Suggestions to help & encourage my overweight niece.....
Replies
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You're very sweet, but please for the love of humanity find something you can love and cherish about this poor girl instead of just acting out of pity. Then play up on that. People sense how you really feel, whether they consciously know it or not. There has to be something worth loving about the poor child, so find it!0
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I think its great you want to help her but you may have to try the cruel to be kind routine, one of the reasons I wanted to loose weight was because my Dad told my I looked like a hippo.
But at the end of the day she is the only person who can make the choice to change the way she eats and she will do when she is ready to.
I know its not great advice, but your not going to be able to force to chance her eating habits.0 -
I would suggest letting her talk to you about her health/weight and ask about your journey. Tell her what you did, what you went through as a teenager etc. Rather than a "you should do this...you need to do this..." conversation. Just listen to her story and then share yours. Offer to be a long distant support and sounding board. To truly make a difference, simply be an example while home. Teenagers will watch and learn from what they see and respond to that far more than they will to advice, not matter how well meaning.
Lead by example. Try and influence the food choices while visiting. Talk to your Dad and Step-mom about balancing their meals more to have a better variety and options so she can have choices. Most likey you will not be able to turn them into a full-blown healthy house but if you cook a few really tasty yet good for you meals, leave them with examples on how to change it up etc. You have a shot at leaving after vacation with a real impression and example.
Just my .020 -
I love the 'trap her into a mani/pedi plan!!! ANY outing would work. Also, knowing how it feels to be the 'fat teen' with the 'skinny aunt' I agree with the make it about you conversation. "So, how are things going at school? Interested in any sports or activities?"... if I flashed back *gulp* twenty years I know where that would gave gone for me..."Well auntie I don't do sports, I'm not exactly in great shape as you can see..." then you follow up with "I know how you must feel, I used to be... " Heck, see where it goes!
YES.
Please don't go in with a "you need to do this, you need to stop that" conversation. It will not help..
Take her out.. hopefully she will say something about weight loss.. then you can start with the part about MFP and how you used it to lose weight.. etc. Give her some confidence..
My stepmom tried to "help" me and it was just unproductive and made it worse.
If she is being raised by her Grandparents, then its obvious she has some feelings about why her parents are not raising her, and I bet she is overeating based on emotions. maybe she needs some counseling.0 -
I know you're determined to talk to your niece no matter what, but I'm going to join the chorus of saying it's a bad, bad idea. She's 13. From what you've said, she feels fat and self-conscious. Her family is supposed to be her soft place to fall. Kids at school might give her a hard time about her weight, but her family never should. Again, she's 13. No matter how you say whatever you think you're going to say she WILL take it badly. She will not think you care. She will not thank you. She will be hurt that you weren't a soft place to fall, annoyed that you are lecturing when you were overweight yourself (it will look hypocritical to her, NOT inspiring), and angry that you confronted her. You cannot word it well enough to avoid this reaction. I'd bet you my house.
If you are concerned, talk to her guardians. They are the ones who need to be involved and make the change. Do you really think a 13 year old girl can lose weight if her guardians make no changes? Her guardians need to insist she enroll in a sport, or take family walks, or cook healthy meals. This is their battle to fight, not yours. All you can do is suggest a call to action.0 -
Im gonna be very blunt here. When I was thirteen if my aunt that I saw once year and I was not close to (and had a feeling wasnt crazy about me) tried to talk to me about losing weight I'd probably tell her to *kitten* off.(Told you I was going to be blunt) However Im ssuming youre in pretty good shape. She might ask how you stay so skinny. If she does something like that or brings it up in other manner, then you have a window to offer her some advice.0
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i have a 13yr old niece who lives in maine with my dad and my stepmom (her grandparents)...; 10 cookies and then ice cream cone for dessert, 2-3 helpings at dinner, no exercise of any kind with the exception of hanging out with friends in the backyard pool.....
I would take a daily walk with her everyday. I would tell your dad they simply can not have cookies and ice cream in the house. I think it's really nice of you to get involved.0 -
This is difficult. I know my mom tried to get me to lose weight when I was about that age, which led to me having self-esteem issues (she wasn't mean about it, I can just be sensitive sometimes) that I am overcoming now in my twenties. I think the best thing you can really do is talk to her guardian, since they are supplying her food. Also, it never hurts to ask her to join you in your exercise. I do this with my family members to help them out without saying "you're fat" or "you need to lose weight". Also, explaining to her what it really takes to lose weight and that there are no miracle drugs or solutions gives her a more realistic approach to weight loss if she is really serious about it.0
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It's always touchy....personally, I don't say anything to my nephew about it. But I do tell my brother he has to start feeding him better foods. Honestly, when a child has no control over what is brought into the house (food wise) it is 100 percent the parents fault. 100 percent. The child does not have the ability to go out and buy theses foods (they don't make the money) my advise would be talking to your parents. Your niece has zero control over the foods that are and are not brought into the house (outside of suggestions of course.)0
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If you're truly worried about her, work on your relationship with her. Let her know you care about her and you're there for her. Lead by example. When she's ready, she'll ask how you lost weight.
best advice yet...you need to have somewhat of a relationship before this girl will even listen to you
Agree 100%.
And I don't think you have to wait til you get there to start. Send her emails - asking her what she'd like to do while you're around. Or about some common interest, or something you know she likes. A TV show, a band, anything. Call her to say hi and check in. Doesn't matter if it's a 5 minute conversation and she thinks you're a weirdo for it, you need to foster the relationship first.
And I agree with those saying talk to your dad/step mother. Kids can get junk without help, but certainly if she's in the position to be eating nearly a dozen cookies plus ice cream at home there is a problem with the food that is being provided to her as I assume she is not doing the shopping on her own.0 -
I would try and spend some time alone with her. Involve her in some activities. If she has broached the topic before, she will likely do so again which will give you an "in". I always found that talking about things in the car always works with my kids. They have your attention and you have theirs and they are not in a public place so they are free to talk more. I would try to make this about you and your feelings and not have her feel any more negative about herself then she probably already does. Get the conversation started and follow up with some emails or private messages on facebook and see how she is doing. Let her know that you understand and that you care.
After talking with her and seeing if she is ready, then offer to talk to your parents of her or with her. Help them to guide her in the right direction before she starts the yo yo dieting cycle. She already seams interested in "a quick fix". Mabe they can send her to a nutritionist. Suggest MFP or Sparkteens so she can get support from other people. Good luck and try to get down to her level and see what she wants and how she feels. If she isn't ready, let her know that she can contact you when she is.0 -
Instead of you trying to give her advice, considering you don't have a close relationship with her, I would suggest you talk to your dad and stepmother about trying to get her more active. When my daughter was that age she started getting a little chunky. I had a rule with her that she had to be in some kind of extra curricular activity, so she decided to join the track team. Luckily, her school had a policy of letting anyone on the team that wanted to be there (providing they keep their grades up). Anyway, she learned a lot about proper nutrition and got a lot of exercise and the weight just seemed to melt off her. Even now, at 21, she is still very fit and healthy. This way worked much better than if I had tried putting her on a diet and exercise program myself as she would have most likely rebelled (sp?) as I did when my stepmother put me on a diet.0
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OP,
Please come back after and tell us how ruining this girl's (that you don't communicate with and barely see) self-esteem was.0 -
OP,
Please come back after and tell us how ruining this girl's (that you don't communicate with and barely see) self-esteem was.
Could not agree with this more.0 -
Haven't gone through and read this so not sure if it's already been said BUT...
Do some research on resources in the area. A local community health centre, YMCA, or other youth organization may have just what you're looking for. It sounds like the entire family needs to be educated on nutrition, exercise, and overall health.
You can't be there all the time, so someone else has to be.
Many youth centres have programs that revolve around self esteem and having a positive self image, even just that would put her in a position to start thinking about how she cares for herself with the added bonus of having her connected to professionals who can support her with her other needs.
I'm a little surprised at all the people on here that are telling you not to talk to her. I was overweight when I was her age too, and I had adults in my life that were pushing me to fad diets, but no one took the time to tell me I was beautiful and that I could do great things for myself. If someone had taught me early on about nutrition well I probabyl wouldn't be here today!
