Non supportive spouse/partner
brentdaniels
Posts: 127
How many have a non supportive spouse or partner? Unfortunately I do have one. We have been married for 19 years.
What makes it bad in my case is that she isn't overt about it. It is just a bunch of little things. Things like trying to make me stay in bed when my alarm goes off to go to the gym. She continues to bring ice cream, soda etc. into the house even after I asked her to please not bring that stuff home. She will cook things she knows are not good for us(me), and I end up cooking something different for myself. She will make subtle comments about me being obsessed with this "new health kick I am on." It goes on and on.
A little bit of background on me. This isn't the first time I have attempted to get my life right. In 2003 I lost 120 pounds through diet and exercise-I even completed a half-marathon! After getting tired of fighting the same thing I am fighting now I gave in and stopped working out and went back to eating unhealthy. The result is that I gained 130 pounds and that is where I am as of last week. I know I should not have given in and stayed the course, but I did not and that is history.
The thing is I have tried to include her, not by hounding her or anything like that but by simply asking her if she'd like to go work out with me. She has no interest. I have finally decided that I need to do this for me and if she can't support me then that is unfortunate but I AM doing this and I want her to do it too.
How do you handle a situation like this?
What makes it bad in my case is that she isn't overt about it. It is just a bunch of little things. Things like trying to make me stay in bed when my alarm goes off to go to the gym. She continues to bring ice cream, soda etc. into the house even after I asked her to please not bring that stuff home. She will cook things she knows are not good for us(me), and I end up cooking something different for myself. She will make subtle comments about me being obsessed with this "new health kick I am on." It goes on and on.
A little bit of background on me. This isn't the first time I have attempted to get my life right. In 2003 I lost 120 pounds through diet and exercise-I even completed a half-marathon! After getting tired of fighting the same thing I am fighting now I gave in and stopped working out and went back to eating unhealthy. The result is that I gained 130 pounds and that is where I am as of last week. I know I should not have given in and stayed the course, but I did not and that is history.
The thing is I have tried to include her, not by hounding her or anything like that but by simply asking her if she'd like to go work out with me. She has no interest. I have finally decided that I need to do this for me and if she can't support me then that is unfortunate but I AM doing this and I want her to do it too.
How do you handle a situation like this?
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Replies
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I am sorry you do not have a supportive spouse. I am fortunate in that my husband and daughters are very supportive. My husband has no desire to exercise as much as I do or even eat some of the things I do however he does compliment me in my efforts and weight loss. The thing I do differently is I don't ask my family not to eat foods just because I don't want them in the house. I still buy chips, icecream, etc... My daughters are pretty active and prefer veggies over meat. Do they eat things that aren't healthy for them? Sure they do as they are teenagers. But... they are active and do have jobs so they stay pretty busy. I choose to eat differently. My husband is a meat & potatoes kinda guy; instead of making my self something different I will make a big salad with lots of fresh veggies and banana peppers; I then just eat whatever meat we have with my salad.
Is your wife healthy? Children? Does she have insecurities? If she doesn't want to go to the gym with you would she take a bike ride, a walk, or even kyaking? I suggest little things like taking my grandson to the zoo. I know its not a "get your heart rate up" kinda walk but its still moving and walking and its something we can do for hours at a time so it still burns calories.
Does she feel lonely? Is all your free time spend in the gym? Don't stop your journey; you are doing the right thing for yourself!0 -
I'm not an expert at all but have a bit of experience with this too. My hubby and I have been together for 26 years and he lost almost 100 pounds (and has kept it off). When he first started, I got nervous and felt threatened. Why is he doing this? Is he bored with me?, etc. I wouldn't sabotage his efforts but it was difficult for a while. I'm the type of person that is resistant to change and his changing his lifestyle did impact mine (looking back, for the better).
