Porn!

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  • dhill95
    dhill95 Posts: 1
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    Hey there
    I am an MFT intern and work with individuals and couples who struggle with this issue all the time. Porn is an issue that continues to grow. It is getting to be more of a problem all the time. I work with people who struggle with this. It is not about you or sex; it is about intimacy though. This is not something that breast implants or losing weight will improve.
    Check out http://lifestarnetwork.com/ to see if there are groups near you.
    Good luck.
    David
    www.roubicekandthacker.com
    www.lifestarcentralvalley.com
    www.mypersonal-transformation.com
  • grinch031
    grinch031 Posts: 1,679
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    It requires less work on his part.
  • bm99
    bm99 Posts: 597 Member
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    Sex is a lot of work. It only takes a couple minutes to rub one out. Unless he's taking his sweet time with the porno, I think he's just lazy and probably not addicted. Try being less maintenance sexually if you know what I mean, get on top, skip foreplay, get off quicker (or with less work on his part).
  • HephaestusInTraining
    HephaestusInTraining Posts: 2
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    With so many similar conclusions placing blame on your guy in a manner that seems scornful, can't help but post a few alternative ideas. Please excuse me if I missed anything in your original post or in the thread itself.

    1) Are you certain that all he looks at is girls with big boobs? Is he into something kinkier and uncomfortable sharing with you? Hey, even guys can be shy. I don't buy into the notion that guys will just jump for sex at any moment. Maybe when the relationship is new, but guys are ultimately no different than girls – arouse the brain!

    2) Is he suffering from performance anxiety triggered by stress? It doesn't need to be major, it can just be be routine annoyances from even small things – depends on the person. Or perhaps he's out of shape, which makes him less able to perform, but also very aware that his performance is sub-par to the bar he's set for himself.

    3) Have you been having other problems lately that may unintentionally cause him to be stressed (and therefor not interested) when he's with you. What about foreplay in the bed, did things go poorly many times which lead to him seeking pleasures elsewhere (and led to point #4)

    4) Do you think it's possible that he's just in a routine (both in cycle and action) and not really aware of the consequences on you; rather than the dreaded “addiction” (it could be, but I think labeling it that will make him defensive and probably sends a panic feeling when it's heard).

    5) Maybe the talks aren't as useful to him and they are to you, or perhaps the conversations downplay your need and his part in it. We should all be open to communication (a lot!) but sometimes we can just be all talk and good intentions with no action behind it, which leads me to....!

    6) Preemptive strike his butt! Try to shake it up and be spontaneous. When he's in the room while you are showering and freshened up a bit, leave the water on and sneak out to his room so he doesn't know you've left. When you see him, kiss him near the ear and then without a word – go down on him. Try waking him up in the mornings with a special kiss – if you catch my drift. The point is to try and strengthen the connection of pleasure to you and use that. Don't just let him finish off, make it a tempting game, etc. etc. Obviously, don't make it too one-sided.

    Not ruling out the other commentators ideas, but I wanted to give the guy a fighting chance in case he's not the sexual scallywag this thread is making him sound like. Best of luck!

    P.S. And for what it's worth, I don't think you need to alter your appearance to "fix" things. Beautiful look about you.
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
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    Sex is a lot of work. It only takes a couple minutes to rub one out.

    I agree with this statement. Sometimes, it's very simple.
  • kayemme
    kayemme Posts: 1,782 Member
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    It's getting to the point where it's affecting my self-esteem and I'm thinking about getting breast implants in addition to losing weight to maybe make him want me a little more instead of porn all the time.

    It sounds like maybe your self-esteem is already compromised. There's nothing you can do to "make him want you". But that doesn't mean that he doesn't want you, you know?

    Just talk with him sincerely about your feelings.
  • nas24
    nas24 Posts: 880 Member
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    Someone said porn, so i showed up. Look, i dont have a problem with it. My only thing is, if im home, i can help you out with "that" , and you wont need porn. Hell the fact that he doesn't hide it from you, is a good thing. At least he is honest. My hubby is honest about how much he watches, and we watch it together, most of the time by my request. But my only rule is, if im home, and you "need" something. I'm here, lets do this. lol
  • Skeels
    Skeels Posts: 929 Member
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    I think if i was in this situation id get my video camera out n make my own porn movie with him


    This
  • GasMasterFlash
    GasMasterFlash Posts: 2,206 Member
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    Check his text messages.
  • glowbuggy
    glowbuggy Posts: 50 Member
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    suggest to watch it with him...
  • leomom72
    leomom72 Posts: 1,798 Member
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    i dont have this problem with my hubby, luckily, but i am interested in reading the comments..bump for later..good luck tho:flowerforyou:
  • GasMasterFlash
    GasMasterFlash Posts: 2,206 Member
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    Is that the perv, in your profile pics?
  • Capt_Apollo
    Capt_Apollo Posts: 9,026 Member
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    I bet yelling at him and snooping around his computer helps though. keep doing that.
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
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    Porn is like booze, it's only a problem when it becomes a problem. Some people can handle it, and some can't. (Some women think occasional use is "cheating", which is stupid as calling a person who has one glass of wine a month an alcoholic.)