Just one example of a program in Maine:
http://www.aplaceforkidstogo.org/New_Balance_Youth_Fitness.html
STEPS To A Healthier ME
FAMILIES gatehr each month for a free well balanced, well proportioned supper planned by Running Club and Kid Power children under the coaching of our Health Coordinator and a registered dietitian. Children explain the meal and nutrition facts to their families.0 -
No wonder so many teenagers are f'd up nowadays, the adults in their lives are so terrified of hurting their widdle feelings they won't help them get on the right path. Good Lord people. :grumble:
It is HARD to find all the facts about weight loss. There is so much junk science and fad diets it's ridiculous. This little girl is fat and depressed and is trying to find something that works but she HAS NO FREAKING CLUE WHAT TO DO. Someone is willing to help her and she gets bashed? Would you rather her take the advice of her little friends and stop eating or go on some kind of dangerous crash diet? This aunt wants to give her the tools to SUCCEED.
The girl is fat. She knows she's fat. She likely gets a lot of flak for being fat. Do you really think her aunt bringing up weightloss and giving real advice is going to crush her? I doubt it. She might be a little offended but if the end result is that she has to tools to turn her life around for the better and be the vibrant, happy girl she should be then GOOD.0 -
No wonder so many teenagers are f'd up nowadays, the adults in their lives are so terrified of hurting their widdle feelings they won't help them get on the right path. Good Lord people. :grumble:
It is HARD to find all the facts about weight loss. There is so much junk science and fad diets it's ridiculous. This little girl is fat and depressed and is trying to find something that works but she HAS NO FREAKING CLUE WHAT TO DO. Someone is willing to help her and she gets bashed? Would you rather her take the advice of her little friends and stop eating or go on some kind of dangerous crash diet? This aunt wants to give her the tools to SUCCEED.
The girl is fat. She knows she's fat. She likely gets a lot of flak for being fat. Do you really think her aunt bringing up weightloss and giving real advice is going to crush her? I doubt it. She might be a little offended but if the end result is that she has to tools to turn her life around for the better and be the vibrant, happy girl she should be then GOOD.
I agree with some of what you said, but I'm not sure I agree that this is an "adult in her life." The OP admits to having little relationship with her, she lives no where near her (which means active, long-term support is not possible), and almost everything the OP said about their relationship was negative. I felt that it is nice that the OP wants to get involved but recommended she foster a healthy relationship with the niece first. Health is about all aspects of life, not just physical health - the OP would do well to remember that and foster the interpersonal side of the situation first. Kids tend to listen to those they trust, not those who they think are nosy, bossy, biatches.0 -
i understand where you're coming from but the OP is a bit misplaced in who she needs to talk to about this.No wonder so many teenagers are f'd up nowadays, the adults in their lives are so terrified of hurting their widdle feelings they won't help them get on the right path. Good Lord people. :grumble:
It is HARD to find all the facts about weight loss. There is so much junk science and fad diets it's ridiculous. This little girl is fat and depressed and is trying to find something that works but she HAS NO FREAKING CLUE WHAT TO DO. Someone is willing to help her and she gets bashed? Would you rather her take the advice of her little friends and stop eating or go on some kind of dangerous crash diet? This aunt wants to give her the tools to SUCCEED.
The girl is fat. She knows she's fat. She likely gets a lot of flak for being fat. Do you really think her aunt bringing up weightloss and giving real advice is going to crush her? I doubt it. She might be a little offended but if the end result is that she has to tools to turn her life around for the better and be the vibrant, happy girl she should be then GOOD.
this is a CHILD. what is she supposed to do, quit school get a job and buy her own food? i dont think things have changed much since I was 13, but i had very little say in what I was eating because my parents were the ones buying it. it's all well and good to tell this girl she should be eating healthy but if she's never been taught that how exactly is she supposed to know how to do so?
unless of course the OP is willing to buy this girl's food and then show her how to cook it and eat it but since she lives so far away. i doubt it.
