How to overcome shyness??

Nicola0000
Nicola0000 Posts: 531 Member
in Motivation and Support
Does anyone have any tips on how to overcome shyness? I find that when I am with a stranger, like chatting to someone in a bar, I find small talk really hard. My mind literally goes blank and I think of nothing to say, so ends up with a awkward silence. This then makes people feel like Im not interested in them. And when Im with someone else thats shy also, how can I get the conversation going to get both them and me out of our shells??

Replies

  • EvilDave14
    EvilDave14 Posts: 111 Member
    I don't know, but if you find out can you let me know?

    I blame shyness for me being single for many years.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,392 Member
    ...and just to expand....I have the opposite problem. I can talk to anyone about anything. And I do. This does not always go well. There is a fit for everyone.

    Try reading the newpaper and keeping up with current events - preferrably non-hot button topics. Especially in a bar, I'd suggest not talking about things like politics and religion. You know, the things everyone has a strong opinion about.

    Ask about them. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. Just listen and keep asking. Then they will ask you something and you answer. Talk about the weather, or pets, or hobbies, or where you grew up.

    Good luck.
  • Momma_Grizz
    Momma_Grizz Posts: 294 Member
    ...and just to expand....I have the opposite problem. I can talk to anyone about anything. And I do. This does not always go well. There is a fit for everyone.

    Try reading the newpaper and keeping up with current events - preferrably non-hot button topics. Especially in a bar, I'd suggest not talking about things like politics and religion. You know, the things everyone has a strong opinion about.

    Ask about them. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. Just listen and keep asking. Then they will ask you something and you answer. Talk about the weather, or pets, or hobbies, or where you grew up.

    Good luck.

    Those are good tips - thanks. I think a lot of people suffer from shyness - I know I do.
  • Nicola0000
    Nicola0000 Posts: 531 Member
    ...and just to expand....I have the opposite problem. I can talk to anyone about anything. And I do. This does not always go well. There is a fit for everyone.

    Try reading the newpaper and keeping up with current events - preferrably non-hot button topics. Especially in a bar, I'd suggest not talking about things like politics and religion. You know, the things everyone has a strong opinion about.

    Ask about them. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. Just listen and keep asking. Then they will ask you something and you answer. Talk about the weather, or pets, or hobbies, or where you grew up.

    Good luck.

    But I find the shy person I talk to doesnt ask me questions back as they are even more shy than me!! So I feel like Im interviewing them! Maybe we need to do more activities, rather than sit over dinner etc. That seems to make it easier.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,392 Member
    ...and just to expand....I have the opposite problem. I can talk to anyone about anything. And I do. This does not always go well. There is a fit for everyone.

    Try reading the newpaper and keeping up with current events - preferrably non-hot button topics. Especially in a bar, I'd suggest not talking about things like politics and religion. You know, the things everyone has a strong opinion about.

    Ask about them. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. Just listen and keep asking. Then they will ask you something and you answer. Talk about the weather, or pets, or hobbies, or where you grew up.

    Good luck.

    But I find the shy person I talk to doesnt ask me questions back as they are even more shy than me!! So I feel like Im interviewing them! Maybe we need to do more activities, rather than sit over dinner etc. That seems to make it easier.

    That's a very good idea! And just because there is a lag in the conversation does not mean it's a bad thing. All conversations wax and wane.

    Are you talking about a potential romantic partner? Or just in general? Being nervous or shy around a potential romantic partner is different than just a shyness.

    Finding things in common is the best way to build any friendship or romantic relationship. Going on a bike ride or a canoe trip or to a museum is lots better than a bar or dinner. Going "out" to dinner can be fraught with issues from how much it costs, to food preferences to loud restaurants to annoyingly close together tables.
  • castle88
    castle88 Posts: 27
    I was very shy and anxious and was diagnosed as having low level bdd a couple of years ago, so I had a couple of months of cognitive behavioral therapy, which has made a world of difference to my confidence with people! For me, the problem was that I was preoccupied by what other people were thinking of me, and I was always trying to second guess this - which is not only distracting but it makes you very nervous!

    So I had to first learn that there is no way to guess what people think of you, by doing this you are sort of projecting your own insecurities onto them, believing that these people see your 'flaws' too. Which is a pointless thing to do!

    Then I had to work on focusing on what I think of THEM instead, and what I can get/deserve from them. This helps to take the pressure off yourself and make you less self conscious.

    And lastly one of the best things to do is to think of someone who you know and admire for their confidence with people, and who would like to be like and really start to take notice of the sorts of things they say and what questions they ask etc... and start putting yourself out there trying to do the same. This does lead to a lot of awkwardness initially, but if you accept that its going to be like that and brush it off and keep trying then eventually all of this starts to come naturally and you begin to do these things without having to think about them.

    So perhaps give some of that a try??
  • Nicola0000
    Nicola0000 Posts: 531 Member

    That's a very good idea! And just because there is a lag in the conversation does not mean it's a bad thing. All conversations wax and wane.

