I just feel so disgusting and ugly right now

KittleCakes
KittleCakes Posts: 7
in Motivation and Support
I was with my ex husband for four and a half years before I fould out that he wasn't attracted to me anymore - or in his words - not in love with me anymore because I was too fat. At this time, I had gone from 262 (wedding day) to 235 (day he told me that.) I left and basically starved/purged myself down to 219. At this weight I met my current boyfriend who seemed to be everything that my ex husband was not. I started eating again and gained some weight back, and at 233, found out I was pregnant. I am now at 242, and am just shy of 24 weeks pregnant. Tonight my new boyfriend, trying to be nice, told me that he was most attacted to my intelligence, and that he would be more attracted to me physically if I lost weight.

I don't know if it's the pregnancy making me feel so miserable, or if it's my own fault for being such a fatass.

I came across this website in search for answers.

Maybe someone has one for me.
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Replies

  • SwindonJogger
    SwindonJogger Posts: 325 Member
    how do YOU feel about your body? Are you happy at your current weight or would YOU like to be slimmer?
  • jennaryan1205
    jennaryan1205 Posts: 43 Member
    Honey, you're carrying a baby! Weight gain is expected. Continue to eat healthy and exercise to keep you and baby as happy and healthy as possible. That should be you main concern right now. Tell you boyfriend that considering the fact that not only are you carrying around and nurturing another human being right now, but also may be a tad hormonal. You need his love and support, and if he can't give you that tell him to kick rocks.
  • Justkeepswimmin
    Justkeepswimmin Posts: 777 Member
    Wow he appears to be a sensitive guy with **** for timing. You're pregnant and gained 11 lbs since he made you that way? WTH. I'm not saying lose weight after the baby for health or whatever reasons but he kind of seems like an immature insensitive bleep.
  • KittleCakes
    KittleCakes Posts: 7
    I was feeling really great until he said that. I was starting to feel really good about myself, but then finding out he has the same thoughts as my ex husband - everything that I went through with the divorce came flooding back. Just feeling like the ugliest, most unlovable person in the world right now. It's hard to tell that from how I really feel about myself. My weight and the issues surrounding it have been so much of my identity for so long, that for a brief moment in time, I was starting to develop thoughts about myself that didn't have anything to do with my weight. Like seeing myself as a strong person who left someone who made me feel unnattractive and put down (for many reasons, not just my weight), and seeing myself as a mommy, someone growing a human life inside me. And then out of no-where, I feel reverted back to that pitiful, insecure, obsessed about my weight version of myself, and it's hard to change out of that thinking. Like, how can I trust the father of my child, who in the last 8 months has not said or done one thing to make me feel less than amazing in his eyes - after finding out that he has the same issue with my appearance as everyone else in the world?
  • Lozze
    Lozze Posts: 1,917 Member
    You need to tell HIM this. Go to him right now and tell him what you've written. He needs to know what his words have done to you. He needs to feel like the *kitten* that he is.

    Do not worry about your weight right now. Worry about feeding your body healthy, nutritious foods that nurture you and your baby. Be as healthy as you can.
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,329 Member
    i think the real question you should be asking yourself is why are you not only attracting to a*holes but also OK with allowing them into your life on a long term basis..

    yeah these guys are a*hols, but sorry sis some part of you knew that when you were getting into the relationship, so why are you surprised when they act like a*holes..

    like my great granny used to say, you can't polish a turd, so dont even bother taking it out of the toilet bowl
  • Finally22
    Finally22 Posts: 305 Member
    You need to tell HIM this. Go to him right now and tell him what you've written. He needs to know what his words have done to you. He needs to feel like the *kitten* that he is.

    Do not worry about your weight right now. Worry about feeding your body healthy, nutritious foods that nurture you and your baby. Be as healthy as you can.

    Exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Lozze
    Lozze Posts: 1,917 Member
    yeah these guys are a*hols, but sorry sis some part of you knew that when you were getting into the relationship, so why are you surprised when they act like a*holes..

    I don't think that's fair. From her posts the guy she's with now has never displayed this before. Sometimes people will blindside you after you've known them a long time.
  • MindyG150
    MindyG150 Posts: 1,296 Member
    I was newly married when I found out I was pregnant, I was already heavy and had no idea how I was going to keep from gaining 50 pounds....I went for my first appointment at the clinic we were part of and got SUPER lucky...there was a nutritionist there. She helped me stay healthy for the next 6 months and all the while only gaining a total of 10 pounds. I really felt like I was doing the very best I could for my own health and my baby too. Labor was easy, in part I feel because I got into great shape by walking every day.