i really dont understand why people think an overweight child's weight has nothing to do with the parents.0 -
LOL.......GOOD LUCK! I AM SCARED FOR YOU!0
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i understand where you're coming from but the OP is a bit misplaced in who she needs to talk to about this.No wonder so many teenagers are f'd up nowadays, the adults in their lives are so terrified of hurting their widdle feelings they won't help them get on the right path. Good Lord people. :grumble:
It is HARD to find all the facts about weight loss. There is so much junk science and fad diets it's ridiculous. This little girl is fat and depressed and is trying to find something that works but she HAS NO FREAKING CLUE WHAT TO DO. Someone is willing to help her and she gets bashed? Would you rather her take the advice of her little friends and stop eating or go on some kind of dangerous crash diet? This aunt wants to give her the tools to SUCCEED.
The girl is fat. She knows she's fat. She likely gets a lot of flak for being fat. Do you really think her aunt bringing up weightloss and giving real advice is going to crush her? I doubt it. She might be a little offended but if the end result is that she has to tools to turn her life around for the better and be the vibrant, happy girl she should be then GOOD.
this is a CHILD. what is she supposed to do, quit school get a job and buy her own food? i dont think things have changed much since I was 13, but i had very little say in what I was eating because my parents were the ones buying it. it's all well and good to tell this girl she should be eating healthy but if she's never been taught that how exactly is she supposed to know how to do so?
unless of course the OP is willing to buy this girl's food and then show her how to cook it and eat it but since she lives so far away. i doubt it.
i really dont understand why people think an overweight child's weight has nothing to do with the parents.
She doesn't know how to eat healthy, that's what the OP wants to TEACH her.
Even if you don't get to choose what to buy (although most parents know what their kids like and that's what they buy), she can choose her portion sizes and decide how much of what she wants to eat. These are all skills that must be taught0 -
Sounds like she is like a million other Americans... knows there's a problem, probably hates her self for having the problem, but when push comes to shove has no freaking clue what to do about it!
Educate her when you visit. Say something like "I hear you want to try such and such diet plan, you know I lost 78 pounds doing THIS" and explain to her about diet and exercise. Introduce her to this site and show her what kind of physical activities can be fun. All you can do is give her the tools, and I think you are awesome for caring so much about the little ****. I know I cannot bear to be around a 13 year old for more than 5 minutes before I want to poke my eye out lol Way to go! :flowerforyou:
Edit: Can you talk to her guardians about this?
I think it's a great idea to do if you hear her mention something about dieting or weight loss. If not, can you speak to someone she is close to and see if you can get them concerned for her? Maybe helping the concerned friend/relative/other close person will have an effect. At least you can walk away knowing you gave it your best shot.0 -
How about showing her photos from when you were heavy?
Don't specifically make it about your weight, though. Do it as sharing family memories and there just happens to be pics of you heavy. Point out that it's you, and when she says something along the lines of, "you look so different!" that can be your opening?0 -
One of the best ways of teaching is modeling. Don't say a word to her about weight unless she or someone else brings up your weight. Then you can say, "Thanks! I found this great site blah blah blah." Be open that you are going to exercise and that you enjoy it as me time.
If no one mentions weight, bring it up yourself about YOU. "Remember when I had (random medical problem)? My doctor said since losing weight, it's all cleared up. If only had someone told me that watching my portions could do so much! I wish I had believed in myself enough to start this sooner." (Or whatever.)0 -
i understand where you're coming from but the OP is a bit misplaced in who she needs to talk to about this.No wonder so many teenagers are f'd up nowadays, the adults in their lives are so terrified of hurting their widdle feelings they won't help them get on the right path. Good Lord people. :grumble:
It is HARD to find all the facts about weight loss. There is so much junk science and fad diets it's ridiculous. This little girl is fat and depressed and is trying to find something that works but she HAS NO FREAKING CLUE WHAT TO DO. Someone is willing to help her and she gets bashed? Would you rather her take the advice of her little friends and stop eating or go on some kind of dangerous crash diet? This aunt wants to give her the tools to SUCCEED.