After 19 years of marriage, perhaps she is nervous about you changing your life, worrying that you'll find someone else and leave her behind? Or that you won't want her anymore? Especially if she feels she can't keep up with the changes? Perhaps she's feeling threatened and wants to keep things status quo (so to speak)? If you think that may be it, you need to communicate openly with her about your feelings for her - reassuring her that they won't change and she has nothing to worry about. Have you talked to her about it and asked her why she doesn't want you to do this? Explain to her that you are not only doing this for yourself but for her too - because you will be around much longer right?
Perhaps you can do things together other than go to the gym. She may not be comfortable in a gym? Or maybe she needs to ease into activity....walking together perhaps. Or healthy cooking classes?
That being said stay true to your goal. If that means cooking your own food, then so be it - be gentle but firm. Hopefully she will see the light eventually and come around.0 -
My spouse is not supportive and after over a year, we've agreed that maybe I'm crazy but I don't care :-) What I'm doing worked so end of story. You can't change people.0
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I'm not an expert at all but have a bit of experience with this too. My hubby and I have been together for 26 years and he lost almost 100 pounds (and has kept it off). When he first started, I got nervous and felt threatened. Why is he doing this? Is he bored with me?, etc. I wouldn't sabotage his efforts but it was difficult for a while. I'm the type of person that is resistant to change and his changing his lifestyle did impact mine (looking back, for the better).
After 19 years of marriage, perhaps she is nervous about you changing your life, worrying that you'll find someone else and leave her behind? Or that you won't want her anymore? Especially if she feels she can't keep up with the changes? Perhaps she's feeling threatened and wants to keep things status quo (so to speak)? If you think that may be it, you need to communicate openly with her about your feelings for her - reassuring her that they won't change and she has nothing to worry about. Have you talked to her about it and asked her why she doesn't want you to do this? Explain to her that you are not only doing this for yourself but for her too - because you will be around much longer right?
Perhaps you can do things together other than go to the gym. She may not be comfortable in a gym? Or maybe she needs to ease into activity....walking together perhaps. Or healthy cooking classes?
That being said stay true to your goal. If that means cooking your own food, then so be it - be gentle but firm. Hopefully she will see the light eventually and come around.
This x100 -
Yes I do...
I sit my guy down and have heart to hearts though followed by some reassurance. He's improving but it has taken a lot of time as well.0 -
stay tough man i have been in the same boat for a long time. has been a constant battle even after losing 50lbs and still going un noticed by my wife. i came to the realization that im in this alone and thats all there is too it so i found this site and have been using my friends on here for the support i need.0
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=/ Just do what you can for yourself.
My fiance is very supportive, but we don't live together and my family is in denial about their bad health. It makes things hard because I have no part in the shopping, no one will let me, and so I basically eat the bad stuff in as small of portions that I can. =/
I had recently lost 20 pounds, to gain 10 back. I know there's quite a difference in our weight loss/gain back... but I can relate to how you feel. =/0 -
Sounds like she has low self esteem and rather that her being happy you want to live healthy, she rather you not. If I were you, I would spite her and follow through on all your goals..... but seriously, why don't you sit her down and tell her whats going on in your mind0
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My husband isn't unsupportive, but he still wants to eat fast food all the time and will only go on walks with me (which I HATE to walk). I'm hoping that now that he's in BMT that I'll be able to run by time I am with him again and that he'll actually want to do it with me.0
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How many have a non supportive spouse or partner? Unfortunately I do have one. We have been married for 19 years.
What makes it bad in my case is that she isn't overt about it. It is just a bunch of little things. Things like trying to make me stay in bed when my alarm goes off to go to the gym. She continues to bring ice cream, soda etc. into the house even after I asked her to please not bring that stuff home. She will cook things she knows are not good for us(me), and I end up cooking something different for myself. She will make subtle comments about me being obsessed with this "new health kick I am on." It goes on and on.
A little bit of background on me. This isn't the first time I have attempted to get my life right. In 2003 I lost 120 pounds through diet and exercise-I even completed a half-marathon! After getting tired of fighting the same thing I am fighting now I gave in and stopped working out and went back to eating unhealthy. The result is that I gained 130 pounds and that is where I am as of last week. I know I should not have given in and stayed the course, but I did not and that is history.
The thing is I have tried to include her, not by hounding her or anything like that but by simply asking her if she'd like to go work out with me. She has no interest. I have finally decided that I need to do this for me and if she can't support me then that is unfortunate but I AM doing this and I want her to do it too.
How do you handle a situation like this?
With how longstanding your relationship is it sounds like she may be worried you will leave her behind. She might not be interested because either she doesn't understand why its such a big deal and important OR she doesn't think she can do it.
The comments may be a reflection of a reaction she may have gotten when she tried to get healthy at some point in her life.0 -
Is your wife healthy? Children? Does she have insecurities? If she doesn't want to go to the gym with you would she take a bike ride, a walk, or even kyaking? I suggest little things like taking my grandson to the zoo. I know its not a "get your heart rate up" kinda walk but its still moving and walking and its something we can do for hours at a time so it still burns calories.
Does she feel lonely? Is all your free time spend in the gym? Don't stop your journey; you are doing the right thing for yourself!
That's the thing she is not healthy. She is on several different medications. I have tried to change my exercise to something she would enjoy but nothing helps. I don't feel like I spend an excessive amount of time at the gym. It is just very frustrating.0 -
Maybe your wife is worried that you're trying to change her or shame her, and she's rebelling by loudly holding firm to her own bad habits.
I don't know what you can do. Nineteen years of marriage seems like too long to consider going separate ways. My wife doesn't necessarily support my diet, but at least she respects me enough to stay out of my way.
If you two still love each other, you might have to compromise a bit by eating with her, and maybe she can use at least a few substitute/light ingredients as her compromise.0 -
I have the same thing going on in my life. My husband is non supportive, and he plans not on loosing any weight. At this point, I really gotta do this for me. I need to feel better about myself and start living my life before its too late.0
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It's a hard one...maybe another male b better answering the Q. But I feel for u. As the woman in the house I hav the majority of control over cooking n groceries. I do remember when my husband lost weight before that I felt threatened by this...was he doing it to impress someone other than me? I was feeling judged and found lacking even though I knew I needed to do something for myself. I look back now n realise that some of it was that my husband n I treat healthy differently... He goes at it all guns blazing and has quick results and mine (once I started doing it for me) was a gentler gradual approach. The way he does it doesn't suit me cos I'd just fall off the wagon...disheartened.
Ive learnt thru my own progress now that some people feel inadequate even if you try your best to not make them feel that way. It also has derailed me in the past but not anymore cos this time it was only about me. But I am learning to hide my zealousness!
If you hav already tried the following forgive me... Offer to cook a meal one night a week to "give her a break".
Once a week, do something with her that you know she enjoys n include in that day a healthy bought lunch and maybe a stroll through a park n hold her hand!
Whenever she does the slightest thing that's positive towards your weight loss say thank you it means alot to me that u've done that.
Women need reassurance EVERYDAY whether they have a weight problem or not that their husband lives them... Compliment her, squeeze her hand, hug her, send her a nice txt from work..and tell her you are doing this cos u want a longer richer life with her.
If this is not how you normally behave in your relationship... Then start and persist! There is a lovely Jewish saying that I can't remember exactly but its something like this..." A mans success is equal to how happy he makes his wife".
