dirty) pictures of girls who look exactly like I used to, and he admits that he finds it hard not to constantly check out thin women on the street. I know he loves me and we are best friends, but I can't force someone to like a body type that they have never had any interest in. (Heck, I'm not happy in this body either!)

    He won't tell me specifically that he doesn't like my body any more, but it's obvious in a myriad of ways. Like you, I finally told him that he has to tell me the truth. He still wouldn't say he hates my current body, but he did admit that he is attracted to a thinner version of me. I'm actually glad he was honest, and am using his words as motivation.

    Anybody would be happier with a partner whose body isn't holding them back or making them depressed. Since I've been fat I decline going out like I used to love because I don't like how I look, I no longer wear cute clothes or even have a personal style other than "whatever fits and doesn't make me look like a house", and I'm uncomfortable being touched in certain ways or doing things in bed.

    I think it's really awesome that you have a positive attitude about his honesty. He obviously loves you anyway, but getting healthier would make both of you happier and could put the spark back in the relationship. (It was a really good point when you said, "I wouldn't want to do me either," I completely relate!)
  • YourGirl_Tina
    YourGirl_Tina Posts: 962 Member
    I wish MFP had a "like" button! :) Thank you everyone for your stories!!! It makes me feel "normal" some how! I really know how hard it was for him since I can be one tough cookie! My cousin and I, both at least size24+ had her hubby take a pic of us and joking around I said hey we could do a charles angel pose hehe and Her husband had the odacity to say "well you would need to loss a lot of weight first." I was like OMG and WTF. I went on for days to my hubby about it saying "if you EVER said anything like that....." He was like not only would I not but I would be scared too!

    Jules0516 Thank you about my pic! I took it a few weeks ago..... Much better than the one my 5 year old DD took of me on the couch UGH!!!

    Eyesee I think you and I could talk for days! I know all to well about the "dirty" movies and stuff!

    Thank you guys again! One day at a time, right!? I just need to get my head in the game and make a plan... Instead of being a Stalker on the success boards! 8)
  • weighlossforbaby
    weighlossforbaby Posts: 847 Member
    I was 125 lbs, size 4, and at 5'7 (eating disorder) when I married my husband in 2007 and he could barely touch me then I started eating again (he made me) and I gained like 58 lbs in almost 5 years and he was all over me...LOL :P I started my weightloss journey last month when my gynecologist mentioned my weight and told me to lose weight for my future child. My husband helps me lose weight by motivating me to exercise even though he eats junk food and starchy carbs which I can't...hahaha ;)

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