Broke up with my Girlfriend of 8 years...help!!!

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I've been having a very difficult time with my situation, and hope to get some advice and support. My girlfriend of 8 years, including 1 as my fiance and I, split up earlier this year. This was a second relationship for both of us. I'm going to try to fairly articulate what has occurred. We had our share of ups and downs, and had been living together off-and-on for several years. To my knowledge, she was faithful to me as I was her. Even when our differences led to previous separations, all were over relatively minor things as I look back on it. The problem between us seems to be that we do not bring out the best in each other, as there were issues of trust on her part, and frustration on mine. I would get moody, seem to vacillate in how I felt depending on the status of our relationship. We went through periods where everything appeared good, but it never lasted very long. Lots of mind-reading and poor communication on both ends.

I committed everything to this relationship, and in an attempt to assure her of my love and committment, I rarely went anywhere or did anything. I felt like I did not have much freedom, and it seemed like whenever I tried to talk with her about an issue, problems only got worse. I was alright with not having much of a voice, and compromised myself in the process. I asked her to quit accusing me of things (even entering data on MFP was construed as secretly chatting) - and my frustrations only grew. We were living in her house with her kids. The fighting was not good, and of course I was always viewed as the instigator. I really do not know what more I could have done to assure her.

We didn't communicate like we should have, and we both felt like we were "right," both stubborn. She made serious, untrue allegations against me which were very painful, and even wrote a list of terrible things about me. No matter what I said to try to alleviate any concern she had, it simply was not enough. We both can be short-tempered and knew how to push one another's buttons. Things came to a head when we tried to talk things out and I asked her not to again accuse me of untrue things, but it continued almost as if we never had the discussion. I simply do not know where this was coming from, and she now describes this tactic as "making sure she would not lose me." I stood my ground when this continued, told her I would be moving out and that I wanted to continue our relationship, hopefully introducing some counseling. Her stance was that would not work for her, largely because of her trust. My position was that living with her and having no independent interests of my own outside the house was crushing me. I could do nothing to convince her that I was exclusively hers. I was committed to her and bought her a beautiful diamond engagement ring, despite knowing of trust issues - because I was in love with her and was willing to accept the good and the bad. I started to withdraw from her and her friends, as I did not like the way I was being treated. Just how long is someone supposed to be accused of things?

I left in late January or February, and had no real plan to do so, but was at my wit's end. I was willling to stay and work things out, but simply thought it best to avoid a fight - and told her that if I thought things were going to get bad again, out of respect for our relationship and her children, I would not stay. Things were in such disarray that I had to live with my son for about a month, until I could liquidate some assets and secure a residence. I've been made to feel guilty for acquiring a new car and house, but desperately needed both. I’ve been beating myself up about this for months, wondering what I could have done differently. I'm now accused of abandoning her - and I suspect this issue was present long before me.

We have had discussions via text, and occasional phone contact, but it's just very non-productive and at times very argumentative. She agreed to counseling, but failed to show for the second session - and there's more sadness to that story, which has really hurt me. She cites the reason as I waited too long to set it up, but went the first session anyway. I discovered she had other plans that night, putting it mildly. I'm trying to figure out why I allow myself to even be concerned for someone like this, and am continuing with counseling in order to work through this. I am very worried about how others think of me and even am worried about someone who has now blocked me on text messaging. My friends and family think that I'm better off, but I simply fail to see the light. I've apologized for not staying to work it out and have explained to her "why I left" on countless occasions, but she's shut me out and won't respond to me now.

I miss her and feel like I'm responsible for everything. I want to start to feel like myself again – and I got away from MFP and the gym where we jointly went together, and have gained weight since leaving. I'm worried that most people would feel relief from leaving, and it's only made me very sad - as I cared deeply for her. I know that things would just go back to how they were, like a vicious cycle should we have reunited.