Do what u need to do, get to goal and when you do... Continue to reassure her and when she is ready she will want the same for herself. Hope this helps.0 -
My family still eats the way they used to, after all it was me that got sick - diabetes. I still eat a lot of the same foods, but in limited portions. I share healthy foods when I can engage their interest. They do complain when I tell them how many carbs they are eating, while my daughter has started to make some healthier decisions, but my son doesn't want to. But I would not ask them to not buy things just because I can't eat them, even when it means I have to fix myself something else (at least they are also buying what I need). My spouse couldn't care less and eats lots of things he shouldn't, but we have problems other than food anyway.0
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All of the advice is greatly appreciated....I normally would answer one on one but at this point it would take an hour to do it! Thanks.0
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I found this site 40 days ago and it has been a blessing. Every food I eat I login,record in my diary. When my husband wants me to eat something I log in to check the carbs and calories. He said I am getting carried away with this new eating program, and says I am obsessive compulsive to discourage me but I am only determined harder to get my health restored for my sake not anyone else's.0
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My partner has a sweet tooth from hell and is always bringing home cakes and cookies and candy for us to share.
Not to mention he likes to go out to eat, so we're always in restaurants where the healthy options are usually slim and bland to boot.
I don't think he does it intentionally, and he's always willing to pick me up healthy stuff from the grocery when he's there....it's just he's on a whole different diet from me and isn't going to be eating healthy any time soon. So he sees no harm in bringing it home because, honestly, nobody is FORCING me to eat the stuff.
I think it's all about sucking it up and accepting that you're both living two different lifestyles. Brace yourself for all the yummy treats that are going to surface around your home and remind yourself that you have a bigger goal in mind than a few minutes with a bag of potato chips.
Works for me....most of the time. 0 -
Is your wife healthy? Children? Does she have insecurities? If she doesn't want to go to the gym with you would she take a bike ride, a walk, or even kyaking? I suggest little things like taking my grandson to the zoo. I know its not a "get your heart rate up" kinda walk but its still moving and walking and its something we can do for hours at a time so it still burns calories.
Does she feel lonely? Is all your free time spend in the gym? Don't stop your journey; you are doing the right thing for yourself!
That's the thing she is not healthy. She is on several different medications. I have tried to change my exercise to something she would enjoy but nothing helps. I don't feel like I spend an excessive amount of time at the gym. It is just very frustrating.
There's an old saying that is quite true..."Misery loves company". There are several ways to handle this. The best way I feel is to keep working towards your goal. Yes, she will throw up obstacles, yes she will not buy good food for you...it is up to you to keep being the better person, the stronger person. It is a battle of wills....her trying to outlast you, and you trying to outlast her, but to what end? She is insecure, her feelings if she would reveal them are that, if you get in better shape, are healthy, have a more outgoing personality, enjoy outdoor activities, all of these things, you can do without her, and if you can do them without her, why do you need her around? It is your job, to offer reassurance at every opportunity, to find ways to get her active. Maybe you need to drive her to Zumba, maybe she likes picnics...how about a hike, before the picnic. Be creative, for most people who are overweight, the thought of working out is just simply sweating for no damn reason at all...she has to have a goal, set mini goals.....find out what her triggers are and use them, be manipulative if you have to. You know what you need to do, be steadfast in your actions and she will in-time follow...kicking and screaming maybe.....but she will follow.
If you have to, fight dirty, drag up family members with health problems, use them to your advantage. I did with a friend (I hope he isn't checking the board.) his wife works out with my sometimes, she's lost 50lbs, he hadn't started...i simply told him to let me know what words he wanted me to say at his memorial, and to make sure he had life insurance so that she was not left wanting.....and if he did live into his 70's, that it was pretty F'ed up that she would have to take care of him.....he now is losing weight and hiking daily.
let me add one more thing. My wife must be from Missouri (called the "Show Me State" for any non-Americans), she was looking to lose 10-12lbs, not much by comparison with some of you here, however, she would fight me tooth and nail, i withheld the scale for two weeks, while she worked out and stuck with my plan (i can be a hard task master)...after two weeks she got on the scale, I was praying for a deficit, as it was the only way to keep her on course...she was down 3.5lbs. After that initial loss, i haven't said a word, she's been on her own. She dropped the weight and is stable at 125lbs. She wants to drop another 5lbs....it will be yet another fight on theories and options.0 -
Sometimes people just don't get it. You have to really sit down and have a heart-to-heart. Rehearse this, make your points without blaming or judging her. Just talk very specifically about what you would like her to do and how it makes you feel when she (____) fill in the blank.
