Being the "fat friend"

Erisad
Erisad Posts: 1,580
in Motivation and Support
Okay, I'm seeing my friends from college this weekend for a pool party. I love them dearly, I do but every time I see them it's made very clear that I'm the fattest one there. Even after losing 50 pounds, I'm still bigger than they are. I bought a new swimsuit, one of those "swimdresses" because I feel uncomfortable in any other style at this point. I'll just have to find a way to deal with their perfect bikini bodies and how I'll never be able to compare to them. Part of me wishes I didn't have such good-looking friends. They tell me I look fine but I still feel inadequate in pretty much every way. Doesn't help that I'm out of work and most of them have jobs too. Does anyone else relate? >.<

Replies

  • Dudagarcia
    Dudagarcia Posts: 849 Member
    If that's how they view u and ur made to feel this way why do u even bother going. Maybe u need new friends. This my point of view.
  • SweetSammie
    SweetSammie Posts: 391 Member
    I do sometimes. I really did in the past. I remember having a group of girls I went to concerts with, and feeling like I was the "fat friend," (now I realize I wasn't fat, I just wasn't as thin as they are) or sort of girl-next-door-ish compared to their sexier looks. Later on, one told me that she was always jealous because I was "naturally pretty" and "didn't need to try as hard."

    We ALL are our own worst enemies. They are probably being sincere, and secretly nitpicking themselves.

    P.S. Another key is... no matter how uncomfortable you feel, if you walk into a room (or a pool) like you own it, most people will believe your confidence.
  • GabbyGabz23
    GabbyGabz23 Posts: 2
    I can totally relate! I´ve always been the fat friend, they not only look amazing in their bikinis but don´t diet at all! they are eating fatty delicious food all the time!. A lot of times I decided to stay home so I wouldn´t feel bad in my one piece swim suit. I also understand the part about wishing you didn´t have good looking friends! You are not alone! But this won´t happen next summer cause you are gonna be fit! :)
    I want to lose 40 pounds, maybe we can do it together! do you want an email buddy? :)
  • aymetcalf
    aymetcalf Posts: 597 Member
    Yep! Been there - and even after I've lost weight I can't wear a bathing suit in public. It sucks - stretch marks, flabby tummy, loose skin - i'm a disaster. And summer is the worst b/c of bikinis and pool parties! oh well - chin up - MFP is getting us healthier regardless. :flowerforyou:
  • reneelee
    reneelee Posts: 877 Member
    Is it how they make you feelor is it how you feel?
  • jenkinsjerry
    jenkinsjerry Posts: 99 Member
    There's a mildy easy solution to this, provided you're able to add this "box" to your life, and that's the box of, "Do not compare yourself to anyone". Once you make this your gospel, life gets a whole lot easier. What's super cool is what you're doing, and how good you feel about you and what you've done and where you're going... Fill up on those kinds of thoughts and be happy for your thinner friends. Truly happy... This too is a whole lot easier when you're happy with you and not comparing yourself to whomever... I learned this skill a few years back and it's working in all kinds of areas of my life... I have very wealthy friends, friends who are doctors, etc. They have their gifts, I have mine. They're not better than me, I'm not better than them. Cool?

    My "hero" in this line of thinking is Zig Ziglar. He taught me the no comparison model and also inspired me with the foolproof plan to lose my own weight, which I've battled my whole life. This year, I reached my goal of losing 37, now 38 LBS. If you set a goal like this and reach it, I guaranty you, you won't struggle with your buds any longer. They'll want to know what you've doing to have such a positive mental attitude.
  • StarkLark
    StarkLark Posts: 476 Member
    Part of me wishes I didn't have such good-looking friends.
    Awww don't wish that! Beautiful friends are a gift, just use it to motivate yourself!