The girl is fat. She knows she's fat. She likely gets a lot of flak for being fat. Do you really think her aunt bringing up weightloss and giving real advice is going to crush her? I doubt it. She might be a little offended but if the end result is that she has to tools to turn her life around for the better and be the vibrant, happy girl she should be then GOOD.
this is a CHILD. what is she supposed to do, quit school get a job and buy her own food? i dont think things have changed much since I was 13, but i had very little say in what I was eating because my parents were the ones buying it. it's all well and good to tell this girl she should be eating healthy but if she's never been taught that how exactly is she supposed to know how to do so?
unless of course the OP is willing to buy this girl's food and then show her how to cook it and eat it but since she lives so far away. i doubt it.
i really dont understand why people think an overweight child's weight has nothing to do with the parents.
She doesn't know how to eat healthy, that's what the OP wants to TEACH her.
Even if you don't get to choose what to buy (although most parents know what their kids like and that's what they buy), she can choose her portion sizes and decide how much of what she wants to eat. These are all skills that must be taught
you're not getting my point. teaching her what to do will have little effect if someone else is buying her food.
for instance i was lucky enough to grow up with a family who believed in whole foods, but i also knew kids who's parents bought crap like lunchables, hot dogs, etc. the only veggies were frozen french fries. the only fruit is what was in strawberry ice cream. they ate tons of mcdonalds and pizza, etc.
sorry but if you're trying to lose weight and are obese, there is no healthy portion size of hot dog, ketchup ramen, mrs paul fish sticks, ice cream etc if that's all you're given to eat
sure the OP can teach her how to combine her meals, make healthy salads with baked chicken or salmon, but what if this girl's parents aren't buying food like that? kids dont exist in a bubble0 -
i understand where you're coming from but the OP is a bit misplaced in who she needs to talk to about this.No wonder so many teenagers are f'd up nowadays, the adults in their lives are so terrified of hurting their widdle feelings they won't help them get on the right path. Good Lord people. :grumble:
It is HARD to find all the facts about weight loss. There is so much junk science and fad diets it's ridiculous. This little girl is fat and depressed and is trying to find something that works but she HAS NO FREAKING CLUE WHAT TO DO. Someone is willing to help her and she gets bashed? Would you rather her take the advice of her little friends and stop eating or go on some kind of dangerous crash diet? This aunt wants to give her the tools to SUCCEED.
The girl is fat. She knows she's fat. She likely gets a lot of flak for being fat. Do you really think her aunt bringing up weightloss and giving real advice is going to crush her? I doubt it. She might be a little offended but if the end result is that she has to tools to turn her life around for the better and be the vibrant, happy girl she should be then GOOD.
this is a CHILD. what is she supposed to do, quit school get a job and buy her own food? i dont think things have changed much since I was 13, but i had very little say in what I was eating because my parents were the ones buying it. it's all well and good to tell this girl she should be eating healthy but if she's never been taught that how exactly is she supposed to know how to do so?
unless of course the OP is willing to buy this girl's food and then show her how to cook it and eat it but since she lives so far away. i doubt it.
i really dont understand why people think an overweight child's weight has nothing to do with the parents.
She doesn't know how to eat healthy, that's what the OP wants to TEACH her.
Even if you don't get to choose what to buy (although most parents know what their kids like and that's what they buy), she can choose her portion sizes and decide how much of what she wants to eat. These are all skills that must be taught
you're not getting my point. teaching her what to do will have little effect if someone else is buying her food.
for instance i was lucky enough to grow up with a family who believed in whole foods, but i also knew kids who's parents bought crap like lunchables, hot dogs, etc. the only veggies were frozen french fries. the only fruit is what was in strawberry ice cream. they ate tons of mcdonalds and pizza, etc.
sorry but if you're trying to lose weight and are obese, there is no healthy portion size of hot dog, ketchup ramen, mrs paul fish sticks, ice cream etc. :laugh:
Assuming the guardians would absolutely never change what they buy no matter how she begs them, eating 1 instead of 2, or learning what the portion sizes ARE and how to read the ingredients on a package and learning what nutrients she should try to get is all important and can take her a long way on her journey.0 -
Im really shocked that the grandparents just let her sit there and eat that many cookies and ice cream in a sitting =x!!
