Worst Eating Day Ever

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graelwyn
graelwyn Posts: 1,340 Member
in Motivation and Support
I seem to be utterly incapable of finding any balance in my life, let alone my diet and exercise regime. I am trying to maintain my weight as it is, and to eat relatively healthy, but allowing some treats. It isn't working. I have tried the have one cheat meal, have one cheat day etc, but I always, always end up, usually close to my TOM or mid cycle, having a massive binge running into 24-48 hours, and usually consisting of a lot of bakery cookies, biscuits, granola bars, shortbread, ice cream and chocolate. It is sometimes as if even when I can almost resist, I will have one cookie, and then suddenly end up eating everything else. I don't keep the stuff in my home, but tend to end up buying it while in the store. And yes, I know, don't buy it, but it seems that is easier said than done, when I am in that sort of a mood.

It is hard to believe, given my current lack of willpower, that I was ever anorexic. It makes me feel utterly ashamed, not to mention I often end up purging just to deal with the feelings of fullness and guilt and the terror of gaining weight. (and I am seeing someone about the bulimic issues). I just feel a need to vent, as I have no- one in rl I can turn to, other than the lady I see every few weeks. My bf doesn't have any understanding of EDs or of the negative feelings you can get associated with food.

I basically gobbled my way through several bags of cookies, about 400g of marshmallow things, about 500g of chocolate eclairs, 2 pints of ben and jerry's ice cream, and to add insult to injury, also had cheesecake and a muffin while out today. What the point was of cycling there and back, I don't know, when I end up stuffing my stupid face.

I am coming to conclude that literally my only option is to ban all sugar from my diet, because I am damned if I can find it in myself to simply have one piece of anything... it seems to trigger some sort of domino effect in me, and I find myself wanting more and more of the same. It just makes me sad that I have to face never being able to have an ice cream, a piece of chocolate, a slice of cake again, because my brain seems to be so all or nothing right now.

I am so angry with myself. I have been here before, a few months ago, but even then it wasn't this bad.
Be grateful if anyone who has been here can add me and offer any support as I feel really awful right now.

Thanks for listening.
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Replies

  • Excellentia
    Excellentia Posts: 182
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    :cry: I'm sorry you had such a bad day, but please don't be so hard on yourself. There is victory to be seen because at least you recognized what triggered you AND you wrote about it which holds you accountable to us, if no one else. :bigsmile:

    Tomorrow is a brand new day and you can overcome this, one step at a time.

    Feel free to add me for support! :flowerforyou:
  • Utahgirl12
    Utahgirl12 Posts: 172 Member
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    Awwww, honey, I feel for you. I have no experience of eating disorders as such, but do know well the feelings of despair and loathing you can get from losing control and binging. It can send you into a cycle thats very hard to get out of. I have no words of wisdom as to what to do, I'm sure someone with far better skills than me will be along with the right things to say. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, and to send you a big hug.

    Lucy x
  • sloojgud
    sloojgud Posts: 15 Member
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    This is a brave posting. I completely understand those times when eating goes completely out of control, especially when I was younger. At one point in my life I seemed to think of nothing but food. I am older now and although have some greedy times I don't feel that food is the most important thing in my life.

    I won't try to offer advice - you are having professional support. But try to stay strong, accept that you won't be strong every day, and good luck.

