Not cut out for online dating
NamibianRose
Posts: 151 Member
Ok...so I know this isn't a dating site, but love visiting the forums and reading all ya'll's post so thought I'd get some input from others out there.
One, I think the fact that I'm overweight completely gives me a handicap in the dating world in general, and online dating in particular. I mean, your photo is the first thing people tend to look at and if you don't catch their attraction in that glance, they'll like skip right over you, whether it's your weight or general looks. Also, I have looked at numerous profiles that list the body type of folks they are looking for and many don't even list "a few extra pounds", about average is as high as they will go. NOW, I'm not saying they are wrong in any way, you are attracted to who you are attracted to, I'm just pointing out that I'm starting at a disadvantage, or say, smaller dating pool already.
Second, and this is absolutely general...I just don't think I'm cut out for it at all. It's just too much pressure, I guess? You meet someone and it's for the expressed purpose of dating. There's no wiggle room. Whereas a lot of times you meet people while you're out and about or through a friend and you get to know each other, and either you never speak to them, you become friends, or maybe you find a spark. There's no pressure of...the only reason I'm talking to you is to see if you're date-worthy to my standards lol. I had a friend go on a date, and because she was fatter than he expected, he just didn't want anything to do with her. Ouch. Just seems like stress and heartache to me!
Also, online dating is can be so flaky. Someone asks for your email or phone number, and then you never hear from them again. Then you're left wondering, wth? And I *hate* feeling that way. I don't want to wonder about someone I previously didn't care two craps about, but now wondering what happened, what I did wrong, or if they just found someone else they liked better. And that's another thing, with online dating, you can be pretty sure the person you're talking to, is talking to others as well, and then they might just *poof*...I mean, I get that the flexibility and the ability to talk to multiple people is part of the appeal, but I hate that feeling where you get to know someone and think you could like them, then you see that they are online and you wonder...or is that just me?
Am I just too sensitive? And what can I do to become less sensitive? Has anyone done the online dating thing and have any tips? How have those of you who have done the online dating thing manage to survive the experience. I feel like it really can be self-esteem crushing lol.
One, I think the fact that I'm overweight completely gives me a handicap in the dating world in general, and online dating in particular. I mean, your photo is the first thing people tend to look at and if you don't catch their attraction in that glance, they'll like skip right over you, whether it's your weight or general looks. Also, I have looked at numerous profiles that list the body type of folks they are looking for and many don't even list "a few extra pounds", about average is as high as they will go. NOW, I'm not saying they are wrong in any way, you are attracted to who you are attracted to, I'm just pointing out that I'm starting at a disadvantage, or say, smaller dating pool already.
Second, and this is absolutely general...I just don't think I'm cut out for it at all. It's just too much pressure, I guess? You meet someone and it's for the expressed purpose of dating. There's no wiggle room. Whereas a lot of times you meet people while you're out and about or through a friend and you get to know each other, and either you never speak to them, you become friends, or maybe you find a spark. There's no pressure of...the only reason I'm talking to you is to see if you're date-worthy to my standards lol. I had a friend go on a date, and because she was fatter than he expected, he just didn't want anything to do with her. Ouch. Just seems like stress and heartache to me!
Also, online dating is can be so flaky. Someone asks for your email or phone number, and then you never hear from them again. Then you're left wondering, wth? And I *hate* feeling that way. I don't want to wonder about someone I previously didn't care two craps about, but now wondering what happened, what I did wrong, or if they just found someone else they liked better. And that's another thing, with online dating, you can be pretty sure the person you're talking to, is talking to others as well, and then they might just *poof*...I mean, I get that the flexibility and the ability to talk to multiple people is part of the appeal, but I hate that feeling where you get to know someone and think you could like them, then you see that they are online and you wonder...or is that just me?
Am I just too sensitive? And what can I do to become less sensitive? Has anyone done the online dating thing and have any tips? How have those of you who have done the online dating thing manage to survive the experience. I feel like it really can be self-esteem crushing lol.
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Replies
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Online dating, is simply put... not for you. Don't do it.
You have to have a backbone of steel to put up with it, IMO. And it just doesn't sound like you're there and able to let rejection or poor commentary roll off.
