Relationship question

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SUCCESSISMINEIN09
SUCCESSISMINEIN09 Posts: 52
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Does the past matter? Or What he does or does not tell you about the past? I found out that my boyfriend had a girlfriend who passed away in 2006 and he has never shared this with me! I am not sure how I feel about it, or if I should ask him about it. Now that I know a few things added up also. Like this ring he wore forever then took it off and made sure it was in safe place and said the person who gave it to me died. That was my chance but did not want to dig up things he did not want to talk about, his email address and passwords containing 3's they lived together at 3323 3rd street. I guess I just really wonder if he is over her. I mean why would he not tell me. I am a compassionate/understanding person! Help me see this in a different light! Thanks!
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  • daaazeee
    daaazeee Posts: 11
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    My opinion... The past matters when it's related to how he treats you. Hasn't let go of an ex who he continues to have contact with, used to beat up girlfriends, possibly cheating on you.... but even if he hasn't let go of this deceased ex... does it really matter? It's not like he can go back to her. He may not have told you about it because it's painful for him and probably in time, he will tell you when he's ready. (This is all different if you think he's a suspect)... Just Kiddin!!!

    As for the password... Maybe he likes the number 3.... I wouldn't think too much on that.
  • havingitall
    havingitall Posts: 3,728 Member
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    I have to agree on this one. Even if he still carries a torch for her, she is gone and he has chosen to be with you.
  • TheGoblinRoad
    TheGoblinRoad Posts: 835 Member
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    Does the past matter? Or What he does or does not tell you about the past? I found out that my boyfriend had a girlfriend who passed away in 2006 and he has never shared this with me! I am not sure how I feel about it, or if I should ask him about it. Now that I know a few things added up also. Like this ring he wore forever then took it off and made sure it was in safe place and said the person who gave it to me died. That was my chance but did not want to dig up things he did not want to talk about, his email address and passwords containing 3's they lived together at 3323 3rd street. I guess I just really wonder if he is over her. I mean why would he not tell me. I am a compassionate/understanding person! Help me see this in a different light! Thanks!

    If he still cares about her, I don't see this as a bad thing. Love is a human being's greatest gift--and I see value in treasuring people who have been important in the past. I doubt it diminishes love he has for you now.

    I love my wife more than anything and would never want to be with anyone else--I hope we're together another 50 years. But I don't think this means I need to erase old feelings. At the same time, it's easy to misunderstand. Old feelings are old feelings. Perhaps he doesn't tell you more out of respect and love for you, that he doesn't want you to second-guess yourself or him.

    This goes for attractions too. My wife and I both don't care if we are attracted to other people, because we know we love each other. At the same time, out of respect, I'm not going to be talking about a woman I think is beautiful or watching someone when I'm with my wife. Learned something from Aretha Franklin, huh? :)
  • SUCCESSISMINEIN09
    SUCCESSISMINEIN09 Posts: 52
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    Thank you! I completely see your point! I have thought of that my self is not like they can get back together. I guess I am just feeling insecure with my thoughts of....what of if! I know better but I am just so consumed by my thoughts it is starting to drive me crazy! I just hate that I know! Now every time a show is on about death of a girlfriend or the character has her name it gets to me and I am like great now he reminded of her! Then I start thinking is he over her, does he truly love me, etc....It's ok to tell me I am just plain Crazy!!! :noway:
  • SUCCESSISMINEIN09
    SUCCESSISMINEIN09 Posts: 52
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    Thank you! I guess I just realize that and stop being so insecure over this. I think I would feel better if he would just tell me!
  • Wecandothis
    Wecandothis Posts: 1,083 Member
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    He loved her, and that's okay. There is no limit to love. It's not like he's expending love on her that he could be giving to you. Live is not finite. As long as he loves you completely, he can still think fondly of her and remember the love that they shared, but that is now gone.

    He may not speak about her because it's painful to him, and also perhaps he does not want to worry you, or make you feel weird about it.

    I would not ever think that you have to 'live up to her'. Because that would be impossible. You are you, and he's chosen to be with you because he loves you for who you are. You're going to have to make peace with this somehow, and perhaps the best way to do that is to know that if she really loved him, she'd want him to go on with his life and find another love. :-) Know that in your heart, and do not feel as if you were the 'second choice'. You are the choice he's made.
  • SUCCESSISMINEIN09
    SUCCESSISMINEIN09 Posts: 52
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    TheGoblinRoad- Thank you it is good to hear a males point! I see your point!! I glad I finally go this off my chest!!!
  • TheGoblinRoad
    TheGoblinRoad Posts: 835 Member
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    TheGoblinRoad- Thank you it is good to hear a males point! I see your point!! I glad I finally go this off my chest!!!

    No problem. :)
  • SUCCESSISMINEIN09
    SUCCESSISMINEIN09 Posts: 52
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    He loved her, and that's okay. There is no limit to love. It's not like he's expending love on her that he could be giving to you. Live is not finite. As long as he loves you completely, he can still think fondly of her and remember the love that they shared, but that is now gone.

    He may not speak about her because it's painful to him, and also perhaps he does not want to worry you, or make you feel weird about it.

    I would not ever think that you have to 'live up to her'. Because that would be impossible. You are you, and he's chosen to be with you because he loves you for who you are. You're going to have to make peace with this somehow, and perhaps the best way to do that is to know that if she really loved him, she'd want him to go on with his life and find another love. :-) Know that in your heart, and do not feel as if you were the 'second choice'. You are the choice he's made.

    Thank you!! I really appreciate your reply!! I am going to keep everyone's post for when I find my mind wondering again!!! Know that in your heart, and do not feel as if you were the 'second choice'. You are the choice he's made. I think you hit the nail on the head with this one! I find my self wondering if she was still alive would they still be? Then I am like stop worrying over something that had nothing to do with me and realize he is with me regardless.
  • sarahricks
    sarahricks Posts: 90 Member
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    I think she will probably always be a big part in his life. He probably was still very in love with her when she died, so now she can never do anything to make him not love her any more. As far as in your relationship I don't think it matters. He probably doesn't talk about her or her dieing because it might make him cry, and he doesn't want to do that in front of you. My sister died in 2002 and to talk about it to people still makes me cry. It brings up alot of sad memories. I would just let it ride out and when he feels comfortable talking about it (it may be quite awhile) he'll probably bring it up. Good luck.
  • nolachick
    nolachick Posts: 3,278 Member
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    Hmm this is kind of a tough question. There's a lot of factors for you to think about. For me, I would honestly say that I would feel a little bad that he didn't tell me about this. Not out of jealousy or doubt, but out of trust. Like when you are with someone you usually share your thoughts, feelings, fears, etc. (I would share something like that with my bf if it was the other way around. ) but like someone else said, it might still hurt him to think about it, or he doesn't want to bring it up and have it interfere with your new relationship. I guess the most important question here is do you feel like he is giving you his all in the relationship or do you feel like he's holding back. cuz if he is holding back, he may not be over her/losing her and he may not give ur relationship 100%. Did that make sense? Also how long have you guys been together? If you recently started dating he might not feel he's ready to open up about something like that yet.
  • nolachick
    nolachick Posts: 3,278 Member
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    I think she will probably always be a big part in his life. He probably was still very in love with her when she died, so now she can never do anything to make him not love her any more. As far as in your relationship I don't think it matters. He probably doesn't talk about her or her dieing because it might make him cry, and he doesn't want to do that in front of you. My sister died in 2002 and to talk about it to people still makes me cry. It brings up alot of sad memories. I would just let it ride out and when he feels comfortable talking about it (it may be quite awhile) he'll probably bring it up. Good luck.

    Sorry for your loss. :flowerforyou:
  • SUCCESSISMINEIN09
    SUCCESSISMINEIN09 Posts: 52
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    I think she will probably always be a big part in his life. He probably was still very in love with her when she died, so now she can never do anything to make him not love her any more. As far as in your relationship I don't think it matters. He probably doesn't talk about her or her dieing because it might make him cry, and he doesn't want to do that in front of you. My sister died in 2002 and to talk about it to people still makes me cry. It brings up alot of sad memories. I would just let it ride out and when he feels comfortable talking about it (it may be quite awhile) he'll probably bring it up. Good luck.

    Thank you! I am sorry for your loss!
  • SUCCESSISMINEIN09
    SUCCESSISMINEIN09 Posts: 52
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    Hmm this is kind of a tough question. There's a lot of factors for you to think about. For me, I would honestly say that I would feel a little bad that he didn't tell me about this. Not out of jealousy or doubt, but out of trust. Like when you are with someone you usually share your thoughts, feelings, fears, etc. (I would share something like that with my bf if it was the other way around. ) but like someone else said, it might still hurt him to think about it, or he doesn't want to bring it up and have it interfere with your new relationship. I guess the most important question here is do you feel like he is giving you his all in the relationship or do you feel like he's holding back. cuz if he is holding back, he may not be over her/losing her and he may not give ur relationship 100%. Did that make sense? Also how long have you guys been together? If you recently started dating he might not feel he's ready to open up about something like that yet.

    That is it also like I tell you everything! I realize men are different but I think why would he not share this. We are not just "dating" we are buying a house together and every thing. I do feel like he is giving his all, yes you complete sense. If were just dating I could understand him not telling me.
  • iplayoutside19
    iplayoutside19 Posts: 2,304 Member
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    I've never been through anything like that.

    However, because of a past relationship I'm a "Check your baggage at the door" Type Person. From that perspective maybe he hasn't brought it up to you, because in his mind it's not something you need to be dealing with right now.

    If he's serious he'll bring his baggage in and let you look at, at some point, when he's ready.
  • SUCCESSISMINEIN09
    SUCCESSISMINEIN09 Posts: 52
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    I've never been through anything like that.

    However, because of a past relationship I'm a "Check your baggage at the door" Type Person. From that perspective maybe he hasn't brought it up to you, because in his mind it's not something you need to be dealing with right now.

    If he's serious he'll bring his baggage in and let you look at, at some point, when he's ready.

    Thank you!!! This one made me giggle! You all are completely right!!
  • TheGoblinRoad
    TheGoblinRoad Posts: 835 Member
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    I've never been through anything like that.

    However, because of a past relationship I'm a "Check your baggage at the door" Type Person. From that perspective maybe he hasn't brought it up to you, because in his mind it's not something you need to be dealing with right now.

    If he's serious he'll bring his baggage in and let you look at, at some point, when he's ready.

    Just don't charge him a baggage fee of $15.

    :)
  • nolachick
    nolachick Posts: 3,278 Member
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    wow buying a house together, umm that's pretty serious!
    In that case, I'm usually a very upfront person, and sometimes impulsive, lol but what I have learnt is to just be honest and ask when it's the right time. Something along the lines of "You don't have to talk about it if you're not comfortable or ready, but I know/found out that _____ and just wondering how come you never brought it up before".
    Don't just spring this on him but maybe one day you guys are out on a walk, or sitting down talking about life, sharing stories, etc. you know like when you are both being open and sharing....I would slip it in there in a non chalant way. Men DON'T respond well to "we need to talk", they feel pressured, and cornered and they close up.

    That's just my opinion on what I would do in a relationship that was already so far along. I definately don't think it's a big issue, obvioulsy he loves you and is serious about u, but as a woman, we tend to want to know everything. lol.
  • 1Sweets
    1Sweets Posts: 395
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    Everyone has pretty much said what I would...also remember guys think differently then us women ...we want to "talk" about things & work them out. Guys don't. period.

    I still don't know my husband & I've known him for 27 years....That's what I still love about him...there is always something new to discover. Guys like to BS with their friends...Woman hug & talk. That's just the way we're wired.

    I'm sure he loves you very much & with time he will be more open about it. My husband lost a friend scuba diving when he was 18 & was the one choosen to tell the parents...OMG Death is a big deal & not knowing all the details he's probably is still working thru it himself. Be patient & go on with your relationship. If you dig it up too much he may get irritated & glorify her more.

    He has chosen you & that is Special. Enjoy your time together & make your memories with him. I know you can't compete with her & you shouldn't try. Just be yourself & everything will be fine.:heart:
  • SUCCESSISMINEIN09
    SUCCESSISMINEIN09 Posts: 52
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    wow buying a house together, umm that's pretty serious!
    In that case, I'm usually a very upfront person, and sometimes impulsive, lol but what I have learnt is to just be honest and ask when it's the right time. Something along the lines of "You don't have to talk about it if you're not comfortable or ready, but I know/found out that _____ and just wondering how come you never brought it up before".
    Don't just spring this on him but maybe one day you guys are out on a walk, or sitting down talking about life, sharing stories, etc. you know like when you are both being open and sharing....I would slip it in there in a non chalant way. Men DON'T respond well to "we need to talk", they feel pressured, and cornered and they close up.

    That's just my opinion on what I would do in a relationship that was already so far along. I definately don't think it's a big issue, obvioulsy he loves you and is serious about u, but as a woman, we tend to want to know everything. lol.

    I am also very direct and to the point but I know this a sensitive topic. I know what you mean I have asked about other things with the "need to talk" and it was like WW II! So this time I am trying a different approach. I see what you saying I just wish I would have jumped on it when I had the opening! I will soak in all the great advice and wait it out a lil bit and wait the most "right" time.
    Thanks so much!!!!

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