Mind of an ADDICT *WARNING: Long Winded Brutal Honesty*
Worth_the_Weight
Posts: 6
Lap Band, Phentermine, Weight Watchers, HCG (PART TWO)
Formal Introduction:
The reason for my non successes (i refuse to call them failures because it's NOT over...) was because of my addiction to food. I used to tell myself that I just always FELT hungry and if I could suppress my appetite then I would lose weight. WRONG. I learned with the lapband that it's not about the physical hunger when it comes to me. I LIVE to eat. I eat to FEEL happy.
(Bring on the Violins).....
My whole life I've been overweight and treated like an outcast. Never made many friends...too insecure for dating...I do not have a "gift" or even any hobbies to be honest. I can't sing, act, or draw/paint ... I don't have any knacks for sewing, building, cooking..etc etc (trust me I've tried). I'd always felt I had nothing IN my life that brought me happiness...EXCEPT food (and shopping but that's just trading one ugly addiction for another). It's sad and quite pathetic but very true. So while books are recommending that you replace something that you just absolutly LOVE to do with food....well my thoughts were " i absolutly LOVE food"...so with that mentality...lapband wasn't for me. I just found ways to cheat it....and it doesn't help that with the lapband I can't tolerate 95% of fresh fruits I once loved. :-(. For the longest time when everyone found out I'd had lapband in 2007 and they look at me now..big as ever and say "what happened...you went under the knife...isn't that a sure thing?"...I would go into the huge lie of how Lapband doesn't work when in reality I knew I was preventing it FROM working. So while I've lost 10 pounds here and there on the many different diets, two things happen(ed)....First, I'd relapse....like a true addict all it takes is a slice of chocolate cake, a crab rangoon, or cheese pizza and nirvana kicks in and tells me this is as good as it gets because sadly this is all I've known. I'd always looked at being thin as equaling happiness. I FORESEE me gaining confidence, acceptance, more opportunities and experiences. The problem was that the only happiness I'd known came from the pleasures in eating the foods I love. So whenever I tried phentermine, hcg, and other tools that suppressed my appetite....yes I lost weight but I was literally miserable. So just a month into any program and not only am I still morbidly obese but now I'm utterly miserable (no form of exercise is fun to me so exercising just compounded the feeling of being miserable). So what makes me happy? FOOD. It's my catch 22. The idea of experiencing something I've never experienced (the HOPE of being thin) never compared to the FEELING I've always gotten from food. So in my mind .... it's either: suffer and hang on to the HOPE that being thin will make you happy or eat and KNOW you will feel happy. I'd always choose the latter. Call it weak but this is the mindset of an addict.
I'm not going to lie....I've had this same "eureka" moment every new years eve...hell, every first of the month! So, what makes this time different? Absolutely nothing. I know I may be an addict to some and simply weak to others but one thing I am not is a quitter.
Formal Introduction:
The reason for my non successes (i refuse to call them failures because it's NOT over...) was because of my addiction to food. I used to tell myself that I just always FELT hungry and if I could suppress my appetite then I would lose weight. WRONG. I learned with the lapband that it's not about the physical hunger when it comes to me. I LIVE to eat. I eat to FEEL happy.
(Bring on the Violins).....
My whole life I've been overweight and treated like an outcast. Never made many friends...too insecure for dating...I do not have a "gift" or even any hobbies to be honest. I can't sing, act, or draw/paint ... I don't have any knacks for sewing, building, cooking..etc etc (trust me I've tried). I'd always felt I had nothing IN my life that brought me happiness...EXCEPT food (and shopping but that's just trading one ugly addiction for another). It's sad and quite pathetic but very true. So while books are recommending that you replace something that you just absolutly LOVE to do with food....well my thoughts were " i absolutly LOVE food"...so with that mentality...lapband wasn't for me. I just found ways to cheat it....and it doesn't help that with the lapband I can't tolerate 95% of fresh fruits I once loved. :-(. For the longest time when everyone found out I'd had lapband in 2007 and they look at me now..big as ever and say "what happened...you went under the knife...isn't that a sure thing?"...I would go into the huge lie of how Lapband doesn't work when in reality I knew I was preventing it FROM working. So while I've lost 10 pounds here and there on the many different diets, two things happen(ed)....First, I'd relapse....like a true addict all it takes is a slice of chocolate cake, a crab rangoon, or cheese pizza and nirvana kicks in and tells me this is as good as it gets because sadly this is all I've known. I'd always looked at being thin as equaling happiness. I FORESEE me gaining confidence, acceptance, more opportunities and experiences. The problem was that the only happiness I'd known came from the pleasures in eating the foods I love. So whenever I tried phentermine, hcg, and other tools that suppressed my appetite....yes I lost weight but I was literally miserable. So just a month into any program and not only am I still morbidly obese but now I'm utterly miserable (no form of exercise is fun to me so exercising just compounded the feeling of being miserable). So what makes me happy? FOOD. It's my catch 22. The idea of experiencing something I've never experienced (the HOPE of being thin) never compared to the FEELING I've always gotten from food. So in my mind .... it's either: suffer and hang on to the HOPE that being thin will make you happy or eat and KNOW you will feel happy. I'd always choose the latter. Call it weak but this is the mindset of an addict.
