Yesterday was the worst day of my life..

First of all congratulations on your response to your hard day. I think you have proved to yourself that people can change, as you have made changes. I think it is important to remember why you made the changes you did and how...my guess is that they were based on your own will and want and not based on anyone else.
The cycle of abuse is very complex. I would suggest that if this man is serious about making changes in his life and working towards being a healthy partner, that is a journey he needs to start off on his own and work on on his own stuff. If he can demonstrate to you that he is commited to change through his actions, not simply his words, then couple's counselling may be a viable option for you down the road at some point.
It sounds like you are really finding your own footing as an individual, often people (especially those that like control) don't like that and feel threatened by that...that's not your issue to deal with, it's theirs.
In my opinion, someone that is calling you "fat and ugly" moments before they are telling you they love you and want you back is simply grasping at straws to control and manipulate you using various tactics. Sounds like this man has some work ahead of him.

I was four when my father finally left my abusive father, but i have vivid memories of the beatings he would give her. The memories didn't surface until I found out I was pregnant. My mother was so shocked I had any memory at all of them. She thought "she'd gotten me out of there soon enough". My mother had reconstructive surgery done to fix some of the damage from the beatings.

Don't ever go back. Even if he's got written proof from a doctor that he's better, don't go back.

Hon,

I know exactly how you feel. Growing up, my self esteem was broken due to verbal abuses from loved ones. Imagine, as a child and a teenager, all I heard wat "big buffalo" ... I still carry the scars of those abuse.

I am now married to a wonderful man, who never sees my bulk. Instead, he encourages me to work out and eat well to stay healthy.

So, just move forward. The past may haunt you, but it should not stop you from moving on. Presevere, and remember, YOU ARE WORTH IT

P/S: BTW, your soon to be ex-husband must be blind, coz YOU ARE GORGEOUS

Please don't doubt your decision. Even if your ex intends to change and he really means it, he needs to work on himself in therapy - this sounds like it's more than just a relationship problem. I agree with Marci that you also need to seek out someone to talk to about the past abuse you've had to live with. With help, you can learn to spot the signs and patterns abusers use and not get caught up in your ex's (or anyone else's!) cycle of abuse and apology.

Any time you start to think you've made a mistake, just think about your son. Do you want you son seeing how your ex acts and using that behavior as a role model for his own future? Your son is so lucky to have you as a strong mom who will get out of a bad situation before it gets worse.

Also, what a fantastic job of not turning to food on such a stressful day. You are definitely very strong, even if you don't see it yet. For you and your son, stay strong, and don't believe your ex's lies and apologies. There is someone else out there for you who is kind and respectful and who won't put you through all of this emotional crap.

You are worth it.

-Alison

Here's what I think: Let's say you were fat & ugly (which by the way, your pic shows you are NOT) but let's say you were. wouldn't you want a partner that would look past that? see your inner beauty? love you enough to encourage you no matter what? and want the best for you? Abusers do it because it makes them feel more powerful - If I push you down I feel strong. Then it's an easy step to, if I push you down and stand on you I feel really strong! so abuse, be it verbal OR physical, will only escalate. You are incredibly strong for sticking to your guns. I say you deserve to be treated well no matter what you look like, no matter how large you get. But that's my opinion...you have to be the one who believes that. You have to know that by virtue of the fact that you are a human being and a decent person you deserve to be treated well and respected. If you can get to that point where you say to yourself, "hell yeah I'm worth it" then it will happen for you (and by "it" I mean both losing weight AND having someone in your life who adores you).

Good luck, be strong & know that you have friends on MFP who support you!

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on working out your frustrations at the gym instead of eating!!
Second, he probably has not changed and you ARE making the right decision! Of course you are sad that your marriage is over. You have loved him for a long time and it is hard to stop.
Keep talking to friends and taking care of yourself!! God Bless!!:flowerforyou:

I think the fact that he started off his apology with insults should firmly reassure you that you are making the right decision. I watched my step father beat the hell out of my mother- and I mean beatings she's lucky didn't kill her- for a decade. She finally ran from him and for years had nothing to do with him. Then they got back together, and yea, he had "changed." He had stopped beating her. But that didn't help anything else about their relationship. We were all just as miserable as we ever were.

If you have kids together, then he needs to get help regardless of whatever your relationship is going to be. If you don't have kids, get rid of him for good. I can imagine how miserable it will be at first, but just think, time will heal that pain, and then you'll be able to move on with your life. If you stay with him, then that pain is going to become permanent, as you'll continue to constantly cycle through these situations.

"""Often times young boys were sent from the village in search of a vision. This was the case of one particular young native boy.

He started to go up to the top of a mountain in search of his vision. And as he climbed up the mountain, the air got cooler and cooler. And he came upon a snake laying in the path. The snake was shivering, and said to the boy. "Please help me. I can't move, I am so cold that I can no longer make it any further down the mountain."

The boy said to the snake "No way! You're a snake, if I pick you up, you'll bite me!" The snake replied. "No, no I won't, I promise I won't bite you if you'll only pick me up and help get me down the mountain."

So the young boy picked up the snake, put him in his shirt, and continued climbing to the top of the mountain in search of his vision. When he got back down to the bottom of the mountain, he reached in, took out the snake, and the snake bit the young boy.

The boy replied to the snake "Hey! You bit me, you said that if I'd help you out, that you wouldn't bite me!"

You knew what I was when you picked me up..."""


You know what to do, and you're off to a great start.

I didn't read all the posts, but, having personal experience with this type of situation let me say this... him even GENUINELY wanting to change is not enough. He has habits and patterns of response and maybe even psychological disorders to solve that he MUST do on his own. If you love him, you'll encourage him to seek help on his own realizing that he's going to ruin his own life treating people like that. If you don't love him, I suppose you can run and never look back and leave him to deal with his mess.

Maybe there's something like bi-polar going on that, if treated with medication and the marriage allowed to heal in counseling, could be taken care of and real change could happen. Or maybe he's just a jerk. If he actually takes steps on his own to find out what's wrong with him and change himself AND you can have an open dialogue with his counselors/psychiatrist, you could evaluate if there were hope to have a good marriage with this man. But, as things stand, you aren't helping him, yourself, your kids, or anyone by going back to him. And even if he were to get into a program, get on medication, or whatever, he absolutely by no means should be using that to get you to come home. You should ONLY go back if his counselors feel he's made real progress and that your home is safe AND you feel completely comfortable that it's going to be a safe place.

If he is not willing to do these things on his own and deal with his issues... there's nothing else you can do for him. You have to make plans for a new life and reach out to and accept help from friends and family as you build that new life. He will not change without outside help.... no matter what he says. Something is very wrong with him that he would act like that, and you will not enable him any more. I hope he gets help and I hope you both can be healthy and happy and have the life God wants you to have! John 10:10 :flowerforyou: