Porn!

melissam226
melissam226 Posts: 59
in Chit-Chat
First off, I just want to say I have nothing against porn--I watch it when I need to, I have it favorited on my browser, and I know what I like. But I will choose real sex with my extremely hot boyfriend every time over porn.

However, I don't understand why my boyfriend, (whom I live with now for about 4 months and have been with 2 and a half years) is too tired to have sex with me more than 2-3 times a week yet he looks at porn ALL the time. I'm talking an hour or so before I get home, while I'm in the shower, while I'm TEN FREAKING FEET away studying. When he wants it, I never say no and I find myself rejected a few times a week when I try to get a little frisky. I'm 28, he's 30--I do not want to feel like an old married couple yet.

I told him it upsets me that I went on his computer once to help him figure out an issue with his email and his history was filled with porn and he had told me an hour before he wasn't feeling like sex that day. He keeps saying he just likes to look at it and it has nothing to do with me but since we live together now and he's constantly "tired" (note that he's a teacher and off for the summer so there's no reason to be tired now), I feel like it DOES have to do with me.

I don't go snooping but I walked in on him several times looking at porn or he opened up his computer and there it was.

Is the porn just desensitizing him? Is it just like a habit? And why is it that he can say no to me and then watch hot girls with big boobs?

It's getting to the point where it's affecting my self-esteem and I'm thinking about getting breast implants in addition to losing weight to maybe make him want me a little more instead of porn all the time.

Anyway, any dudes out there who can help me out? Any girls dealing with the same thing?
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Replies

  • TitanGM
    TitanGM Posts: 1,161 Member
    You got a serious problem there lol..
  • kittyfrost
    kittyfrost Posts: 54
    Maybe you should really talk to him, like tell him how much it's upsetting you and making you want to change and ask for an honest answer. I'm not really sure otherwise :frown:
  • CharityAngel
    CharityAngel Posts: 111
    My ex had an addiction, and he is still working on getting help for it. It ruined our relationship, to put things in a nutshell.

    What you need to know is that porn has nothing to do with sex. It is addicting. It can be used to stimulate oneself of course, but it is not sex, nor ever will be. Feeding the addiction has nothing to do with whether or not you are attractive, beautiful or sexy. It is just like someone wanting another cigarette.

    You do not need bigger boobs. Perhaps you should read some of the studies done on men who look at porn a lot. They actually lose their sex drive over time and it takes more to get them going. They eventually cannot be with a real woman at all because the fantasy and stimulant becomes as necessary as food to feel normal.

    http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/07/7-warning-signs-you-might-have-a-porn-problem/

    http://sydney.edu.au/news/84.html?newsstoryid=9176

    https://www.facebook.com/PornHarms
  • turningstar
    turningstar Posts: 393 Member
    Well, first...if you want implants, go for it. Just don't surgically alter your body to try and make him more attracted to you. I would definitely talk to him about it. If he is really watching porn all day, he IS probably tired! And he might have some kind of addiction. Talking to him might help you understand his issue more.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    There could be any number of things wrong with him physically and mentally. The thing to remember, though, is this is HIS problem and there is nothing that YOU can do to fix it. He has to want to change. You need to tell him how you feel. As a matter of fact, everything that you shared with us, you need to tell him. If he wants you, then he will want to work through this. Best of luck!:flowerforyou:
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,416 Member
    It's not you. It's him.

    Sounds like an addiction. There is counseling for that.
  • shelbiejo
    shelbiejo Posts: 283 Member
    I'm kinda in the same spot. My boyfriend doesn't watch it while I'm around (that I know of) but every time I get on his computer a million porn sites are suggested to me while I type in what I'm trying to get to. Whenever I say something about it he acts like I have no room to talk for watching it too (on occasion.) And our sex life has totally taken a nose dive over the past few months and it has made me so insecure with myself. I talked to him about it recently and he claims he "doesn't know why" it has slowed down so much....I never thought that it might have to do with him watching porn every night of the week. Good luck girl! Don't feel like you are the only one!
  • monipie
    monipie Posts: 280 Member
    i agree that it sounds like an addiction. i think you should definitely try talking to him about it and maybe you could get him to try and limit the amount of porn maybe or compromise with having sex while both of you watch?
    also, while i think plastic surgery is fantastic. lol. don't get any kind of surgery to please anyone else. if YOU want to- than that's a different story but if it's just to please someone else- not a good idea.
  • Mr_Cape219
    Mr_Cape219 Posts: 1,345 Member
    ok miss, I am gonna link you to something that will change both of your lives

    google:
    reddit.com and search under the subreddit NOFAP.

    It is an addiction that stems its way into several problems in his mind. I know because I was going through the same thing. The trick is <and this is the really really hard part> is to not *kitten* and to stop looking at porn. It's going to drive him crazy when he starts, but after a few weeks of withdrawls, the brain starts to rewire itself. When it fiinshes rewireing itself then it begins curing itself of the addiction.

    Its a two way streak though, you have to support him in his journey (I am sure you will) and communicate with him. Let him know that it is something you want to work out with him and that it would help both of you. Dont attack him and tell him to stop with it, approach him in a helpful way and watch the studies and videos about it found on that subreddit about addiction to porn and how it affects the body. Once he learns about it, he may want to try work it out with you.

    You can always message me with any other questions you have, but its best to check out that subreddit first to get an idea of what it is about.

    I've been thgrough that road before and it was no fun. I'm still going through it, but there is a huge difference in my life (sorry if that is TMI) but it really is an addiction. Once you're snapped out of it, its completely liberating. (And my girlfriend doesnt mind it either). She was really supportive of me and helped me along through it. We've been together for 6 years, she was always there with me helping me out with this since it became a problem recently.

    So to recap:

    Go to www.reddit.com
    Search subreddit: NOFAP
    Check video reports on addiction to porn to get an idea
    Talk to boyfriend and talk to him about what you learned, and show him the video. Watch it together, go through it together.
    Support him from the porn withdrawls that will follow
    Reap benefits after a few weeks of rehabilitation with some crazy bedroom fun.

    reminder: you can message me with any questions you have.

    good luck!
  • BigRich822
    BigRich822 Posts: 681
    I have always wondered how a guy can turn down sex. I am a construction worker who works long hours but still I would never turn down sex.
  • AlmondTheGreat
    AlmondTheGreat Posts: 92
    Maybe your not giving him what he needs? What sort of porn is he looking at? Talk with him some more and say if he's not gonna give you it , then you'll find it else where lol. That might sort the problem.
  • Southernbelle90
    Southernbelle90 Posts: 40
    I had the same issue. My guy was just lazy! It took a lot of encouragement to get him to stop looking at it all of the time. By encouragement I mean lots of outfits (and he got back into shape and got a lot more energy!).
    I would try to talk to him more about it. Maybe he isn't feeling very confident lately? I hope it works out for you!!
  • Southernbelle90
    Southernbelle90 Posts: 40
    and maybe y'all could watch it together? and then go from there.
  • 1lifeliveit1608
    1lifeliveit1608 Posts: 43
    I think if i was in this situation id get my video camera out n make my own porn movie with him
  • Spiritwarrior3000
    Spiritwarrior3000 Posts: 322 Member
    Nice to see people at it. My girlfriend said no sex before marriage and well shes the same age as me and i mean i've dated her for over 3 months ugh! I am so sad lol her friends think i look good but i feel sad this may mean i have to wait years before i have sex with her
  • Sox90716
    Sox90716 Posts: 976 Member
    He has an addiction that he needs to control. If not, he will be consumed by it. Good luck.
  • jaimison711
    jaimison711 Posts: 9 Member
    this is def a male "problem" but i would suggest you try to spice things up! go buy fun lingerie, wear wigs, rent a hotel room, watch with him, and so on. men are very visual and if you give him something "new" to look at it will keep him interested. i think it is what keeps things good with my husband and i. yes he still watches but i dont think its as much as he used to because i try to keep things visually interesting and new for him.
  • tabulator32
    tabulator32 Posts: 701 Member
    That's like eating rice cakes when you can have cheesecake!



    Cut off the damn porn supply and he'll come looking for you.
  • kdeaux1959
    kdeaux1959 Posts: 2,675 Member
    My ex had an addiction, and he is still working on getting help for it. It ruined our relationship, to put things in a nutshell.

    What you need to know is that porn has nothing to do with sex. It is addicting. It can be used to stimulate oneself of course, but it is not sex, nor ever will be. Feeding the addiction has nothing to do with whether or not you are attractive, beautiful or sexy. It is just like someone wanting another cigarette.

    You do not need bigger boobs. Perhaps you should read some of the studies done on men who look at porn a lot. They actually lose their sex drive over time and it takes more to get them going. They eventually cannot be with a real woman at all because the fantasy and stimulant becomes as necessary as food to feel normal.

    http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/07/7-warning-signs-you-might-have-a-porn-problem/

    http://sydney.edu.au/news/84.html?newsstoryid=9176

    https://www.facebook.com/PornHarms

    Excellent Insight! Great post. -- I agree, he needs help... It has nothing to do with YOU...
  • warmachinejt
    warmachinejt Posts: 2,162 Member
    lol to be honest sometimes i watched some just to stimulate my test before working out. It has been proven by science that it does improve performance in exercise but only to watch.
  • bluefox9er
    bluefox9er Posts: 2,917 Member
    dont you just LOVE first world drama.
  • kevinwk
    kevinwk Posts: 77
    Ummm, there's definitely a problem here. If you don't turn down his advances and pretty much are open to sex and he still doesn't take you up on it? That's a problem. It's one thing for us guys to have the visual stimuli, but I would never turn down the real thing. You definitely need to have a talk about it, but not immediately after you catch him or after sex. It has to be at a time where defenses don't have to go right up. Pornography should never get in the way of a real relationship.
  • scaredofcoasters
    scaredofcoasters Posts: 90 Member
    Spiritwarrior: Seriously? 3 months? I've dated for almost 4 years, and while I've done some intimate things with my girlfriend, I haven't had sex. And it was my choice, too. While I do *kitten* from time to time (wow, getting very TMI in this post!), I usually only do it when my body feels it's necessary to do that. Then again, I will admit to being a lot more feminine in my brain, and a lot of times, things like sex and even *kitten* bother me on a physical level. My brain and body don't connect entirely, so there are psychological issues there. But I've seen this all over the place. You have to calm down, get to know each other, and actually have a relationship. 3 months is not enough time to build one.

    As for the OP, it might be an addiction, it might just be a comfort issue. Sometimes people can be self-conscious about sex, whether it's about themselves, or their performance, or especially if their partner is comfortable with them. While you may say you enjoy it, he might not believe it because of his own insecurities, whatever they may be. With either of those options, it requires you two to sit down, even if it requires a sex or relationship therapist, and talk about it. You don't need implants, you don't need to dress sexy or buy anything new, like a toy or lingerie. You have to talk to him about it like an actual person.
  • shady1987dre
    shady1987dre Posts: 186 Member
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Al90C4GhW4
  • shady1987dre
    shady1987dre Posts: 186 Member
    This one is more funny

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgyiM22aUZw
  • shady1987dre
    shady1987dre Posts: 186 Member
    Last funny one

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Iu8JbtSLnk&amp;feature=bf_prev&amp;list=ULf0k--hmwGnE
  • AlayshaJ
    AlayshaJ Posts: 703 Member
    All these people were helpful. Take their advice.

    My advice - He needs a swift kick to the balls and a loooooong and very uncomfortable conversation.
  • AlayshaJ
    AlayshaJ Posts: 703 Member
    lol to be honest sometimes i watched some just to stimulate my test before working out. It has been proven by science that it does improve performance in exercise but only to watch.

    Some how, thats hot. I'm glad I don't know that guys do that before going to the gym/
  • melissam226
    melissam226 Posts: 59
    Thank you, everyone!

    I know he has a problem and I HAVE tried to talk about. He either changes the subject or gets so frustrated and silent it's pointless trying to go on. I've sent him links and tried doing it when his defenses are down and we're just hanging out but it doesn't work. He just won't admit it's an issue.

    And to be fair, we started having more sex after the last big talk. We were going a week sometimes two with him not wanting to and now at least it's only a few days in between.

    I am trying not to be the crazy girlfriend but being rejected when you touch a guy and he turns away with an excuse and you're in lingerie, it builds up until you feel crazy--and yes, to the posters who said to spice things up, I spent a ridic amount of money on sexy bustiers and corsets and thigh highs--they worked a few times but not every time. Plus, I don't want to have to do that every time. I work 40 hours a week and study every day--sometimes a girl just wants to hit it and go to sleep!

    I also tried watching porn with him and we did have sex after but I'm PRETTY sure he looked at porn by himself RIGHT AFTER when I went to sleep. So I'm not sure if that worked or not...

    Hearing you guys though is making me feel less crazy so thank you thank you thank you!

    I'll eventually get those boobs and I'll do it with or without him. And when I do feel fab about myself and my body maybe I won't need him to be as hot for me as he should get but until then, I think I'll try and talk to him about it again. Tonight.

    Wish me luck!

    And PS, I need way more motivating friends so y'all feel free to add me!
  • 152dbs
    152dbs Posts: 116 Member
    not saying anything is ur fault by any means...so dont take it as such (disclaimer complete)....

    send him some pics of u if u dont already. nothing brightens my day like seeing something my wife bought and is now showing me...new bra, panties, 8" heels....whatever. u got to kinda think similiar to him and what "gets" him. sometimes a routine gets boring and then some fantisize about stuff....

    see what the pics do...might kick start him...if not, have a talking with him.


    ....something i told my wife...women want romance, men want sexiness.
    she gets flowers, cards, candy....i gets pics...i win. :)

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