Disappointment from others

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Replies

  • RobinvdM
    RobinvdM Posts: 634 Member
    Disappointment coming from family and close friends is the worst to try and find a coping mechanism for. I had my own fair share of that from my mother, still do actually. She thinks I shouldn't be walking so much, that I am an overachiever and strive to make everyone else feel bad thanks to my own success with this weight loss so far. I took it on the chin and bit my tongue, because I know I shouldn't care about her negative feedback. I DID care, but it is just not healthy to give weight to negative feedback.

    You know what you are doing, you are learning how to do things, or how NOT to do things. I don't think the sources of all this negativity truly understand the person they are criticizing, or just how hurtful some comments, or attitudes can be. I coped by venting about my situation to my friends, and then in a round about way let my mother know just how hurtful her comments were. (She tolerates criticism about as well as a balloon tolerates a needle.) She has curbed some of the comments, but here and there they still leak through.

    I suppose my point is: talk to her in a way you can reach her to let her know how it made you feel. Otherwise let it just fall off like water off a duck's backside, and try to cling to the positive moments that WILL come. Eventually. I promise.
  • Moosical
    Moosical Posts: 23
    No-one should be 'disappointed', you are losing weight for yourself and need to find what works for YOU.
    4lb in 3 weeks IS good, its a healthy loss and more likely to stay off!

    Besides... losing too quickly can be unhealthy, depending on your situation.

    your mum needs to encourage you, not berate you ;-/

    Don't let anyone else make you adjust how you use MFP, if it's working for you, then that's all that matters ;D
  • hanneberries
    hanneberries Posts: 119 Member
    Wow what an overwhelming response. That is such a wonderful mood changer.

    Going through everything and reading, and it makes me feel much better. I /was/ proud of the 4lbs, despite being disappointed in gaining, but at the same time, I've kept it off, consistently! And that's where you have to start.
  • 9ofthem
    9ofthem Posts: 44 Member
    Book called Boundaries by McCloud and Townsend. It teaches you how to tell people to back off with out being disrespectful or disrespected.

    4 lbs in 3 wks is great!!! Any faster and you risk the huge amounts of flabby skin problem. You are doing this just right.

    You can say to Mom that you are so glad she cares, but that you are being careful to do this the way that drs have discovered to be the best. Tell her that drs don't want you to lose but approximately 1 lb per week. That might help her to back off a bit.

    It's so hard when the one person that should love you unconditionally says such hurtful things. Hugs.
  • Rolande55
    Rolande55 Posts: 52 Member
    What everyone else said! Politely but firmly set boundaries with Mom and keep your healthy lifestyle journey off topic. Next surround yourself with supportive people and give yourself credit where credit is due! 4lbs in 3 weeks? Woooohoooo! YOU are rockin' girl! Keep it up! It is doable.
  • mama78loosinWeight
    mama78loosinWeight Posts: 130 Member
    I would let her know if she isn't willing to be a supportive part of your journey she can keep her destructive commentary to herself. Everyone has something you COULD say something snarky about. People think it is okay to say mean hurtful things because it is your weight. Not true. Explain if you love me you will loving support me though my journey, down this long and hard road in which I am working my bum off! Literally. And your continued disappointment or expectation of failure just leads to the emotional reasons for over eating. Be supportive or be quite. You're doing good job. Take heart. :flowerforyou:
  • myfitnessnmhoy
    myfitnessnmhoy Posts: 2,105 Member
    Wow what an overwhelming response. That is such a wonderful mood changer.

    Going through everything and reading, and it makes me feel much better. I /was/ proud of the 4lbs, despite being disappointed in gaining, but at the same time, I've kept it off, consistently! And that's where you have to start.

    You SHOULD be proud of a 4 pound loss in a short time. You should also mention to your mother that you find such comments discouraging, and that weight varies week-to-week and you are trending correctly.

    She may, in her own way, be trying to encourage you by offering carrot-and-stick encouragement. Obviously this is not the type of encouragement you need at this time, so I'd let her know how you feel while trying not to inject judgement into the discussion.

