Need a joke, please!

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  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    I'm having an unbearable day at work. :explode: :sad: :grumble: :mad: Can you share a joke to cheer me up a bit?

    It would be much appreciated! :flowerforyou: :love: :bigsmile: :heart:

    You have to answer the following out loud, ok?

    Here it is:


    If a wristwatch from England is an English wristwatch and a wristwatch from Scotland is a Scottish wristwatch... what is a wristwatch from Ireland called?

    I don't get it :sad:

    Say Irish wristwatch....It is hard.:laugh:

    Not for me, so it ain't funny :angry:

    Thanks for putting me out of my misery though :flowerforyou: I'm here in work saying "Irish wristwatch" out loud to myself and looking like a complete eejit! AND I'M FROM IRELAND!!!

    Don't feel bad..i didn't get it either...:blushing:

    I didn't "get it" either but I did laugh at myself saying "Iwish wish wash" :laugh:
  • mommared53
    mommared53 Posts: 9,543 Member
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    A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

    For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

    That one cracked me up! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • mommared53
    mommared53 Posts: 9,543 Member
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    OK sorry hit the wrong button.
    This is my daughters favorite joke at the moment.
    St peter went to talk to God and god told him that the world wad having problums and that only 5% of the people on earth were being good and that he wanted St peter to send out and Email to the 5% and that it was very important to send out the emails Because it contained important information.
    And do you know what the Email Said?








    Neither do I I did not get one either :smile:

    Oh, that's cute! :laugh:
  • mommared53
    mommared53 Posts: 9,543 Member
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    This one is so cheesy but it always make people laugh:

    Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin looks at the other and says "Is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin says " Holy *kitten*. A talking muffin!"

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • mommared53
    mommared53 Posts: 9,543 Member
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    I'm having an unbearable day at work. :explode: :sad: :grumble: :mad: Can you share a joke to cheer me up a bit?

    It would be much appreciated! :flowerforyou: :love: :bigsmile: :heart:

    You have to answer the following out loud, ok?

    Here it is:


    If a wristwatch from England is an English wristwatch and a wristwatch from Scotland is a Scottish wristwatch... what is a wristwatch from Ireland called?

    I don't get it :sad:

    Say Irish wristwatch....It is hard.:laugh:

    Not for me, so it ain't funny :angry:

    Thanks for putting me out of my misery though :flowerforyou: I'm here in work saying "Irish wristwatch" out loud to myself and looking like a complete eejit! AND I'M FROM IRELAND!!!

    Don't feel bad..i didn't get it either...:blushing:

    I didn't "get it" either but I did laugh at myself saying "Iwish wish wash" :laugh:

    I got it just saying it to myself. I can barely talk the way it is. :laugh: :laugh:
  • busymom74
    busymom74 Posts: 3,341 Member
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    Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?


    Because then it'd be a foot! :laugh: :laugh:


    Why was the tomato blushing?

    Because he saw the salad dressing! :laugh: :laugh:
  • mommared53
    mommared53 Posts: 9,543 Member
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    Here's a joke my son made up years ago.

    Why don't sea gulls fly over the bay?

    Because then they would be called bagels. (bay gulls) :laugh: corny I know. :laugh:
  • busymom74
    busymom74 Posts: 3,341 Member
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    ^ FUNNY!! lol
  • Gogo
    Gogo Posts: 9,942 Member
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    How do you get a Kleenex to dance?



    Put a little boogie in it. :laugh: :bigsmile: :laugh:
  • Gogo
    Gogo Posts: 9,942 Member
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    A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

    The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

    He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

    The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

    Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

    "The funeral director," said his wife.
  • jigglybits
    jigglybits Posts: 100 Member
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    What do u call cheese that is not mine??

    Not-your-cheese

    Don't get it?

    Say it really fast and it comes out like

    Nacho Cheese

    Bad I know but my girls love it!!
  • guidosgal
    guidosgal Posts: 581 Member
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    Guido and Mario got on a ship to travel to the US.
    They both brought a horse with them. Now Mario was very worried because there horses would be kept steerage for the trip. He told his brother Guido "I donda know Guido howisa we gonna know whos horsa isa whos if we canta keep our eyes on dem.
    Guido thought about it a bit then said "Heya Mario we willa cut the main ofa your horsa really shorta and the Tail ofa mine shorta, then we willa know whos horse is whos"
    Mario smiled and told his brother what a good Idea it was and proceeded to give the horses there hair cuts
    They enjoyed the rest of the voyage and when they arrived in the US they went to pick up there horses
    Guido heard Marios crys of distress.
    "Whatsa madder Mario" Guido asked?
    Mario Said "Guido looka Looka the horses there hair has gowna back becausa da trip she wasa so long. Now we donta know whosa horse is whos"
    Guido thought for a minute or two and and told mario"Its Okay brother hows about I take da brown one and you datake the white one. :bigsmile:
  • mommared53
    mommared53 Posts: 9,543 Member
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    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • thumper44
    thumper44 Posts: 1,464 Member
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    A man was drunk at a bar and was worried after throwing up on himself.

    Man says "My wife's going to shoot me"

    Bartender says "Hey, when you go home, put $10 bill in your shirt pocket, and tell the wife you were at the bar, and a man threw up on you and he gave you $10 for the cleaning bill."

    Man thinks about it thinks it's a great idea and goes home.
    Sure enough when he walks in the door, his wife is giving him the third degree

    Wife "what did you do, you threw up on yourself again".

    Man "No Hunny, I didn't! A man at the bar did and he felt bad so he gave me $10 for the cleaning."

    Man pulls out $20 from his shirt pocket.

    Wife "I thought he only gave you $10 for the cleaning"

    Man "Yah the other $10 is because he pooped in my pants"
  • guidosgal
    guidosgal Posts: 581 Member
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    OK that was funny :tongue:
  • Georg
    Georg Posts: 1,728 Member
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    This was sent to me (blonde) from a blonde friend & my blonde sister the same week! It must be a true story!

    :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:
    During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde coworker was
    using the following password:

    MICKEYMINNIEPLUTOHUEYLOUIEDEWEYDONALDGOOFY

    When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least
    8 characters long.

    :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:
  • katie517
    katie517 Posts: 159
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    Thanks everyone! Since today is a much better day just by being Friday, I will contribute also.

    Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other "Hey, how do you drive this thing?!" :bigsmile: :laugh:

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