Dating After Divorce
Replies
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The best advice I can give is to give yourself time to heal.
After mine, the best advice I got was this: Would you give someone a broken gift? No, right? If not, then don't try to give them a broken heart. Let your heart heal before you give it to someone else.
Take some time, whether you think you need it or not. You'll thank yourself in the future.
^^^ I like this advice. I think to each their own...but I'd say definitely take some time to heal yourself and get the concept of "It's just me" in your head before you think about going to "It's me and you"
I'm not divorced, but I am dating someone who was divorced. He was in a 13 year marriage, and I know he didn't even consider dating anyone until after 2 years, and I think I might have been the first real serious relationship at the 4 year mark. We've been together for 3 years and I've loved every moment of it.0 -
Been there. Take it slow. It is easy to get chemistry, but you need to know yourself before you take on another relationship. It is way to easy to get stuck in a rebound.0
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bump0
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Also a similar situation here, my bf and his ex had a lot of problems, they hadn't been in love with each other for a while before they actually decided to seperate so when they finally did, both of them were ready to move on. They seperated in Juily of 2009, We started dating in Nov 2009, moved in together in Feb 2010. We had planned to move in together in May 2010 when my lease was up but due to financial reasons, ended up doing it sooner. We are still together, 3 years in Nov. BUT I wish we had take more time to just date. When you move in with someone, as i'm sure you know, it's a serious step in your relationship, you're not just casually dating anymore. At least, thats how it worked for me. So even tho I am one of the few who moved quickly in a relationship and it has lasted, I wish we had waited a bit longer to live together and just enjoyed dating. best of luck!0
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I want to add my own question here... The husband and I have "officially" decided we are separated a month ago. However, I haven't lived with him since June 2011 (he's away as a contractor).
So far things have been VERY unemotional for me. We are filing for a mutual divorce next week and have separated all assets out-of-court. Thus, there will be no court battles about anything. We also do not have any children.
Now the problem. I've been hanging out with a friend. We've known each other for a while, but somehow we havedeveloped a "chemistry" over the last couple of months which is undeniable, as in a friend asking me the other day after a night out with a bunch of people "ehm...do you guys have something going on?" to which the answer is currenlty "no". We've discussed it, but he is afraid of being the rebound guy (I know he's been the rebound guy before and it did not end well for him).
I guess my question is... should I give him time? Or is he not worth my time?0 -
No no no!!!
I got sep/ div mid-late last year. I started dating someone while seperated (we were heading towards divorce) and it was nothing but a rebound. We had "chemistry", etc etc, he treated me well most of the time and even though my marriage had been dead for a couple of years by then, I still needed to heal.
You're jumping from one serious thing to another. There is SO much that goes with a divorce. So much. Even if you were completely unhappy, it was over, ya'll barely talked, etc... People make the mistake and think that just because they're not broken hearted (I was NOT) when it's over, that they're healed. This is false.
I purposely set out to be alone for a while after that rebound. I focused on myself. I overcame the fear of being alone, lonely, bored. It was great!! I'd date here and then.. and I'd pull back if I still felt not ready.
There are SO many fish in the sea!!! Take the time to get to know YOU before you make another mistake. I'm not saying your gf is but you need to learn about what you want/ need in a future spouse/ gf BEFORE you have the gf.
I'm now in my 1st real relationship after my divorce. I'm still learning as I go. Issues still arise from the past that I have to work on by MYSELF because it's not my bfs job to fix it for me. It's tough.
Take the time to enjoy yourself. Take the time to love on yourself. Take the time to learn you.
Though you might not consider yourself "broken", to a certain extent you are. Nobody gets married thinking they're going to end up in a divorce.
Broken attracts broken.0 -
My story was similar to yours. Married 10 years, Decided to leave in July 2010, Moved out August 2010 and started seriously dating someone in September 2010. Ashley and I are still together, but we still live separately. There was no way either one of us would have been ready to move in together after we just met and both were still going through divorce. I lived in my apartment and she had her own house. That allowed both of us to find ourselves as we worked through the aftermath of our divorces. We both have young kids, so that complicates the issues, but the overall point is: Live on your own, find yourself, then take time to work through the baggage that comes with a divorce after a long marriage. (Ashley and I are STILL working on that!).
I will marry Ashley (5 years from now if she is reading this! :P, sorry inside joke), but the time we spent finding ourselves again was well worth it.0 -
Interesting topic but one that needs talking seriously about. I agree in the taking it slow part. After separating you SERIOUSLY need to find yourself again. There is time between separating and finalising divorce but both things are huge emotional drainers and do need their own time for all thoughts to come out and get dealt with. You need to deal with all thoughts that keep going around in your head so you can EFF off the ones you dont need to waste time on and ones you do need to spend time contemplating their reasons for being there in the first place.
