How to deal with criticism
nfgchick79
Posts: 89 Member
Here's a little background info:
I recently got married and lost about 23 lbs. over about 6 months. I have done this in a very healthy way, by working out 5-7 hours a week and counting calories. I have been getting mostly compliments from people in regards to my weight loss. Recently I started receiving some comments that I just don't know how to deal with. Before I get to that here on some of my weight loss stats so you can get an idea of how I look.
Age: 32
Height: 5'0"
CW: 111 (on a good day, this fluctuates)
SW: 134
GW: 105
Waist: 27
Hips: 34
Healthy weight range for my height: 95-128 lbs
So I have been getting comments from my husband's family (mother and grandma) that I am "so skinny" and "when am I going to gain weight now that the wedding is over." This weekend, his grandmother freaked out when she found out that I had worked out prior to coming over. She said "Oh my god, you are STILL working out? Stop losing weight." I swear I thought she was going to cry. They continued to try and feed me a bunch of junk food all day long. Every time I would say no they would just sigh.
I'm incredulous. I still have a little bit of a belly as well as thickish thighs and some areas here and there that I'm not happy with. These women are very overweight themselves. My husband said not to worry that they are just being "Italian mothers" and that I am not too skinny and please don't listen to them. I'm proud of the weight I have lost and finally am feeling good about myself. I am upset that I am being criticized and to feel guilty about being healthy and fit. How do other people handle these kind of comments and behaviors? I don't know how to placate them. The first words out of their mouths when I came over was look how skinny I am. How is this acceptable behavior? If I said to them, please stop eating that you're too fat, I'd get slapped in the face. How is it okay to make me feel horrible for being "thin?"
If you look at my profile pictures, btw, the only recent one is the wedding one. The others were taken pre-weight loss and at in-between stages.
Thanks!!
I recently got married and lost about 23 lbs. over about 6 months. I have done this in a very healthy way, by working out 5-7 hours a week and counting calories. I have been getting mostly compliments from people in regards to my weight loss. Recently I started receiving some comments that I just don't know how to deal with. Before I get to that here on some of my weight loss stats so you can get an idea of how I look.
Age: 32
Height: 5'0"
CW: 111 (on a good day, this fluctuates)
SW: 134
GW: 105
Waist: 27
Hips: 34
Healthy weight range for my height: 95-128 lbs
So I have been getting comments from my husband's family (mother and grandma) that I am "so skinny" and "when am I going to gain weight now that the wedding is over." This weekend, his grandmother freaked out when she found out that I had worked out prior to coming over. She said "Oh my god, you are STILL working out? Stop losing weight." I swear I thought she was going to cry. They continued to try and feed me a bunch of junk food all day long. Every time I would say no they would just sigh.
I'm incredulous. I still have a little bit of a belly as well as thickish thighs and some areas here and there that I'm not happy with. These women are very overweight themselves. My husband said not to worry that they are just being "Italian mothers" and that I am not too skinny and please don't listen to them. I'm proud of the weight I have lost and finally am feeling good about myself. I am upset that I am being criticized and to feel guilty about being healthy and fit. How do other people handle these kind of comments and behaviors? I don't know how to placate them. The first words out of their mouths when I came over was look how skinny I am. How is this acceptable behavior? If I said to them, please stop eating that you're too fat, I'd get slapped in the face. How is it okay to make me feel horrible for being "thin?"
If you look at my profile pictures, btw, the only recent one is the wedding one. The others were taken pre-weight loss and at in-between stages.
Thanks!!
0
Replies
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Welcome to the club, haha.
Funny how people have no problem coming up to you and saying "You've lost too much weight!" or "Is something wrong?" would NEVER go up to someone they haven't seen in a while and say "Damn, you're fat!" or "More salad, less dressing!"....
Remember: "Obsessed" is a word used by the lazy to describe the dedicated.0 -
They can't MAKE you feel anything ...... just ignore it ...... smile & continue to say "no, thanks" to the junkfood .....
Congrats on the weight loss, by the way :drinker:0 -
My mom did the same thing to me when I was about 10-15 lbs shy of my goal weight. I think part of it is what your husband said- they are just being "italian mothers" and the other part of it is people don't like change. I don't think in reality that they are trying to burst your bubble or upset you, they just see you shrinking before their eyes and they're not used to it. Over time they will get used to seeing the new thin you and it won't be so "shocking" anymore.
Good job btw!0 -
I know it is hard, but you just have to ignore them. You know that you are just taking care of yourself and being healthy. Just smile and say you want to get healthy for future babies....if they are truly Italian Mothers, that will shut them up, because I am positive they are itching for grandbabies! (I come from an Italian family).0
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Remember: "Obsessed" is a word used by the lazy to describe the dedicated.
^^ This times a million.
As long as you are healthy, the only voice you need to listen to is your own (and your doctor's). Keep on doing what you need to do to be happy and healthy.
If necessary, print out a BMI chart for them and point to where you are in the range and tell them to back off.0 -
Unfortunately, a lot of cultures still hold to the old world beliefs that being fat was indeed a good thing. During the Roman empire, if woman were skinny, they were considered undesirable. Mainly because, if you were fat, it meant you could afford lots of good food and wine, where as if you were skinny, you could not. The same thing applies to the Italians, they feel that if someone is unduly skinny, they are not being taken care of and need to eat.
The best thing for you to do is to tell them your goals, tell them you are 100% healthy by your doctors standards. Also, I am willing to bet that there concern is not so much for you, but for their grandson, which is another common trait of the Italian family.
best advice, from me, As long as you are happy, and as long as your husband is happy. Ignore them. Haters will hate. Its just what they do. Sorry to hear it is happening though.0 -
Thanks for the feedback thus far everyone! I've never really dealt with this before, except maybe in high school a couple of my heavier friends gave me crap about being small. I chalked that up to jealousy.
I tried to explain that I am healthy and they scoffed at me (and then proceeded to try and feed me). My husband and I actually left early because they were ordering take-out that consisted of pizza and hoagies. I think he could see the fear on my face, LOL!
His mom actually said to me that I have a "flat *kitten*" because my jeans are loose (haven't gotten around to getting a whole new wardrobe). Apparently when one is not overweight its okay to rip on their body shape/size. I'm not magically self-confident about my body since losing weight, so when I hear things like that it's truly upsetting.0 -
Be very very careful when you start having kids. Your inlaws may try to derail your efforts of being healthy and feeding your future kids healthy food.
You look great, you feel great.......to heck with them. You could always mention, next time they insult you, that you'll see who has the last laugh when they are in hospital with a stroke or heart atttack.
Keep up the great work!0 -
Wow - that's a little harsh.
But people who are unable/unwilling to make changes often take it out on those who have. Before I started my weight loss journey, I had a friend who had gotten into amazing shape. I (unfortunately) said (often) that I wouldn't want to look like her, that she was crazy for working out all the time, etc. Now that I've started my own journey, I've found that I have a similar drive that she has and she has become one of my biggest cheerleaders. I just was keeping myself in denial previously, because I was depressed about my weight and didn't want to acknowledge it.
And my in-laws have become a little touchy on the subject of weight too. My daughter spent the night with them recently and came home with an entire pizza, a box of cookies, and a bunch of gummy snacks. Uh.....no thanks! We don't eat like that at home. But it just comes from their insecurity that my husband and I are achieving goals that they haven't ever been able to. So, I try to let it slide. Of course, they have never actually commented on my body.
I think you need to have your husband tell them to stop insulting you. But other than that, you'll just have to learn to live with it. Because honestly, it's their problem. And they have to live with that (weight) for the rest of their lives, unless they are willing to suck it up and do the work.0 -
They can't MAKE you feel anything ...... just ignore it ...... smile & continue to say "no, thanks" to the junkfood .....
Congrats on the weight loss, by the way :drinker:
^^ i agree with this
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woops
double post0 -
I'm not thin in the slightest. I'm 5'2" and weigh 168lbs. But last year I weighed 217lbs. When I initially lost the weight people were telling me I look tired and gaunt because I've always been big. And as I continue to lose weight people are telling me I don't look good. But I don't want to be overweight or obese, I want to be a healthy weight for my heat and age.
If you feel better at the weight you are, don't worry what other people have to say.0 -
You're so short and cute (fun-size), you are probably eating the right amount for your weight and you do a good job on fruits and vegetables. I looked over your diary, and the only thing that I see worrisome is not enough calcium intake. Your bones are already in the state of losing more bone than building, as it starts at age 30. You do eat some dairy products sometimes, but sometimes full days go by without any. Osteoporosis is a horrible disease.
My daughter is also a little thing and received comments like that too, I told her to just ignore them. They are the ones with the health problems, not her. If everyone who was at the right weight logged in every day and made an effort just to maintain their weight as you are doing, they would not be fat.
They just don't understand. So if I were you, just fill up your plate and just pretend you are eating alot. Then they will leave you alone. Ask for doggie bags of food for later (which your husband can eat) so they can feel that their cooking effort is appreciated. And if that doesn't work, xerox a chart of healthy weights and show it to them. Keep it in your wallet.
RuthHere's a little background info:
I recently got married and lost about 23 lbs. over about 6 months. I have done this in a very healthy way, by working out 5-7 hours a week and counting calories. I have been getting mostly compliments from people in regards to my weight loss. Recently I started receiving some comments that I just don't know how to deal with. Before I get to that here on some of my weight loss stats so you can get an idea of how I look.
Age: 32
Height: 5'0"
CW: 111 (on a good day, this fluctuates)
SW: 134
GW: 105
Waist: 27
Hips: 34
Healthy weight range for my height: 95-128 lbs
So I have been getting comments from my husband's family (mother and grandma) that I am "so skinny" and "when am I going to gain weight now that the wedding is over." This weekend, his grandmother freaked out when she found out that I had worked out prior to coming over. She said "Oh my god, you are STILL working out? Stop losing weight." I swear I thought she was going to cry. They continued to try and feed me a bunch of junk food all day long. Every time I would say no they would just sigh.
I'm incredulous. I still have a little bit of a belly as well as thickish thighs and some areas here and there that I'm not happy with. These women are very overweight themselves. My husband said not to worry that they are just being "Italian mothers" and that I am not too skinny and please don't listen to them. I'm proud of the weight I have lost and finally am feeling good about myself. I am upset that I am being criticized and to feel guilty about being healthy and fit. How do other people handle these kind of comments and behaviors? I don't know how to placate them. The first words out of their mouths when I came over was look how skinny I am. How is this acceptable behavior? If I said to them, please stop eating that you're too fat, I'd get slapped in the face. How is it okay to make me feel horrible for being "thin?"
If you look at my profile pictures, btw, the only recent one is the wedding one. The others were taken pre-weight loss and at in-between stages.
Thanks!!0 -
I think you look amazing and I know how you feel...when I lost a lot of weight, I had comments saying Im too skinny and people would actually pick on me for eating healthy...I felt like I never fit in and certain friends didn't want to be around me anymore because of how I looked. So I gave up and gained some weight back and now they seem happier with me.
Its sad how people can't support you, but I'm back on the wagon today and I need support. DONT LISTEN TO THEM LIKE I DID0 -
Remember: "Obsessed" is a word used by the lazy to describe the dedicated.
Well said0 -
I don't think it's a malicious attempt to sabtoge your efforts, or that they're jealous. Your husband already meantioned the answer. They're just being a product of their culture. They don't value being thin and healthy so why would they be jealous? In their culture (as well as ours) love = food. It is what it is. As people who do care about being healthy we're the ones that have to adapt if we want to reach our goals.
Next time you're around the inlaws I would try and corner both of them and explain how you feel, and that in the future it would be nice if they would respect that. Beyond that, just be proud of your body transformation and that you know that what you're doing is effective and don't let anyone deter you.0 -
How about replying, "Thank you! That's what I'm going for!!" or, "Bless your heart, you realize you just said that out loud?"
Either one makes the point.0 -
Here's a little background info:
I recently got married and lost about 23 lbs. over about 6 months. I have done this in a very healthy way, by working out 5-7 hours a week and counting calories. I have been getting mostly compliments from people in regards to my weight loss. Recently I started receiving some comments that I just don't know how to deal with. Before I get to that here on some of my weight loss stats so you can get an idea of how I look.
Age: 32
Height: 5'0"
CW: 111 (on a good day, this fluctuates)
SW: 134
GW: 105
Waist: 27
Hips: 34
Healthy weight range for my height: 95-128 lbs
So I have been getting comments from my husband's family (mother and grandma) that I am "so skinny" and "when am I going to gain weight now that the wedding is over." This weekend, his grandmother freaked out when she found out that I had worked out prior to coming over. She said "Oh my god, you are STILL working out? Stop losing weight." I swear I thought she was going to cry. They continued to try and feed me a bunch of junk food all day long. Every time I would say no they would just sigh.
I'm incredulous. I still have a little bit of a belly as well as thickish thighs and some areas here and there that I'm not happy with. These women are very overweight themselves. My husband said not to worry that they are just being "Italian mothers" and that I am not too skinny and please don't listen to them. I'm proud of the weight I have lost and finally am feeling good about myself. I am upset that I am being criticized and to feel guilty about being healthy and fit. How do other people handle these kind of comments and behaviors? I don't know how to placate them. The first words out of their mouths when I came over was look how skinny I am. How is this acceptable behavior? If I said to them, please stop eating that you're too fat, I'd get slapped in the face. How is it okay to make me feel horrible for being "thin?"
If you look at my profile pictures, btw, the only recent one is the wedding one. The others were taken pre-weight loss and at in-between stages.
Thanks!!
It's so awesome and inspiring that you've reached your goal. My only advice is this. Get a tougher skin. I've been married 14 years and have had so many "comments" in those years. You will never please them. They complain that your too skinny now and then when you have a baby they'll tell you your too fat. It's a generational thing. It's not right but it's a way they feel more empowered about their own appearance. Just always be polite. Every family get together there is a passive aggressive jibe. I've finally realized its not me it's them. Just always be polite because your husband will get the brunt of it. Good luck.0 -
Thanks for all of the great advice and compliments! I really appreciate the support. I love being able to come here and talk to like-minded people who understand what I am going through. Also, everyone had some great ideas! I will think about carrying around a chart of some sort so I can whip that out at the next gathering haha. I do also worry about how they will be with our future children as far as food is concerned. I'm sure this will be an ongoing thing as I've never been "fat" I can't see myself tolerating it with a smile for long. I will probably have to put my foot down at some point in time.
Oh to the comment about calcium, I don't really do much dairy because I have a tolerance issue. I take a multi-vitamin every day as well as have almond milk with my oatmeal every morning.
Thanks again to all of the responses to this! :flowerforyou:0 -
Welcome to the club, haha.
Funny how people have no problem coming up to you and saying "You've lost too much weight!" or "Is something wrong?" would NEVER go up to someone they haven't seen in a while and say "Damn, you're fat!" or "More salad, less dressing!"....
Remember: "Obsessed" is a word used by the lazy to describe the dedicated.
You haven't met my inlaws.
Nfgchick, wait until they start talking about bathroom/digestive issues or medications, then you can slide in there with "That's why I am choosing to eat healthy"0 -
People who do not have the motivation to do what you work so hard to maintain/lose, tend to want you to join them in their sorrows.0
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Your success is a constant reminder of their failure.
IGNORE THEM!0 -
I don't know if it would work for your family but I would try to explain that I am not trying to lose weight rather I am trying to firm up certain areas with my workouts and watching what I am eating. Just a thought. Hope it helps. Be well and stay strong.0
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You don't live with them so what ever.
Also, if they force you to eat..eat a little bit0 -
My friend had the same problem with her in-laws. She told them the doctor had told her to keep to a healthy weight so she was in the best health for future babies. They accepted that!0
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I would just tell them that you are following your doctor's suggestions.0
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Funny thing is when I was growing up if you were on the thicker side everyone commented on how healthy you looked. Seriously, I came from a family of 5 kids and can't tell you how often I heard people say, "what a healthy looking family." Well looking back it's no wonder I keep stuffing my face! I think in a lot of older people especially and with different nationalities it is considered healthy.
Don't let that make you feel bad. Just politely decline food you don't want. When they say you are too skinny say something like the doctor thinks I am almost to where I should be. Smile and continue on.0 -
My mom did the same thing to me when I was about 10-15 lbs shy of my goal weight. I think part of it is what your husband said- they are just being "italian mothers" and the other part of it is people don't like change. I don't think in reality that they are trying to burst your bubble or upset you, they just see you shrinking before their eyes and they're not used to it. Over time they will get used to seeing the new thin you and it won't be so "shocking" anymore.
Good job btw!
I LOVE what this poster said and totally agree. They are not trying to hurt you they just need to get used to you. I think it is great that you lost your weight! Congrats!0 -
I've had people that only knew me when I was fat tell me I look weird thin. When I got laser eye surgery people told me I looked weird without glasses. A person you only see wearing flip-flops and shorts looks weird in a suit.
Often folks have an internal image of you and when you look different their brain interprets this as "strange". Unfortunately, well-meaning and sometimes not so well-meaning people don't recognize this for what it is and often make inappropriate comments. Welcome to life.0 -
I have to be VERY vocal about it and a bit forceful. Over the weekend, DH's aunt practically tried to pour sweet tea down my throat after I respectfully declined it 3 times. My MIL tries to constantly send platefuls of crap home with me, but she is finally getting the message that I do not want or need a plate full of cheesecake in my house. Don't be afraid to speak up for yourself. They might not be meaning to hurt you or upset you, but they are, and this is not okay.0
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