My beau is worried I'm gonna forget him due to working out
kassiebby1124
Posts: 927 Member
It was quite sad, actually )': I told him that I took up kickboxing now, in addition to my other weight loss regimes, and he was like "I think you're taking this exercise thing too far." At first, it broke my heart. I was upset that he wasn't being supportive. But when I asked him why, he said he didn't want me to get "injured." While I believe that, I know my boy. So I broke him down enough for him to out the truth. He said he's worried I'm going to be more focused on weight loss than I will him...it was so saddening. I re-assured him, but still, it was disheartening for him to say that because my ex said the same thing. Is it bad that I have my mind set on what I want? >.< I don't want to let anyone down or make anyone sad, but this is making me happy..I just feel like I'm disappointing people.
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Replies
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You should find things you could do together, while still working out.
My fiance and I play tennis, we both like it, I'm doing it to workout and because I like it, he's doing it because he likes it. We both also bought bicycles three years ago and we ride them all the time.
Just try to find fun things you like to do and he likes to do, and do them together.0 -
I tried that..he hates all forms of exercise..You should find things you could do together, while still working out.
My fiance and I play tennis, we both like it, I'm doing it to workout and because I like it, he's doing it because he likes it. We both also bought bicycles three years ago and we ride them all the time.
Just try to find fun things you like to do and he likes to do, and do them together.0 -
He needs to realize that you are doing this for yourself because it means getting healthier for yourself.
Im willing to bet its going alot more than just "focusing more on exercise than on me"....
Im willing to bet he is scared poopless that you might find someone else more attractive with the more weight loss that happens, etc... or perhaps another man will gain your interest, so on and so forth.
I dont think he is being 100% truthful, more like 75% with that statement you quoted from him hun...0 -
hmmm kinda sounds like my husband sometimes... he has gotten better tho. Its insecurity really,One day after he so lovingly suggested " Hey lets go out to burgerking!" I in frustration asked.. " why are you sabatoging me???!!" and that is when he told me he is worried that once I dump all the weight there will be nothing holding me back, even him. I swore to him he is my highschool sweetie, my love and I am in love with HIM. then his rebuttle, " thats what you say now... "
SO I just came to this conclusion I am no longer going to allow him to control me, I am going to keep focused, get this weight off, do what it takes and love him through the process. Its hard when your both heavy and one starts changing and the other feels left behind. I have tried over and over to get him to come to the gym and to no avail... I keep offering today and will always, but never nag him. I do things constantly to show him love and try not to talk about the fitness/eating all the time in front of him but act normal as possible.
hang in there dont give up!!!0 -
hmmm kinda sounds like my husband sometimes... he has gotten better tho. Its insecurity really,One day after he so lovingly suggested " Hey lets go out to burgerking!" I in frustration asked.. " why are you sabatoging me???!!" and that is when he told me he is worried that once I dump all the weight there will be nothing holding me back, even him. I swore to him he is my highschool sweetie, my love and I am in love with HIM. then his rebuttle, " thats what you say now... "
SO I just came to this conclusion I am no longer going to allow him to control me, I am going to keep focused, get this weight off, do what it takes and love him through the process. Its hard when your both heavy and one starts changing and the other feels left behind. I have tried over and over to get him to come to the gym and to no avail... I keep offering today and will always, but never nag him. I do things constantly to show him love and try not to talk about the fitness/eating all the time in front of him but act normal as possible.
hang in there dont give up!!!
My Hubby is just like this....I thought I was the only one! Now I don't feel as bad~~ I thought I was torturing him ! I still can't get him to exercise! But I keep trying!0 -
I was going to say the same thing about trying to get him to exercise with you. Don't give in to his insecurities.
Eventually he'll see how much you're doing all of it for yourself and your health without neglecting him. Then maybe it will give him inspiration to start with you. :happy: 0 -
hmmm kinda sounds like my husband sometimes... he has gotten better tho. Its insecurity really,One day after he so lovingly suggested " Hey lets go out to burgerking!" I in frustration asked.. " why are you sabatoging me???!!" and that is when he told me he is worried that once I dump all the weight there will be nothing holding me back, even him. I swore to him he is my highschool sweetie, my love and I am in love with HIM. then his rebuttle, " thats what you say now... "
SO I just came to this conclusion I am no longer going to allow him to control me, I am going to keep focused, get this weight off, do what it takes and love him through the process. Its hard when your both heavy and one starts changing and the other feels left behind. I have tried over and over to get him to come to the gym and to no avail... I keep offering today and will always, but never nag him. I do things constantly to show him love and try not to talk about the fitness/eating all the time in front of him but act normal as possible.
hang in there dont give up!!!
My Hubby is just like this....I thought I was the only one! Now I don't feel as bad~~ I thought I was torturing him ! I still can't get him to exercise! But I keep trying!
we had another "heart to heart " this morning that ended up with me in tears telling him my heart is to see him in the gym too because Im scared for his health! wich lead to a period of silence, than I said if you dedicate going to the gym three days a week, then I will play airsoft with you. He has been BEGGING me to play for Yeaaaars .........His eyes LIT UP and he said okay!!!!
Im not going to tell him what to do at the gym but just be fun and I will suck it up and learn to shoot and play his fav. sport! 0 -
Before I deployed and had a change of heart, I used to sit on the couch with a beer while my wife did zumba, now I'm off the sauce and dieting myself!0
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Stand up for what you believe in. Reassure him, but he needs to not "hate all forms of exercise" to gain your long-term respect, I would think! Encourage him to work out with you. Tell him you want to do this together with him!
Hope that helps. 0 -
He's afraid if you change too much, you may decide you need to make other changes - such as with your relationship. He feels insecure because your commitment to exercise is "taking you away" from him. You can try to assure him that you're doing this so that you're a healthier, happier, and more energetic person for the both of you, but that he isn't going to be replaced by exercise. If he still feels insecure or tries to guilt you/bully you into quitting, then you need to think long and hard if the person you love really does love you back. Good luck.0
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Hm..My name is Beau.0
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He needs to realize that as much as he may love you how you are, you don't fully love yourself yet, and it's crucial that you do.
This happens a lot, and a lot of men (and women) are selfish this way. He needs to think of you, and what this is doing for you, and your happiness. If he felt THAT BADLY about being "left behind", he would join you, regardless of how much he loathes exercise.0 -
Before I deployed and had a change of heart, I used to sit on the couch with a beer while my wife did zumba, now I'm off the sauce and dieting myself!
My husband used to make fun of me for logging and working out all the time...now he's totally into it too!0 -
At the end of the day, you only have yourself to count on. You have to wake up every day feeling good for you- before you can worry about others. Make yourself happy first the rest will come.
Good luck!0 -
In my opinion, it's just insecurity talking. You are changing your life and he's feeling like he'll be left behind. Or someone bigger, better looking etc...will come and scoop you and your new awesomness up! When he sees that you adore him and only him and that life isn't changing he'll come around! Mine did and it was for the better! If you are committed to each other, you can get through anything!0
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I don't know the whole story so I don't know how serious you are, so if you are going too far you need to find a healthy balance. My husband and I were dating he used to lift for like four hour everyday....too me that is overboard especially when you have a family.
On a different note I was in a marriage where my ex husband was so totally against me loosing weight he said his friends said i was only doing it to attract other men and leave him (granted I didn't leave him because of that I left him because while I tried so hard to get him to work out with me he was too busy "working out" with a female gym partner)
I agree with alot of the other responses...reassure him that you are trying to be healthy and live a long life. My husband and I have started swimming together. Find something ya'll can do together even if it's an evening stroll. Find something he likes to do and do it in a way ya'll both can get what you want out of it.0 -
Before I deployed and had a change of heart, I used to sit on the couch with a beer while my wife did zumba, now I'm off the sauce and dieting myself!
My husband used to make fun of me for logging and working out all the time...now he's totally into it too!
My fiance isn't into fitness (so he says), though he supports me and encourages me when I push myself. Still, I've noticed his personal interest creeping up... like suddenly he's talking about his "goal weight" and asking me to go for a walk with him in the evening! He never did this stuff before!! I gotta say, its lit a little bit of a fire between us 0 -
It's called balance. I've actually had a boyfriend/husband physically call me up and tell me that I'm brain washing their SO with exercise (most I only see once or twice a week) or that I'm having affairs with them!!! Males can be very jealous and overprotective as well as insecure.
While losing weight to get to a normal range is important, what's more important is how you go about doing it and part of that is not to forget that others around you are affected. There should be at least one day of the week for you both, IMO. I personally do this and it's the day I look forward to each week.
Good luck.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
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Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Now that summer is here, maybe you guys can both go for long walk on the beach or parks….I think that’s a great way for both of you to spend some quality time, while exercising without even knowing it!0
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My hubby isn't big on working out either. But sometimes he's willing to just go for a walk and spend time talking. It helps of spend time together and walking is just walking, so it doesn't feel like exercise to him.0
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This is something I struggle with sometimes. My husband is totally behind my desire to workout but at times, I feel that he thinks working out and eating healthy has taken over my life and I have no time for him anymore. It comes out with little comments he makes here and there.
I had my turning point over 2 years ago and have been successful at keeping and exceeding what I accomplished. In all this time, I workout periodically but I also made sure I spend time with him. He knows working out is part of my life now and whether he likes it or not I will continue with it. I know that working out takes some time away from him so I try to do it at times that doesn't interfere much with activities, etc. If it does, I choose him over the workout.
It takes a lot of communication to get everyone on the same page. Talk to him, explain why this is important to you and how it will not get in the middle of your relationship. Make sure you are able to create a good balance between your fitness life and personal one.0 -
I went through a similar-ish situation and with our "busy can't seem to say no to people and events they invite us to" schedule, we're still working on trying to make more time for each other where we're only focusing on _US_.
One of the things that help is my BF has active hobbies... So we hike together. And he's teaching me to play golf... When football season starts, we spend time outdoors tossing and passing the football. We try to do things like, go to a park to grill and play frisbee golf. We're both into photography, so we try to find places to go where we walk around a lot while taking pictures, anything from just a trip to the city (urban hiking), the zoo, etc. Try and see if any of his hobbies can be spun into moderately active together activities.
Non-active-wise, we are going to start setting aside one night a week for a date night. Just the two of us, doing something fun - everyone and everything else taking a back seat. So on those nights, while I will still be eating as healthy as I can and logging my calories - I will not be fixating on fitness or what work I need to do or things that need to be done and he's going to do the same (in regards to his mind-worms/obsessions). (I also will not inform him of healthier food alternatives during our date nights - ahaha.) We both agreed, one a night a week, cannot possibly kill us. ^_^0 -
My BF is the same way. He will not work out or do anything active with me as he has a very physically demanding job and when he gets home its TV all the way. He just reminds me, "Remember who loved you when you were fat, so don't go trying to find someone hotter now that you got all skinny!" Its really a hidden compliment from him. They worry about losing us just as much as we worry about losing them. Just schedule time to spend with him...even if it is active. OR trick him to think you are doing something else that actually is active. My BF and I are going to the batting cages tomorrow...he doesn't realize that this will probably be a workout for me. He thinks we are doing what HE wants to do!!
I tried that..he hates all forms of exercise..You should find things you could do together, while still working out.
My fiance and I play tennis, we both like it, I'm doing it to workout and because I like it, he's doing it because he likes it. We both also bought bicycles three years ago and we ride them all the time.
Just try to find fun things you like to do and he likes to do, and do them together.0 -
I would just assure your partner (or just remind yourself) of this:
The happier you are in your body and in your life, the more fully present you will be with them, and with other areas of your life.
I don't know about you, but for me? The more miserable I am with my fitness and weight, the more it becomes this dark shadow over EVERYTHING else in my life. It is one of the major reasons I am trying my hardest this time to get fit, out of pain, and healthy again.... so everything I do doesn't come with a side of "if only I were thinner it would be better/easier/sexier/fill_in_word_here."
For me, being overweight and out of shape is like dragging along a third wheel everywhere I go. It really does hold me back from being 100% happy and present in my life. So, for me, focusing on my health now is for myself, but also so when I am with my husband or my son at the park or whatever, I am not me+ and all the insecurities that come with that. I will just be me.
Maybe their bigger fear (because I think it is insecurity and fear) is that as you change you will outgrow them as you upgrade yourself. sometimes that even happens because for some people they get stronger as they accomplish goals and do something they normally would have done but felt powerless, but for the *most* part I think that we are just letting go of what DOESN"T serve us anymore in terms of health, not in terms of who we love. Loving ourselves has never excluded us from loving them, so why would it just because we can kick *kitten* a bit faster and harder in the end ?
While I totally understand how that would weigh on you, don't carry the guilt for it. It isn't your guilt to carry. there is absolutely so much to GAIN for yourself and your relationship by getting healthy and fit and so little to lose. All you can do is assure your partner that you will always have time for them (and then make time for them to prove it of course) and then beyond that, do your thing 0 -
My husband is very supportive in many ways, but he will persist in bringing candy into the house. This despite our shared obesity and diabetes. I told him point blank that I had lived his lifestyle for 10 years and gained nearly 100 lbs and developed HPB and diabetes, and depression. Now, I was doing things my way. I am have lost 51 lbs since December, gotten my blood sugar and my diet under control, and started reclaiming the strong, fit, and happy me. I want him to join me, but that is his decision and only he can decide that.
Good luck with your man. I think there is a deep-seated insecurity at play, and he's going to have to make the mental changes to get past it. You need to focus on yourself as much as you can.0 -
You're working out for yourself and not for him.
Tell him he's being a Bojo.0 -
Tell him to stop worrying and start praying on ALL things, including this.
This definitely reaks of insecurity. I dont get a lot of modern day dudes, and Im damn sure glad I dont have to date them. Who wouldnt want someone they supposedly "love" to better themselves?0 -
The key is a balance. Just keep offering him to come to your classes. Maybe the fun ones, like kickboxing. If he doesn't want to at least try, then at least you can say that you offered him the opportunity to come spend time with you.
Also, find activities that you both can enjoy together. It doesn't necessarily have to be a form of exercise. My boy and I just started hiking together, and he loves it! Try: hiking, a sport (soccer, rugby, football?). Maybe try enticing him with a challenge to bring out his competitive testosterone. :flowerforyou:0 -
My BF's a linux nerd. He won't go for walks or exercise "for the sake of exercising", but he loves to ride bikes with me and he wants to go hiking. And he loves to swim. Dear god, does that boy love to swim...
There's always something. Exercise is 'my time', but I always love spending time with him too. 0 -
My husband is similar to a lot of you guys in that he will walk or hike with me, but no gym, classes, etc. He does complain about his weight from time to time (he isn't really overweight but he thinks he is) but he mostly keeps quiet because my reply is always "ok start calorie counting and lets go for a walk.") He is really supportive of me working out etc. though. Last night he was playing video games when I got home, and we were trying to figure out the evening... I was like "I'm not sure if I should try to get to the gym tonight" and he told me "Go, you always feel better when you get home". So I went, and he was right. 0
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