Porn!
Replies
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he only watching or taking care of himself in the process of watching... it would be a huge problem if he would be taking care of self and turning you down because he prefers going solo...0
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You have two different issues here, and you're confusing them.
The first one is that he looks at porn more than you want him to.
The second one is that you're not having sex as often as you want.
They may or may not be related. My guess is that they're not related.
You need to figure out which was is more important to you, and work on that one first. Would you care if he looked at porn as often as he did if he was also having sex as often if you liked? If the answer is yes - then the porn issue bothers you more. If the answer is no, then the sex issue bothers you more.
Focus on the top issue and start from there, but you have to understand that one is likely not related to the other. Therefore, if you focus on the porn issue while trying to fix the sex issue, your boyfriend is likely to get mad and not understand - and you end up not addressing the actual problem.
Low sex drive can happen for a variety of reasons - which will be specific to your boyfriend. He's the only one that can provide you with the answers, but I think recognizing that these are two separate issues will be a good place to start.0 -
Porn. It's What's for Dinner.
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I think if i was in this situation id get my video camera out n make my own porn movie with him
^^^^ I support this idea 100%.0 -
UPDATE:
We had the talk. This is how it went.
He did get defensive at first but I kept telling him I'm not attacking him, I just am a little hurt and are trying to figure out the best way to talk to him about it. He finally opened up and told me that sex gives him anxiety. He blamed it on his ex from like 4 years ago (2 years before we even met) who would try and get pregnant on purpose and demean him in bed.
I had never heard of this before so I was surprised.
So in other words, it goes deeper than a porn addiction. To him porn and occasionally relieving himself is less anxiety-ridden and therefore more appealing. With me, he seems to shut down a little.
We talked for a good hour and I cried and we had to skip dinner with my parents just to kind of process it all.
He kept saying, "I'm trying, I'm trying." And I really think he is.
But to answer some of you....I don't think we focus too much on sex--it's a RELATIONSHIP. 90% of our time together is watching movies, laughing, grocery shopping, figuring out our careers and futures. Sex is SO important and I think if everything else is awesome and that part isn't, it magnifies it ten times. If I had a crappy relationship with him, the bad sex would just be another drop in the ocean.
Also, from what I can tell, his porn is pretty vanilla--as vanilla as porn can be. No midgets, whips, or trannies--just a lot of girl-on-girl (which I've suggested, btw) and occasional party/public stuff. So I don't think that's it.
I've been trying to spontaneous and I've tried to completely back off. I've tried to be more forward, less aggressive, and everything in between. I tried watching it with him (he wasn't interested) and tried sending him porn.
Talking to him DID help. And I think the final decision is that we need to not talk about it for a while and I need to back up a little and let him deal with this. I know this makes him feel less like a man so I assured him that when we do have sex, I'm completely satisfied and he's AWESOME in bed. I also assured him I love him to death, he's my forever, and no matter what I'm still here. And we left it at that, ate a great dinner, watched some tv, and fell asleep cuddling.
Thank you to everyone who responded. Honestly, I needed to hear a lot of what was said so I could approach this better.0 -
Whoa now!!! That's a issue I would have a hard time telling the world about... Not from your end, I mean his.... That stuff is absolutley addicting to some people just as anything else is. Anything that stimulates the body and mind can take complete control over you.
I say first, you need to learn up on the signs and symptoms of this addiction. Then you two need to have a serious heart to heart talk. I don't mean walking up to him in the middle of catching him watching the bow chica wow wow.... I don't know if you have kids at the house or if it's just you two but I would suggest planning on having the house clean and clear when talking about it. You need to give him a bit of a warno tho... Text him or call him after lunch and tell him that you need his undivided attention tonight, or whenver that is....
You need to go in with a lot of knowledge. Need to know all the facts of the addiction, what kinda treatments he can seek etc. I wouldn't be affraid to ask him narrow and pointed questions. He is going to try and evade you of course, but you gotta stand steady. Don't have to be agressive but don't back down because he is brushing you off or getting irritated...
He needs to know how serious it is. How serious it affects you, him, your relationship. I'm not saying give him an ultimatum cause I'm the first on to buck when someone tries to lay down the law... But you have to give him a reason to wake up and realize what it's doing. You have to give him a reason to wanna get help.. otherwise he just stays in denial...
I hope you get through this, it appears that there is a lot of great advice on this post...0 -
Fixed it.Whoa now!!! That's a tissue I would have a hard time telling the world about... Not from your end, I mean his....0 -
I think if i was in this situation id get my video camera out n make my own porn movie with him
This
Wow, really? why do so many guys say this? If you make a porn tape and it falls into the wrong hands what happens then? What about naughty pics? same issue there too. Making porn yourself isn't really going to help if he is already saying no to sex.