Good luck.0 -
This is a hard situation. There is a saying - " You can't change/control what other people do; you can only change/control your response to it." You know that you need to get healthy, and you're ready. So do it.
My husband said he was supportive - but in reality, he was doing a lot of the same things that your wife is doing. At first. He loves to cook, and he is also a stress eater. Before, I would eat everything with him, and match his portion sizes. He shows love and affection through his cooking - and when I started MFP, his feelings were very hurt when I said I didn't care for something that he made. One night, after me denying his food, I saw how much it hurt him. It about killed me. I finally had to take his face in my hands and say, " I LOVE YOU! Me not wanting to eat right now IS NOT me rejecting you! I love YOU! I can not eat like this anymore. I have got to get healthy for me, for you, and our kids - because I want to be with you for a long, long time." I then told him how much weight I had gained since we had been married. It really opened up his eyes - I don't think he realized. For us, that conversation made all of the difference. He still stress eats - but does not feel like I am rejecting him if I don't eat with him - and he is doing better about using alternative cooking methods as well. And he is proud of me - he's getting back the girl he married.
If you haven't had that talk with her, it's time. Just because she buys it/brings it/prepares it, doesn't mean you have to eat it. Best of luck to you. :flowerforyou:0 -
The thing is I have tried to include her, not by hounding her or anything like that but by simply asking her if she'd like to go work out with me. She has no interest. I have finally decided that I need to do this for me and if she can't support me then that is unfortunate but I AM doing this and I want her to do it too.
Oops... the last phrase there is an epic fail. After 19 years you probably know better than to say or even think that. We're all subject to wishful thinking, though, eh? Triumph of hope over experience, etc., etc...0 -
I think this is spot on. I think that if my husband had started this health thing or introduced it I would question his motives. Worry that it might lead to infidelity or a loss of interest in me.I would think maybe he was doing it to attract someone else. I might also feel if he was pressuring me to join him that he didn't like the way I looked or that he didn't find me attractive. And I might rebel against the change because I just dont like change. But lucky for us I started this diet and my wonderful husband jumped on board with both feet and we keep each other dedicated. I doubt things would have gone as well if he had started this diet thing first. I know that sounds bad but *shrug*. It's a woman thing I think. I hope she comes around. I think with some reassurance and patience she probably will....or at least be more supportive.I'm not an expert at all but have a bit of experience with this too. My hubby and I have been together for 26 years and he lost almost 100 pounds (and has kept it off). When he first started, I got nervous and felt threatened. Why is he doing this? Is he bored with me?, etc. I wouldn't sabotage his efforts but it was difficult for a while. I'm the type of person that is resistant to change and his changing his lifestyle did impact mine (looking back, for the better).
After 19 years of marriage, perhaps she is nervous about you changing your life, worrying that you'll find someone else and leave her behind? Or that you won't want her anymore? Especially if she feels she can't keep up with the changes? Perhaps she's feeling threatened and wants to keep things status quo (so to speak)? If you think that may be it, you need to communicate openly with her about your feelings for her - reassuring her that they won't change and she has nothing to worry about. Have you talked to her about it and asked her why she doesn't want you to do this? Explain to her that you are not only doing this for yourself but for her too - because you will be around much longer right?
Perhaps you can do things together other than go to the gym. She may not be comfortable in a gym? Or maybe she needs to ease into activity....walking together perhaps. Or healthy cooking classes?