    With that said, you have no control of what others say or do, you only have control of yourself and how you allow others to treat you. If you don't speak up for yourself chances are others won't either and you'll continue to feel like this. Stand up, put on your walkin shoes and start moving. every step, block and mile you do will empower you to be a stronger person. Start today and don't look back!
  • notnormallyacaloriecounter
    notnormallyacaloriecounter Posts: 71 Member
    have you talked to him about your ex husband and what he said to you? i would have a calm (if possible) discussion with him about how it hurts to have him say that to you. and for goodness sakes, you're carrying his child! he wouldn't want you depriving the baby of what it needs would he? and weight loss is something you have to do for yourself, you can't do it to make someone else happy or you'll never be successful. if he still insists on you losing weight, in my opinion, you should kick his *kitten* to the curb, because losing weight won't change who you are, and if who you are isn't enough for him then he doesn't deserve you. keep your head up, darlin'.
  • Pimpmonkey
    Pimpmonkey Posts: 566
    Honey, you're carrying a baby! Weight gain is expected. Continue to eat healthy and exercise to keep you and baby as happy and healthy as possible. That should be you main concern right now. Tell you boyfriend that considering the fact that not only are you carrying around and nurturing another human being right now, but also may be a tad hormonal. You need his love and support, and if he can't give you that tell him to kick rocks.


    Amen
  • FiercelyBeautiful
    FiercelyBeautiful Posts: 590 Member
    You are a beautiful woman!!!!! And I totally mean that, go look at yourself in the mirror!
  • Lolli1986
    Lolli1986 Posts: 500 Member
    yeah these guys are a*hols, but sorry sis some part of you knew that when you were getting into the relationship, so why are you surprised when they act like a*holes..

    I don't think that's fair. From her posts the guy she's with now has never displayed this before. Sometimes people will blindside you after you've known them a long time.

    yes, indeed!

    i think in this case i'd go the 'pull your head in, mate, i'm pregnant - now is not the time to be losing weight and it is certainly not the time to be bringing it up!'

    you're not disgusting! :)
  • Beezil
    Beezil Posts: 1,677 Member
    First of all, IF you really want to lose weight, you need to wait until you've had your baby before doing anything drastic. Secondly, IF you really want to lose weight, you NEED to make sure you're doing it completely and entirely for YOU. Not for someone else. That will get you nowhere and certainly will not make you happy. Appearance and health are two different things, but both can have equal importance in a person's life. Until YOU are happy with those two things, you cannot expect anyone else to be. So the question is, are you? And if you are, you must find the right person for you, who also feels happy with you just the way you are.

    If your mate is not attracted to you when you are overweight, I suppose at least he is honest about it. It hurt me something awful when my husband admitted finally to me that if I gained much more weight, he wouldn't be as (sexually) attracted to me anymore. It hurt, but it also gave me one more good reason to get in shape and get healthy. Now, granted, he would never have said such a thing to me during my pregnancy, for fear of being punched in the nose. But, depending on how long you've been with this new guy, maybe he was just trying to "nip it in the bud" as they say, and give you a kindly heads up for after you've had your baby and recovered. Not the nicest way to go about it or the best timing, but hey, it's possible he had purely good intentions. Give him the benefit of a doubt, TALK TO HIM, and don't beat yourself up over gaining weight while you're pregnant!!! Much love and luck to you, hon. :heart:
  • kdeaux1959
    kdeaux1959 Posts: 2,675 Member
    I am so sorry these people have hurt you like this. You deserve better than that. Right now, your primary concern has to be to do the things that will provide your unborn child the healthiest prenatal environment; after that, you can work on YOU... But do it for YOUR sake, not for theirs. Both of these men have been insensitive to you and while your current BF recognizes your intelligence and is attracted to that, he was most insensitive to tell a 24 week pregnant woman something like that. Dieting cannot be your concern at the moment. Afterward, you need to do it for your health's sake... but he either loves you for YOU... or he does not love you at all... May seem harsh but he really needs a reality check on this. Please realize, YOU are NOT the problem here.. They are the ones that need the reality check. Best wishes on your pregnancy and your future fitness goals...
  • Suzannejl
    Suzannejl Posts: 212
    You are a beautiful woman! Don't let yourself forget that. My kids remind me of that when I put on makeup. Mom you're prettier without it! That's LOVE, cuz I know better! beauty is in the eye of the beholder

    Now to make those beautiful babies you need to be healthy yourself. Eat healthy, exercise healthy and get your beauty sleep. Beware those baby pounds, don't get carried away with the oh I can eat whatever I want cuz I'm PG. The baby only weighs around 10# with placenta, etc. Boobs alone can become quite heafty each! Don't binge, don't purge, just be healthy! And guess what, nursing that beautiful baby will help you lose weight too! My favorite method of burning calories todate was nursing my babies! My Mom had B cancer so the dr.s had me nurse each for 2 years, but the 2nd year is more just comfort Morn and night....but still burns cal!

    so bottom line. don't worry, be happy, but beware this man that criticizes your baby making weight! Talk to him, but take care of yourself. And, let him know pg women are hormonal and easily upset! Or better yet, tell his MOM what he said!!!! LOL Or any formerly PG couples! They will help put him in his place.