    Are you talking about a potential romantic partner? Or just in general? Being nervous or shy around a potential romantic partner is different than just a shyness.

    Finding things in common is the best way to build any friendship or romantic relationship. Going on a bike ride or a canoe trip or to a museum is lots better than a bar or dinner. Going "out" to dinner can be fraught with issues from how much it costs, to food preferences to loud restaurants to annoyingly close together tables.

    Yes, and I met his parents and Sister yesterday and they are not huge talkers either. Its the first time of meeting them and I thought they'd ask me loads of questions but they didnt. So maybe I just feel its awkward, but to him it isnt Lol!
  • ProjectTae
    ProjectTae Posts: 434 Member
    ...and just to expand....I have the opposite problem. I can talk to anyone about anything. And I do. This does not always go well. There is a fit for everyone.

    Try reading the newpaper and keeping up with current events - preferrably non-hot button topics. Especially in a bar, I'd suggest not talking about things like politics and religion. You know, the things everyone has a strong opinion about.

    Ask about them. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. Just listen and keep asking. Then they will ask you something and you answer. Talk about the weather, or pets, or hobbies, or where you grew up.

    Good luck.

    All of these are great! I'd also suggest taking up a hobby (If you don't already) Sophomore year I moved to a new high school where I knew absolutely no one, and to overcome my shyness I joined things that I was interested, like the high school newspaper, so for you, you can join a yoga class or something in your neighbor hood that you're interested in, and that way you automatically have one thing in common with every other person in the room. It is also a good this as cmriverside suggested it is good to keep up with current events so you have something to talk about while you're still in the small talk stages, and when your talking to the other person remember everything they say, since they are shy and build off of what they say so if you ask them "what sort of music are you into" and they reply "I'm really into classical, I played the violin as a child" and since you're in the new stages of getting to know this person avoid out right disagreeing with them (I'm not saying agree with everything they say as this can be annoying ans show that you are trying too hard) but they just gave you a detail from their past so even if you're not really into classical you could say something to the affect of "Oh I've never really listen to much classical but I think it would be awesome if we could get together sometime and you could show me your music collection" and if they say yes, they're forced to talk to you and explain something they really enjoy, and I find people open up more if they;re doing or talking about something they really enjoy. Just a couple of things that worked for me hope this can help you.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,392 Member

    That's a very good idea! And just because there is a lag in the conversation does not mean it's a bad thing. All conversations wax and wane.

    Are you talking about a potential romantic partner? Or just in general? Being nervous or shy around a potential romantic partner is different than just a shyness.

    Finding things in common is the best way to build any friendship or romantic relationship. Going on a bike ride or a canoe trip or to a museum is lots better than a bar or dinner. Going "out" to dinner can be fraught with issues from how much it costs, to food preferences to loud restaurants to annoyingly close together tables.

    Yes, and I met his parents and Sister yesterday and they are not huge talkers either. Its the first time of meeting them and I thought they'd ask me loads of questions but they didnt. So maybe I just feel its awkward, but to him it isnt Lol!

    If you met his family, things are going well. Enjoy! As long as he is nice, I think all this will work out.

    I like the post above about Cognitive Behavior Therapy. It's really helpful if you are feeling seriously overwhelmed. She made some good points.


  • Nicola0000
    Nicola0000 Posts: 531 Member
    ...and just to expand....I have the opposite problem. I can talk to anyone about anything. And I do. This does not always go well. There is a fit for everyone.

    Try reading the newpaper and keeping up with current events - preferrably non-hot button topics. Especially in a bar, I'd suggest not talking about things like politics and religion. You know, the things everyone has a strong opinion about.

    Ask about them. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. Just listen and keep asking. Then they will ask you something and you answer. Talk about the weather, or pets, or hobbies, or where you grew up.

    Good luck.

    All of these are great! I'd also suggest taking up a hobby (If you don't already) Sophomore year I moved to a new high school where I knew absolutely no one, and to overcome my shyness I joined things that I was interested, like the high school newspaper, so for you, you can join a yoga class or something in your neighbor hood that you're interested in, and that way you automatically have one thing in common with every other person in the room. It is also a good this as cmriverside suggested it is good to keep up with current events so you have something to talk about while you're still in the small talk stages, and when your talking to the other person remember everything they say, since they are shy and build off of what they say so if you ask them "what sort of music are you into" and they reply "I'm really into classical, I played the violin as a child" and since you're in the new stages of getting to know this person avoid out right disagreeing with them (I'm not saying agree with everything they say as this can be annoying ans show that you are trying too hard) but they just gave you a detail from their past so even if you're not really into classical you could say something to the affect of "Oh I've never really listen to much classical but I think it would be awesome if we could get together sometime and you could show me your music collection" and if they say yes, they're forced to talk to you and explain something they really enjoy, and I find people open up more if they;re doing or talking about something they really enjoy. Just a couple of things that worked for me hope this can help you.

    Thanks!! Im happy with some silences, but I think we've been made to think that to be sucessful, you have to be chatty and talkative.

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