    Julia
  • BeckysMama
    BeckysMama Posts: 14 Member
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    I think female hormones have a lot to answer for. I know exactly what you mean, I have a few days every month when all i want to eat is junk, and i eat biscuits crisps, chocolate etc in fact all the stuff thats bad for me, but then suddenly the craving goes away and i feel ok again for the rest of the month. I feel very guilty about it, but i know it is driven by hormones, and we all know how erratic they can make us when they are in full swing. I would just say, don't beat yourself up about it, it only makes it worse. just accept that you will have a few days off when it happens, and then work a bit harder in between times to be good. also filling your freezer with frozen yogurt or sorbet, may be less fattening than ice cream, and as far as the sweeties go, buy yourself things when you are 'being good' that are a little more calorie conscious, and put them away in a tin for when the urge strikes. Remember that you are not alone.
  • laurenbausch
    laurenbausch Posts: 146
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    Sending you a big hug...I was also anorexic, so I totally understand. It's a demon I would never wish upon anybody. Even now I sometimes find myself obsessing over weight issues even though it's been 6 years since I was at my lowest. Know that tomorrow is a new day, and I would remove the temptation, pronto! Next time you want sweets, go for a walk or get as far away from that trigger as possible. My biggest temptation is starchy breads and alcohol. Just as the ED consumed your life, these triggers are trying to do the same. Feel free to friend me. I understand exactly what you're going through. Everyday can seem like a huge battle, but we can do this!:wink:
  • BrownEyedSister
    BrownEyedSister Posts: 74 Member
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    And even though you poo-pooed riding your bike, you did get in some exercise. Just start again right now - you don't have to wait for a new day.
  • ls_66
    ls_66 Posts: 395 Member
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    hang in there ... what you ate is done... tomorrow will be a better day
    that's what I tell myself
  • TanyaCurtis
    TanyaCurtis Posts: 630
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    U sound EXACTLY like me! I had to completely cut out sugar from my diet. We are to addicted to it and once we start cannot quit! I do well when I stay away from that junk! U can do it!! I was binging every weekend 3-4 days straight! Just non stop eating, never feeling satisfied! Just a horrible defeating feeling!
  • graelwyn
    graelwyn Posts: 1,340 Member
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    And even though you poo-pooed riding your bike, you did get in some exercise. Just start again right now - you don't have to wait for a new day.

    Yes, it was hard as after eating so much, I feel defeated and as if even attempting to exercise is rendered pointless in the face of so many calories. I know I need to find a focus in my life beyond food, as in truth, it seems to be on my mind constantly, food, how much to eat, what to eat, what I should eat, what I shouldn't eat, how much exercise I should do etc, to the exclusion of all else. I even put off joining groups in case they interfere with my getting exercise, and it has become a really destructive cycle. It is hard to believe I was eating okay until last summer and barely even exercised beyond walking. My quality of life has deteriorated drastically since I decided to check my weight again.
  • stashmaster
    stashmaster Posts: 2
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    Your food issues sound very similar to mine. I have been attending Overeater's Anonymous for two and a half years and it's been the only thing that has helped me to find some semblance of balance and sanity with my eating. Prior to attending, I was either "in control" or "out of control" and was stuck in the dieting/bingeing cycle for 16 years. Since I joined OA, I've stopped dieting but have managed to lose 70 lbs and keep it off thus far. It has also given me a sense of community with others who seem to suffer from the same compulsive eating behaviours that I do. I no longer feel ashamed of my eating - I know that there are many others who have simlar and far worse issues than I have surrounding food and now I just try to do the best that I can in that moment and let go of any guilt or shame before it triggers the cycle once again. Just wanted to share this with you as it has certainly been a huge blessing in my life!
  • graelwyn
    graelwyn Posts: 1,340 Member
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    U sound EXACTLY like me! I had to completely cut out sugar from my diet. We are to addicted to it and once we start cannot quit! I do well when I stay away from that junk! U can do it!! I was binging every weekend 3-4 days straight! Just non stop eating, never feeling satisfied! Just a horrible defeating feeling!

    Yes, I managed a week without it, then I think I allowed myself a treat meal that included dessert, and ended up back on the stuff. Sometimes, I can limit it and keep it very well controlled, then something seems to just trigger a massive craving for more. I had that jar of eclairs sat in my kitchen for a week, and only had 5 each evening, so I managed a week quite well. I didn't buy them, I won them on a tombola and thought given they aren't cookies or chocolate that they were relatively safe.
  • TanyaCurtis
    TanyaCurtis Posts: 630
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    I always have apples and fruit flavoured Greek yogurt laying around. U will need go to foods sitting around in time of need, otherwise u will go straight for the junk! I just tell myself to eat 20 apples if I think I have to, even though I'm craving sugar, that's what seems to help, I usually don't get past 3 apples hahah and the cravinings diminish! Unfortunately I'm having a really hard time today, and last night, but I still haven't gave in to sugar, so I didn't binge yet, just over ate alittle! Still MUCH better (:
  • graelwyn
    graelwyn Posts: 1,340 Member
    Options
    Your food issues sound very similar to mine. I have been attending Overeater's Anonymous for two and a half years and it's been the only thing that has helped me to find some semblance of balance and sanity with my eating. Prior to attending, I was either "in control" or "out of control" and was stuck in the dieting/bingeing cycle for 16 years. Since I joined OA, I've stopped dieting but have managed to lose 70 lbs and keep it off thus far. It has also given me a sense of community with others who seem to suffer from the same compulsive eating behaviours that I do. I no longer feel ashamed of my eating - I know that there are many others who have simlar and far worse issues than I have surrounding food and now I just try to do the best that I can in that moment and let go of any guilt or shame before it triggers the cycle once again. Just wanted to share this with you as it has certainly been a huge blessing in my life!

