Self-Sabotage, again. How do you conquer it?

don't feel bad, lots of us have days where we regret what we've eaten. I've pigged out all bank holiday and feel horrible today, but it will pass, and today's a new day and we can start over :-)

And I am the same in that it's taking my brain a long time to catch up on my weightloss, again, I'm sure that's very normal

Add me if you like, I'm near London (end of the central line!)

Hi Diva. I'll reply properly later but for now may I just say well done on posting and I am sending you ((Big Hugs)) over the ether!! :flowerforyou:

A few years ago I decided I needed to lose some weight and I lost about 30lbs and just gave up. I was proud of myself for getting where I was, so I just quit dieting because I thought that I was good to go because I was in a better place. Boy, was I wrong. Beginners mistake, I suppose, but needless to say, I gained it all back plus some. I want it gone again so badly, but I'm really having a hard time getting control over myself. I feel like we might be having a similar problem.

Diva, apologies in advance if this isn't quite the type of reply you were looking for. As they say, "it's not you. It’s me" :laugh:

Firstly I think the pattern you describe of getting so far, losing so much and then running out of steam, losing focus and gaining is a very common one. It's taken me 3 serious attempts and various half hearted ones to get to a point where I know this will work for me. When I look back at how I got here and see the process others go through, it's all about getting yourself in the right frame of mind, managing mood driven setbacks and making time in your life for exercise. I thought I gave up when I just got too distracted and busy. But in retrospect it was primarily intolerance of boredom and routine. I had limited options to make it easier e.g. to make exercise more pleasurable as I was doing 3 jobs at the time. What has made a difference are the following: I invested time in motivating myself using an approach I know works, I identified all my self defeating thinking and stayed on top of it, I changed jobs - there are still half the hrs in the day that I need but I have more control so can get out for an hour a day most days to do exercise I enjoy.

Here is the self help book that for me marked the change in attitude that ultimately made the difference: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Weight-Problems-Jeremy-Gauntlett-Gilbert/dp/1845290682/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1339069632&sr=1-6

I have no problems with low mood or low self esteem other than the usual ups and downs, but still negative thinking (which in turn led to poor food and exercise choices) was a significant issue. If I was you I'd start with basic mood management relating to dieting as described above, but in all likelihood given the way you feel about yourself, more targeted help may be needed. Therapy would be best, but if there is no way you can manage it then it really is worth giving self help a try, given the level of insight you have. There is a huge evidence base as to it's effectiveness and if you go to the NHS for help now, they usually have a stepped care approach with guided self help as the first option for most problems/people and one to one therapy if that fails or the problems are more severe from the outset.

I look in the mirror, 40lbs down, in much better shape, and I still see all the things I hate, that will take maybe another 40lbs or more to get rid of - some that may never go away, and I wonder if I will ever achieve a body I like, or ever feel good enough - personally, professionally, or about my weight.

This is the primary problem. Self hatred is toxic. It will sap your motivation. It kicks you when you are down. It may appear to be about weight, but often it does not go away when the weight is lost, it just shifts to something else. Even if the self hatred is only about weight, the feelings of not being good enough sound more pervasive and will have a similar, albeit less toxic effect. You deserve more than this. It's way more important than weight loss. It's your life and happiness. Please give yourself a fair chance and put yourself first so that you can have the life you deserve, that you have worked so hard for. As for your responsibilities to others, it's like they say in all the aeroplane safety talks, attend to yourself first and then others. If people rely on you, that's all the more reason to take care of yourself. I can tell from what I know of you on here that you as a minimum have artistic and musical talent, are very pretty, have a passion for life, are kind and caring. None of that seems to register in your assessment of yourself. That's so unfair!:frown: :flowerforyou:

There is a lot that can be done about addressing this, but it's difficult to know where to start without more information. For now I'll post a link to a site with good evidence based courses which are free. http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm

The self esteem module may be the best place to start, but you may also want to look at the ones on eating problems and low mood, possibly on perfectionism too if the problem of high standards affects many other areas of your life. These should help if you have some flexibility in your thinking styles at the moment.

If the self criticism habit is too hard to break having done these and if it is at the level where shame is a regular mood problem, then a compassion focussed approach is better. This work is best done in person as the emotion is so high it's harder to do alone, especially if there is a sense of threat to making changes which is common. There are some good resources online that describe the approach and I'd certainly have a go, in preference to doing nothing so I'll post a link for this too. http://www.compassionatemind.co.uk/resources/Clinical+patient+handout+April+30+v2.pdf

Good luck Diva :flowerforyou:

You're welcome. Now I've met you I can revise my last post from very pretty to absolutely beautiful :bigsmile: :flowerforyou:

You come across as not only extremely gifted but also as highly motvated, persistent, intelligent and sensitive. Success will come, but only when it is meant... Furthermore, you are deeply caring and feeling stretched emotionally with all that is going on around you. I had a similar problem with an elderly parent that involved all manner of things beyond belief... Fraud, crime, overseas embezlments... Things that were so removed from how I move in the world and are meant to happen only on TV or otherwise shady characters, NOT to feeble old stroke victims who happen to be your beloved father and from people who are part of your very extended family... Then came in the other clowns, lawyers, barristers , bankers and the judicial system.... Still happening by the way...

I developed comfort eating, especially as i am the only child and standing on my own, and like you while I could loose the weight, I would bump it up again when I was near my goal. Unlike you I never put on as much. After my father died, and I am still carrying the can and ongoing legals as there is the big issue of justice and accountability of so called professionals as well... Other crazy events began to occur. Beginning with the timing of my fathers death and from the time of his death. That said I do believe in spirit. Call on it. I humbly accept that I need to go through whatever divine providence has set out for me, however, you CAN ask for strength and enlightenment in what is actually happening and what to do. It does come. This was an amazing revelation to me. Have faith, ask, and start listening to the whispers...

On a more practical level by way of helping myself cope with the weight issue I developed insight enough to realise that the reason I was eating up again just as I was nearing my goal was a deep fear of being left starving and out on the street! I discovered that I believed that I needed a certain amount of fat to survive going hungry or not being able to afford to feed and shelter myself. I felt alone and lonely in my struggle inspite having others around me. It all tied in with always 'priding' myself in the strength of my direction and my capacity. All this changed. I too had to change and accept vulnerability in myself. Things were further complicated my peri menopausal symptoms such as increased anxiety, sleeplessness, predisposition to,depression, forgetfulness etc... I needed to recognise that and educate myself on practical levels. Then began the time to process and adjust the attitude.

Like you, a long term planner, perhaps a bit of a borderline 'control freak', set me up to worry... I could not afford to be like that anymore as it was killing me. I had to develop faith in divine providence on a deeper level and an attitude of not 'why me', but, 'why NOT me!' for both negatives AND positives!! Yes, positives too, as you may never have imagined them, just remain flexible and more open minded. In your case, so what if Mr Right is not there YET!! I have a girlfriend who after two childless marriages adopted twin girls who are absolutely magical. I am beside myself how much love can exist for flesh that is of not your flesh but you make part of you anyway. Something that calls on you. Also you can consider freezing your eggs, though try not to aspire into becoming an Octomom!

Finally on a more philosophical note I always believed that these are unprecedented times of adjustment between men and women and the marriage game. Women are becoming less and less defined by marriage alone. This is to be celbrated, rise to the occassion! Divorce is a symptom of the immature, and uncommitted. On a more spiritual level, I believe that it is a blessing to find someone you love, it is a second blessing that they happen to love you back, and a triple blessing to have children. But these are not the only blessings as they also come with other grievances....