    However, if you are feeling deprived, and he is turning to it more than you, then to me that indicates it is becoming a problem. It does you no good to blame each other - you both need to own up to your own contributions to it.

    If you're a couple you should rarely, if ever, turn each other down - if you want a relationship to last. I've been going on 20 years and we still go daily.
  • lizzybethclaire
    lizzybethclaire Posts: 849 Member
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    I think if i was in this situation id get my video camera out n make my own porn movie with him


    This

    Wow, really? why do so many guys say this? If you make a porn tape and it falls into the wrong hands what happens then? What about naughty pics? same issue there too. Making porn yourself isn't really going to help if he is already saying no to sex.
  • infamousmk
    infamousmk Posts: 6,033 Member
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    Have you tried doing things to spice up your intimate times? Role playing, dirty talk, dressing up, keeping the lights on (or turning them off!), sexting, cooking in the nude...


    I know I get bored with the same thing over and over and over. I need variety or I need some internet porn.
  • chamilton911
    chamilton911 Posts: 34
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    Whatever you do... do NOT change yourself for him. It ISN'T you because addictions to porn is just like an addiction to anything else. Thats why they have AA type classes for PORN.... you are beautiful and PERFECT the way you are. You start changing yourself for him, you will be MISERABLE! It won't make him want you more. He is addicted to porn..... he will continue to be addicted to porn unless he gets help. Talk to him, lay it all down for him... tell him you don't appreciate it and its making you feel like crap.. and if he doesn't get the help he needs and start putting you above porn, then you will have to start making your own decisions..... YOU always come first girl... don't put up with that!
  • Annette_rose
    Annette_rose Posts: 427 Member
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    My ex had an addiction, and he is still working on getting help for it. It ruined our relationship, to put things in a nutshell.

    What you need to know is that porn has nothing to do with sex. It is addicting. It can be used to stimulate oneself of course, but it is not sex, nor ever will be. Feeding the addiction has nothing to do with whether or not you are attractive, beautiful or sexy. It is just like someone wanting another cigarette.

    You do not need bigger boobs. Perhaps you should read some of the studies done on men who look at porn a lot. They actually lose their sex drive over time and it takes more to get them going. They eventually cannot be with a real woman at all because the fantasy and stimulant becomes as necessary as food to feel normal.

    http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/07/7-warning-signs-you-might-have-a-porn-problem/

    http://sydney.edu.au/news/84.html?newsstoryid=9176

    https://www.facebook.com/PornHarms

    I am with her ^^^ on this. My ex was addicted to porn too. He had gotten counseling for it and said he had gone as far as he could go in it. It was a big problem in his previous marriage also. His was more what he called the "soft porn", Playboy magazine and looking up nude or half clothed women on the internet. Not sure what advice to ever give on this because some men are overly attracted to it, some lightly, and some not at all. And, it is not just a man thing as more women are getting hooked on it too. I mean, if it works for the couple, that is great but it is hard when one wants to look all the time and the other feels kind of rejected.
  • xiala
    xiala Posts: 50
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    He needs to stop. If he doesn't stop, he needs to go.
  • WifeNMama
    WifeNMama Posts: 2,876 Member
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    My ex had an addiction, and he is still working on getting help for it. It ruined our relationship, to put things in a nutshell.

    What you need to know is that porn has nothing to do with sex. It is addicting. It can be used to stimulate oneself of course, but it is not sex, nor ever will be. Feeding the addiction has nothing to do with whether or not you are attractive, beautiful or sexy. It is just like someone wanting another cigarette.

    You do not need bigger boobs. Perhaps you should read some of the studies done on men who look at porn a lot. They actually lose their sex drive over time and it takes more to get them going. They eventually cannot be with a real woman at all because the fantasy and stimulant becomes as necessary as food to feel normal.

    http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/07/7-warning-signs-you-might-have-a-porn-problem/

    http://sydney.edu.au/news/84.html?newsstoryid=9176

    https://www.facebook.com/PornHarms

    Pretty much this. I don't want you to answer more online than you're comfortable with, so just answer this to yourself, does he have problems during sex with you? Premature ejaculation, trouble getting and maintaining an erection, even inability or difficulty with reaching climax are all signs that he may need some professional counselling and basically retrain his body to respond to an actual physical encounter with a woman's body, rather than fantasy and self stimulation. Unfortunately, it can only work if that is the problem, he admits there is a problem, and is willing to seek help, which he could find pretty humiliating.

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