    I might look into this, as it seems to be a cycle I have gotten myself into of late. I am glad you are doing better now and well done on your weight loss.
  • TanyaCurtis
    TanyaCurtis Posts: 630
    Options
    U sound EXACTLY like me! I had to completely cut out sugar from my diet. We are to addicted to it and once we start cannot quit! I do well when I stay away from that junk! U can do it!! I was binging every weekend 3-4 days straight! Just non stop eating, never feeling satisfied! Just a horrible defeating feeling!

    Yes, I managed a week without it, then I think I allowed myself a treat meal that included dessert, and ended up back on the stuff. Sometimes, I can limit it and keep it very well controlled, then something seems to just trigger a massive craving for more. I had that jar of eclairs sat in my kitchen for a week, and only had 5 each evening, so I managed a week quite well. I didn't buy them, I won them on a tombola and thought given they aren't cookies or chocolate that they were relatively safe.




    That's me to, I could control myself sometimes, but I've come to the point that it's not even worth it because I always end up going on a binging spree sooner then later, and can't get out of it very easily! I seen ur other comment about being totally consumed with food and exercise. I feel the EXACT same!!!! It's terrible, I'm totally obsessed, all I can do all day is think of what I'm going to eat, when I'm going to eat, how many calories, getting my workout in...., just totally mental! It ruins my life. I feel full of anxiety everyday because of it
  • Mandylynns81
    Mandylynns81 Posts: 2 Member
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    Hi there. I do not respond to posts, generally I just read them for some inspiration, but yours caught my attention. I am a therapist who has worked in an Eating Disorder treatment center, and also a woman who has struggled with weight and body image for many years and the “all or nothing mentality” (i.e. complete control over what I consume vs. complete LACK of control.) In treating the girls I worked with I saw many cycle through phases of anorexia, bulimia, and both. I understand the shame involved in transitioning from anorexia to bulimia, the self-loathing and disgust to see yourself go from having impeccable control to feeling like you simply cannot control anything. The reality is, neither of these states are really a place of control, and both are dominated by such fear and shame.
    The goal is to seek balance, right? I am wondering by reading your post, do you need more specialized treatment right now, or at least to be seen more often by your therapist? Are there underlying issues that are not being addressed- emotional issues that are driving the behaviors? As most of us on this site know, it is not really about the food. What else is happening there under the surface? After years of self-assessment and working with others that have suffered with this affliction, I personally have come to find that I overeat when I am depressed, emotional, feeling “empty,” lonely, anxious. The emotions create this “empty pit” feeling that really cannot be filled by food, no matter how hard I try. There is likely a problem that needs to be solved there; and it cannot be solved by total food restriction either. It might need to be addressed in another way; by making some life changes or changing the way you feel about yourself and treat yourself. You deserve happiness !!! and do not need to punish yourself. I hope this is somewhat helpful and I truly wish you the best of luck.
  • Brittonloves
    Brittonloves Posts: 60
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    *Hugs*
    Instead of focusing on the food that you're eating during these binges, I think you should focus on the binges themselves-- and more importantly, the true root causes of them. I don't know if you are open to it, but it sounds like you could benefit from participating in a 12-step fellowship like OA. Some of the groups are very sick and problem-focused, but I've found that the same can be true in all 12-step groups-- yet people are still getting better by taking the steps!! The key is to look for a group made up of people who are SOLUTION-focused, and who refer to the fellowship's literature more frequently than they do their freaking weight watchers points. There is a misconception that OA is a place to go to diet with support, or to lose weight, or to get free therapy. It isn't. It is, in fact, a place where you can be gently guided into finding a solution for obsessive eating patterns-- whether your binges are on carrots or cookies doesn't really matter. It's a place to seek peace amid the chaos, and with the steps find a way to a new life, rather than a new set of "no no foods".
