help on a non-physical health topic: Adults only pls
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I have a question to ask, it is a very serious topic. I have someone that I know who told me that a cousin "tried to molest her" as a child. She told me the first time about 20 years ago and I questioned her about it. She has a lot of issues and lies a lot so I didn't know what to believe. I know the guy she is talking about and he would have been 14-15 when she was 9 and it supposedly happened. She said he tried to push her hand on his privates. I asked her (she acts like she is the 2nd coming of God) if she "swore to God" that he never touched her where he shouldn't and she "Swore to God". Then about three to four years ago, I asked her about it because she was friending this guy's entire family and even talking about having a "family get together" with the guy who "molested" her, his wife and his children and grand kids! I thought this was strange. If she felt "molested" why would she want to see this person that she hadn't ever been really been in contact with since childhood??? Then I asked her what exactly did he do again (to see if the story was the same) and she said "he pulled my pants down and put his fingers inside me"... Now I am very confused. I really know this guy and I don't think it happened. I know that a lot of times ppl don't want to believe it when incest happens and doubt the victims but this person has lied to me about so many things in the past and she even says things about how people wouldn't like her if they knew the "Real ME"(her)... what would you do? Would you mention this to the guy and potentially stir up a lot of crap (you know how people tend to shoot the messenger)? Or what? I'm really serious, this isn't a made up thing. I just need help in dealing with this. What would you do it this happened to you?
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It's not your business to get to the bottom of this. If it happened to her, then it is traumatic for her and she will have come up with some different ways to cope. If not, then she is lying and that's that.0
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Wow, that is serious. I would personally leave it to her--- it's her "mess" if she IS lying about it. If she wants to have a family with him, you can't stop her; she'll do what makes her happy. I think part of it is that when a woman has a sexual encounter with any man, there is a strong bond that is formed between them that is harder for the woman to pull away from; incest, however, is very serious, and I feel as if she is lying about some things. Perhaps both accounts of the event really did happen, or perhaps she doesn't remember and her mind is making it up. I would try to get the real story out of her, if that is at all possible, but I wouldn't step in between them and get yourself too involved.0
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First off, I'm really sorry that you're in this position. It sucks.
This is really delicate because you say she basically has ZERO credibility, but this is the kind of thing that if she IS telling the truth about, it's a big deal. Is there anyone else in your family you could bounce it off of?
No matter how it plays out, good luck to you & your family. Whether she's lying or telling the truth, you are in for a bit of a sh!tstorm....0 -
I agree with "it's not your business". This is something SHE needs to deal with. All you can (or should) really do is encourage her to get some mental health to deal with it.0
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I have a question to ask, it is a very serious topic. I have someone that I know who told me that a cousin "tried to molest her" as a child. She told me the first time about 20 years ago and I questioned her about it. She has a lot of issues and lies a lot so I didn't know what to believe. I know the guy she is talking about and he would have been 14-15 when she was 9 and it supposedly happened. She said he tried to push her hand on his privates. I asked her (she acts like she is the 2nd coming of God) if she "swore to God" that he never touched her where he shouldn't and she "Swore to God". Then about three to four years ago, I asked her about it because she was friending this guy's entire family and even talking about having a "family get together" with the guy who "molested" her, his wife and his children and grand kids! I thought this was strange. If she felt "molested" why would she want to see this person that she hadn't ever been really been in contact with since childhood??? Then I asked her what exactly did he do again (to see if the story was the same) and she said "he pulled my pants down and put his fingers inside me"... Now I am very confused. I really know this guy and I don't think it happened. I know that a lot of times ppl don't want to believe it when incest happens and doubt the victims but this person has lied to me about so many things in the past and she even says things about how people wouldn't like her if they knew the "Real ME"(her)... what would you do? Would you mention this to the guy and potentially stir up a lot of crap (you know how people tend to shoot the messenger)? Or what? I'm really serious, this isn't a made up thing. I just need help in dealing with this. What would you do it this happened to you?
Do what you feel is right. If you think he needs to know she is saying this stuff about him, tell him whether it causes a mess or not! It really is not your problem do deal with but if you are worried say something.0 -
Well, if she was saying it about your cousin, would you interfere then?0
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i wouldnt mention it to anyone, and its really none of your business (the way you made it sound?). why should you care if the 'story is still the same'?. mentioning it to his family to stir something up wont help anything. I really dont even know the point of your post or the point of bringing it all up again anyway. maybe I'm missing it.. its her choice if she wants to have a get to gether with them...?0
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First off, I'm really sorry that you're in this position. It sucks.
what position is she even in, I cant find how she is connected to this at all? besides having someone she knows who it happened to 20 years ago0 -
I'd stay out of it. Some people can be manipulative.
Maybe she is lying, or maybe he is that deceptive a person.
But if it is true you'd do much more harm than good going with your current judgement of her and the situation.0 -
First off, I'm really sorry that you're in this position. It sucks.
what position is she even in, I cant find how she is connected to this at all? besides having someone she knows who it happened to 20 years ago
The unfortunate one that someone else put her in? The possibility of someone either bring her in on a lie, or dumping a huge secret in her lap? The one that prompted her to ask the question? Pick any one of, or any combination of those 3.0 -
First off, I'm really sorry that you're in this position. It sucks.
what position is she even in, I cant find how she is connected to this at all? besides having someone she knows who it happened to 20 years ago
The unfortunate one that someone else put her in? The possibility of someone either bring her in on a lie, or dumping a huge secret in her lap? The one that prompted her to ask the question? Pick any one of, or any combination of those 3.
i was honestly just asking because I didnt see the connection. from what I read it sounded like her friend was having a family reunion and she was going to ask the people at the family reuinion (who it sounded like she didnt know) if he did do this or not 20 years ago.0 -
Thank you for the non-dysfunctional people who replied.
I have struggled with this for years. If your bipolar (possibly borderline personality disorder) sister told you this about your cousin, do you think you would forget it after a time? Wow, do you think it doesn't cause problems with the way you interact and feel about your cousin? His brother is my very closest blood relative... IF it is a lie, how do I get help for my sister? BTW, my sister told me that she has never told anyone but me about this, not even her Psychiatrist.
sometimes having a relationship with my sister is like being in "The Twilight Zone"...0 -
ohhhh. i didnt get sister out of 'I have someone that I know who told me that a cousin' lol sorry. i thought you just ment someone you knew told you about it and you were going to go around asking their family. if it was my sister who said this, yes i would try to figure out what really happened. but i would try talking to her seriously about it again, not stir up trouble right away with the entire family. maybe just ask why she is trying to get closer to them vs no relationship. maybe she is just trying to move past what happened, or maybe she realized her lie is over. i cant guess why she would lie about it only to you though, and not tell anyone else.0
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It's not your business to get to the bottom of this. If it happened to her, then it is traumatic for her and she will have come up with some different ways to cope. If not, then she is lying and that's that.
This. It could have made her confused herself since she was so very young, and depending upon her life now, maybe she feels comfortable around him because she doesnt know HOW to feel. I was raped at 17 and again at 18. i now have this fear, even around my husband as soon as it is "that time" to do the deed. I seize up. Everyone reacts different.0 -
cause she has a lot of mental issues:( She is like two people living in one body. There is this very nice side that you like and another side that would scare "Satan". She manipulates and lies when she is in her manic mood. She makes up lies and then forgets what she has said and then makes up a lie to cover it when you ask her about it. When I recently asked her about the "molestation", she snapped my head off and ended the conversation. I'm just getting really tired of her dumping stuff on me that may or may not be true. She also recently told me (after swearing me to secrecy) that she wrote a note to her soon to be ex-husband, took her cell phone , stopped by a pharmacy and got some OTC "sleep aids" and then took the entire bottle. Her husband called her on her cell phone numerous times (I think she may have done this before based on things she has said but has never fully admitted it) and she didn't pick up the phone. When the police called, she said that she picked up the phone. She said that they took her to the hospital and she was in "CCU" for 7 days but not psych. She said that they wanted to give her electro shock therapy but she refused. She told me this entire story and her voice was like "I"m proud" of this ... it was really scary to hear it period but with the tone of her voice, it makes it even more like "The Twilight Zone".
It is very hard to decide what to do becuase I wouldn't want to stir up stuff based on her "lying" (potentially upsetting my cousin, his wife, his kids, etc) but if these things happened, she would need help? I just don't know... We are not really close because she is very abusive, etc. I also wonder why would she tell me these things of ALL people? That's another thing that really confuses me.0 -
Oh my goodness, this is such a touchy thing. First and foremost let me tell you that I had an uncle abuse me and I have no desire to ever see him again, my kids are not allowed anywhere around him and if he died today my heart would not hurt one bit. This is what this kind of abuse does to you, so I can't see her wanting to go near him...EVER. Your heart wants to believe your sister so badly, because she is your sister, but your heart may be telling you something else. You never know about people so I know your torn. *sigh* If you say something to the cousin you will really piss him off especially if he's not guilty and then you will start a feud between him and her and you. So here's what I think, (I assume your sister is grown now) Let your sister handle this and stay out of it as long as you can. You should only get involved if she in fact decides to confront this cousin. On the other hand you can watch the cousin and see how his kids acts around him, you can see signs of abuse if you look close enough.0
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Sexual abuse, incest, beatings, emotional abuse, alcoholism, drug abuse--there are so many painful, gut-wrenching things that happen in families, etc. It can be extra horrific when it happens to children; some infants are even victims. The victim-perpetrator cycle is a very hard thing to break, and usually requires that both parties spend some time in some sort of recovery program. 12-step programs, such as AA, Al-Anon, Alateen, SA, NA, Co-DA, and any others I may have left out are very effective in helping people arrest the progression of these diseases on a daily basis, so that they won't hurt themselves or others.
That being said, in Al-Anon, I was taught two pertinent lessons:
1) If someone doesn't ask for my help, I need to stay out of it, and
2) It is not up to me to cause a crisis, and it is not up to me to avert a crisis--the addict needs to hit his or her bottom and seek recovery for it to work.
It is very difficult to do, because I always want to "fix" people, "help" people, and keep people from hurting. Truly, though, I do not know any better what is right for another person than anyone else--only their Higher Power does. I have a full-time job working on my own character defects.0 -
You should only get involved if she in fact decides to confront this cousin. On the other hand you can watch the cousin and see how his kids acts around him, you can see signs of abuse if you look close enough.
That is what I was thinking too. If he had done this to me, I would NEVER want to have contact with him, his wife and children (I know the children are innocent but they have alligence to their Father). But she was actively looking them up on FB and sending them family photos and all. That is what really set off my alarms. His children (3 girls, he had his first child at 17!) are all loving towards him, they show no signs of abuse, are very well adjusted and active in the Church and continuously at their Dad's house, writing how they love him on their FB walls.
Thanks so much for your help. Your perspective helped me a lot. I just would hate to not believe someone based on her being mentally ill. But how can I think of my cousin the same if it was true. I admit, it has tarnished my thoughts of my cousin anyway. I can't ask him and even if I did, he could deny it if he really did it. Did you Uncle ever confess or even apologize? I am so horribly sorry about what happened to you:(0 -
You should only get involved if she in fact decides to confront this cousin. On the other hand you can watch the cousin and see how his kids acts around him, you can see signs of abuse if you look close enough.
That is what I was thinking too. If he had done this to me, I would NEVER want to have contact with him, his wife and children (I know the children are innocent but they have alligence to their Father). But she was actively looking them up on FB and sending them family photos and all. That is what really set off my alarms. His children (3 girls, he had his first child at 17!) are all loving towards him, they show no signs of abuse, are very well adjusted and active in the Church and continuously at their Dad's house, writing how they love him on their FB walls.
Thanks so much for your help. Your perspective helped me a lot. I just would hate to not believe someone based on her being mentally ill. But how can I think of my cousin the same if it was true. I admit, it has tarnished my thoughts of my cousin anyway. I can't ask him and even if I did, he could deny it if he really did it. Did you Uncle ever confess or even apologize? I am so horribly sorry about what happened to you:(
My Uncle is under the belief that as long as he asks God for forgiveness then no one else matters. He used to be big in the church. He say's he doesn't remember any of it and that I needed to tell him what he did. I say bull****. And every since I told I have had nothing to do with this man. Turns out ( I learned a lot on my trip home this last week) he may have molested every neice he has. And now I'm sure it was pretty much everyone girl every around him. And from what I learned he thinks he's done nothing wrong and he's only teaching life lessons. Uggg I hate him, but I have NOT let what happened to me control my life in anyway, it's the only way I'm assured that he didn't win that battle.0 -
That aspect of your Uncle actually sounds a lot like my sister, she is super "religious" too but her actions don't meet up to it. SO many lies, manipulations, etc.
Last year when our Aunt had cancer, when I found out, I called my sister crying and upset. There was a long silence on the line and I said "are you so upset you can't say anything like I was when I found out" and my sister said "No, I'm just not that close to her"...
Then when my sister's husband kicked her out and she had to find a place to live, she had me ask our Aunt if she could live with her 3-4 months till she got on her feet (she has no degree and has never been able to hold a job). So I asked her and she said that she could, that was last year and my sister says she wants to "live with her forever". She is perfectly happy mooching off my Aunt and after all the horrible things she has said about her for years. Now I fear that my Aunt is never going to get her out of her condo. I expect to see them on Dr Phil one of these days
I am glad you have kept your Uncle at arms length. I hope nobody lets young family members be in his presence ever again..male or female:(0
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