It hurts so bad...(2)

Thanks so much everyone. Everyone is so wonderful to me now. Its just so hard. The moment I feel like I grasped this, it hits me that I WILL NEVER see my mom again. We got her funeral arrangments around today. She was cremated today also, that was her wish. God it just kills. I just seen her healthy and alive 2 days ago. My family has never been closer then it has right now. And Im so worried about my dad. I feel like I will never be the same person again, I have worried about my mom for so long. she has had mini strokes and always in pain. We think she had an anyurism. She was comfortable in her bed when my dad found her. its.....i caan barly type. Thanks so much for all the support from everyone. I went to work and cried with all the nurses today. we were all like a big family. They are hopefull going to plant a tree in her memory. she worked for them for 25 years. She was so excitied that i was going to be on her unit. I dont know if I can work on that unit now, walking by her empty desk. My mom didnt have a very good life..lots of hurt and health problems and struggled with weight. she drank alot and my dad does too. I was pretty much her only "normal" child, thats why I was so determined to make her proud. I wanted her to feel like she didnt fail as a parent. I moved out at the age of 16. My mom suffered with depression. I just cant explain of bad it hurts to know her pain, how she was depressed and sick all the time...never feeling good.
I know I will greive for a very long time.
I know I will come out a stronger person.
I will make her proud.
God I miss here so much I wish I could just wake up from a horrible dream.
I would give anything just to tell her I loved her one more time and to kiss her.