Losing weight with partner who refuses to

kathryn75652
kathryn75652 Posts: 6
in Health and Weight Loss
I've lost 42lbs so far. I thought my husband would jump on the bandwagon by now, but he hasnt. It get more and more difficult to stay on task and get over this plateau when he eats sweets and asks me to cook the foods i used to cook (salisbury steak, mashed potatoes, steaks, burgers, all the fattening stuff). I've asked him to respect my decision to lose weight and support me in this, but he says, "i will think about it." It's getting very frustrating! When i was over 200lbs he complained about my weight, but now he complains about the low-fat/low-calorie eating habits we now have. PLUS he says he finds me working out "annoying"... How am I supposed to take all of this? I am dead-set on getting back to my size 5 self and i thought he was too but now he seems to fight me at every turn what's going on? any men wanna help me on this?

Replies

  • PLUMSGRL
    PLUMSGRL Posts: 1,134 Member
    Don't know how much you're eating but check out the group: Eat More to Weigh Less

    check out this blog for a synopsis:

    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/lillebanon/view/my-take-on-eating-more-to-weigh-less-254554

    also there are healthy alternatives search for posts by finallychelle

    Good Luck~
  • zellagrrl
    zellagrrl Posts: 439
    If he doesn't want what you're cooking, then he can make something for himself-- or maybe you can find some lighter versions of what he likes. I asked my fiancé to put his junk food in his office, so that it's out of sight, out of mind for me. And if you working out is annoying, well, that's ridiculous, but maybe there's something specific about it that's annoying (the music? jumping? missing time with you?) and once he elaborates that, you can work with him on changing it up.
  • js370
    js370 Posts: 140
    Sounds like someone needs to learn how to cook their own food.
  • wookiemouse
    wookiemouse Posts: 290 Member
    Oy. Yeah, I live with one of those too. Who grabs his gut every day and says how disgusting he is and then buys bags of candy at the gas station on the way home and eats it in the car. Who "doesn't have time" to workout but has time to play XBox. It's a choice, pure and simple.

    I have learned over time that you are only responsible for yourself. You are doing everything right and keep on that path. If it's YOUR job to cook for the household, then you get to choose the meals, so tough luck on his part. Just ignore his negative comments and use it to fuel your fire. He might come around, he might not. But don't let that deter you from YOUR goals.
  • Awkward30
    Awkward30 Posts: 1,927 Member
    Honestly. I would sit down and talk openly. Tell him that he isn't giving you the support you want and deserve and that isn't fair. It is fine if he doesn't want to be healthier, but if you want this to be a lifestyle change for you, you need to get him on board (or away...)

    Also... He sounds like a jerk. If he complained about your weight, he is not a good guy in my book.
  • Pisc2749
    Pisc2749 Posts: 61 Member
    He's threatened. When you change, you stop living the way your partner is, it makes him uncomfortable. I'm in the same boat and I hate it. I thought mine would jump on board when he saw me losing weight but he's almost gone the opposite way out of spite.

    Mine is at least 40 lbs. overweight, but I would be happy if he lost 20 lbs. He refuses to do anything at all. He doesn't look healthy, he looks bloated and tired. He's 42 and has a huge belly and I'm worried about his health/heart. We all eat pretty much the same thing, I just eat less and incorporate as many veggie as possible. He eats a lot during the day that I don't know about. I make his breakfast, pack his lunch, and cook dinner but he won't lose any weight because he snacks all day long.

    He has NEVER once complimented me on my weight loss and acts annoyed if I want to work out - I work out at home to DVD's in the other room. He refused to come to my first 5K, a big deal for me. It's hurtful.

    I'm 40, I REFUSE to become one of those fat, sloppy, overweight middle-aged women. Aging is hard enough, I don't need extra weight making me look worse.

    He feels like if he jumped on the wagon, I'd be controlling him somehow. I begged him to go walking with me, bought him new shoes and everything and he refused to even try them on. You would think if they are threatened that other men will want us, why don't they step up and try to look better too?
  • moodyfeesh14
    moodyfeesh14 Posts: 811 Member
    I had the same problem with my fiance after we had a heart to heart about it we agreed that saturday and sunday I would cook him the high calorie meals he loved if he would go on a walk with me and the dogs on top of my regular work out schedule and he asked for me to try and work out before he gets home or to do it right when he gets home so I am doing most of it while he is showering and changing and it has helped a lot.
  • msgoftruth
    msgoftruth Posts: 2
    Congratulations on your weight loss! My husband also won't join me in this journey, so I understand your frustration. Actually it's worse because he is the person who does the shopping and usually cooks! Your husband might be worried that you are becoming so attractive to other men that he will lose you. I have found this common. Just reassure him and keep up the good work!
  • justinamay0535
    justinamay0535 Posts: 132 Member
    My husband is kind of in the same boat. Im doing everything I can to make our whole family healthier and hes always getting fast food at lunch or getting crap from the gas station. I have finally convinced him to walk with me on the weekends! I have been taking baby steps with him. I was looking at old pictures of us when we started dating talking about how good I looked then and he kept saying how fat he is now and how strong he used to be. I have also given him a goal to reach for! I said if we can both get down to our goal weights by the end of next year when he gets back from Korea, then we can go on a vacation somewhere tropical just us two! So maybe give him something to work for and in doing that you may inspire him to continue with his weight loss! Good luck and I hope he changes his attitude.
  • Darlingir
    Darlingir Posts: 437
    sounds like he is a wee bit jealous because he doesn't have it within him right now to do it also....
  • steinbok
    steinbok Posts: 82
    I've kept to my same food routine throughout....

    I have a partner who does not need to lose weight.... and does not eat anything like me.. I do most of the cooking, so it's things that I won't eat....I make something separate for myself. Everything is good. You just have to do a little more work to keep what's good for you going. Don't heed to temptation just because your partner isn't supportive. You're doing it for you first and if s/he gets on board, all the better. Everyone is ready when they are. Forcing the issue is going to make them push back or do things in spite of what good you're trying to do yourself. Remember, it's most important to take care of yourself first. Heck, it might rub off eventually.
  • eljulia
    eljulia Posts: 40
    LOTS of good thoughts on this already!

    i'm married to one of those guys too. At least he does comment on what good work i've done, but he wants to eat all the high calorie stuff that i don't dare! But sometimes i make the things he likes and i just have a very small portion and a salad or veggies to fill in the gap for me. i just go ahead and make the vegetables and stuff i like, he just chooses not to eat them even though he talks negatively about his own weight. Another way around the meal problem, because although i love the idea that "this is dinner, eat it or make your own" i know that's not going to happen, is to make meals like i do for us eating with our vegetarian daughter. i usually make things that can go either way as far as the sides, and she has a meat alternative for her own meal. And i make stuff like i want but just have bread or potatoes or something for the non-dieters in the family.

    TWO really great points were brought up by several other people, one being you are only responsible for your choices. As sad as it is, the other person has to want to make a change for them to move past INspiration to PERspiration. i've had several people tell me how i've inspired them, but they aren't willing to do the work! The second great point: it's threatening to them to see us gain control in our weight and health. It can make them uncomfortable with their own choices. But only they can make that decision, same as we have, to be someplace better in a year!
  • kathryn75652
    kathryn75652 Posts: 6
    thanks for all your supportive comments! :-) yea he def is a jerk LOL i've tried the heart to hearts LOL he works at home from his computer so he just ignores me or tries to start a fight so that doesnt work i just let him get his way it's not worth the argument i cook what i want. trust me on that i just want some support that's all... but i know i have the support of you guys and that DEF makes a difference thanks guys :-D
  • aligatorwww
    aligatorwww Posts: 48 Member
    My husband is a workout fanatic but eats terrible. (he's a skinny *kitten* and actually loses weight when he stops working out WTF). We eat some of the same dinners and some not. I work out after work and don't get home until 7:45ish so he has to cook his own 3 nights a week (or starve). My sis's husband is like yours. They feel threatened some how. Not sure why. Just keep it up because it will benefit both of you when you're feelin great about yourself!!!
  • chaoticchica
    chaoticchica Posts: 4 Member
    First of all, congratulations on your hard work! Second, and I don't think this is an issue, do not stop doing what is right for you because of him. My husband complains about his expanding waist line and jumps on the diet bandwagon with me but then gets frustrated or busy and stops. He works really hard, long hours so when he is home, that is our time. As a result I exercise when he's at work. On the rare occasion that I didn't get to it he'll jump on the computer while I get it done or we'll pop in a movie and I'll get on the gazelle but most days I try to make sure it's done before then. When he was out of work for a while it was harder but it was more on me then it was him because he never complained about it. Not once. He never complained about the weight I gained and never complained about my weight loss efforts except to tell me to stop spending money on diet pills and just do it the old fashioned way. A supportive husband doesn't have to lose weight with you but he shouldn't be feeling so threatened to be sabatoging your efforts. And for the record, my husband is a picky eater and we've come up with a plan; most nights the meals are something that he'd eat and on the other nights when I'm craving what he can't stand either he or I will make him something else. There's always a solution.
  • DaSavedSinner
    DaSavedSinner Posts: 211 Member
    I do almost all cooking in our home so I usually make my dinner different for example today for dinner I took chicken breast and boiled it with no seasoning, pulled out wife's portion and the extra that I would not use(and sealed and put in fridge), took left over mac n cheese and added marinara, italian seasoning and garlic powder and micro waved it, warmed up 2 breaded chicken fingers for the kid, placed the boiled chicken on a bed of the mac n cheese for wife, the finger on a bed for the kid, they are ready, While this was going on I had already added italin seasoning, crushed red pepper, garlic, frozen veggies, parmesan and extra onion to the boiling brothe with the chicken i left in it for me. All 3 meals different but made from the same 2 base items (excluding the kids breaded fingers)