I genuinely do not know what to do, as I'm certain she has found a new guy. Sorry for the long post, I guess I am still searching around for an answer! Truly I'm just very sad that someone could treat me so poorly, and not try to see things from my perspective. I know it's over but I'm trying to move on, and I'd like some feedback...friendships from anyone having undergone a painful breakup are welcomed.
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Replies

  • sktllmdrhmz
    sktllmdrhmz Posts: 2,073 Member
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    I'm sorry, man. This kind of thing sucks hard. I've gone through a 5 year break up/divorce. It's a killer, and things might hurt for a long time, but they get better.
  • LeellenMack
    LeellenMack Posts: 141 Member
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    Maybe you two will work it out, eventually. 8 years is a long time but for now you need to focus on you. You got a house and car which is good and you are in counseling which is great.
    You say you did everything you could but admit that the communication was poor and communication works two ways. Figure out your ownership in any issues you had and then acknowledge that love can't solve all things.
    I am married and see relationships like the one you describe and I thank my lucky stars that when I am home with him it is peaceful and safe, there are arguments (and silence) but at the heart is safety and I hope that for anyone. If she cannot provide that for you and you for her it is time to find it for yourself.
    Good luck!
  • BEERRUNNER
    BEERRUNNER Posts: 3,049 Member
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    I went through something similar........ I also was engaged and lived with her. It was like a 6-7 year relationship. When it ended it was HARD for me to let go....................hard as hell.
    But time heals..........and many bottles of whisky!! hahahahah

    In hindsight it was the BEST thing that ever happened to me! The experiences, good times and the people I have met after ending that relationshipare priceless....................

    look at it as a new BEGINNING.....a new journey! a new worl! a new you!!!!!!!
  • rossi02
    rossi02 Posts: 549 Member
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    I'm sorry, but I don't understand why you miss her and your old life so much. Everything you have listed paints a very unhappy picture. Are you sure you aren't missing the idea of having someone in your life??

    I think you need to stop thinking of ways to get her back and focus on yourself. Being happy with yourself and to a place where you feel good in general, then see where life takes you.
  • jenbk2
    jenbk2 Posts: 623 Member
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    My neighbor is going through a similar situation. It is going to hurt for awhile- but eventually you will feel better. You aren't going to wake up and not love her anymore. You were not in a good relationship. Take this time to find yourself and exactly what you want. She sounds like she was controlling and to be honest- you may have been emotionally abused. Stick with the counseling. In every relationship both people should have equal voice. Not the one telling the other what they can or can not do. Good luck. It will be a long road- but in a year you will look back and thank you lucky stars you are out of this kind of relationship. I would also suggest you break all communications with her. You can not move on if you still are in contact with her.
  • lniffa
    lniffa Posts: 718 Member
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    Wow, that to me doesn't sound like a very good relationship. Trust should be there and it isn't and being made to give up everything in your life just so she can feel better is not a good sign. I got out of a 14 year relationship about 4 yrs ago and I felt like, I wouldn't be able to go on without this person. Guess what! I have and it's been 4 great years without him and I have met a great man that treats me they way I should be.

    Take time for yourself and your child, be your own person and decide what you want from there. There are days you will feel like crap, but eventually it will get better. Join another gym, get back on your journey, this time take care of YOU!!
  • hdsqrl
    hdsqrl Posts: 420 Member
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    You asked for help, so while I certainly feel for you, I'll go light on the sympathy talk and offer actionable ideas:

    1. Continue counseling on your own - there are likely issues within you that could be worked on and help you to determine why you stayed for so long and why you're having trouble letting go.

    2. Google extensively for Narcissistic personality disorder. Your ex sounds scarily like my ex, and I, too, had isolated myself from the rest of the world in an attempt to appease him. Since we've been apart (8 years now), I've rediscovered myself and my own interests and am 1000% happier with my life. I hope that one day you'll be able to say the same. Narcissists can pull you in and hold you captive, and it's such an unhealthy place to be.

    3. Rediscover your own loves. Don't think about "would SHE like it?" but reach out and do things that interest you. Find yourself again in the process. :)

    If you'd like to connect as friends, I'm a willing ear. Best of everything to you.
  • MissAmyB80
    MissAmyB80 Posts: 159 Member
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    It's part of the greiving process. Sounds to me like you made the right decision to leave and let this go. But even though it's the right decision - it will definetely be hard. And you may THINK you regret it - and you want her back - but it's just in the moment that feeling of lonliness and she is the quick answer. In that moment when you feel lonely - you easily recall the good times that you miss...and forget all the good reasons WHY you left in the first place. You need to suffer through it and move on. It's people who can't heal from the pain and lonliness that end up getting back together with people they shouldn't or "rebounding" too soon with someone else.

    Give yourself some time to grieve. And feel the pain. And HEAL. And then you will find yourself there. And you will remember what it's like to be happy. And to have freedom. And respect yourself. Then - and ONLY then - should you consider moving on with someone else.

    Take sometime for you man - you deserve it!!!!
  • ultim8one
    ultim8one Posts: 80 Member
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    There's always two sides to every story. Judging by your side you both sound better off as what you describe was very unhealthy for you, her and probably her kids. Entering into an already once broken home already has it's own baggage. (she had kids from a previuos relationship) You need to remember that it always takes two !! Two to make it work .. and two to let it fall apart. I know some will say .. "well, if she didn't want to work on it but he did .. Blah blah blah" ... That's a cop out. It does in fact take two (except in extreme cases of abuse .. let's not go there) to let a relationship fail.

    With that said, you simply cannot hold yourself as the sole person responsible. You sound as if you're a compassionate man who has a lot of love to give to the right woman. Fact is ... she just didn't really sound like the right woman .. for you !! Unhealthy is unhealthy ... period. Trust issues are very difficult, sometime impossible to over come. No matter if they're legitimate or not. Often times people bring baggage into every new relationship and never stop to wonder why all their relationships fail. Continuing to seek council is a very mature step on your part. All you can do or control is how YOU respond to this situation. As long as YOU learn something from it .. as long as YOU grow from it .... as long as YOU can move forward in a positive fashion then that time is not wasted time.

    There's not much that can be said to help ease the pain of lost love my friend. All I can say is there is always light at the end of the tunnel !! Just keep your head high and keep moving forward !!!
  • Crochetluvr
    Crochetluvr Posts: 3,143 Member
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    The only thing I can suggest is that you treat this whole thing as over. I know you probably dont want to but you are only going to get more and more frustrated. If she has moved on, you need to as well.

    I know people that spent 10 years together and ended up separating because they were more miserable than happy living together. Its a long time to invest in a relationship but thats not a reason to continue to try and salvage it after years of see-sawing. You think she will change...will YOU? Personality is something you are born with. You can curb certain things but never totally eliminate them. And why should you? Find someone who can accept the person you are and not play games with your feelings....you will be a LOT happier.

    ETA - I should also add that getting complete closure in a relationship gone bad is very rare. Ask me how I know.
  • mjlobeau
    mjlobeau Posts: 28 Member
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    I can tell you for sure that the pain isnt gonna go away right away, but it will get easier to deal with. i was with my ex for 9 years (married for 3), and the time finally came that i knew i had to leave, and it was absolutely heart wrenching. leaving was the worst thing i have ever gone through in my life, and the hardest decision i have ever made.(or probably will ever make). you just have to trust in your support system, your fmaily and friends. sometimes its hard to lean on them, but you have to. it will get better i promise. you really do need to think of it as a new beginning, and the start of a new journey for you. That will be the best thing you can do for yourself. take care :)
  • jolarocknrolla
    jolarocknrolla Posts: 236 Member
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    you know, i hope to god that you will NOT work things out w/ her. Look, you were not meant to be together, you didn't WORK very well together. I know you invested a lot of time and energy and a lot of yourself in this relationship ... beleive that it was not a waste of time though, after some time passes you will reflect on this and find out a lot about yourself. You sound like a good guy, not perfect (who is?), but the issue was you were not with the right person. You know you have to move on, you said it yourself.

