the memory of running

my post title....is the title of a book i read 2 yrs ago....about a man who grew into an obese, sad, apathetic person through a series of depressing life events....



then woke up to it all.........



that's me....minus a gender difference........



i've been purposely numbing and self medicating my pain with food....and other excess.......sex in my younger years.....then alcohol.............now food....well really..........always food



the last time i remember being honestly, physically fit...is in middle school......i remembered today...as i listened to the rushing river next to me....in stark contrast to the still sounds of the wooded trail i walked......what it felt like when i was just a girl.....

running and playing with gleeful abandon

i never knew....or cared....just how strong and healthy my body was then

it was of no consequence

now, as a woman on the verge of 35....as a woman battling (often spirit crushing) health issues....and as a survivor of abuse for many years of my life.....sexual, physical, and emotional.............

i want my body back

i want to own it

and delight in it's every sensation......pleasure and pain

i want to understand my body and re-connect with it

it isn't my body's fault...nor my fault.....what someone else did to us



i want to feel strong, fast, and free........i want to love my body for the same reason i loved it as a child

because of what it can DO.....not because of what anyone else thinks or feels about it



i decided to try jogging/sort-of-running today at intervals

and it felt great....just knowing if i push hard enough that i will be strong enough to run again

the river.... the memory of running..........and a spark (of love for myself)

that's my fuel....the components needed to start this fire inside me



i want to be trailblazing before my 35th birthday

here i come december