Tell me what you think.

First off...I would like to let you know that this is very hard and out of character for me to do but I just feel that I truly need opinions to make me feel better I guess. Honestly, I am too scared to tell my mother how I truly feel about a lot of things and just want SOMEONE to listen because truthfully, I know if I said any of this to my mother, she would find some way to minimize the way I feel or tell me I am just using it as a cop out. We are estranged, and have been for months. (should have been years) You decide.

I am adopted - along with my twin brother to the same set of parents. We were both born with physical, physiological and neurological problems because we were born to a drug taking and beer drinking woman. So I was born with hydorcehpalus and very premature and Dennis (my twin) was born half blind and obviously premature like me. They didn't know I had the disease right away so I cried all the time until they realized it and performed brain surgery at the age of two and a half. Which by the way, I didn't walk until then either. I was almost three when I began walking. The doctor said that I was always going to have the mentality of an 8 year old and walk with braces on my legs. They wanted me to take the "short bus" to the "special" school but my mother refused. (super surprised about that one) You'll understand why I say this. Well needless to say, I went to regular school and excelled to the point of the school wanting me to skip grades but my mother refused because she didn't want Dennis "to feel left out". (just the beginning of my mother dragging me down)

Anyway, when I was twelve my adopted father decided to come into my bedroom one night when my mother was at her friend's house consoling her because her son had just died in a car accident. Well, he did stuff for almost two years before I told my mother. She kicked him out but then a month later she took him back. Kind of like a a huge kick in the teeth for me. I never really knew that she should not have done that though and now I do know which makes me hate myself for allowing that to happen.

So I grew up and had a lot of trouble with men, BAD sometimes VERY BAD relationships. I've been physically abused so many times I can't even count. Regardless of this, my mother always blamed me for being with the wrong guys. She blamed me for being permiscuous and being careless. I hated myself. She told me one time that I cried so much when I was a baby that she wanted to "give me back". She used to abuse me, smacking me over and over in the head, and grab my hair and yank my head back and forth. I was molested by an older boy when I was 8 or 9 and they used to laugh about it like it was my own fault. She did not care enough to even call the police or the parents of the boy. She has told me that if wasn't her daughter, she would not even like me. She called me stupid, fat and I was never pretty.

So, years later, here I am, a full-time student (3.7GPA) I am a Phi Theta Kappa member, a mother, I workout everyday and I am a runner. Through the years I have forced myself to coninue the relationship with my mother - yes she is still with him. I have tried, believe me but still, years later she can not be proud of me nor can she say that she is. After my 3rd 5k (I placed 3rd in my division) she could only say this, "I just can't get over how you are able to run races now when the doctor said so long ago that you would never be able to walk on your own." No, so proud of you or anything. On the other hand, my brother who has never been anywhere, done anything, in major debt, can't pay his bills - has always been her favorite.

After having my daughter I started having nightmares about my father...my anxiety was going through the roof and I was on edge and crying and sad all the time. I did what I thought was best and stopped talking to my mother. I cannot continue after feeling like she did me wrong in so many ways and I am forever damaged emotionally and psychologically because of her and her choice and "him". Mind you, I feel that I am strong because of my accomplishments since then. I just can't have her completely in my life. I have a daughter to protect and I want to live my life without the pain of those years always being in my vision.