There is, I believe, a dating site for those that are overweight specifically. That might be something you'd feel more comfortable with at this point if you REALLY want to try the online thing.
But, there's something to be said for the old fashioned route... ya know, running your cart into someone else's at the grocery store ;-)0 -
Online dating, is simply put... not for you. Don't do it.
You have to have a backbone of steel to put up with it, IMO. And it just doesn't sound like you're there and able to let rejection or poor commentary roll off.
There is, I believe, a dating site for those that are overweight specifically. That might be something you'd feel more comfortable with at this point if you REALLY want to try the online thing.
But, there's something to be said for the old fashioned route... ya know, running your cart into someone else's at the grocery store ;-)
I've heard that online dating "can be brutal", but decided to try it. The thing is, I generally have very thick skin. I just think the online dating scene is odd and feels like a meat market LOL. And I feel ill-equipped to deal with the quirks of it all. I know a girl who has been asked for her number, email, dates etc, and then the guy flaked on them. It was reassuring to hear, that that type of behavior is somewhat 'normal' for this type of thing.0 -
Online dating, is simply put... not for you. Don't do it.
You have to have a backbone of steel to put up with it, IMO. And it just doesn't sound like you're there and able to let rejection or poor commentary roll off.
There is, I believe, a dating site for those that are overweight specifically. That might be something you'd feel more comfortable with at this point if you REALLY want to try the online thing.
But, there's something to be said for the old fashioned route... ya know, running your cart into someone else's at the grocery store ;-)
I've heard that online dating "can be brutal", but decided to try it. The thing is, I generally have very thick skin. I just think the online dating scene is odd and feels like a meat market LOL. And I feel ill-equipped to deal with the quirks of it all. I know a girl who has been asked for her number, email, dates etc, and then the guy flaked on them. It was reassuring to hear, that that type of behavior is somewhat 'normal' for this type of thing.
In real life, I don't look much like this gorgeous puppy. But I am tall, average build and not totally despicable looking. I have met a few great guys online that I remain friends with. However? I have encountered more creepy *kitten* than it's worth. It's time consuming and annoying as sin most days *LOL* I keep hoping to find the right fit, but I can only handle the online scene a couple weeks at a time before I need a break. It's exhausting. Play it by ear and leave when you want! Good luck.0 -
I tried it and completely didn't like it. I did feel it was like standing in line picking which one you thought wasn't crazy, was your type, was good looking, etc etc. I just really like the old fashioned way of meeting people. i gave up on it, the time I spent online I could have been here or at the gym!0
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I think dating is tough whether it's online or not. The same crap you deal with meeting someone on the street is the same crap you deal with online dating. Can you believe I was rejected by a "big girl" because I was slim and in good shape? She just had a preference for bigger guys but that's not what she said on her profile. It's a crapshoot either way but I do know that eventually you will get to the man right for you when the time is right.0
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I've always been curious to try online dating but i feel that, since i've never even been on a date before, it'd be kinda weird to try as a first.0
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Online dating, is simply put... not for you. Don't do it.
You have to have a backbone of steel to put up with it, IMO. And it just doesn't sound like you're there and able to let rejection or poor commentary roll off.
There is, I believe, a dating site for those that are overweight specifically. That might be something you'd feel more comfortable with at this point if you REALLY want to try the online thing.
But, there's something to be said for the old fashioned route... ya know, running your cart into someone else's at the grocery store ;-)
I've heard that online dating "can be brutal", but decided to try it. The thing is, I generally have very thick skin. I just think the online dating scene is odd and feels like a meat market LOL. And I feel ill-equipped to deal with the quirks of it all. I know a girl who has been asked for her number, email, dates etc, and then the guy flaked on them. It was reassuring to hear, that that type of behavior is somewhat 'normal' for this type of thing.
In real life, I don't look much like this gorgeous puppy. But I am tall, average build and not totally despicable looking. I have met a few great guys online that I remain friends with. However? I have encountered more creepy *kitten* than it's worth. It's time consuming and annoying as sin most days *LOL* I keep hoping to find the right fit, but I can only handle the online scene a couple weeks at a time before I need a break. It's exhausting. Play it by ear and leave when you want! Good luck.
Amen to the creep *kitten* comment. There are some really strange, strange folks tromping around online LOL. And I guess that's the other thing I forgot, take out all the creeps and weirdos, and yes I am purely making this judgement from their profiles (or weird freaky pics), but exclude those, and then the guys who only want "the athletic, tone, slender" guys, and there aren't many left. BUT, another thing to add is the general dating market in my town is slim to begin with. I guess I need to give it a little longer before completely deciding to trash the whole idea.
Thanks for replying odusgolp!0 -
If you want to feel more comfortable with still feeling like a big girl - there is a BBW site where guys prefer larger women. But I am unsure if you are able and ready for that since you have rejection issues. Online dating is not easy, and one needs thick skin to put up with it.0
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I tried it and completely didn't like it. I did feel it was like standing in line picking which one you thought wasn't crazy, was your type, was good looking, etc etc. I just really like the old fashioned way of meeting people. i gave up on it, the time I spent online I could have been here or at the gym!
This was me and most the guys on there were creepy.0 -
I met the love of my life on POF.com. It was definitely a new experience for me but it was worth it.0
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Well, there are niche dating sites that cater to larger people... so you can find guys that like big girls - as long as you don't mind dating a bigger guy.One, I think the fact that I'm overweight completely gives me a handicap in the dating world in general, and online dating in particular.0 -
Online dating blows.
Ironically I met my SO on MFP.0 -
I met my husband playing online games. We talked a year before we met face to face.
We've been together now for 16 years. We met the first day and haven't been apart since....so I guess it could work.
It's like anything else....it works for some and not so much for others. My hubby and I started out as friends...in truth I had no intentions of being in a relationship with him until we met.
Either way you should be cautious - there are a lot of creepy people out there.0 -
Online dating = Window shopping for guys (or girls)
You look at the picture "aka the merchandise" and then you look at the price tag "aka profile"
Make decision from there....end of story,
Sure some people try to haggle on the price but in the end that's what the hokey pokey is all about.
Simply put, Eharmony is a crock of *kitten* and all the other ones are too. :noway: Can't you tell I'm a little bitter about it? :grumble: LOL
My experience is I was on there way too long. I met a handfull of of those sites, some were ok, others make good horror stories.
I hope to never have to go back to it. My bf now, I met by pure accident and I love the story. I was very lucky.
Some people aren't made to find someone online, but I say try it if you never have, you'll at least get a good laugh.0 -
i did the online dating thing several years ago. one of the guys i met picked me up in a jeep that had giant tusks affixed to the front, and then after our date sent flowers and a teddy bear to my work with a note that said "CONGRATS ON THE NEW BABY!"
um. what?
fast forward a year or two later after giving up online dating/dating in general, and i met my husband. on myspace. yep. married 5 years with a 2.5 year old son and one on the way!
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I met my hubby online in an IRC chat room. He needed help opening a file ( he was new to computers) ....and we celebrated our 12 anniversary in June. I think no matter how you meet someone...when your ready you will know.0
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Yeah, that really DOES about sum it up :laugh:Online dating = Window shopping for guys (or girls)
You look at the picture "aka the merchandise" and then you look at the price tag "aka profile"
Make decision from there....end of story,
Well said.0 -
Hmm... what's that cheesy line? Uh... you've gotta dig through a lot of shiz to find a diamond? Anyways, you get what I'm trying to say.
I did a lot of online dating, because 1) I work really long hours, so I don't go out very much if ever, and 2) When I did manage to go out in public, the only guys that hit on me were really weird, homeless, and/or *kitten*... so..... yeah. Online worked best for me. I also made a lot of friends that way too. Okcupid.com has always been my favorite site, because they have fun quizzes, the guys who created the site are incredibly smart, the people there are pretty decent, and best of all, it's free!
Online dating is just like regular dating - you need a lot of patience... but at least you can be patient at home and do the monotonous "meet and greet - interview questions" in the comfort of your pajamas.
In my opinion, it takes the pressure off a bit, because by the time you actually meet the guy, you kind of already know him.
Just my thoughts. Good luck! 0 -
I'm using 2 at the moment... one has more decent guys than the other... and I do feel having tough skin is a must.. I've had my share of rejection within the last month and it has me weak.. I had one guy take me out about a yr ago and when he saw my profile again recently was turned off by my current photo.. He said he liked me when I was chunky and that I'm too addicted to the gym.. For others I'm not athletic enough.. So no matter if your skinny, athletic, average or curvy, you will find rejection on there.
Its not for everyone and for the time being I'm just out to find friends who i can hang with... Take is slow and go from there..0 -
i did the online dating thing several years ago. one of the guys i met picked me up in a jeep that had giant tusks affixed to the front, and then after our date sent flowers and a teddy bear to my work with a note that said "CONGRATS ON THE NEW BABY!"
um. what?
WHAT. THE....
For the love of Gravy, no wonder he's single! *lol*0 -
I met my current SO online. It wasn't a situation where we contacted each other, went out and voila though.
He'd contact me, I'd contact him. We'd forget about it. Not hear from each other for weeks. Then suddenly he would send me a message. Or I'd send him one. This went on for 6-9 months while we literally dated other people, didn't take it seriously, wondered if this was the right thing, was POF a hookup site, etc.
Another random online contact in August of last year and we met and have been dating ever since.
I definately had to wade through my share of creepy ones, but I strongly believe that when something is supposed to happen it will. The universe works like that for some reason. If you are looking for a mate I'd keep all options open, and just shake off the weirdos you come across. At least online you have the luxury of NEVER meeting them in person.
Good luck to you!0 -
Hmm... what's that cheesy line? Uh... you've gotta dig through a lot of shiz to find a diamond? Anyways, you get what I'm trying to say.
I did a lot of online dating, because 1) I work really long hours, so I don't go out very much if ever, and 2) When I did manage to go out in public, the only guys that hit on me were really weird, homeless, and/or *kitten*... so..... yeah. Online worked best for me. I also made a lot of friends that way too. Okcupid.com has always been my favorite site, because they have fun quizzes, the guys who created the site are incredibly smart, the people there are pretty decent, and best of all, it's free!
Online dating is just like regular dating - you need a lot of patience... but at least you can be patient at home and do the monotonous "meet and greet - interview questions" in the comfort of your pajamas.
In my opinion, it takes the pressure off a bit, because by the time you actually meet the guy, you kind of already know him. Just my thoughts. Good luck!
Ditto on the guys who hit on me in public were "weird, homeless, and/or *kitten*"! LOL. For a while I thought, geez, I must be hideous because all the guys who hit on me are YIKES. But then found out this happened to girls all across the spectrum of looks and weight.
I guess I didn't think about it as being less pressure. Point taken.0 -
Thanks for all the input everyone! This community rocks. I guess feeling like what I'm experiencing is normal in this venture helps out a lot.0
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I've been trying to do the online dating thing lately.
I've even gone so far as giving my phone number to a couple of guys. Every guy I've talked to from OK Cupid wants to talk about sex immediately. I refuse to go on a date with somebody who asks for sex before I've met him. So, I haven't met any of these guys in person yet. Is this a free dating site thing, or will I get the same thing on Match? Yeesh.
I mean, I may be a slot, but I insist that you meet me before you find that out.
That said, I don't know that it takes a thick skin, necessarily. It would be just like meeting somewhere else. I post recent photos, guys either like what they see or they don't.0 -
i did the online dating thing several years ago. one of the guys i met picked me up in a jeep that had giant tusks affixed to the front, and then after our date sent flowers and a teddy bear to my work with a note that said "CONGRATS ON THE NEW BABY!"
um. what?
WHAT. THE....
For the love of Gravy, no wonder he's single! *lol*
mmm Gravy0 -
I've been trying to do the online dating thing lately.
I've even gone so far as giving my phone number to a couple of guys. Every guy I've talked to from OK Cupid wants to talk about sex immediately. I refuse to go on a date with somebody who asks for sex before I've met him. So, I haven't met any of these guys in person yet. Is this a free dating site thing, or will I get the same thing on Match? Yeesh.
I mean, I may be a slot, but I insist that you meet me before you find that out.
That said, I don't know that it takes a thick skin, necessarily. It would be just like meeting somewhere else. I post recent photos, guys either like what they see or they don't.
I have no idea, but I had tried online dating in the past, kind of. A friend suggested POF so I signed up, I got bombarded with requests for sex. And I mean, as soon as I set it up and posted a pic, I got all kinds of weird IM's and messages. I tried to deactivate right away but POF has a policy that you have to be signed up for at least 24 hours before they will deactivate. I was wondering what it was about the pics I posted (trust me they were VERY BENIGN PICS) that gave the impression that I was interested in booty calls? And thought maybe it was because I was overweight? Maybe they thought, ooh, this girl has some extra pounds, maybe she's so desperate that I can just use her for sex? LOL no clue.
But have I had a friend who started texting with a guy from eharmony and he asked her how important sex was to her because he was sort of a freak and wanted it a lot. Umm...weirdo. So perhaps it's everywhere, but I tend to think there are less of those types willing to pay for a service? Who knows.0 -
I've been trying online dating for months. POF & Okcupid, even spent money on cupid, match, and zoosk. I NEVER bring up sex/hookups or leave 1 word messages, they're always thought out have questions for the person. I've sent out hundreds of messages and barely any get replied to, and usually the replies are 1 word answers to the question. I've gotten about 4 dates out of it. 2 resulted in good friendships, actually, but no relationships. Girls seem so outgoing and friendly on their profile, but just don't respond to an innocent message. I hate it, yet find myself trying regardless. I think all the guys that do use the site for hookups has made the sites impossible to really get a girlfriend, because the girls just get fed up with it.0
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I've been trying online dating for months. POF & Okcupid, even spent money on cupid, match, and zoosk. I NEVER bring up sex/hookups or leave 1 word messages, they're always thought out have questions for the person. I've sent out hundreds of messages and barely any get replied to, and usually the replies are 1 word answers to the question. I've gotten about 4 dates out of it. 2 resulted in good friendships, actually, but no relationships. Girls seem so outgoing and friendly on their profile, but just don't respond to an innocent message. I hate it, yet find myself trying regardless. I think all the guys that do use the site for hookups has made the sites impossible to really get a girlfriend, because the girls just get fed up with it.
I feel encouraged by the other people who say they hate it LOL. That's what I'm left feeling like, some aspects of it just make me feel like...I really dislike this process. But, I think I'm going to do you like you and keep trucking for the time being.0 -
I did it for a year (eharmony). I met my best friend on it, and found two more really close friends too. At the time, I was 255 lbs. I was 100% honest about my weight when dating, and the men were, for the most part, nice about it.
If they can't like you for what you look like now, then they aren't worth the time. After a year I cancelled the membership because I was just done dating at the time. I did join a friends social site and without looking for a future person, a man contacted me. Long story short - two years later we are planning to get married next year.
I'll be the first to not recommend online dating though. It is not for everyone, and it so darn hard to find a person that "fits" your life. Yeah, I lucked out... but I think you are better off finding someone in your social groups.
Those men that I met on online dating (now friends) are still looking to find someone to be with. So it wasn't for them either and they are awesome people.
I always said when I was on that dating site, if they didn't stop to check me out, then they saved me the time. 0 -
Amen to the creep *kitten* comment. There are some really strange, strange folks tromping around online LOL. And I guess that's the other thing I forgot, take out all the creeps and weirdos, and yes I am purely making this judgement from their profiles (or weird freaky pics), but exclude those, and then the guys who only want "the athletic, tone, slender" guys, and there aren't many left. BUT, another thing to add is the general dating market in my town is slim to begin with. I guess I need to give it a little longer before completely deciding to trash the whole idea.
Thanks for replying odusgolp!
There are creepers in real life, they're just more congested online lol. I met my last ex and my current online. My last relationship lasted almost 6 years and we are still great friends, we just make better friends then in a relationship. My current relationship is coming up on a year and still going strong. It takes a lot of wading through the garbage before you hit something good, whether it be online or in real life.0
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