If the tape falls in the wrong hands you become RICH for doing nothing but having sex...AKA Kim Kardashin (did I spell that right?)0 -
Don't get breast implants unless you REALLY want them!!!!!
Maybe you need to get more interesting during sex? I mean, fetish stuff. Different locations. Stuff like that.
Also, I
porn.
It looks like you guys have a pretty good relationship, good communication and stuff, so go from there. Make sure he understands how you're feeling
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I think if i was in this situation id get my video camera out n make my own porn movie with him
This! Or make him a video with just you in it. I've done it and my husband uses them when I'm not in the mood or when I'm not home. We only watch porn together now. Give it a try, it might work!
I don't think you should alter your appearance just for him. If you want to do it then make sure it's for you and not for anyone else! Good luck!0 -
First off, I just want to say I have nothing against porn--I watch it when I need to, I have it favorited on my browser, and I know what I like. But I will choose real sex with my extremely hot boyfriend every time over porn.
Yet you admit to doing the same? Men and surprisingly women like porn and have healthy normal relationships all the time.
I remember back in the day, being invite to a "toy party" and thinking, "I don't even have any kids!" Times have changed, people talk about thing they never would have years ago. Sexuality is no longer a taboo conversation. Personally, I have perused porn on occasion and don't really care for it. My husband likes it and I have walked in on him watching it and it usually ends up leading to mind blowing sex. Perks for me I suppose. To each their own, but suggesting that this man has an addiction is stepping over the line, maybe he's just trying to spice things up from white bread sex to something more fun.0 -
First off, I just want to say I have nothing against porn--I watch it when I need to, I have it favorited on my browser, and I know what I like. But I will choose real sex with my extremely hot boyfriend every time over porn.
Yet you admit to doing the same? Men and surprisingly women like porn and have healthy normal relationships all the time.
I remember back in the day, being invite to a "toy party" and thinking, "I don't even have any kids!" Times have changed, people talk about thing they never would have years ago. Sexuality is no longer a taboo conversation. Personally, I have perused porn on occasion and don't really care for it. My husband likes it and I have walked in on him watching it and it usually ends up leading to mind blowing sex. Perks for me I suppose. To each their own, but suggesting that this man has an addiction is stepping over the line, maybe he's just trying to spice things up from white bread sex to something more fun.
^^^My wife!!!! I am the luckiest man ever
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UPDATE:
We had the talk. This is how it went.
He did get defensive at first but I kept telling him I'm not attacking him, I just am a little hurt and are trying to figure out the best way to talk to him about it. He finally opened up and told me that sex gives him anxiety. He blamed it on his ex from like 4 years ago (2 years before we even met) who would try and get pregnant on purpose and demean him in bed.
I had never heard of this before so I was surprised.
So in other words, it goes deeper than a porn addiction. To him porn and occasionally relieving himself is less anxiety-ridden and therefore more appealing. With me, he seems to shut down a little.
We talked for a good hour and I cried and we had to skip dinner with my parents just to kind of process it all.
He kept saying, "I'm trying, I'm trying." And I really think he is.
But to answer some of you....I don't think we focus too much on sex--it's a RELATIONSHIP. 90% of our time together is watching movies, laughing, grocery shopping, figuring out our careers and futures. Sex is SO important and I think if everything else is awesome and that part isn't, it magnifies it ten times. If I had a crappy relationship with him, the bad sex would just be another drop in the ocean.
Also, from what I can tell, his porn is pretty vanilla--as vanilla as porn can be. No midgets, whips, or trannies--just a lot of girl-on-girl (which I've suggested, btw) and occasional party/public stuff. So I don't think that's it.
I've been trying to spontaneous and I've tried to completely back off. I've tried to be more forward, less aggressive, and everything in between. I tried watching it with him (he wasn't interested) and tried sending him porn.
Talking to him DID help. And I think the final decision is that we need to not talk about it for a while and I need to back up a little and let him deal with this. I know this makes him feel less like a man so I assured him that when we do have sex, I'm completely satisfied and he's AWESOME in bed. I also assured him I love him to death, he's my forever, and no matter what I'm still here. And we left it at that, ate a great dinner, watched some tv, and fell asleep cuddling.
Thank you to everyone who responded. Honestly, I needed to hear a lot of what was said so I could approach this better.
That's great that you guys talked and he told you the root of his anxiety. Now I would just focus on that and let the porn and sex take care of itself. He said his ex did 2 things: 1.)Try to get pregnant on purpose and 2.) Demean him in bed. To deal with the first I'd make sure you guys are very clear about birth control and that he knows FOR SURE that you are doing everything you can to not get pregnant. He needs to be able to trust you and relax about that. And for the second thing, just try to compliment him in general. Not so much in bed, but what he does around the house, how he looks, his skills, etc. Appreciate him as a man and treat him with respect always and that may help heal those old wounds.