    Edited to say.... don't give up! Keep getting healthy and stay positive - the confidence, self esteem and even a job can naturally follow.
  • GoodMorningGirl
    GoodMorningGirl Posts: 103 Member
    Yes, I can relate too, although my issues stem more from being the only divorced person in my circle of friends. But the older I get, the less I compare myself to others. If you enjoy their company, and they're good friends, then go and have fun and try not to worry about the unfairness of bikini babes. I've NEVER worn one in my life and I guess I never will. If you always feel sad when you see them, you need new friends, but if it's just situations like pool parties, I'd try to overlook it but also have more social situations with them that don't make you feel so uncomfortable.
  • lexximan
    lexximan Posts: 322 Member
    If that's how they view u and ur made to feel this way why do u even bother going. Maybe u need new friends. This my point of view.

    I doubt they view her this way. I dont think this is a problem on behalf of her friends at all. Most people judge less than we think they do.

    Thinking this way is natural for some people. I am like that no matter what weight I am! I choose to cover myself up at ALL weights because there is always going to be someone YOU think is more attractive and "skinnier" than yourself.

    Just remember every person you wish your body looked like, or thought they are judging you. THAT person hates something about themselves/their body as well.

    Rock your suit or dont swim. But just have fun.
    (I dont swim for the very same reason... ha do as I say not as I do)
    =]
  • Erisad
    Erisad Posts: 1,580
    No, my friends aren't pointing out my flaws. They tell me I'm looking really good. It's just my inner critic labeling me as inadequate and as "the fat friend." I want to go because I miss them and since I graduated I may see them 1-2 times a year. Who knows when I'll be able to see them again?

    I'll still swim, as I don't get to do it often since I don't own a pool myself (oh the woes of a poor person, lol). It's also good exercise. Luckily my friend makes healthy grilled meats sooo it won't be as bad for my weight loss. I'll just have to ignore how much better they look. And sometimes they say that they are fat and I want to laugh since there's very little jiggle on most of them unless it's in their bust. I have lots of busty friends with tiny waists and I'm so jealous. I'll be bringing a plate of cookies, just to be nice and they love cookies. I'll have one though. XD

    I had a promising interview for a warehouse job yesterday so I'll find out Monday. Hopefully I get it so I'll have a job where I'm on my feet a lot, making weight loss faster. :)
  • gaiareeves
    gaiareeves Posts: 292 Member
    It's a mindset more than a reality. If you think of yourself as the "fat friend" then that is how you will ALWAYS think of yourself, no matter how much weight you lose, or how other people view you.

    I was once considerably thinner than most of my friends, but because prior to that I'd always been the "fat friend", that's how I still thought of myself, despite the fact I was actually tiny.

    Shake the mindset; I can guarantee you, nobody else is looking at you and thinking "oh there's the fat friend." You've got to love and appreciate yourself.
  • littlesis412
    littlesis412 Posts: 314 Member
    I don't know if this will help in any way but I've (sort of) been on both ends of the spectrum. In high school I was one of the smallest of my friends. And even though several of my friends were overweight, I didn't judge them or think negatively about them. There was a reason we were friends and I loved them the way they were. It sounds like your friends are being sincere and don't look down on you for your weight. And on the other end, since gaining weight, I've realized I've become one of the largest of my friends. So, I understand how you feel self-conscious. I'm always worried people will be rude and say I've let myself go. (Even though it's true.) But I have to just remember if they didn't love me and want me around they wouldn't bother with me at all. I think you're just having a rough time right now. Being unemployed can be very difficult and make us stress about other areas of our lives. Just don't let it become obsessive. Enjoy the time you have with your friends. Let it be a chance to relax and get a way from stress. And good luck on your potential job!

    Edit: I also totally agree with the poster above me. Even when I was dangerously skinny I still thought I was fat. Most of it is in your head.
  • 1shauna1
    1shauna1 Posts: 993 Member
    Yep. I've been the biggest of all my friends for many years. Have also switched careers two times so I make the least money. Things have been difficult but, they can only get better, right? Mind you, it's not my friends who ever say anything about my weight. They often say I look great, thinner, etc. (even when I know I haven't lost any weight lately?!). I always feel and notice it.
  • Erisad
    Erisad Posts: 1,580
    It's a mindset more than a reality. If you think of yourself as the "fat friend" then that is how you will ALWAYS think of yourself, no matter how much weight you lose, or how other people view you.