    If this behavior persists,you must ask yourself"Is this man right for me and my child?" If you had issues w ur weight growing up, chances are your child might too. How will he treat them? Criticize them too, instead of bolster and support? Must ask these future questions as well. You have to look out for what environment you want your child raised?

    sorry for such seriousness. I honestly pray for the best for you and your growing family!
  • valeriejbardini
    valeriejbardini Posts: 29
    Congratulations on your pregnancy enjoy it!
    I reckon this guy triggered the pain you had experienced before, men have a tendency to be tactless with their honesty and sometimes too honest!!!! When we have been hurt before we can be super sensitive to any comments regarding the issue.
    Don't make this guy pay for the pain that your ex caused you. Your guy is with you because he wants to be, unfortunately sometimes to a man this should be enough to show his commitment. Be careful not to make your weight an issue in this relationship. Learn to except yourself completely for who you are, as this is what he fell for in the first place..right? The only way you can lose weight and keep it off is if you do it for you, nobody else, its true that you can feel sexier and your libido can improve by losing weight, as well as all the other health benefits too, so go for it, but do it for you.
  • fteale
    fteale Posts: 5,310 Member
    While it's never nice to hear, it is perfectly reasonable to be attracted to someone who is a healthy weight/shape. You are pregnant, it's ok for him not to find you physically that attractive right now! My husband used to say I was "occupied". Pregnancy really isn't a sexy look, and with good biological reason. But that's ok, because your boyfriend loves you, and you are having a baby together and once it's born you can think about getting healthy again. Right now, there are more important things than attractiveness, you are making a little human!
  • BerryH
    BerryH Posts: 4,698 Member
    Like, how can I trust the father of my child, who in the last 8 months has not said or done one thing to make me feel less than amazing in his eyes - after finding out that he has the same issue with my appearance as everyone else in the world?
    He still thinks you're amazing! He let something slip out when he wasn't thinking, may even have thought he was being supportive by saying he's attracted to your intelligence as you're worried about putting on weight and becoming less attractive when pregnant.
  • amy1612
    amy1612 Posts: 1,356 Member
    Im going to play devils advocte here and be a little mean. Youve been through a tough time with youre ex, but now you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and step up. Yes, what your partner said was unthoughtful and unkind, but he's probably just looking out for you, and doesnt want you to think just because you're pregnant you shouldnt still focus on being a healthy weight.

    I think you should use it to fuel yourself....youre going to have a child...a miserable, self-pitying mother is not a good role model. Stop feeling like the world is judging you and be healthy! A child needs a strong mother, not one who breaks into pieces when they gain criticism from others. Im not saying these things to be nasty, just to try and spur you on to make YOURSELF happy, no-one can do it for you, but stop being a victim.
  • MaretL
    MaretL Posts: 50 Member
    I reckon this guy triggered the pain you had experienced before, men have a tendency to be tactless with their honesty and sometimes too honest!!!! When we have been hurt before we can be super sensitive to any comments regarding the issue.

    Agree with that! I totally understand how painful these words must have been for you and nobody should ever say these things to anybody really but then it happens that men sometimes just don't realize the impact of their words. Please tell him how you felt!!! I'm so sure he didn't really mean to hurt you that much!!

    Big hugs for that beautiful time of carrying that tiny little person inside you. I had a look on your pics and honey bunny - YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! You suppose to gain some weight with pregnancy. Go to him, give him a kiss and tell him that his words really hurt you before. I so hope the situation will lighten up real soon and you two can enjoy that special time 100%.
  • Emilit_uk
    Emilit_uk Posts: 87
    If it means anything I think you're really pretty. i know you have to be comfortable in your own skin though, dispite what others tell you. No advice here, just wishing you the best of luck on your journey
  • ramgi
    ramgi Posts: 196 Member
    I know you've been hurt but the main thing is how you feel about yourself. Do you love the way you look? If so, don't change it, If you're unhappy then you have the power to change. It sounds like you need a big hug!
  • ramgi
    ramgi Posts: 196 Member
    I agree with everyone who says your baby should be your biggest concern.
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,329 Member
    yeah these guys are a*hols, but sorry sis some part of you knew that when you were getting into the relationship, so why are you surprised when they act like a*holes..