I just think if you deal with the root of the problem then the symptoms of the problem will take care of itself. Like many have said, there are lots of guys who look at porn in relationships and still never turn down sex. It's not the fact that he looks, it's the fact that he turns down sex that would be the real red flag. Building trust and assuring him you love and respect him should take care of that. If you do all of this and he still not only looks at porn but rejects you, then you'd be better off moving on for the sake of your own sanity. He's being honest though and giving you a chance to help him through this so I think you have a good foundation to build on. Good luck, I know how painful this can be.0 -
I think if i was in this situation id get my video camera out n make my own porn movie with him
This! Or make him a video with just you in it. I've done it and my husband uses them when I'm not in the mood or when I'm not home. We only watch porn together now. Give it a try, it might work!
I don't think you should alter your appearance just for him. If you want to do it then make sure it's for you and not for anyone else! Good luck!
Totally agree with this ^^^ we are not reliant on this for motivation, but it sure helps keep the imagination working :-)0 -
My fiance looks at porn. Nothing to crazy that I know of at least usually only does it when he is in the bathroom and when Im gone. He has never turned me or anything to do with sex me down though. That would drive me crazy and make me feel kinda sad too. He did used to like to just kinda creep on facebook and look at all his female friends pictures and I even found a few of them saved onto his phone once. They were just in his normal photo gallery nothing I had to snoop around to find. After I had a huge conversation with him though about how much that hurt me and how I hated it and found it disrespectful, I mean I really laid everything I was feeling on the line. He stopped that. I honestly dont think he thought that I would be hurt by that but after he found out he changed.0
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Masturbating is a lot easier than having sex... lol0
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Glad you found out what was causing it. Hopefully you can work through it and have a healthy sex life 0
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UPDATE:
We had the talk. This is how it went.
He did get defensive at first but I kept telling him I'm not attacking him, I just am a little hurt and are trying to figure out the best way to talk to him about it. He finally opened up and told me that sex gives him anxiety. He blamed it on his ex from like 4 years ago (2 years before we even met) who would try and get pregnant on purpose and demean him in bed.
I had never heard of this before so I was surprised.
So in other words, it goes deeper than a porn addiction. To him porn and occasionally relieving himself is less anxiety-ridden and therefore more appealing. With me, he seems to shut down a little.
We talked for a good hour and I cried and we had to skip dinner with my parents just to kind of process it all.
He kept saying, "I'm trying, I'm trying." And I really think he is.
But to answer some of you....I don't think we focus too much on sex--it's a RELATIONSHIP. 90% of our time together is watching movies, laughing, grocery shopping, figuring out our careers and futures. Sex is SO important and I think if everything else is awesome and that part isn't, it magnifies it ten times. If I had a crappy relationship with him, the bad sex would just be another drop in the ocean.
Also, from what I can tell, his porn is pretty vanilla--as vanilla as porn can be. No midgets, whips, or trannies--just a lot of girl-on-girl (which I've suggested, btw) and occasional party/public stuff. So I don't think that's it.
I've been trying to spontaneous and I've tried to completely back off. I've tried to be more forward, less aggressive, and everything in between. I tried watching it with him (he wasn't interested) and tried sending him porn.
Talking to him DID help. And I think the final decision is that we need to not talk about it for a while and I need to back up a little and let him deal with this. I know this makes him feel less like a man so I assured him that when we do have sex, I'm completely satisfied and he's AWESOME in bed. I also assured him I love him to death, he's my forever, and no matter what I'm still here. And we left it at that, ate a great dinner, watched some tv, and fell asleep cuddling.
Thank you to everyone who responded. Honestly, I needed to hear a lot of what was said so I could approach this better.
Sounds like you did a great job at being supportive and caring, and seemed to convey really well that you're not attacking him, but the problem. That you will both do it together. Congrats, it really is good to see things start to work out!
Great job!0 -
I am happy with my wife, but look at porn regularly and if you have a healthy perspective - you know that real life and real women are nothing like what these sites pedal. It's just a bit of fun. Real women are better, and it's their little imperfections that make them who they are - it's called character and personality.0
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I am happy with my wife, but look at porn regularly and if you have a healthy perspective - you know that real life and real women are nothing like what these sites pedal. It's just a bit of fun. Real women are better, and it's their little imperfections that make them who they are - it's called character and personality.
wot this guy said this dude has hit it on the head nuff said0 -
reading it later0
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he might have an addiction..... actually he does0
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Pr0n is only an issue if it interferes with your relationship. Its meant to fill in the gaps in one's sex life, not create larger ones.0
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