I'm not going to lie....I've had this same "eureka" moment every new years eve...hell, every first of the month! So, what makes this time different? Absolutely nothing. I know I may be an addict to some and simply weak to others but one thing I am not is a quitter.
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Replies
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I used to feel the same way as well. I never have gotten bigger than what I am today, but I'm working harder to be healthier. It's really brave of you to speak your story. Thanks for sharing.
Hopefully, all goes well in your journey.0 -
Thanx 4 the support @ honeybunny. I was hoping at least somebody could relate to some aspect. Good luck on your journey as well.0
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I can't relate completely, but if you need some support feel free to add. :-)0
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I totally agree that it took a lot of courage for you to share your story. I think we all have our demons that plague us.
Though I haven't been overweight all of my life, having 2 kids really took a toll on my body. It gave me the excuse to "let go" and gained ridiculous amounts of weight bec. of it. (1st pregnancy - 80lbs. 2nd pregnancy- 50 lbs) I'm still about 25lbs from my goal.
Keep staying aware and just remember that you have to take one small victory at a time, a day at a time.
GL, sweetie.
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Hey, you are realy hard on yourself, I have an addiction to alcohol, and go to AA, so I have been sober a long time. But I find myself substituting chocolate or cheese, (or anything I like the taste of) AA has a one day at a time principal that works pretty good for me, but like you if I give in and let myself have a taste of choc or cheese, I am off to the races. So....... I just try to not have Choc or Cheese in the house and that helps. Hang in there, you can do this!! :flowerforyou: Victoria0
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I hope you break through and have an awesome journey into finding something that works for you, I'm still looking but along the way I found perservierance ( no spell checker here) and I keep trying new things till I find what it is I'm looking for. I've lost 80 lbs. doing different things but, like you, I am not a quitter. Fight your demons, that's my self talk to myself. Every day I find something in myself to stay on this journey to learn to be healthy. Good luck, I'll look forward to seeing your after picture!!!!0
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I'm an addict, too. I understand. I've always compared it to drugs and alcohol, BUT, the problem with being a food addict is that you can't go "cold turkey." You have to eat. You can't just cut it ALL out like drugs or alcohol and my personality tends to be an "all or nothing" type personality. So, I"ve tried to go "cold turkey" on some foods...foods that are a major weakness, like soda, cookies, cakes, candies.
Good luck on your journey. If you learn any insights into it, please share.0 -
I have never had lapband but I can relate to where your coming from. I was an emotional eater for the longest time in my life. I am currently on a weight loss journey that started officially June 10th and have lost 10lbs just by tweaking my portions and strickly drinking just water. I started a weight loss vlog on youtube. I found that accountabilty helps, knowing someone is watching my videos and I have to be completly honest with whats going on and can't lie about my weight loss since obviously people watching can see me. It takes alot to admit this about yourself, and thats a big step. I posted pics of myself at 319.6lbs and that took alot but it helped push me to want to change my habits. Please feel free to add me I am looking for motivation buddies and accoutabilty. I wish you the best on your journey. You can do this.0
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Hey, you are realy hard on yourself, I have an addiction to alcohol, and go to AA, so I have been sober a long time. But I find myself substituting chocolate or cheese, (or anything I like the taste of) AA has a one day at a time principal that works pretty good for me, but like you if I give in and let myself have a taste of choc or cheese, I am off to the races. So....... I just try to not have Choc or Cheese in the house and that helps. Hang in there, you can do this!! :flowerforyou: Victoria
I, too, have 12 yrs sober in AA. The problem is you can't abstain from food completely like we can from alcohol. But I do know once I put junk in my body I CRAVE it, so one day at a time I keep the junk out of my body. Instead of looking down the line a year from now, or the "rest of my life", try going at it one day at a time...maybe even one hour at a time. It takes 7 minutes for a craving for booze and drugs to pass, try that with food. Go one day at a time, clear the junk food out of the house and stock it with healthy food and if you have to break that day up into hours then do that as well. Also, look into Overeaters Anonymous...it's based on the same exact 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, who I credit, along with God, for my 12 + years in recovery. If you believe in God, ask him every morning for help too. If He can keep me sober, trust me, He can help you with your addiction. Feel free to friend me for motivation and JUST KEEP TRYING!!0 -
Your honesty and difficult journey got my attention like a sudden stop sign. You have a nack for writing. Your narrative seemed to have written with a certain amout of ease. At least that is what I felt while reading it. It also affected me emotionally which is something hard to do. Maybe you could start a diary, writing down your thoughts and to try using this tool to help steer away from food. Many addicts start their road to recovery by learning to love themselves...many of them don't you know. If you need support, you are welcomed to add me as a friend.