Find out what it is you want and what it truly is you need now and for your near future. Its been 'us' as the couple part recently prior to divorce, so now its just 'me', you need time to find out what that 'me' part wants to do prior to going back into another 'us' situation. You need to re-assess things so it doesn't just end up as the bounce back relationship. One you run into.
On the other hand, you cant ignore true gut feelings of 'clicking' with someone because when you first separate you often go towards negative thoughts of "I'll never find love again". You also have the benefits of things being better financially with having two people live together. There are serious positives and negatives to consider. Of all things, you can think also that you have the ability to survive when 'things' dont work out. You've made it so far. break ups are hard. Take this op to get a small place of your own and find 'you' again hey, if thats what you find you really need right now. You get to date, you get to go out, you get to sleep over each others places but then you also have that ultimate freedom and escape when needed of coming home to YOUR place. Think it over.
Go with your gut as your mind will fight with you over this. Best thing to do over the next few weeks is to write your thoughts down and see what list they go to. Is it a 'left side of the brain' thought being logical and mindful over your thoughts and decisions. Left side thinkers are often dog lovers, good at maths (Google it, its facinating stuff!) or is the 'right side of the brain' taking over emotionally, the feeling, creative, dreamer side. Right now I reackon you are being in a tug of war between both and this needs to get sorted out prior to making 'BIG' decisions like living with someone new. They each have their place mate, so dont ignore those thoughts that come to mind. Look it up and see whats driving your thought processors. Writing them down not only gets them 'out' of your head for some peace but also gives you the opportunity to re-read later and think things over.
Of all things. Best of luck. I think its awesome you are in a position like this where you are able to take control and reassess your goals and aims in life hey. Just think, of all things, this is the time for YOU! I am so sure my husband would be thinking the same things!! I dont know where I sit right now, but thats just another thing all while approaching our 15 year anniversary :huh: Thats life hey
I do know, I need to think about me and what it is I want right now, we have kids, we have responsibilities, so to assess these fairly, they are being written down, talked about and taken 'out' of my head.
Here for a chat, vent, unwind anytime you need. Thats the counsellor in me! I just spend too much time assessing myself thats all. And I tell ya, it doesn't bloody help other than create bigger tug of wars!!!! GGGrrrrrrrr
Cheers :drinker:
Lou
I love this post!! I'm on my 3rd year of being separated after a long and difficult marriage from 1989 to the end of 2009. It ended abruptly and neither one of us saw it coming. His temper just flew off way beyond what either one of us had ever imagined. Now that it's over though, deep down i'm really happy and relieved but am left with all this crap clouding up my head. The relationship was emotionally and psychologically abusive from the beginning and it never got better. I've thought about a lot of stuff and have come to a lot of conclusions. 20 years is a lot of crap to be going over and is taking me sooooo long to sift through it to decipher where I went wrong and how I can work on my own issues. I've also come to the conclusion that his issues are not going to be fixable in the next 20 or so years and that's even being optimistic. I am in absolutely no rush to move on. Am completely enjoying the solitude and lack of emotional and psychological junk in my life. I can't even fathom the idea of having a relationship with anyone never mind a future mate. I've been living on my own for 3 years now and loving it. Can't even imagine enduring that cramped up feeling of having someone close to me again. But I know that's mostly the result of being "possessed and owned" by my ex. I know those feelings will go away eventually...at least I hope. I definately believe in taking your time to fix whatever needs to be fixed before opening yourself up to someone else on a full time basis. It's only fair I think. :drinker:0 -
Great responses everybody. How about this? How many of you ended up with somebody somewhat significantly older or younger, say minimum of 10 year difference in age?0
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The guy I'm into is 15 years older... and THAT is part of the attraction. Maturity is definately an issue with the ex...
But he doesn't look it
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My suggestion to you would be to get your apartment, have your own space, and get to know yourself again. :-)
I agree with this advice.
I was married for 5 years but I was living with my ex for 5 years before we got married. Things didn't work out and we got divorced. I moved out into my own apt and due to some struggles financially I really couldn't date or go out for about 8 months. So it was me and my 2 dogs and a LOT of time to think about everything. After a few months of angry and "why" I started to focus on ME and what I wanted in life and what I needed to work on personally.
I did finally start dating and afer a few different dates I got a steady GF but that lasted for 3 months (again long story) but what I learned is from all my time alone I was able to define what I am looking for in my next relationship and after dating my last GF for a few months I realized she wasn't the one for me. Without the time alone to process everything I am not sure I would have been able to break off that relationship and I might have got stuck in a relationship that I didn't really want or like.
Just my 2 cents0 -
My suggestion to you would be to get your apartment, have your own space, and get to know yourself again. :-)
Most helpful advice b/c I'm living it right now especially if things don't work out....0 -
My suggestion to you would be to get your apartment, have your own space, and get to know yourself again. :-)0
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On the other hand I am attracted to somebody else too but my current GF and I have such great chemistry I'd hate to give it up on a whim.