    I was once considerably thinner than most of my friends, but because prior to that I'd always been the "fat friend", that's how I still thought of myself, despite the fact I was actually tiny.

    Shake the mindset; I can guarantee you, nobody else is looking at you and thinking "oh there's the fat friend." You've got to love and appreciate yourself.

    I guess so. My bf gets so frustrated because he says I'm not fat, even though I'm still 50 pounds overweight. I'm only 5'4" and at 195 pounds. That's unacceptable. Granted I used to be over 250 pounds and I'm happy that I'm making progress. I guess I'm not adjusting to my current body and the body I will have later. It'll take me a while to fully understand that I am not as fat as I used to be (even though I still have that dreaded double chin in photos, uuugh!).
  • Moxie42
    Moxie42 Posts: 1,400 Member
    First of all, kudos to you for not letting your insecurities get the best of you and getting in the way of your friendships! I have missed out on many opportunities with friends because I just felt too fat...pretending I was too busy to go to the beach when really I just didn't want to be surrounded by people in bikinis, etc.

    But what someone else said here was right- your friends aren't going to judge you- I have a close friend who is significantly larger than I am (and I'm quite a bit overweight myself) and I have never once had a negative thought about how she looks. In fact, until I started on MFP, I considered her to be much healthier than me- I was a smoker (not anymore) and she wasn't, and she could run for days (whereas I couldn't run for even a couple minutes).

    It's easier said than done of course but if you just get out there in your bathing suit, the awkwardness will pass. Your friends will still love you and you guys will be so busy catching up and having fun that your insecurities will take a back seat.

    That being said, IF they do say something like "I'm so fat" when they clearly aren't, I think it's okay to speak up. Personally when I've had skinny friends say that, my response is something like "ouch! If you're fat, then what am I?!" Not sure if that's really a good way to handle it but it has worked for me. And who knows- maybe that little reality check will help them appreciate themselves just a little bit more as well.

    And remember- you've already come a long way and you're doing great! It's hard not to compare yourself to others but you have to try to remember where YOU came from as well and recognize your achievements :)
  • Erisad
    Erisad Posts: 1,580
    First of all, kudos to you for not letting your insecurities get the best of you and getting in the way of your friendships! I have missed out on many opportunities with friends because I just felt too fat...pretending I was too busy to go to the beach when really I just didn't want to be surrounded by people in bikinis, etc.

    But what someone else said here was right- your friends aren't going to judge you- I have a close friend who is significantly larger than I am (and I'm quite a bit overweight myself) and I have never once had a negative thought about how she looks. In fact, until I started on MFP, I considered her to be much healthier than me- I was a smoker (not anymore) and she wasn't, and she could run for days (whereas I couldn't run for even a couple minutes).

    It's easier said than done of course but if you just get out there in your bathing suit, the awkwardness will pass. Your friends will still love you and you guys will be so busy catching up and having fun that your insecurities will take a back seat.

    That being said, IF they do say something like "I'm so fat" when they clearly aren't, I think it's okay to speak up. Personally when I've had skinny friends say that, my response is something like "ouch! If you're fat, then what am I?!" Not sure if that's really a good way to handle it but it has worked for me. And who knows- maybe that little reality check will help them appreciate themselves just a little bit more as well.

    And remember- you've already come a long way and you're doing great! It's hard not to compare yourself to others but you have to try to remember where YOU came from as well and recognize your achievements :)

    I find that the "if you're fat than what am I?" approach makes people uncomfortable and it's like you're saying that they don't deserve to be uncomfortable with their bodies just because they're smaller than you. So I kinda just ignore it or just say, "no, you're not!" >.<

    Thanks. I'm pretty much 50% of the way to my first goal so hopefully I get there faster than the first half. I joined the gym to make it go a little faster this time. Hopefully my friend doesn't bring too many of her delicious homemade pastries that make me wanna eat one of each flavor. :P

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