    There is no good route to moving on, but it starts with letting go of your old relationship. Stop texting and calling her - there is no saving this relationship, CUT THE CORD. Then start reclaiming your life the way you want to live it. Go and do the stuff you wanted to do before but didn't in order to maintain your relationship. Get back to the gym - go every day. Go out with friends, make new friends. Concentrate on YOU, not her or even some other woman (yet), give yourself time to heal and find yourself again. don't jump into any new serious relationships for a while - flirt maybe, go on a casual date maybe, but leave yourself some room to breath and grow. Become the kind of person YOU can love and then find someone who love the person you have become.

    Good luck buddy, it's not easy.
  • kd_mazur
    kd_mazur Posts: 569 Member
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    I have been there...and I know how this time in your life feels. I might suggest you read "The five languages of love", while it won't help this relationship if she is not willing, surprisingly it may help you in the future. It describes the fact that everyone speaks thier own language when it comes to how they need to be loved and how to communicate effectivly if you and your loved one don't speak the same language.

    Perhaps now is a good time to take a up a new hobby or join a recreational sports team? Now is the time to do something for yourself.
  • victoria4321
    victoria4321 Posts: 1,719 Member
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    You know what they say..."The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else"

    But really, just get out and meet new people. Try to have fun. It probably wasn't meant to be so on the bright side at least it leaves an opening for you to find someone that you're more compatible with rather than forcing something that wasn't working.
  • _Ivian
    _Ivian Posts: 198
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    I'm sorry you're going through this! I know it sucks and have been in a similar situation. I learned that no one can love another person without first loving themselves. And from what I gather, her trust issues and allegations of cheating clearly prove she's insecure and it's getting the best of her. Mind-reading and poor communication, after so long, become a habit. A habit that's hard to break. At this point, I think it would be best to move on and focus on yourself, your happiness and your well-being. Eight years is a long time, but would you rather stay with someone that makes you miserable or pick up the pieces and move on?

    Don't make her a priority, when you were obviously not one of hers (since she missed the counseling appointment). Join another gym (it helped me and I was in the best shape ever!), reconnect with friends and family, pick up on your hobbies, try new things and cut off all communication with her. It'll be rough, but you'll live.
  • A_New_Horizon
    A_New_Horizon Posts: 1,555 Member
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    It is hard to "let go" when you were in a relationship so long. I am in the process of a divorce from my soon to be ex of 5 yrs. I did everything I feel I could have done to "save our marriage" - my ex just wasn't willing to change, but unlike your ex, mine cheated and is abusive. I know you don't see it now, but this will all work out. Time is on your side, and it does help. I have been seperated from my ex for almost a year, and I am waiting for my ex to sign papers. I have very deep emotional scars from him, and I don't see myself like others do (I wish I could). It took alot of work on my part to finally say enough is enough. I also lost almost 50 lbs before I kicked him to the curb.