^^^^^ This right here proves that you need to take some time to yourself....get your divorce If you want it and chill out for a minute doing YOU....0 -
My suggestion to you would be to get your apartment, have your own space, and get to know yourself again. :-)
Another good friend of mine has said that too. I am living on my own right now and am planning on getting my own place. I just sense that she's thinking about us moving in together.
Take your time man and enjoy your own life and space before you start living with someone again.0 -
The folks who said you need to move out and have your own place for a while are right.
I'm not divorced, but I know enough people that have gone into relationships while still separated, and then move in quickly after, to know it's usually a ****storm. You need to stay single for a while. That doesn't mean don't date women... just don't cohabitate or commit too easily. Be very picky on who you commit to.0 -
I'm on my 3rd year of being separated after a long and difficult marriage from 1989 to the end of 2009. It ended abruptly and neither one of us saw it coming. His temper just flew off way beyond what either one of us had ever imagined. Now that it's over though, deep down i'm really happy and relieved but am left with all this crap clouding up my head.
The relationship was emotionally and psychologically abusive from the beginning and it never got better. I've thought about a lot of stuff and have come to a lot of conclusions. 20 years is a lot of crap to be going over and is taking me sooooo long to sift through it to decipher where I went wrong and how I can work on my own issues. I've also come to the conclusion that his issues are not going to be fixable in the next 20 or so years and that's even being optimistic. I am in absolutely no rush to move on. Am completely enjoying the solitude and lack of emotional and psychological junk in my life. I can't even fathom the idea of having a relationship with anyone never mind a future mate. I've been living on my own for 3 years now and loving it. Can't even imagine enduring that cramped up feeling of having someone close to me again. But I know that's mostly the result of being "possessed and owned" by my ex. I know those feelings will go away eventually...at least I hope. I definately believe in taking your time to fix whatever needs to be fixed before opening yourself up to someone else on a full time basis. It's only fair I think.
littlepinkhearts
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To LittlepinkHearts & the OP:
Wow, LittlePink, were you living MY life??? lol..............I was married longer than you.......for about 25 yrs (actually more like 28, cuz I moved out but we were still married). He was a lunatic - still is. I divorced him 7 yrs ago, and have lived on my own for longer than that..............But that's not what this is about.
To the OP: DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT rush into ANYTHING! You need time to figure things out.........to analyze and criticize and do all of those other "izes" that need to be done. The GLOW of what you're feeling now is just that......a glow. You've probably been unhappy in your marriage, and now along comes someone who makes you feel GOOD! It's amazing, you're loving life again, and it seems like the worst is over.
But you have a lot to go through yet - and you need time to just be quiet. Time to just think. Time to just BE..................I do believe it's extremely important to give YOURSELF that time. Don't think of anyone but you.
And the fact of the dual gals who you're attracted to? RED FLAG, RED FLAG.! Have fun. Play the field. BUT DON'T jump into anything too serious, too fast.
I have chosen to be alone. I like alone...........it's healthy and good and peaceful. My marriage was a mess - almost from the get-go. I was "owned". I was manipulated and emotionally wrecked ........... and I felt like that was NORMAL! Getting out was the best thing I could have ever done - because now I see. Now I know. And I like my life, myself, all of that cool stuff.
I've had male friends. I've considered relationships again.........but I keep going back to the peace and quiet and joy I have WITHOUT the complication of someone else. Maybe that day will come for me - when that wonderful person will walk into my life, and I'll fall in love again, and be with someone. But for today? I'm happy.0 -
Wow, thanks for all the continued responses. It's interesting in that we're all quite different but the most basic issues with our relationships are similar.
One person mentioned above that they started dating a month or two before they were actually separated and that was basically the case with me, our marriage was on borrowed time and neither of us really wanted to admit it. It's also interesting how somebody pointed out basically learning "things" over again and that's so true. With my GF now I'll do or say something and then wait for her to get pissed or blow-up and she's pretty cool and chill. We are actually able to have rationale conversations with each other, it's pretty cool actually.
So far I'm still planning on having my own place, at least for a few more months. My place gets so depressing because I let her take virtually everything. I could buy new stuff but with the possibility of moving in with somebody I'd hate to spend that money.0 -
Wow, thanks for all the continued responses. It's interesting in that we're all quite different but the most basic issues with our relationships are similar.
One person mentioned above that they started dating a month or two before they were actually separated and that was basically the case with me, our marriage was on borrowed time and neither of us really wanted to admit it. It's also interesting how somebody pointed out basically learning "things" over again and that's so true. With my GF now I'll do or say something and then wait for her to get pissed or blow-up and she's pretty cool and chill. We are actually able to have rationale conversations with each other, it's pretty cool actually.
So far I'm still planning on having my own place, at least for a few more months. My place gets so depressing because I let her take virtually everything. I could buy new stuff but with the possibility of moving in with somebody I'd hate to spend that money.
I undertand that point of view...Iet my ex take everything becuase she had three kids and then it turned out she pushed the kids back to their dad and so she has all my cool stuff in her apt
So my apartment is kinda bare right now as well but I have bought a few things but for me I know that I am not going to be moving in with anyone for a little bit however I still haven't bought bedroom furniture...I have a bed in that room and two rubbermade night stands LOL0 -
Interesting topic but one that needs talking seriously about. I agree in the taking it slow part. After separating you SERIOUSLY need to find yourself again. There is time between separating and finalising divorce but both things are huge emotional drainers and do need their own time for all thoughts to come out and get dealt with. You need to deal with all thoughts that keep going around in your head so you can EFF off the ones you dont need to waste time on and ones you do need to spend time contemplating their reasons for being there in the first place.
Find out what it is you want and what it truly is you need now and for your near future. Its been 'us' as the couple part recently prior to divorce, so now its just 'me', you need time to find out what that 'me' part wants to do prior to going back into another 'us' situation. You need to re-assess things so it doesn't just end up as the bounce back relationship. One you run into.
On the other hand, you cant ignore true gut feelings of 'clicking' with someone because when you first separate you often go towards negative thoughts of "I'll never find love again". You also have the benefits of things being better financially with having two people live together. There are serious positives and negatives to consider. Of all things, you can think also that you have the ability to survive when 'things' dont work out. You've made it so far. break ups are hard. Take this op to get a small place of your own and find 'you' again hey, if thats what you find you really need right now. You get to date, you get to go out, you get to sleep over each others places but then you also have that ultimate freedom and escape when needed of coming home to YOUR place. Think it over.
Go with your gut as your mind will fight with you over this. Best thing to do over the next few weeks is to write your thoughts down and see what list they go to. Is it a 'left side of the brain' thought being logical and mindful over your thoughts and decisions. Left side thinkers are often dog lovers, good at maths (Google it, its facinating stuff!) or is the 'right side of the brain' taking over emotionally, the feeling, creative, dreamer side. Right now I reackon you are being in a tug of war between both and this needs to get sorted out prior to making 'BIG' decisions like living with someone new. They each have their place mate, so dont ignore those thoughts that come to mind. Look it up and see whats driving your thought processors. Writing them down not only gets them 'out' of your head for some peace but also gives you the opportunity to re-read later and think things over.
Of all things. Best of luck. I think its awesome you are in a position like this where you are able to take control and reassess your goals and aims in life hey. Just think, of all things, this is the time for YOU! I am so sure my husband would be thinking the same things!! I dont know where I sit right now, but thats just another thing all while approaching our 15 year anniversary :huh: Thats life hey I do know, I need to think about me and what it is I want right now, we have kids, we have responsibilities, so to assess these fairly, they are being written down, talked about and taken 'out' of my head.
Here for a chat, vent, unwind anytime you need. Thats the counsellor in me! I just spend too much time assessing myself thats all. And I tell ya, it doesn't bloody help other than create bigger tug of wars!!!! GGGrrrrrrrr
Cheers :drinker:
Lou
I love this post!! I'm on my 3rd year of being separated after a long and difficult marriage from 1989 to the end of 2009. It ended abruptly and neither one of us saw it coming. His temper just flew off way beyond what either one of us had ever imagined. Now that it's over though, deep down i'm really happy and relieved but am left with all this crap clouding up my head. The relationship was emotionally and psychologically abusive from the beginning and it never got better. I've thought about a lot of stuff and have come to a lot of conclusions. 20 years is a lot of crap to be going over and is taking me sooooo long to sift through it to decipher where I went wrong and how I can work on my own issues. I've also come to the conclusion that his issues are not going to be fixable in the next 20 or so years and that's even being optimistic. I am in absolutely no rush to move on. Am completely enjoying the solitude and lack of emotional and psychological junk in my life. I can't even fathom the idea of having a relationship with anyone never mind a future mate. I've been living on my own for 3 years now and loving it. Can't even imagine enduring that cramped up feeling of having someone close to me again. But I know that's mostly the result of being "possessed and owned" by my ex. I know those feelings will go away eventually...at least I hope. I definately believe in taking your time to fix whatever needs to be fixed before opening yourself up to someone else on a full time basis. It's only fair I think. :drinker:
Could have written the second post. Except it's just been a year.0 -
It sounds like you aren't ready for a LTR, much less living together. If you can't be happy with yourself alone, you aren't ready for it.
Not to mention, in many states if you aren't divorced yet then you'll get yourself into a world of hurt by doing what you're doing. A good divorce lawyer would grind you up.0
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