    I don't think that's fair. From her posts the guy she's with now has never displayed this before. Sometimes people will blindside you after you've known them a long time.
    impossible.. unless they are psychopaths or sociopaths which is very rare. regular a*holes always show you who they are from the beginning but sometimes people overlook warning signs...

    and even if they both were psycho/socio paths, the question still holds and the OP needs to ask herself why is she attracted to socio/psychopaths.

    i'm not trying to be mean or unfair?, but just saying that the bigger issue, IMO, isn't whether or not she needs to lose weight while she's pregnant - which is obviously a no.
  • Sabresgal63
    Sabresgal63 Posts: 641 Member
    Oh my gosh honey.......first off, you are beautiful and I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. It sounds to me like you have been in a relationship where you were always put down or made to feel bad about yourself. We are all on here for a reason. Stress, self esteem and bad situations seem to be one of the major causes of overeating. I have been there with all three. Find some positive affirmations online and print them out. You need to believe that you are beautiful and not disqusting.............Truly, a good and wonderful "other half" would accept and love you just the way you are...........Good luck sweetie!:heart::bigsmile:
  • spikefoot
    spikefoot Posts: 419
    Pregnant or not that would be upsetting.

    Is he typically a well meaning guy? The only reason I ask is because sometimes stuff comes out really wrong when guys think it is a compliment. For example "I love your body, but your personality sucks really bad" is almost more offensive.

    I am a big fan of total honesty and openness in a relationship. Sometimes it is harsh and the timing is off.... I once offended an entire table at a wedding when I said I don't lie to my wife if she asks if a certain outfit looks good or not... or "does this make me look fat".

    I am not trying to defend inappropriate behavior but I am the king of screwing up compliments and I am a pretty laid back, nice guy. :)
  • tonyote40
    tonyote40 Posts: 30
    I have so been there. I always had a issue with my weight. In high school & college I dated some guys who made me feel like by body was never good enough. I went through the not eating, purging & laxatives. I was very thin when I married and got pregnant with my first son. When you are pregnant it is totally normal to feel huge and uncomfrontable, but your are going a miracle in your body. I was at least 20 pounds over weight when I got pregnant with my second child. I remembering feeling so fat and ugly. My husband, I swear can eat whatever he wants and not gain any weight, but he always tells me how beautiful and sexy I am. I realize now that you have to be comfrontable in you who you are and most of the time it is your own self image that needs the working on, not your body. Get that in check and the rest of it falls into place. Just enjoy the moment right now, you can work on your weight when you are chasing that little bundle of joy around. Stay strong!
  • beauty2323
    beauty2323 Posts: 70 Member
    First thing first you need to love you.... you need to love you regardless of how you look! OWN THAT *kitten*! Both your ex husband & boyfriend began a relationship with you while you were this weight.
    It is possible to lose weight while pregnant... (look it up)
    Don't diet... exercise & speak to your doctor before anything.

    You are a natural beauty & now is not the time to be doubting yourself. You have to be strong for yourself & your baby. Those comments your boyfriend are making are not helpful. I don't know if you asked him "are you happy with my body" or whatever.... but men tend to say things without thinking & it sounds meaner than they meant it.

    For anyone bashing your boyfriend/ baby's father its really not something you need to hear right now. You need to try to make it work with him.... tell him what he said was hurtful & how emotional you are right now. Tell him how his support is needed .... & how you are unhappy with your weight & will start the process but being pregnant is not the time to be starting any vigorous workouts. You hope he loves you regardless of your weight & that he will be here for you & your baby.
  • RichardCMolloy
    RichardCMolloy Posts: 130 Member
    First of all, you are a very beautiful girl. No matter what you may think or feel...speaking as a guy here you are beautiful.

    Also speaking as a guy here, what he said may have been different from what he was thinking. Us guys tend to say stupid things sometimes. One question that all us guys fear is when a woman asks us if we think she looks fat....There is no answer to this question that will not make the man look like a jerk! He may have sensed that if he said that you looked hot to him, that you'd snap back & yell at him. I know from experience here when my ex wife was pregnant.

    So, my advice is to worry about the health of you & your child. Listen to the advice of your doctors about your weight, not us here. Make sure that you give that angel growing inside of you all the nutrition it needs to be healthy.

    Best of luck with your baby. I know that my 2 are the best thing that ever happened to me. My babies are 14 & 10 yr olds now :)

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