    When you are so emotional (like yourself), you are so focused on emotions that everything else falls the wayside. I learned this in DivorceCare which helped ALOT. Stop questioning yourself - I know there are always 2 sides to every story, but it sounds like you did everything you could. It takes 2 to make a relationship work, and she just wasn't into it. It is hard when you have trust issues. My boyfriend and I are both from cheating relationships, so we have issues that we have brought into the relationship - but we work through them. We are very open with each other especially since we are 2700 miles apart. We met on MFP. Take things slow and work on you right now - get yourself back on track before worrying about anything else. Take care and good luck.
  • kansasbelle
    kansasbelle Posts: 264 Member
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    Guilt is NEVER a reason to stay in relationship. Without trust it's not fair for you. You have every right to move on with your life and take care of yourself. If she isn't able to be successful that is on her not you. Don't waste your life on someone who is a not willing to make an effort because you are accustomed to the relationship. The fact that after leaving her you made immediate changes for the better speaks volumes about how this relationship negatively impacted your life. A year ago I finally left my spouse of ten years. He had become addicted to prescription drugs and had in the process made me loose everything,he made half hearted attempts to change or get sober and GUILTED me into staying. I was told I breaking my marriage vows the "in sickness and heath part he said". I was going against God if I left him because addiction is an illness which was another manipulation. He used my education working with mental illness and addiction to make me stay as well as my experience as the daughter of an alcoholic. I was an empty shell of a person when I finally left. I didn't know how to do more than exist, to not be ashamed that I let someone treat me so poorly in the name of love. I felt guilty because I couldn't change or save him. But that is not my job. My job in mine and God's eyes is to take care of myself so I can use the gifts I have been blessed with to help others. A year later I am down almost 40 pounds, I was 17 hours from home starting over with nothing car, apartment, I mean nothing. Now I have an apartment, a better job, a POS car but hey it's mine and I am a lot happier. I am not waiting for the next fight, the next nreakup. I not tip toeing around or holding my breath anymore. I have rediscovered the stregnth, courage, and resourcefulness that he had taken advantage of all those years and used it to make myself a better person. It's not our job to sacrifice ourselves at the expense of others. You deserve someone who empowers you not drags you down. That kind of behavior that was causing you to become isolated from people and not be able to even communicate freely bordres on abuse. It's a controlling and manipulative behavior to make you stay. You deserve better and are not responsible for her life and how it's turning out. Relationships should be about equality and it sounds as if yours was not. I know it's painful because you can't help the person you love, but I bet if you take inventory of y'alls expereinces together the bad probably outweigh the positive. I know they do just from what you have written. Stop trying to rationalize to yourself why it didn't work out and that you could have done something to make it work. I know it's hard to be alone but I bet you apprecaite not having to walk on eggshells everyday, trying to avoid another fight, another breakup, or whatever would come next if you didn't behave in a certain manner.(do you see how that is controlling?) That is not living that is existing. Enjoy your freedom and surround yourself with people who encourage you. Be proud of what you have accomplished instead of feeling guilty for moving on.

    Good luck and God bless, You can friend me if you want.
  • TurtleRunnerNC
    TurtleRunnerNC Posts: 768 Member
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    The problem with being treated poorly for so long is tjat you get used to it. Feel like you deserve it. Feel like it's your fault even when it is not. Granted there are two sides to every story & it takes two to tango so it isn't really possible that it is ALL your fault.

    It sounds to me like you tried your best to make it work & the she seems to be manipulative & controlling (from what you have written). You have managed to let her convince you that you are the problem & It's your fault. And maybe some of it is but certainly not all.

    I would suggest you cut ties. No calls, no texts (block her or change your #. Go to counseling on your own to try to get your confidence back. It sounds like you are a good guy who did the best he could in a crap situation (sorry) and now you feel bad because you could not fix it & make it work.

    Time my friend. Realistically is there anything you could have done to make that relationship good by yourself? If not then you will realize it soon and you will be ok.
  • _binary_jester_
    _binary_jester_ Posts: 2,132 Member
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    c1iFJ.jpg



    You know...in case you have stretch marks from weight loss
  • Amy_Lynn74
    Amy_Lynn74 Posts: 134 Member
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    One time when I had a break up in college I had a real tough time with it and someone told me that ending a relationship is like a death but it is even harder because you have to grieve and they are still there. It will take time but you will get through it. You need to take care of you now. Get a membership to a different gym. Go do all those thingsyou couldn't do while you were with her. Hang out with "the guys." Take this time to get to know who you are again. It sounds like you deserve a lot better than what you were given. I think it is good that you are continueing with counseling for yourself. It helps to get the perspective of someone that is just there to listen and help you be the best you you can be!!:flowerforyou: