How to deal with the diet-saboteur friend
vacherin
Posts: 192
Hi everyone
Apologies in advance to everyone on my Friends list who may have already heard me moan about this ...
On 1st Jan I gave up alcohol to try and lose weight, and my friend and former drinking buddy seems to have a hard time accepting this. By and large she has been positive about what I am doing, but every so often a back-handed comment will come and they are really starting to upset me. Comments in the past have included: she "didn't see the point" in what I was doing (which was said at a party in front of others, and I found this very embarrassing); she can't believe I have only lost 13lbs in 6 months (her very words were: "Is that IT? In all this time?"); she thinks going without booze for 6 months is quite enough and that I ought to stop now; jokes about slipping booze into my drink without me knowing; frequent coercing to "just have a couple"; direct offers of alcohol as if I had never given up e.g. "Would you like a liqueur coffee after dinner?" and so on.
Incidentally, I have never suggested that she join me, or even that she congratulate me - I just want her to stop trying to throw me off track! It's as if she wants me to fail. I haven't been in the least bit preachy about it and don't even tend to mention it unless someone who doesn't know offers me an alcoholic drink and I have to ask for a soft one. I even let guests in my house get plastered if they want to! So it's not as if my not drinking has a negative impact on her.
If I were reading this from another MFP member I would say, "Ignore her... her comments are meaningless ... this is about you, not her" but it's very dirfficult to be on the receiving end of it and not feel anything. I am starting to think my best course of action is just not to see her until I have got through the year, but this is difficult as I am godmother to her kid ... and, because the weight loss hasn't come as quickly as I'd hoped, I am considering actually continuing the non-drinking into 2013, until I get to my goal. I am dreading telling her that news!
If anyone has any similar experiences or advice, I would love to hear from you!
Love Vacherin xxx
Apologies in advance to everyone on my Friends list who may have already heard me moan about this ...
On 1st Jan I gave up alcohol to try and lose weight, and my friend and former drinking buddy seems to have a hard time accepting this. By and large she has been positive about what I am doing, but every so often a back-handed comment will come and they are really starting to upset me. Comments in the past have included: she "didn't see the point" in what I was doing (which was said at a party in front of others, and I found this very embarrassing); she can't believe I have only lost 13lbs in 6 months (her very words were: "Is that IT? In all this time?"); she thinks going without booze for 6 months is quite enough and that I ought to stop now; jokes about slipping booze into my drink without me knowing; frequent coercing to "just have a couple"; direct offers of alcohol as if I had never given up e.g. "Would you like a liqueur coffee after dinner?" and so on.
Incidentally, I have never suggested that she join me, or even that she congratulate me - I just want her to stop trying to throw me off track! It's as if she wants me to fail. I haven't been in the least bit preachy about it and don't even tend to mention it unless someone who doesn't know offers me an alcoholic drink and I have to ask for a soft one. I even let guests in my house get plastered if they want to! So it's not as if my not drinking has a negative impact on her.
If I were reading this from another MFP member I would say, "Ignore her... her comments are meaningless ... this is about you, not her" but it's very dirfficult to be on the receiving end of it and not feel anything. I am starting to think my best course of action is just not to see her until I have got through the year, but this is difficult as I am godmother to her kid ... and, because the weight loss hasn't come as quickly as I'd hoped, I am considering actually continuing the non-drinking into 2013, until I get to my goal. I am dreading telling her that news!
If anyone has any similar experiences or advice, I would love to hear from you!
Love Vacherin xxx
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Replies
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I did not start losing weight really until I was around 9 mos sober.
What she is doing is about her, not about you. Yes she is trying to sabotage you, that is part of the disease of alcoholism. It is hard not to take personal but as you grow in life you may come to see that her friendship is not as important to you as it once was, you may just grow away from her.
It has been my expereince that people like that are actually jealous of what we have but are not willing to put forth the effort to make it happen, that is as frustrating as anything else. We can wake up one day with all intent and purpose of not drinking that day and by the end of the day, we have talked our self into it or created some type of drama that makes us think we deserve a drink, then wake up the next day feeling like a failure.
What took me a long time in the program to learn is what other people think of me is none of my business. It took a few years but it did finally sink in. Now I could not give a rat *kitten* what someone says about the way I live or the choices I make. I hear all the time, oh come on, live a little, we my answer is ya know what, I want to live a lot, thank you very much.
This is EXACTLY one of the reasons we are asked to change old play mates and play grounds when we decide to stop drinking, this is way more common than you think. Just remember, this is HER crap not yours. And you are allowed to take up for yourself and tell her if she has nothing positive to add to you or your life then do not say anything at all. You may come to realize that you ware better off with out her.0 -
Congratulations on the 13lbs lost so far and having the willpower to give something up for 6 months.
Are the soft drinks you have instead of alcohol low calorie? Just thinking that some juices and sodas are loaded with sugar so unless you go for a diet coke everytime your friend may not see the point in swapping alcohol calories for juice calories. I couldn't tell from your post whether you have made changes in other areas (diet/ exercise), but it should be possible to still have the occassional drink if you are making healthy choices in other areas too.
Anyway, try explaining to your friend that you're not doing this as a quick fix but want to become a healthier person. Good luck
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Sorry but she may not be as good of a friend as you think she is! A good friend would be supportive...especially of a goal that is for your health and well being!! You can be direct and tell her you don't appreciate her comments. Ask her to be supportive or at the very least hold her tongue. In all honesty they way you described it...she sounds like she's the one with issues not you. You're on the right track. Sometimes with friendships people just grow apart and move in different directions.0
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Since you wanted to lose 14, I'd say losing 13 is pretty damn fantastic!
You know you're doing great and reaching your goals. Don't let her get you down.0 -
Thanks for the support, ladies! I have swapped my alcohol for either sparkling water or VERY diluted fruit juice. Occasionally I will have a cordial but I will use much less of the syrup than the manufacturer's recommended amount. i don't actually like very sweet drinks, so luckily I haven't fallen into the trap of replacing my booze with almost-as-nasty stuff.
In terms of other diet changes ... um ... to be honest, I have been really bad and scoffed lots of chocolate and crisps. I know, I know! Whilst I appreciate that this obviously won't make the pounds fall off, nor have I gained weight in the way that I would during my boozing days. I have maintained my weight since March, which is not ideal but it's actually better than I deserve so I'm not complaining - once upon a time I would have gained 7lbs easily!0 -
I would suggest that you talk to her privately, soberly, and seriously. Paraphrase what you said here. Tell her that her frequent jokes and comments are upsetting to you and you take your weight loss/ sobriety seriously. Tell her you want her to respect that and be supportive of your decisions regarding your health. If she is really a good friend, she will feel chagrinned and hopefully change her ways. If after such a discussion, she persists in her saboteur ways, you may have to minimize your time around her. Honestly, there is no reason why you have to put up with someone who seems to be little more than a negative influence on your life. Don't let her drag you down. There are ways (if you so choose) that you can still have her in your life if you put up strict boundaries. I would give her a chance to redeem herself (many people respond to change poorly and I do believe in forgiveness), but I would not give her more chances to bring me down.0
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I would suggest that you talk to her privately, soberly, and seriously. Paraphrase what you said here. Tell her that her frequent jokes and comments are upsetting to you and you take your weight loss/ sobriety seriously. Tell her you want her to respect that and be supportive of your decisions regarding your health. If she is really a good friend, she will feel chagrinned and hopefully change her ways. If after such a discussion, she persists in her saboteur ways, you may have to minimize your time around her. Honestly, there is no reason why you have to put up with someone who seems to be little more than a negative influence on your life. Don't let her drag you down. There are ways (if you so choose) that you can still have her in your life if you put up strict boundaries.
^This is exactly what I was going to stay but RuthieCass is quicker than I am.0 -
Maybe it's time to re-evaluate that "friendship"0
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If she's a true friend, you should be able to sit down and talk to her about it. Explain to her that your lifestyle isn't up for negotiation and you're hurt by her comments and actions.
If she doesn't change her tune after that, I'd say you should evaluate if this is a "friendship" worth having.0 -
She sounds like she doesn't respect you much, and is only looking for someone to validate her own bad habits. If I were you, I'd find a more supportive, less selfish friend.0
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While all these comments are great for long-term solutions, in the meantime I like to try and deal with saboteurs by turning their comments around in my head to something *I* prefer to hear. Sometimes I
Hey, want a cookie/drink/cake/injection of liquid butter to your *kitten*? = you seem to have reached your diet goals and can now have whatever you want whenever you want!!
Let's skip the gym and hit a movie! = you look amazing and toned, you clearly don't need to keep bothering with that ol' gym routine
Why have you only lost x pounds???? = good job on taking things slowly and making *real* lifestyle changes instead of just crash-dieting!
Anyway, I find it helps me when my friends (who are just friends trying to be friends) say things that could be sabotage-y.0 -
haha -- story of my life -- i get some of those -- I just stand my ground and say no thanks and tone down how much I go out.
ORRRRRRR if you really just don't wanna deal with it -- my other option i have done was get soda water with lime put in it and pretend it was alcohol. just saying 0 -
It does indeed sound like your friend has an alcohol issue. (By the way, I've only lost 20 lbs in 6 months...but it's better than gaining, now isn't it???). As the others have said, it's definitely her issue. But in order to remain friends, you need to be honest with her and tell her that she needs to stop trying to sabotage your efforts, or else you cannot be friends. Friends are supposed to support you and make you feel good, not the opposite.
I actually did this with a friend of mine recently. Alcoholism runs in her family, and she ALWAYS drank too much every time we got together with a couple more friends. I told her I can't tolerate that kind of overindulgence and behavior. We took a little break from each other, and she has cut back on drinking, so we'll see where it goes. But she appreciated my honesty.0 -
Honestly she kind of sounds like an alcoholic to me. So, people who suffer from alcoholism really have trouble with their drinking buddies when they stop. I know personally, that has happened to me. I would drink socially, but I don't drink anymore, except few and far in between occasions. But you really have to try to just ignore it if you don't want to drink anymore. She's not going to change herself until she decides she needs to change.0
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You may have outgrown her and she knows that.0
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What is her weight like compared to yours?0
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Maybe it's time to re-evaluate that "friendship"
I agree. She sounds like a horrible person. I'm not sure if it's just becaue I have a temper, but if ANYone let alone of of my girlfriends said anything like that to me. (epsecially the ONLY 13 lbs thing) I would give her whats coming to her. A Good tongue lashing. People like that just aren't worth it in life.0 -
Congratulations on your journey AND being alcohol-free! I am a drinker and here's what I think: your friend is slightly jealous and feels judged for her drinking (even though you're not judging her- your non-drinking status is threatening to her status). I would definitely confront her nicely about how her words and actions are really hurting you. It has to end or I'm afraid it will ruin your friendship. I know it's not easy.
Good luck!0 -
It's hard for us to tell what her intentions are, without knowing her personally, but I would definitely recommend sitting down and talking to her, as others have suggested.
If she is truly your friend, she wouldn't want to hurt your feelings. Maybe she is trying to sabotage you just a little bit, but doesn't realize how much it upsets you. It's something that you need to tell her.0 -
Find a new friend.. Anyone that can be that rude and inconsiderate doesn't deserve your friendship. Tell her to grow the hell up and find a friend who can enjoy doing healthy things with you.. She is not a positive influence in your life.0
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I really like what Ruthie has to say
Think of it like a bad boyfriend. If he were saying things to that hurt you -- would you put up with it?
or tell him "buh bye"??
I know its hard when you have a relationship with someone (like this situation), but people
rarely say what we "expect" them to or what we would like them to. I'm the type of person when
someone continually beats me up and makes me feel badly -- I will get my point across to them
in a joking manner. I knew someone who would like to put down anyone trying to eat healthier
.... naturally thin person and just was so perfect (in her mind), except when she opened her mouth
people hated her. I remember someone telling her, I'd rather be overweight than you any day !!
(still makes me chuckle picturing the look on her face ~ )
That old saying -- IF you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all 0 -
I had a friend like that, or at least someone I thought was a friend. Turns out I was just a drinking buddy to her- I found this out because after she got a DUI and we stopped going to happy hour, she fell off the face of the planet and flaked on me every time we had plans. That made me also understand why I felt like she was trying to sabotage me as well. I was trying to cut down on drinking, but I'd go to the bathroom and come back to find another drink...every time...and she would always make comments about how I didn't need to lose weight and how I should feel free to drink as much as I want "since vodka is low-calorie," etc. (This girl weighed MAYBE 110 lbs...literally 85 lbs, or more, lighter than I was at the time, and yet she panicked about gaining weight herself).
I eventually (far too late) realized she was a full-on alcoholic...functional but an alcoholic all the same. Looking back on it, I think she was determined not to let me go as her drinking-buddy because to her, it condoned her own behavior. 6 drinks is fine if someone else has that many too, right? It got to the point I would pour out my drinks in a planter while she was in the bathroom, because she would act all hurt if I didn't drink the drinks she bought me (even though I had asked her not to).
If you're friend is someone you're close with and don't want to lose her, all you can really do is sit down and have a serious talk with her. Ask her why it means sooooo much to her that you continue to drink, and let her know that you really would like her support in your efforts to lose weight, and that making comments such as "that's ALL you've lost?!" are hurtful...you might even need to let her know that it's bothering you and hurting you so much, you've having a hard time hanging out with her....that you feel like your friendship is being damaged by her insistence that you drink.0 -
I'm sorry you're dealing with something so hurtful. I have an opinion that I think may help you.
Here's what you need to do.
First, throw a party at your place. Invite a bunch of friends over including your problem friend. I'm going to call her Sue from here on out since I don't know her real name.
Get a bottle of Vodka and replace the Vodka with water. Throughout the night, tell Sue how happy you are that she finally, through her prodding and badgering, convinced you to re-start your drinking habit. Tell her that you gained back 18lbs and you have trouble controlling your bladder but it's fine because you found these adult diapers on sale so it's really a non-issue. (You may want to have a box of adult diapers handy just as a convincer).
After having 6 or 7 large glasses of "Vodka", invite Sue downstairs so you can show her the updates you did to the basement. (Oh I forgot to mention, make sure you clean the cat litter right before the party starts, and replace the litter box with grape-nuts cereal and about 6 tootsie rolls).
As you go downstairs,lead Sue over to the litter box and in mid-conversation, grab a handful of cat litter (remember it's grape nuts and tootsie rolls) and just start eating that *kitten*. Eat handfuls at a time like you're starving and you've never seen such delicious food in your life. Start crying and chew with your mouth open.
Then get down on 1 knee and propose to Sue, with chocolate stains around your mouth and cat litter (remember it's just grape nuts!) stuck to your chin.
Let me know if Sue stops bothering you.
(Or you could just have a chat with her too, instead of the above, your call).
Seriously, good luck though -- you deserve to be treated with respect. She needs to know that.0 -
Sidesteal, you are seriously disturbed. In a very good way, of course.0
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ahhhhh the old tootsie roll in the grapenuts trick..
why didn't I think of that !!! DOH0 -
Wow, really Sidesteal. I literally LOL'ed at that. That is so crazy. #shakes head and walks away.0
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Hahahaaaaaa! And, worryingly, it sounds as if you might have tried this before! It's brought to mind one massive benefit of what I'm doing, though - I don't struggle to remember what I did the night before, or worse, REMEMBER what I did and shrivel up with embarrassment!0
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I'm sorry you're dealing with something so hurtful. I have an opinion that I think may help you.
Here's what you need to do.
First, throw a party at your place. Invite a bunch of friends over including your problem friend. I'm going to call her Sue from here on out since I don't know her real name.
Get a bottle of Vodka and replace the Vodka with water. Throughout the night, tell Sue how happy you are that she finally, through her prodding and badgering, convinced you to re-start your drinking habit. Tell her that you gained back 18lbs and you have trouble controlling your bladder but it's fine because you found these adult diapers on sale so it's really a non-issue. (You may want to have a box of adult diapers handy just as a convincer).
After having 6 or 7 large glasses of "Vodka", invite Sue downstairs so you can show her the updates you did to the basement. (Oh I forgot to mention, make sure you clean the cat litter right before the party starts, and replace the litter box with grape-nuts cereal and about 6 tootsie rolls).
As you go downstairs,lead Sue over to the litter box and in mid-conversation, grab a handful of cat litter (remember it's grape nuts and tootsie rolls) and just start eating that *kitten*. Eat handfuls at a time like you're starving and you've never seen such delicious food in your life. Start crying and chew with your mouth open.
Then get down on 1 knee and propose to Sue, with chocolate stains around your mouth and cat litter (remember it's just grape nuts!) stuck to your chin.
Let me know if Sue stops bothering you.
(Or you could just have a chat with her too, instead of the above, your call).
Seriously, good luck though -- you deserve to be treated with respect. She needs to know that.
Dead. Laughing.0 -
Maybe she just misses the laughs you had whilst out drinking? Doesn't mean she's an alcoholic. You've changed your lifestyle and she's finding it hard to accept. I don't know if it's purposeful sabotage....you know her best, so it's upto you to decide what to do about it.
I have to admit I would find it very odd if a friend gave up drinking to aid weight loss....whilst still eating junk food.
Just a different view point.0 -
I haven't eaten junk food constantly (although I probably made it sound like I did!). I don't even think I have been eating it more than most people do - just more that someone who wants to lose weight should, I guess! I suppose part of me thought, "I'm missing out on one thing I really like, so I'm damned if I totally cut out chocolate and crisps too." The drink, for me, has more diet-sabotaging knock-on effects than booze - if I drink too much it makes me hungrier, plus I'm too trashed to exercise the next day. I don't think I have ever cancelled a run or a bike ride because I had too many crisps the night before ...
Thank you to everyone who has replied, by the way. I really appreciate it. (Edited for spelling!)0
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