    And if she can't offer the right kind of encouragement, then she can't. That doesn't make her a bad person. Just tell her you are meeting your goals and happy with your progress, and report actual numbers to her only when you feel you must.
  • mistylovesmusic
    mistylovesmusic Posts: 147
    Awe, this makes me so sad for you! My mom is pretty harsh on me from time to time. A few days ago she asked me who cut my hair. Then she proceeded to tell me she didn't like it. Just keep your chin up and celebrate your accomplishments! Weight loss is a daily struggle and unless you've been there, you don't know how hard it is.
  • Simone_King
    Simone_King Posts: 467 Member
    My weight with my parents isn't a subject we talk about. When we do there are tears and it's combined with other issues going on. Mostly my dad and I don't even BOTHER with the subject. It's a sour subject.

    Maybe it's time you and your mothe had that chat. Tell her point blank that it doesn't matter what she thinks. You are on the diet. ( Or life style change.) Not her.

    Considering my weight lost it took three months for me to get where I am today. So, you're a month hang in there.

    You're trying thats a good start isn't it?
  • bradphil87
    bradphil87 Posts: 617 Member
    Moms are tricky....I see mine usually once a week and she doesn't like the fact that I am losing weight. She thinks I am getting too small and I keep telling her that I'm still very much overweight she just isn't used to seeing me smaller than obese! My dad on the other hand is very supportive and proud of my progress. My sisters like it, but my brothers don't. To be honest I think that my brothers are a little jelious of my progress. One of the is morbidly obese. The other has been fit most if his life but, now his poor eating habits are catching up with him and he is overweight. I don't let it bother me. Sometimes they like to make rude comments to me. I don't let it affect me. On the bright side all of my friends couldn't be more supportive!!!! They are all cheering me on in my journey :)
  • heartkeeper
    heartkeeper Posts: 2
    You should be WAY proud of yourself! You Rock! (send your mom an ice cream cake *giggle*)
    :flowerforyou:
  • hanneberries
    hanneberries Posts: 119 Member
    I think it /is/ hard to talk to parents about it. She's been going on about wanting me to lose weight for a really long time, so I think she was hoping that I would have started right away, and that it would have been faster.

    She had this grand idea when she told me in March to start losing weight, that if I lost 20lbs by July 1st, she'd give me x amount of money. Which was a nice motivator, but, I realised soon that it would be near impossible for me to reach that goal in a healthy manner, and now that I'm so far off, she's disappointed. But I did tell her straight out that losing weight is a mental thing, as well as physical. Mentally I didn't care until May - meaning that while maybe I would diet one day, the next I wouldn't, and so from March - May, I gained a couple pounds. But now I'm trying to make a lifestyle change, and that takes time.

    She responded by saying we could delay the last weigh in until August 16th when she gets back from her Holiday, but at the same time, I don't see that happening. I'll be happy to be down a healthy 10lbs by then. I think I can do that if I work hard, especially with it now being summer and I can garden and whatnot.

    It's frustrating that she seems to think that 20lbs is a small goal, but really, it's not. IMO that's one of my part goals, where I'll be really proud of myself, and will likely have a me party (a party by myself) (eh eh eh the muppets)

    Thank you all for your warm words and support. It definitely puts me back in the right state of mind.
  • mphlab
    mphlab Posts: 187 Member
    Relatives can be the worst! Tell her to pick up 16 sticks of butter & haul them around! 4lbs is nothing to be dissapointed in! You should be proud! I am dissapointed in her for being so unsupportive to you- she should know better! When I first saw my mother in law after a lost 5-10lbs she did nothing to help me or compliment me. After 6 months and 29 pounds she is very complimentary now... I wanted to shout " No thanks to you" I am one of those people that is very contrary. If you tell me I should - I won't just to spite you.Even if it is not in my best interest. But as someone said - this is for you - not her. It took me to my 40s & getting married to be able to ignore relatives. I smile & nod & then do whatever the heck I want to. At first I would fight back but I learned that she thought the way she was going to think & I was just wasting my breath.