I think the majority of her problem is she isnt being provided with the right food and she gets away with eating badly and I hate to say it but the grandparents are the main reason as to why she is big as she is still a child and needs someone to take control of her actions a bit more.
I think your best off addressing them first and once that's been done then chat with your niece. Like many other people have said I wouldn't mention her weight as most people who are big or overweight already know they are and don't need telling again and again and again. I think mentioning your story would be a great way to show her what a fab role model you are, she probably would notice your weight loss and ask you before u even tried mentioning it to her.
I do hope this young girl gets some good help, whether it be from you or her grandparents, i wish I could have had the help when I was younger
good luck 
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You mentioned that your sister has lost a good bit of weight as well. If she's going to be there at the same time talk to her about weight loss in front of your niece. Trade tips, experiences, recipes, etc. Your niece will hear it and be able to join the conversation and ask questions if she wants to but it won't be so direct. If you just start talking to her about her weight she'll just get defensive and shut down.0
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Chiming in that this is a terrible idea and there is absolutely no way to bring this up to the girl without coming off as cruel and mean-spirited. If SHE mentions it to YOU, there's an open door to gently talk about how you improved your own eating habits etc. When I was about 13 my grandparents stopped by to visit for the first time in several years, "gently" told me I was too fat, and sailed away on a cruise. That in no way helped me and I can't imagine how an adult she hardly sees stopping by on vacation to tell her that she's fat will inspire her to do anything other than cut you out of her life.
Talk to the grandparents about buying her cookies and ice cream. Do not confront the girl.0 -
I've switched just about everything in our house without telling my two young kids (7&4) to all natural products( I.E. natural jiff peanut butter the ingredients are peanut butter and palm oil) Having a diabetic grandfather I use to eat and snack with him growing up which was pretty bland when it came to ingredients in taste so I knew my biggest challenge was keeping them wanting to eat healthy. Our household in my opinion would rank at the 7.5 or 8 out of 10 for the health factor when it comes to food and the kids eat really wellm here's how we did it. Starting with my 4 year old, he would wake up all hours of the night , be hyper etc. Most people called it being a kid but my wife and I knew it was his diet. We went though the cupboards and ditched anything that had preservatives and or sugary. Product number one was Nutella! You might as well be feeding your kids cotton candy with this stuff. Instead of sugar we use stevia in the raw which is a plant that is 300% more sweeter than sugar but has zero calories, does not effect the glucose spiking our kids blood sugar making it safe for diabetics as well. We took the stevia and baked cookies, cakes, fresh squeezed lemonade. We also created a shelf in the fridge thats strictly for the kids, if they want a snack they can help themselves as much as they want from that shelf only. On that shelf is string cheese, yogurts lots of fruit pre-peeled and cut up if needed. This takes all the thinking out of "what should I eat" for them. So although the foods that they eat may seem like the sugary stuff they like, there is in fact no sugar in them which allows their pancreas to stay steady with the insulin production keeping them from going crazy candy freaks then crashing into naps which messes up their sleep patterns causing them to wake me up through the night0
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I think one issue a lot of overweight kids have is that they feel uncomfortable with their bodies and they end up not liking sport/working out/gym because of it. I think this happens with girls a lot (I'm sure guys too I just don't really know any teenage boys haha) because of puberty etc.
If you maybe tried to find a non-competative sport or activity she liked, maybe that would help encourage her to become active. Maybe going for a walk each night and trying to get further and further each time? Maybe setting up a geocaching/scavenger hunt?
When I was younger I loved horse back riding because I could do it by myself. Another good option would be if she could get a "job" walking someone's dog. A couple bucks a week and she could walk it everyday after school or something. Even giving her a gift like an cheap mp3 player and making her a playlist of your favourite work out songs (or a CD if she already has an mp3 player) so she can dance in the privacy of her own room could help her develop confidence and a love of movement. Creating something shared and special between you two might help her feel more comfortable about talking to you too.
It's tough because no matter what kind of progress you make while you're there, it's up to the rest of her family to keep it going. And it sounds like they aren't super motivated like you are.0
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