    You said, "My quality of life has deteriorated drastically since I decided to check my weight again." and that breaks my heart because I KNOW that feeling and I know it should be the exact opposite! With some courage to look inward and allow someone who's been where you are and come through the other side to help, I believe you could be saying that in reverse. And I hope you will-- because you deserve better than what you're giving yourself right now. Honest.
  • TanyaCurtis
    TanyaCurtis Posts: 630
    Options
    Hi there. I do not respond to posts, generally I just read them for some inspiration, but yours caught my attention. I am a therapist who has worked in an Eating Disorder treatment center, and also a woman who has struggled with weight and body image for many years and the “all or nothing mentality” (i.e. complete control over what I consume vs. complete LACK of control.) In treating the girls I worked with I saw many cycle through phases of anorexia, bulimia, and both. I understand the shame involved in transitioning from anorexia to bulimia, the self-loathing and disgust to see yourself go from having impeccable control to feeling like you simply cannot control anything. The reality is, neither of these states are really a place of control, and both are dominated by such fear and shame.
    The goal is to seek balance, right? I am wondering by reading your post, do you need more specialized treatment right now, or at least to be seen more often by your therapist? Are there underlying issues that are not being addressed- emotional issues that are driving the behaviors? As most of us on this site know, it is not really about the food. What else is happening there under the surface? After years of self-assessment and working with others that have suffered with this affliction, I personally have come to find that I overeat when I am depressed, emotional, feeling “empty,” lonely, anxious. The emotions create this “empty pit” feeling that really cannot be filled by food, no matter how hard I try. There is likely a problem that needs to be solved there; and it cannot be solved by total food restriction either. It might need to be addressed in another way; by making some life changes or changing the way you feel about yourself and treat yourself. You deserve happiness !!! and do not need to punish yourself. I hope this is somewhat helpful and I truly wish you the best of luck.




    Agree 100% Living for Jesus is the answer. When I totally give my life to him I don't have a problem with food whatsoever. He's the only one that satisfies the sole. Really the only reason were here. It's just hard to live for him and completely give my life to him because of everything the World has to offer. I definitely need to work harder on this
  • graelwyn
    graelwyn Posts: 1,340 Member
    Options
    Hi there. I do not respond to posts, generally I just read them for some inspiration, but yours caught my attention. I am a therapist who has worked in an Eating Disorder treatment center, and also a woman who has struggled with weight and body image for many years and the “all or nothing mentality” (i.e. complete control over what I consume vs. complete LACK of control.) In treating the girls I worked with I saw many cycle through phases of anorexia, bulimia, and both. I understand the shame involved in transitioning from anorexia to bulimia, the self-loathing and disgust to see yourself go from having impeccable control to feeling like you simply cannot control anything. The reality is, neither of these states are really a place of control, and both are dominated by such fear and shame.
    The goal is to seek balance, right? I am wondering by reading your post, do you need more specialized treatment right now, or at least to be seen more often by your therapist? Are there underlying issues that are not being addressed- emotional issues that are driving the behaviors? As most of us on this site know, it is not really about the food. What else is happening there under the surface? After years of self-assessment and working with others that have suffered with this affliction, I personally have come to find that I overeat when I am depressed, emotional, feeling “empty,” lonely, anxious. The emotions create this “empty pit” feeling that really cannot be filled by food, no matter how hard I try. There is likely a problem that needs to be solved there; and it cannot be solved by total food restriction either. It might need to be addressed in another way; by making some life changes or changing the way you feel about yourself and treat yourself. You deserve happiness !!! and do not need to punish yourself. I hope this is somewhat helpful and I truly wish you the best of luck.

