Help...I'm envious and don't want to be

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jrbowers83
jrbowers83 Posts: 282 Member
in Motivation and Support
I hate feeling this way, and I keep hoping maybe as I focus more on the HEALTH reasons I'm dieting and exercising, some of it will go away. My husband and I got into a huge argument and it was the stupidest thing! It is very hard for me to lose weight, for so many reasons and I'm sure many of you have the same so I won't go into that right now. Well, my husband is 5' 11" and very lanky. He's never had to pay attention to what he eats, and is a very picky eater... the only veggies he would ever eat were potatoes, corn, and beans (all not REALLY vegs). This time I have serious health issues that kicked my butt into gear and I HAVE to lose weight (doctor's orders and all) The problem is that I asked my husband to help me along the way, and instead he has been very competitive about it. He went from drinking 6 sodas a day, to having 6-8 bottled waters a day, said he doesn't ever even WANT a soda now! For me, I want one everyday and just have to keep telling myself no. Then there's the whole eating thing. I'm now very big on getting rounded meals, with a variety of colors veggies and fruits, lean proteins and dairy, etc. And because I'm short, I can only have about 1200 cals/day. He on the other hand is able to indulge in 1940 cals. So I feel like I am starving, while all he does is cut back from 6 slices of pizza to 4! He eats out almost everyday, typically has only 2 meals a day. When I complain about it, he says I just need to TRY HARDER. And when I talk about hey I lost 1 pound, he's like "oh, I lost 2" It infuriates me and depresses. But I want to see the good things he's doing. He drinks water now, he will eat SOME veggies like broccoli and zucchini now, he is eating less even when he is eating out, and he uses MFP to track what he eats. I should feel good. But all I feel is like he doesn't even need to lose weight he's so skinny (but he's not underweight), he gets to eat whatever he wants (but he is at least paying attention to what he eats), he doesn't even have to exercise (which means that to lose the weight that he is he's basically starving himself, despite the fact that he eats 1600 cals at one meal). I'm so FRUSTRATED. Help me to concentrate more on the good reasons why I'm doing this so I don't have to be such a hater to my husband.

Replies

  • lotusfromthemud
    lotusfromthemud Posts: 5,335 Member
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    Ah, the joys of womanhood. It is flat-out easier for men to lose weight, and add in that he is naturally not heavy and I can see your envy.

    I would really recommend you talk to him about it. I think if you tell him exactly what you've told us, he may very likely understand. (I'm assuming you haven't told him that you're jealous of him.) I find that in my marriage, just talking through the emotions sometimes makes them go away. . .because right now you have the envy, coupled with guilt over the envy, tripled by (maybe) the difficulty of trying to keep this emotion from your husband.

    Just my two cents. . .but I think it's better to admit these emotions (which I frankly think you're entitled to. . .it is frustrating to have a hard time when someone else seems to have it easy) than to try to hide them.

    hth.:flowerforyou:
  • flowerpot
    flowerpot Posts: 6 Member
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    My husband has been trying to GAIN muscle weight while I've been trying to lose weight. He's naturally thin and tall and weight just falls off him if he doesn't eat 3-4000 calories a day. He's been doing P90X and trying to bulk up a bit, but it just means even more calories. It's crazy. It's not fair. It used to hurt my feelings when he would try to "encourage" me. I never exercised in front of him, because he would give me pointers and I felt like he was being critical. I just told him how it was, and asked him to let me have my exercise time alone. He tried to respect my feelings. Now that I've been exercising for over a year and a half, I don't feel that way. I've been doing MFP this year and I'm almost to my goal weight. Yippee! I feel better. Talk to your husband about how you feel. My husband is very competitive and it sounds like yours might be too. If you can't take the competition tell him about it. If you don't want to hear about his weight loss because it makes you depressed, tell him. Remember that your greatest competitor is yourself. Exercise and be healthy for you. Do it for your children. Do it so you can run and play with your grandchildren. Do it so you FEEL better. Do it so you feel empowered. Do it so you can look back and say, "Wow, I am strong, I am healthy." You can do it.
  • nolachick
    nolachick Posts: 3,278 Member
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    I used to be in the same boat, but I just started ignoring wht my bf did, if he wants to do good well fine. I just kinda don't ask about his diet/exercise and if he talks about it I kinda zone out. not to be mean but its hard to hear him say how much he's trying to GAIN weight (muscle and bulk up) and how hard it is while I just look at fast food and I gain. lol

    so I kinda just do my own thing and let him do his and am happy with my accomplishments. after all men don't have to deal with extra fat storage like us, monthly periods, hormones, etc and all the stress that comes with being a woman. we are just made differently and lose differently. once u accept this and get past it, u'll be fine.
  • pdxmomof2
    pdxmomof2 Posts: 643
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    I understand your feelings. My DH lost about 30 pounds in just 2 mths just by exercising. He didnt really change his diet. It was hard to watch it happen. But he needed it so I am happy for him. He got off his blood pressure meds and since he is uninsured that is great for him and our bank account! LOL!

    I am not defending how your husband is going about things but maybe he feels that the competativeness will help you get more motivated? Men like to be put up to a challenge and complete. He may not realize that he is making you feel this way at all. Talk to him and explain how his remarks are making you feel. He is a man and his caloric intake is going to be more than your due to height, etc. So he will always be aloud to eat more. That is something you will just need to get used to!

    Good luck!
  • jrbowers83
    jrbowers83 Posts: 282 Member
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    The problem is I DID talk to my husband. Told him I was doing this to get healthy and I wish he was too, just not all about his self-image. He said, "You are so rude. It's not MY fault I can eat all this and you can't!" I guess I worry that if he's feels like he's fat and needs to lose weight so much, what does he think of me? And he's had affairs in the past, so that doesn't help my self-image either. IDK, guess I REALLY do need to focus more on myself and the successes I've already had, not so much on the long road ahead of me. Lost another pound yesterday (that he didn't care about) and that makes 18 total for me (not reflected here, 15 was before I started MFP). I just wonder do the cravings go away with time? Or is seeing him eat going to make me envious forever?
  • nolachick
    nolachick Posts: 3,278 Member
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    with all due respect, ur husband doesnt sound like a very good husband. if he's had affairs in the past (plural) it seems like he doesn't respect u very much. and by the sound of it he doesnt sound very supportive of ur weight loss goals.

    well guess what? to hell with him! do what's best for you, stop caring about him and what he's doing. Focus on your journey and focus about feeling good about urself. when this is all over u will be smoking hot and he will be kicking himself for all the times he was not supportive and for fooling around with all those dirty ho's. Show him u don't need him to do this!

    I know u are a strong woman deep down so nothing that he says or does should get you down!
  • nolachick
    nolachick Posts: 3,278 Member
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    with all due respect, ur husband doesnt sound like a very good husband. if he's had affairs in the past (plural) it seems like he doesn't respect u very much. and by the sound of it he doesnt sound very supportive of ur weight loss goals.

    well guess what? to hell with him! do what's best for you, stop caring about him and what he's doing. Focus on your journey and focus about feeling good about urself. when this is all over u will be smoking hot and he will be kicking himself for all the times he was not supportive and for fooling around with all those dirty ho's. Show him u don't need him to do this!

    I know u are a strong woman deep down so nothing that he says or does should get you down!

    And yes the cravings and such do go away. Yesterday for lack of better options I had a hershey's chocolate for afternoon snack. before I could sit down and eat 3 candy bars at a time. yesterday after I ate it and logged it I thought to myself - what a waste of 200 calories. YUK :ohwell:
  • Hannah_Banana
    Hannah_Banana Posts: 1,242 Member
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    with all due respect, ur husband doesnt sound like a very good husband. if he's had affairs in the past (plural) it seems like he doesn't respect u very much. and by the sound of it he doesnt sound very supportive of ur weight loss goals.

    well guess what? to hell with him! do what's best for you, stop caring about him and what he's doing. Focus on your journey and focus about feeling good about urself. when this is all over u will be smoking hot and he will be kicking himself for all the times he was not supportive and for fooling around with all those dirty ho's. Show him u don't need him to do this!

    I know u are a strong woman deep down so nothing that he says or does should get you down!

    All of that x 1000000

    Crazy, stupid man. :angry:
  • ambercole
    ambercole Posts: 426
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    I know it sucks!!!!!! All my husband did was switch to diet sodas for 1 month and he lost 15lbs, I haven't had a soda in 3yrs and it didn't do me any good!!!! WTF!!!!!!:explode:
  • jrbowers83
    jrbowers83 Posts: 282 Member
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    Perhaps I overshared bc that really struck a chord with ya'll. But thanks so much for the support :smile: I try to leave the past in the past, but it has a way of slapping me in the face :grumble:

    What you are saying about me needing to do this for ME and focus on ME is absolutely right. I am just going to push through it, and I'm so glad that I have found some wonderful ppl who will support me on it.
  • ivykivy
    ivykivy Posts: 2,970 Member
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    How tall are you? You could try eating 1400-1500 calories instead of 1200. Add in some weights and you will be surprised how many sizes you drop even if your weight doesn't change much.

    Why are you envious that he is eating junk everyday that can lead to him having a heart attack? Learn how to make healthy version of the food you love at home and know that you are caring and loving your body while he is eating at Heart Attack Hut and McStrokes :wink:
  • tigerlilly24
    tigerlilly24 Posts: 130 Member
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    I feel your pain. My bf eats whatever he wants (usually fast food) and in huge amounts and complains how he can't gain weight! Well when I originally started to pack on the pounds he was very negative about it. He called me fat one day and I cut him off from "the goodies" for about a month. He can't compliment me enough nowadays. Every pound I lose he congratulates me and tells me how sexy I look and how proud he is. I know its underhanded to use sex that way but hey it worked:) Your man should understand that he needs to support you and his behavior is undermining your accomplishments.
  • Jessamine
    Jessamine Posts: 226 Member
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    I think your husband's goal should be to gain muscle - not lose weight. That would probably make it more of a challenge for him!
  • saraketner
    saraketner Posts: 53
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    I feel your pain! My husband is 6'3" and 175 pounds! He eats like a teenager and worst of all, if he doesn't have a snack right at bedtime, he actually loses weight in his sleep!
    It is soo frustrating to be trying to get into healthy shape when you live with someone who doesn't have to work at it.
    I just try to focus on myself and not compare what I eat to what he does or doesn't eat. I am doing this for myself... my self esteem, for my future, for my health. If he wants to eat a big Mac everyday, so be it. I know that in the end I am going to not only look great but feel great and those big Mac's will just make him sluggish and lazy.
  • pdxmomof2
    pdxmomof2 Posts: 643
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    18 pounds lost is a great thing! Do it for you and that cutie pie you are holding in your AV! If he choses to be positive with you than that is a bonus for sure!
  • Mina133842
    Mina133842 Posts: 1,573 Member
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    I say, don't look for support from him- this is YOUR thing - I know it makes it easier when everyone is on the "same page" about health and stuff, but maybe find a support friend that's close to home, and isn't him. I have several girlfriends, and at least 2 co-workers helping me out, not to mention all my family cheering me on. I think mostly you're looking for the "cheering" section, and he's not providing that to you, it's like you're the home team, and he's the "visiting" team, and he's competing, not cheering you on. Sounds to me like you need a great big hug, a slap on the butt, and a high 5! so here they are for ya! Look for support somewhere else, I think it'll make you feel better! You can even join some of the groups on here - there are lots of good ones. AS for your marriage- that's between you and him, and though I might not agree with things, YOU ultimately choose your own destiny, and walk in your shoes, so YOU ALONE are the one that can decide what's right for you.
  • keiko
    keiko Posts: 2,919 Member
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    You are doing great on your loss so far. Keep up the good work and remember you are doing it for you and your health.
    I agree with Ivykivy about trying to up your calories, I was starving at 1200 but 1400 worked great for me. In fact I lost weight at 1400 and I wasn't at 1200.
    Funny you asked about cravings. Today I was in the grocery store and I was standing in the potato chip aisle. I looked at all the chips, cheetos.... things I use to love to eat a whole bag of. Today I looked at them and none of them tempted me or even looked good. Yes, sometimes I'll get a craving and buy one of those little 25 cent bags at the check out but those days are few are far between.
    You are going to be so surprised one day when you look back on your journey and see how far you've come, how healthy and good you feel and how happy you are. :flowerforyou:
  • kerimcdonald
    kerimcdonald Posts: 195
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    I am so sorry that you feel the way you do. I get you though. I want to lose weight to be healthy and set a good example for my daughter, blah blah blah...
    Whether we want to admit it or not, we do it to look better too. selfish and artificial? Maybe, but cold hard truth. it does sound like respect is an issue though. I know that if I were in yur shoes I would be creative. The next time that he says he lost 2 pounds to your 1 I would remark "that's funny, cause you would think that you'd be able to see some muscles or something by now. That would be sexy." Give him a taste of how he makes you feel. If he responds, tell him that it's how he motivates you so you thought that was what he wanted. They don't think the way we do. They don't believe something hurts until they feel it for themselves. And you should be proud of yourself. He's probably being so competitive about it because he's afraid that if you lose weight and get hot, what if YOU don't want HIM anymore? To a man, that's freakin scary. Good luck and best wishes.
  • niky1215
    niky1215 Posts: 49
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    It seems that we all have similar stories! I too have a bf that cannot gain weight. He is 5'9 and has just managed to break 130 lbs. And this was with working out 5 days a week and eating what I would guess is around 4000 calories a day. For him to get to break that he had to gain about 5 lbs and that took almost a month. Now I can have one day of bad eating and gain 5 lbs. Okay I a little bit of an exaggeration but everyone knows what I mean. It can get very frustrating. Just try to remember why you are doing this and just try to ignore his negativity.
  • nolachick
    nolachick Posts: 3,278 Member
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    Perhaps I overshared bc that really struck a chord with ya'll. But thanks so much for the support :smile: I try to leave the past in the past, but it has a way of slapping me in the face :grumble:

    What you are saying about me needing to do this for ME and focus on ME is absolutely right. I am just going to push through it, and I'm so glad that I have found some wonderful ppl who will support me on it.

    Sorry girl, did not mean to be all up in ur bizniz, just hate it when a man disrespects his wife like that.

    I'm glad you are taking what I said serius tho - this is for you, doesn't matter what else anyone else does or doesn't do.

    Stick to it girl, you can do it. If you ever feel like its impossible, go to the movtivation threads. U will see success stories on there about people who went from like 250lbs to like 130, some of 'em even have before and after pics that will make ur jaw hit the floor!

    Good luck! :flowerforyou:

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