    I accidently guilt trip my wife because I know she wants to lose weight but each time she gives into temptation I just tell her "your in control so its your choice"

    I wish you the best, I know it is rough.
  • SlowlyLosingLolita
    SlowlyLosingLolita Posts: 93 Member
    Honestly. I would sit down and talk openly. Tell him that he isn't giving you the support you want and deserve and that isn't fair. It is fine if he doesn't want to be healthier, but if you want this to be a lifestyle change for you, you need to get him on board (or away...)

    Also... He sounds like a jerk. If he complained about your weight, he is not a good guy in my book.

    I completely agree. Well said.
  • CassieReannan
    CassieReannan Posts: 1,479 Member
    What a lousy husband... No offence.
    But I would be supportive of it, he obviously doesnt want to lose weight. You think after seeing how great you look he would put up with it! When I decided to lose weight, my fiance started eating healthier when I was around at his house and goes on walks with me when I visit. We were surprised to find out he has lost 5 kilos and I have lost almost 9!
  • JennsRAQ
    JennsRAQ Posts: 132 Member
    I've found that it's easier on my family (hubby and 3 kids that are actually eating) if I make dinner like I normally would. For example, I still make spaghetti with the regular amount of meat I'd usually make - I still make semi unhealthy side items (usually one semi-unhealthy item and one or two healthier choices).... I just choose to make my own portions healthier by making them smaller on the entree and heavier on the healthy sides or I don't get a cheesy bread for myself, etc. ykwim?

    I do make certain changes whether he likes it or not, though. I make garlic/cheesy bread on whole wheat bread, for example. I also use lower fat dairy items, leaner meats, whole wheat pastas, etc. I feel better about the nutrition I'm giving to my family but I'm still letting my husband stuff his face with lots of food. I've given up on trying to serve him meatless meals and such. :)
  • cmeade20
    cmeade20 Posts: 1,238 Member
    I have no advice...when I was growing up Mom made what Mom made and if you didn't like it tough *kitten*. My dad didn't dare complain about what she made.
  • pfarley68
    pfarley68 Posts: 83 Member
    Be strong. Sometimes a husband or wife will feel threatened by the weight loss of their spouse. Keep doing what your doing, don't bug him to change. Make him the food he likes and be patient. He may or may not come around but you want to keep marital harmony. Don't quit. Spouses are funny people sometimes when we lose weight. I am only 10 lbs into my weight loss and my husband is already telling me I am perfect, lol. I still have almost 50 to lose. When he sees you looking better and feeling better maybe he will jump on board.
  • ShannonD13
    ShannonD13 Posts: 51 Member
    Hang in there!
  • albinogorilla
    albinogorilla Posts: 1,056 Member
    I have run into this as well. I do most of the cooking, so I just make different things, and cook differently for us. I make chicken, i cook mine plain, bread theirs. I make burgers, I make mine seperate and make them when they like. I am doing what I am doing here for myself, and I wouldn't force it on anyone. My wife has lost weight along the way with me, by making healthier choices here and there, and cutting out some things. But they still like their pizza and subs, which is fine, I just make other options available for myself in those situations. And both of my kids always want to try what I have, and one of them always enjoys it. Thats the most I can ask for.

    Just keep doing what you are doing for you, that's who you are here for.
  • irishblonde2011
    irishblonde2011 Posts: 618 Member
    Totally agree. I would be telling him to make his own food if he doesn't like it. Maybe you could make one meal of his choice once a week but yeah my partner would be going hungry if that was the case lol :)
  • holliph
    holliph Posts: 88 Member
    I would just put your foot down. Sounds like you are living with a temperamental toddler that forgot to take his nap!

    If you continue to cook the healthy food for both of you he will start to loose weight. It just might take longer if he is only changing an eating routing and not exercising as well.
    IF he still complains about it, tell him you want to see a marriage counselor since he seemed to have forgotten about your wedding vows: "in sickness and in HEALTH" (and also tell him to fend for himself in the kitchen)!
    some people balk at change but after a while he will come around especially if he has to cook every meal for himself.
    Be very proud of yourself for what you are doing! If it wasn't for us women all men would die before they even hit their mid 60's. We are the ones that take care of the issues they never want to tackle: HEALTH

    Best of luck. I hope he does come around for your sanity & his health!
    Holli

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