    I gained after I adjusted my calories up to over my BMR but now I am back on track. It is so much more important to do this right than quickly. You will also avoid loose skin. Chin up - you ROCK! Check out the Eat More 2 Weigh Less Group - they are very helpful.
  • sl1ngsh0t
    sl1ngsh0t Posts: 326 Member
    I tell them to eff off. even if it is my mother.
  • Ralphrabbit
    Ralphrabbit Posts: 351 Member
    My mother spent her life criticising my weight & had a go at every opportunity!
    In the last 18 months of her life she was unable to say anything as I lost 6 stone & she was unable to say something nice so had to shut up. She died last month, unable to notice my weight loss but it remained her problem not mine. Plenty of people that I have far more respect for have been kind, supportive & complimentary. That's nice but I am doing it for me & I am reaping the benefits!!
    Do it for you & reward yourself!
  • Maude_Lewbowski
    Maude_Lewbowski Posts: 395 Member
    I've been on MFP for about three weeks, and have been committed to making a lifestyle change since. I've tested out different levels of calories, having started out at 1200, but working out every day to bring it up to about 1450, and then last week I tried starting at 1450, and working up to 1600. In that week, I gained 1lb, though whether that was because I had eaten a lot right before I went to bed and [cough] hadn't had movement before I weighed myself, or what, I'm not sure. Possibly also the muscles working, but I'm not sure. I was disappointed, but that's just how it goes sometimes.

    However, my Mum has been all "interested" (aka obsessed) with my weight, and so she asked me today how much I had lost up to now, and I said, with the added weight, 4lbs. And she flat out said she was disappointed in me. Like it was my fault, and hadn't been working hard enough! I don't know /why/ I've only lost 4lbs, but considering it's only been 3 weeks, though I was disappointed because I had gained from last week, I still haven't gone back up to my original weight, and I'm pleased with that. Slow and steady wins the race, yet her disappointment hits hard.

    How do you deal with disappointment from others? I don't like disappointing people, but should I just let it roll off my back? How do you do that?

    Guilt from friends and family doesn't fly with me. If they have issue then that's THEIR issue. I don't take anyone else's inventory and I can't stand when people take mine. I think you're making progress coupled the fact that you are stickng with it shows you're dedication. Don't let anyone get you down (unfortunately) even if it's family.
  • myfitnessnmhoy
    myfitnessnmhoy Posts: 2,105 Member
    She had this grand idea when she told me in March to start losing weight, that if I lost 20lbs by July 1st, she'd give me x amount of money. Which was a nice motivator, but, I realised soon that it would be near impossible for me to reach that goal in a healthy manner, and now that I'm so far off, she's disappointed. But I did tell her straight out that losing weight is a mental thing, as well as physical. Mentally I didn't care until May - meaning that while maybe I would diet one day, the next I wouldn't, and so from March - May, I gained a couple pounds. But now I'm trying to make a lifestyle change, and that takes time.

    She responded by saying we could delay the last weigh in until August 16th when she gets back from her Holiday, but at the same time, I don't see that happening. I'll be happy to be down a healthy 10lbs by then. I think I can do that if I work hard, especially with it now being summer and I can garden and whatnot.

    It's frustrating that she seems to think that 20lbs is a small goal, but really, it's not. IMO that's one of my part goals, where I'll be really proud of myself, and will likely have a me party (a party by myself) (eh eh eh the muppets)

    Thank you all for your warm words and support. It definitely puts me back in the right state of mind.

    You've got your priorities right and your head on straight, which is fantastic. You aren't doing this for the money, and you aren't doing it for the mommy. You're going to do just fine at this, no worries!

    If you really focus on doing it right, eating clean, getting your fat/carbs/proteins in balance, working out, and doing all the right things, you have enough left to go that 2 pounds a week is a reasonable goal. But above all else you have to go with the pace that is right for YOU, not some artificial money-induced deadline based on something someone else saw on "Biggest Loser" or read about.

    And, of course, you can't control the actual weight loss. You do your best, you keep trying, you stick with it, and you focus on eating healthy foods at a caloric deficit and improving your fitness. The weight will just kinda take care of itself at a pace of its own choosing.

    You and your body will find a tempo together, then you'll hit a plateau together, and you'll find a tempo again, and the tango will continue in this fun if occasionally frustrating dance.
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