That being said stay true to your goal. If that means cooking your own food, then so be it - be gentle but firm. Hopefully she will see the light eventually and come around.0 -
I posted about this a while back and it got a lot of feedback from people who could relate. I totally feel you. With the unhealthy state our country is in, odds are you're going to be married to one of those people lol. Feel free to add me. 0
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Even if she is insecure she should be supportive of you. My husband motivates me with exercising and everything but he buys junk food which is a temptation but I don't let it bother me. If he wants me to cook him dinner and it's not healthy I just cook something else for me.0
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Three things to add:
1. 50 pounds is a lot of weight to lose. Do friends/family comment on how great you are doing? Maybe she feels like now people look at the two of you and say "wow he looks great" and then think "but she doesn't."
2. Getting healthy is slightly addictive - maybe she feels if you are thinking of it all day long (MFP, Gym, Running, Calories, ect, ect) then there will be no room in your thoughts for her. As a woman I can tell you that women do get jealous of things that take excessive amounts of time from their spouse because that's time that could be spent with them.
3. Is she competitive at all? With me, my husband is very thin and healthy, and part of me didn't want to start getting healthy because he already did that, and its "his." (luckily I got over that, realized it was just one of the number of excuses I was using and got straight.
As far as what to do - I have no clue. Talking about it with her doesn't sound like its going to help. She seems set in her ways. She sounds like she is resentful that you are losing weight - and talking to her might sound like an attack to her. People need to come to healthy decisions on their own (or be pushed if they've already decided in their heart that they want it, which it doesn't sound like she does.)0 -
I agree with what nearly everyone here has responded. You two need to sit down and have a heart to heart.
As far as exercise, is there anything your wife likes/liked doing that you can turn into a joint activity? Make those activities into "date nights" - at least you will be together, and not home sitting on the couch. Go bowling, or take dancing lessons once a week, or with summer coming you could take her to play mini golf. Or you could even go to a local farmers market or flea market and walk around there together.
Start small, keep letting her know how much you love her, and she will eventually come around. She may not become your biggest supporter, but she may get to the point where she will not hinder your progress and even be proud of you.
And, one more thing... When you talk to her, try not to make it sound like "you are sabotaging me, and I don't understand it." Try to focus more on "I really need you to help me with this. I want to be healthy so we can grow old together and enjoy each other for many more years to come." Make her feel like she is important in your process.0 -
Do you dude, do you!
I think you answered your own question in the last sentence when you said that you need to do this for you. My wife is somewhere between neutral and non-supportive. At this point, my thinking is that I can't make her change but I can do what is best for me.
Make yourself number one, no excuses. Dooooooo it!0 -
take her to a Zumba class. Tell her you want to see if it is a good cardio workout, but that you are too embarassed to go alone. If she likes it, go back 2 -3 times. Then encourage her to go without you, (so she'll have her own healthy outside interest)
You working out makes her feel like you have a life outside of your marriage -- one that does not include her. She misses the status quo. And since most married couples spend their together time either eating or sleeping (the rest of the day at work) -- it sounds like she is trying to create intimacy through food.
On days you workout, bring her some coffee on your way home (then it becomes a ritual for both of you). Take over making a meal for both of you -- breakfast, or weekend dinners (it's grilling season). It's a lot easier to feel bonded to a guy who made you dinner, as opposed to a guy who says "I can't eat this" and then goes and makes his own dinner while you sit at the table watching your offered food go cold.0 -
I’m also struggling to deal with a non-supportive spouse. My husband makes snarky comments about my food choices and hovers around the kitchen, either deliberately getting in my way or staring at me while I cook. He'll also get on me for making too much noise when I get up for my morning workout. Meanwhile he sits around on his *kitten*, eating junk food and playing video games. He acts all wounded if I even suggest that he so much as consider picking up a dumbbell or eating a few more vegetables.
Honestly, it would be great if he would find the motivation in himself to get healthy. But if he won’t, I wish he’d just stop with the passive aggressive crap. If I confront him about it, he denies it and tries to turn it back on me. He’s even gone so far as to insinuate that I’m trying to look better because I want to leave him.0
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