    My ED was never really dealt with originally when I was at my most severe, because of other issues, including self harming, and at the time I was at my most severe, I lived in the countryside, and the doctor knew little about anorexia so simply left me to my devices and told my parents I would die. I know it is linked to being sexually abused as a child, at a point I was slightly plump, and was just entering puberty. There is a lot connected to that which has not left me and I tend to avoid even dealing with where I can. I was also told that I turn to EDs and my OCD to avoid experiencing my emotions. I do not work currently, as I am considered unfit to work, and apart from my bf, I don't have any contact in real life with anyone. I don't imagine this is helping me any. I used to have quite in depth interests that kept my mind busy, but lately, I have found it hard to get involved in anything, and so my interest has swung to weight and food again. Relationships also seem to be a trigger for my eating disorder issues. In between relationships, I seem to slip back into being relatively okay. I am guessing this is again connected to the abuse and my emotions. It is very tiring, and at 37, I have seen over half my life slip away with no real achievements, because of these EDs and various other issues. I wish there was a magical solution, such as to simply stop caring about my weight and food.
  • Davis1818
    Davis1818 Posts: 22 Member
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    I too am a sugar addict and all of your comments have been helpful to me today. Thanks.
  • TanyaCurtis
    TanyaCurtis Posts: 630
    Options
    Hi there. I do not respond to posts, generally I just read them for some inspiration, but yours caught my attention. I am a therapist who has worked in an Eating Disorder treatment center, and also a woman who has struggled with weight and body image for many years and the “all or nothing mentality” (i.e. complete control over what I consume vs. complete LACK of control.) In treating the girls I worked with I saw many cycle through phases of anorexia, bulimia, and both. I understand the shame involved in transitioning from anorexia to bulimia, the self-loathing and disgust to see yourself go from having impeccable control to feeling like you simply cannot control anything. The reality is, neither of these states are really a place of control, and both are dominated by such fear and shame.
    The goal is to seek balance, right? I am wondering by reading your post, do you need more specialized treatment right now, or at least to be seen more often by your therapist? Are there underlying issues that are not being addressed- emotional issues that are driving the behaviors? As most of us on this site know, it is not really about the food. What else is happening there under the surface? After years of self-assessment and working with others that have suffered with this affliction, I personally have come to find that I overeat when I am depressed, emotional, feeling “empty,” lonely, anxious. The emotions create this “empty pit” feeling that really cannot be filled by food, no matter how hard I try. There is likely a problem that needs to be solved there; and it cannot be solved by total food restriction either. It might need to be addressed in another way; by making some life changes or changing the way you feel about yourself and treat yourself. You deserve happiness !!! and do not need to punish yourself. I hope this is somewhat helpful and I truly wish you the best of luck.

    My ED was never really dealt with originally when I was at my most severe, because of other issues, including self harming, and at the time I was at my most severe, I lived in the countryside, and the doctor knew little about anorexia so simply left me to my devices and told my parents I would die. I know it is linked to being sexually abused as a child, at a point I was slightly plump, and was just entering puberty. There is a lot connected to that which has not left me and I tend to avoid even dealing with where I can. I was also told that I turn to EDs and my OCD to avoid experiencing my emotions. I do not work currently, as I am considered unfit to work, and apart from my bf, I don't have any contact in real life with anyone. I don't imagine this is helping me any. I used to have quite in depth interests that kept my mind busy, but lately, I have found it hard to get involved in anything, and so my interest has swung to weight and food again. Relationships also seem to be a trigger for my eating disorder issues. In between relationships, I seem to slip back into being relatively okay. I am guessing this is again connected to the abuse and my emotions. It is very tiring, and at 37, I have seen over half my life slip away with no real achievements, because of these EDs and various other issues. I wish there was a magical solution, such as to simply stop caring about my weight and food.
    .


    God is the solution. I struggle with that too. And know ur pain on being sexually abused. I believe the majority of the world deals with that. This world is fallen, everyone has lots of hurts and pain. When people are left to themselves with no real morals or beliefs they tend to do very stupid things and ruin other people's lives! Hang in there, there is answers and relief

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