Good luck on your journey...and ...yes you can!0 -
I understand your stance completely. I always had a fast metabolism growing up. Three kids later I don't & now I'm heavier than I ever was pregnant. I realized I've always been an emotional eater but when I lived with my parents I didn't have many unhealthy choices & that plus my fast metabolism kep it from ever being evident. Realizing what the problem is and how to address it is the first step. Good luck on your journey. Feel free to add me if you need support.0
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Hi,
I know that you mentioned you don't have a "gift" or talent that can help you through this. I want to let you know I disagree with that. Did you ever think that you gift could be helping others? You explained your thoughts and emotions in a very personal way. This is a gift, trust me because I don't have it. It is really hard for me to talk about any of my issues. Your open nature is an endearing quality that can help others. I would just bet that if you put yourself in situations to show others this quality, you might find it rewarding.0 -
I feel as tho I could have written some of your post. Hang in there... add me for support if you want. You are beautiful and you have a way with words, so I wouldn't say you have no talents..0
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Have you sought psychological help? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you sound crazy, or that the addiction isn't real. But the talk about not really being interested in anything else (no hobbies, etc.) is very descriptive of depression. And the killer thing about depression is that it makes everything seem so much harder. IF that's the case for you (and I'm not qualified to say it is or isn't), you might be surprised at.how it changes your outlook & self-discipline (& self-confidence!) once you get the depression under control.
Whatever you decide, I'm so sorry this has been such a rough journey for you, and wish you the best.0 -
you know, im a heroin addict in recovery and if you replaced drugs with food in your story, it'd almost be the same story. and heroin may sound big, bad, and scary, but honest to god, an addict is an addict, and if food is you're drug of choice, it is just as serious and should be taken just as seriously by other people.. maybe even more so because people have to eat to survive, so it's not like you can just quit food.
youi know, i see some people have talked about going to AA for their alcoholism.... maybe you should consider going to a meeting... NA is more for like general drug addiction, but they're all the same.. and it's not about specific drugs, it's about recovering from addiction, and honestly, the feelings you have towards food is really similar to the way people talk about using in these meetings. seriously, you would not be considered out of place at all if you shared that story in a meeting, and you can really find some useful tools to stay on the wagon.
i wish you the best of luck.0 -
I totally agree with you that no amount of weight loss surgery or whatever else you do can really take away the addiciton. Its just a temporary fix. I know for me what has helped me to try and change my obsession with food around is relying on God. I still struggle, but when I rely on God to "fill" me up, it makes a huge difference. I think its a good idea to dig down deep and figure out what it is that makes you want to eat to numb your feelings. It usually goes back to childhood and I know that's true for me. Feel free to add me if you'd like.0
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My dad's an alcoholic (in recovery... sober 15 years and I'm so proud of him) but my childhood was pretty rough (almost non-existent) my parent's divorced when I was about 6 or 7 and there were times when I was at my dad's house (for his day with me) and he would send me outside to play with the neighbors so he could sit and drink beer all day (and not feel bad about doing it in front of me I guess?) Anyway... regardless of how "bad" things were I've always been a total "Daddy's Girl" and when he started on his road to recovery, I fully supported him BUT I didn't understand why he HAD to go to AA meetings on the night of the week I was there... I was there to visit HIM, not hang out with my step-brothers (that's a whole 'nother issue)... so I asked him one day, because surely, they have these meetings all the time (I knew this, I'd seen a schedule or something), so he invited me to this Sunday Brunch they had where other family members went and one guy gave his testimony and I finally understood that it wasn't just about a meeting, it was about the people you surround yourself with. People who will support you and guide you along your journey.
**I have a point, I promise**
More recently, a conversation with my dad (who still goes to meetings but also helps out with the local 1st step house) somehow turned into talking about weight and I opened up about why I thought (think) I've gained 100 pounds since high school. I said that there were times when I just couldn't help it, if there's a bag of Doritos in the cupboard, it won't even last 2 days... I might not touch it the day it enters the house, but you can bet the next day I'll be digging in and before I know it, I look down and it's empty. And it's like this with other foods too... it's like I NEED it...I said "I don't know what it is...food always tastes good, and I feel good while I'm eating it but soon after I feel like crap! Not just from being bloated from overeating, but I hate myself, and I dont know how to cope with that so I go find something else to eat" My dad didn't say anything, just gave me one of those "dad looks" that told me "You sound just like me" But unlike my dad who chooses not to drink, I can't just not eat. I have to wake up everyday and make a decision to make the best choices I can0 -
Every single thing you just said (aside from Lapband surgery) resonated with me to the point where I nearly started to cry because I feel the same way you do. I have few friends, if any that really mean something. I'm too self conscious to date. And I feel that food is the only thing that makes me happy. I've tried to find things that I love in order to replace this addiction with something more positive, but I feel like everything I do makes me feel worse.
On the outside I make it seem like I'm confident and happy and I don't let anything bring me down, but on the inside, everything changes. I'm so unhappy I've been deemed clinically depressed and have taken Lexapro for nearly a year. I'm so insecure that I look for other insecure people to be around just so I can feel slightly better about myself. I start problems just so I can feel hatred toward someone other that myself. I hate my life and myself so much that I've contemplated ending it all on several occasions, the most recent being last week.
But somehow, I find hope every now and then, even if it's just a glimmer. Maybe it's the kindness of a stranger, maybe it's something uplifting I see on the news, maybe it's a TV show with a positive message, but something shows me that I have inner strength and that someday I WILL overcome this. I am NOT the loser I feel like on the inside. I'm the WINNER I project on the outside. I just need to find something to focus on other than food. I found my passion: weather and meteorology. I know someday you will find yours and that passion will consume you to the point where food no longer becomes your addiction. Yes, I've had my "down days" but I always find a way to pick myself up.
You definitely sound like someone who refuses to give up, especially when you say "non successes" instead of "failures" because that just shows how strongly dedicated you are to your well being. I know one day you'll look on this post and see it as a transition point. Just remember: Failure is NEVER an option when it comes to your health.0 -
While I have never been severely overweight, I have always been heavier and am an emotional eater as well. I have tried just about every diet out there thinking something would work. Nothing ever did. I take it one day at a time. Substitute unhealthy foods for healthier options, lowered my portion sizes. Slowly but surely I have been watching the weight come off. The trick for me is to keep the junk food out of the house, therefore I am not tempted. I have 1 cheat day a week where I eat whatever the heck I feel like (but still log it). I also don't deprive myself of foods I love. I just eat them in moderation. It takes time to retrain your body and mind to a new lifestyle. Don't be too hard on yourself. You haven't given up and that is wonderful. It truly is a journey and I wish you the best of luck!0
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I know just how you feel, the first step to any recovery is admitting your addiction, I think you've done that very well. You know the problem, now you just need to find a way that works for you to be free from it, and you will find it.0
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Yes, the reality is WE LOVE FOOD!!!! It amazes me that some people don't understand that. How can something I find to be so pleasurable just mean "oh yeah, I eat cause you gotta" to someone else.
I want to tell you about a program I came across through a friend who was appx. 5'8" tall and I'm guessing about 225-250 pounds. I knew her for about 15 years, but hadn't seen her for 2 or 3 years. My daughter is best friends with her daughter, and told me she was losing weight, and so was my daughter's friend. Her friend was 15, about 5"11" tall, and easily 275-300 pounds. They both were down to about a size 5 or 7. I was amazed and asked her what she'd done. She sent me to:
Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous
This is different that Overeaters Anonymous. The first thing I noticed was that at least half the people in the room were somewhere between thin and normal in size. I'd never seen that at a Weight Watcher's or OA meeting. Their program is AA based and is stricter than the OA program. They have a website, and if you're a true food addict I really think these people could be of help to you if you will give them and the program a chance.
I'm 46, and when I was younger I too thought there was absolutely no hope and I would be miserable forever. I think you may find that if you can work through some of the addictive issues you may find that you enjoy many more things in life. Also, it's almost always helpful to find a counselor to talk about these and other issues. Been there, done that, and very happy with who I am now - even with the excess weight. Now I'm just perfecting myself :bigsmile:
You can work through this - just find the help you need, whether it be MFP, the group I mentioned, something else, or all of the above put together. I'll be thinking of you:flowerforyou:0 -
I don't think you are in the least bit weak - in fact, I think you've got a lot of courage to be so open with your struggles. I can't say that I am a food addict, but I definitely am an emotional eater, and a life long yo-yo dieter. But - like you, I refuse to give up! I intend to see this one through and I definitely find that MFP helps - my MFP pals inspire me to work out and eat healthy, encourage me, and offer advice that keeps me motivated and on track. Feel free to add me for support and motivation - you can never have enough cheerleaders in your corner.0
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I love food too (especially cake) and anything to do with caramel. . . caramel. . . caramel. . .
But, for me, it's time to Rule #5 (http://www.velominati.com/the-rules/#5). I've only been in since second week of March. . . tapered off in June, but now it's hammer down.0
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