Disappointment from others

hanneberries
hanneberries Posts: 119 Member
in Motivation and Support
I've been on MFP for about three weeks, and have been committed to making a lifestyle change since. I've tested out different levels of calories, having started out at 1200, but working out every day to bring it up to about 1450, and then last week I tried starting at 1450, and working up to 1600. In that week, I gained 1lb, though whether that was because I had eaten a lot right before I went to bed and [cough] hadn't had movement before I weighed myself, or what, I'm not sure. Possibly also the muscles working, but I'm not sure. I was disappointed, but that's just how it goes sometimes.

However, my Mum has been all "interested" (aka obsessed) with my weight, and so she asked me today how much I had lost up to now, and I said, with the added weight, 4lbs. And she flat out said she was disappointed in me. Like it was my fault, and hadn't been working hard enough! I don't know /why/ I've only lost 4lbs, but considering it's only been 3 weeks, though I was disappointed because I had gained from last week, I still haven't gone back up to my original weight, and I'm pleased with that. Slow and steady wins the race, yet her disappointment hits hard.

How do you deal with disappointment from others? I don't like disappointing people, but should I just let it roll off my back? How do you do that?
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Replies

  • arcticfox04
    arcticfox04 Posts: 1,011 Member
    Sometimes loved ones are the most harsh critics due to they know for your whole life and always see in that other light. It takes time fro the general attitude to change in a family much longer then it does with friends.

    Just keep on doing your best and long you knows your trying that's all that matters. Your mum can't lose weight for you.
  • Ralphrabbit
    Ralphrabbit Posts: 351 Member
    You are not doing it for them but for you. Their disappointment is not your problem & they have no right to dump that on you.
    Do what you do for you & do not ask for their opinions!
  • raindance_maggie
    raindance_maggie Posts: 150
    You are not doing it for them but for you. Their disappointment is not your problem & they have no right to dump that on you.
    Do what you do for you & do not ask for their opinions!

    THIS...

    i think youre doing an amazing job!
  • kitkatkmt
    kitkatkmt Posts: 178 Member
    Exactly what they said.

    Plus, 4lbs in 3 weeks is definitely good! Average is 1lb per week, so definitely a great start. Nice job!
  • lizzybethclaire
    lizzybethclaire Posts: 849 Member
    My mom is beautiful, slightly petite (5'5) and has perfect make-up and clothes. She constantly is at me about my weight, but also about the fact that I rarely wear make-up and I'm outside all the time, I don't wear skirts, etc... I'm 6'1 and she constantly tells people she doesn't know where I came from. Ugh!!!!! I let a lot of the stuff roll off my back, but I have stood up to her and told her to knock it off. She is insane, but I love her.
  • ryanpayne4
    ryanpayne4 Posts: 64 Member
    Just remember...you're doing this for you and no-one else. In her mind she's probably just trying to help. Shake it off and keep your head down and move forward. Like you said, slow and steady wins the race.And remember, if it were easy everyone would be doing it! Congrats on your success so far.
  • gatorginger
    gatorginger Posts: 947 Member
    You could have had too much sodium and maybe that was just water retention so next time your mom ask just give her your lowest weigh in. Mine will sometimes fluctuate according to how much sodium I had that day so the next morning it may say I gained, I never stress over it because within the next day or so it goes away. It is very important to drink lots of water. When people ask me I just tell them my lowest weigh in even if that morning I was weighing a pound more because our weight is gonna fluctuate on occasions :}. Sorry your mom said such unkind things. Just remember you are doing this for you and not her.
  • annadunn12
    annadunn12 Posts: 42 Member
    That's really quite sad. I'm sorry your Mum was so disappointed. However, this is your journey and lack of support and encouragement from loved ones is not going to help! 4lbs is a loss at the end of the day... you're finding your feet with a new regime and if we're honest, it's not always easy. Keep doing what you're doing, I find this site very easy to use and flexible, if only willpower was as simple!! Congrats on what you've done so far and keep up the good work! I know it's not easy, but try to ignore disappointment, maybe have a gentle word that it's not helpful? All the best :-)
  • shanchamber
    shanchamber Posts: 29
    I learned long ago to set limits with my mother up front. When she starts to talk about my weight loss, I say, "I find that comments from people about my weight loss do not help me with the significant mental challenges surrounding long-term lifestyle changes. I'm not just trying to lose weight; I'm trying to change my relationship with food and exercise. So I'd prefer it if we didn't discuss this anymore." If she persists, feel free to change the subject or end the conversation completely. The longer you delay having this conversation with her, the more used to tossing off comments like this she'll get, and the harder it will be to make her reform. It's like training a puppy, really. ;)
  • AmyParker979
    AmyParker979 Posts: 84 Member
    And she flat out said she was disappointed in me.

    :grumble:

    This really makes me sad. People really take advantage of you being willing to share your journey. When I started this, I started a blog and I intentionally didn't invite a portion of my family because I was afraid of this reaction as well. You need people around you who will support you, not judge how well you are doing. Next time she asks, tell her it's none of her business.
  • Lauren8239
    Lauren8239 Posts: 1,039 Member
    Wow. I think you're doing really well. If she asks you again, don't bother telling her.
    Please don't let her bring you down. It's people like that who make people give up, so don't give up. :flowerforyou:
  • WorkitoutBev
    WorkitoutBev Posts: 29 Member
    Please don't let that stop you, keep doing with you are. You are taking control of your life and you are doing a great job, continue to do you and don't let others get you upset. I believe in you!
  • builtforlife
    builtforlife Posts: 259
    4 pounds in 3 weeks sounds about right to me. Your mom is one of those people who doesnt know much about this kind of stuff. My mom is the exact same way. My mom basically tells me to hardly eat anything and then I'll lose weight. Maybe I will maybe I wont but i will lose all my muscle and be in even worse shape. Slow and steady wins the race. 4 pounds is awesome, you're doing a great job!
  • Dare2BThin
    Dare2BThin Posts: 211 Member
    I think ppl tend to think losing weight is easy...so when you dont lose it fast they believe your not sticking to your plan...However I really DONT care who I disappoint the only persons feelings Im accountable for is my own and I never set out doing this to make someone proud of me...so there for I could careless if they are disappointed....by the way I only loss 3lb my 1st 3 weeks and then 4 on my 4th week...the weight goes down how it wants a loss is a loss no matter how small so congrats on 4lb
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
    4lbs is fine. The problem I find is that a lot of 'older' people are more inclined to the old wive's style of weightloss - lost it all fast with a ridiculous diet and then regain it and more.
  • christyd4
    christyd4 Posts: 191
    4lbs in 3 weeks is great!! Keep it up and don't let others bother you. I know sometimes easier said than done. I have learned to kind of keep my weight loss journey restricted to people here and my boyfriend and even then I don't tell him much. I find that if you keep it to the people who "get it" it makes the journey easier.
  • jen_bd6
    jen_bd6 Posts: 501 Member
    I don't listen to it. A loss is a loss. People should be proud of you no matter what. I say, you lost 4 pounds! That's awesome! Keep up the good work!!! :)
  • invisibubble
    invisibubble Posts: 662 Member
    4lbs in three weeks is ace. And you're right to be eating more than 1200 or whatever. Mums sometimes think they know better in matters like this. They often don't, but there's no telling them that. You're doing brilliantly. Don't let her outdated ways hinder you, it's not her fault really, and it certainly isn't yours.
  • GetUrAssInGear
    GetUrAssInGear Posts: 1
    Tell mum that you need encouragement from her (that way she can still be involved) and NOT criticism. Tell others "Get Off My Back".
  • WifeNMama
    WifeNMama Posts: 2,876 Member
    4 in 3 is a good loss. Healthy weight loss is about a pound per week, and any more could run you into some problems. You can tell her that you are not discussing this anymore. You don't have to defend yourself, because it will only escalate things and she sounds like she's hard to satisfy. I come from a family without a single unexpressed opinion. I know.

    If worst comes to worst, you can say "I'm working on my weight with portion control and exercising, but what have you been doing to improve your personality?"
  • quietlywinning
    quietlywinning Posts: 889 Member
    I learned long ago to set limits with my mother up front. When she starts to talk about my weight loss, I say, "I find that comments from people about my weight loss do not help me with the significant mental challenges surrounding long-term lifestyle changes. I'm not just trying to lose weight; I'm trying to change my relationship with food and exercise. So I'd prefer it if we didn't discuss this anymore." If she persists, feel free to change the subject or end the conversation completely. The longer you delay having this conversation with her, the more used to tossing off comments like this she'll get, and the harder it will be to make her reform. It's like training a puppy, really. ;)

    This. 4 pounds in 3 weeks is a very good loss. You can be respectful and still require respectfulness from others - even your mom. Let her know that she must be respectful and supportive, or the entire topic will be off limits to her. Say it and walk away, so there is not the slightest hint that she can negotiate the rule. Slow and steady is much healthier and more likely to last long term, and she should be very proud that you are doing this in a healthy way.
  • kgprice11
    kgprice11 Posts: 749 Member
    I've been on MFP for about three weeks, and have been committed to making a lifestyle change since. I've tested out different levels of calories, having started out at 1200, but working out every day to bring it up to about 1450, and then last week I tried starting at 1450, and working up to 1600. In that week, I gained 1lb, though whether that was because I had eaten a lot right before I went to bed and [cough] hadn't had movement before I weighed myself, or what, I'm not sure. Possibly also the muscles working, but I'm not sure. I was disappointed, but that's just how it goes sometimes.

    However, my Mum has been all "interested" (aka obsessed) with my weight, and so she asked me today how much I had lost up to now, and I said, with the added weight, 4lbs. And she flat out said she was disappointed in me. Like it was my fault, and hadn't been working hard enough! I don't know /why/ I've only lost 4lbs, but considering it's only been 3 weeks, though I was disappointed because I had gained from last week, I still haven't gone back up to my original weight, and I'm pleased with that. Slow and steady wins the race, yet her disappointment hits hard.

    How do you deal with disappointment from others? I don't like disappointing people, but should I just let it roll off my back? How do you do that?

    Put that person on one shoulder, then proceed to flick them off. Then come back a month later and show them the progress and say I told you so. Turn that negative disappointment into positive motivation!!!
  • builtforlife
    builtforlife Posts: 259
    4lbs is fine. The problem I find is that a lot of 'older' people are more inclined to the old wive's style of weightloss - lost it all fast with a ridiculous diet and then regain it and more.

    Couldnt have said it better myself. This person is correct.
  • melgillis
    melgillis Posts: 76 Member
    Four pounds in three weeks!?! Girl. You rock! Yes, slow and steady wins the race, but better yet is it's sustainable loss. Keep doing what you're doing. You're fine. And, WELCOME to MFP!

    Find a way to gently put your mom off. Tell her you're doing well, staying focused, sticking to your goals and achieving progress. I'm sure she means well, but sometimes us mothers can be pushy.
  • marycmeadows
    marycmeadows Posts: 1,691 Member
    no offense but your mom needs to butt out! 4lbs in 3 weeks is awesome! Just stick with it.... and maybe stop sharing so much with your mom!
  • PrincessEliNa
    PrincessEliNa Posts: 524 Member
    My mom is beautiful, slightly petite (5'5) and has perfect make-up and clothes. She constantly is at me about my weight, but also about the fact that I rarely wear make-up and I'm outside all the time, I don't wear skirts, etc... I'm 6'1 and she constantly tells people she doesn't know where I came from. Ugh!!!!! I let a lot of the stuff roll off my back, but I have stood up to her and told her to knock it off. She is insane, but I love her.

    Gotta love moms, right?
    My mom is similar, in that she can be critical about what I wear/when I'm not wearing make-up, but sometimes you just gotta do you, and not listen to the voices around you, even if they are coming from your loved ones.
  • gingerveg
    gingerveg Posts: 748 Member
    This is like when you are trying to sell your house and people keep asking you "did you sell it?". "I would tell you if I sold it!" Lol. They just want you to succeed and are super invested. I'd just explain it to her how it makes you feel---she's your Mom she'll understand :)
  • this1bigdog
    this1bigdog Posts: 350 Member
    Those 4lbs are way better than 0 lbs or putting more weight on!
    it's like 1000 x better than 0 lbs!
    So I say "WOOT, good job" and "keep up the good work"
  • thrld
    thrld Posts: 610 Member
    However, my Mum has been all "interested" (aka obsessed) with my weight, and so she asked me today how much I had lost up to now, and I said, with the added weight, 4lbs. And she flat out said she was disappointed in me. Like it was my fault, and hadn't been working hard enough! I don't know /why/ I've only lost 4lbs, but considering it's only been 3 weeks, though I was disappointed because I had gained from last week, I still haven't gone back up to my original weight, and I'm pleased with that. Slow and steady wins the race, yet her disappointment hits hard.

    How do you deal with disappointment from others? I don't like disappointing people, but should I just let it roll off my back? How do you do that?

    I ignore the comments that are not supportive. If you try to live your life to please others, you will end up pleasing no-one. Only you can live your life.

    A pound a week means that you will weigh ~13 kg pounds less by Xmas. Perhaps that is not fast enough to suit your mum. But come December 25th, you'll be ~13 kg less (and fitter and heathier). She'll however, will be unchanged, except that she will be older.
  • Athijade
    Athijade Posts: 3,300 Member
    Let me give you a perspective on how weight can fluctuate up and down.

    I weigh on Sunday and Wednesday (I have an urge to see the fluctuations so I understand they are there... it's a mental thing). Anyway, on Sunday I was up to 207 from 205. Today, I was down to 204. Now, there was no way I lost 3 lbs in 3 days. It's a fluctuation. It is normal. It is nothing to worry about.

    I have actually taught my mom a lot about weight loss. Now she can see that you don't have to eat 1200 calories and work out daily for hours on end. A lot of people have a skewed perspective as to what it takes to lose weight or how fast you should be taking it off. They don't understand that a lot of what they see on TV or read isn't really the best ways to go about things.

    If she makes another comment like that, you need to stand up to her about it. Be blunt. I had to be and my mom still loves me... but she now supports me!

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