Boyfriend issue, need advice. Don't know where to post this
bananasucre
Posts: 1
in Chit-Chat
Hi everyone. I am having an issue and need some advice. This is so mellow dramatic, I know. Even though I sound like one here, I'm not a teenager. I'm in my mid-twenties and have been dating this guy for the past 6 months or so. I really like him. We have a lot of fun together and everything. We have a lot of issues though.
We started dating and things were going well. We spent a lot of time together, had a lot of fun. He would always bring up the exclusivity talk. I was only living in his city for a few more months though, and just wanted to keep things casual, so I told him that. Things were casual, and it was great. Then, we both left to go on separate vacations for 2 weeks each. He brought up the talk again, I was a little hesitant, because I know what its like to be traveling, and I thought it was better to just keep things casual so no one's feelings got hurt. He was very persistent though, and I did really like him, so I agreed to be exclusive. While I was away, I met someone who I started to develop feelings for. I felt really guilty about it, so before anything happened I emailed my boyfriend and told him. He completely lost it. I felt horrible, decided not to pursue anything with the other guy, and the two of us went on our separate ways. When I got home and saw my boyfriend, things were great again, but then I was moving to a different city, and our relationship turned into long distance.
It turns out that while he was away on vacation, he met someone else, and had a 2 week long romance with her. The truth came out, through facebook. He denied it, and lied and lied, but then it finally came out and he admitted to it. We broke up, and I was obviously upset and confused, but was fine going my separate way. I didn't really understand, because I told him so many times that it was OK with me for us to keep things casual and see other people while we were away. But, he insisted that we be exclusive. He obviously just wanted to keep me from doing anything, while he went off and did whatever he wanted.
So, we broke up and went our separate ways. He kept calling me, which I never answered, and then a week later just showed up on my doorstep one day. He apologized profusely, said it was a huge mistake, showed me that he had broken things off with the other girl, blah blah blah. Like I said, I know what its like to be traveling, and I feel like I can excuse vacation romance. So, I decided to give him a chance to try and make it up to me. Things have been going well so far. He's making a huge effort to prove to me that he's trustworthy.
But, the two of us are supposed to be going away next weekend to celebrate my birthday. We'll be gone Thurs-Sat. Sat night I have plans with some girlfriends, so will be doing my own thing. He keeps on talking about this friend he has in the same city where we'll be, and how excited he is to see "him". This friend will conveniently be out of town Thurs-Sat, so I can't meet him, but will be available Sat night when I'm busy. My boyfriend is going to go and spend Sat night with this friend. For some reason, I feel like he's lying to me, and that this friend is another girl. I don't know why, but I just have this feeling, and I'm usually right about these things. I asked him about it, and he denies it. I can't believe him though.
I'm really struggling with this, because I do like spending time with this guy, and I have fun with him. I want to pursue something casual with him, and continue to date other people as well. The only problem is that I do have feelings for him, and I feel like I'm going to get attached, and that I can't trust him to not hurt me. I want to just be able to enjoy my time with him casually, but I don't know if I'm capable of that.
Do you all think I'm being stupid, and should just cut things off with him, or should I try to do the casual thing? I'm really torn about this. I know I sound like a stupid girl, which I definitely am being.
What would you do? I would really appreciate any advice at all.
We started dating and things were going well. We spent a lot of time together, had a lot of fun. He would always bring up the exclusivity talk. I was only living in his city for a few more months though, and just wanted to keep things casual, so I told him that. Things were casual, and it was great. Then, we both left to go on separate vacations for 2 weeks each. He brought up the talk again, I was a little hesitant, because I know what its like to be traveling, and I thought it was better to just keep things casual so no one's feelings got hurt. He was very persistent though, and I did really like him, so I agreed to be exclusive. While I was away, I met someone who I started to develop feelings for. I felt really guilty about it, so before anything happened I emailed my boyfriend and told him. He completely lost it. I felt horrible, decided not to pursue anything with the other guy, and the two of us went on our separate ways. When I got home and saw my boyfriend, things were great again, but then I was moving to a different city, and our relationship turned into long distance.
It turns out that while he was away on vacation, he met someone else, and had a 2 week long romance with her. The truth came out, through facebook. He denied it, and lied and lied, but then it finally came out and he admitted to it. We broke up, and I was obviously upset and confused, but was fine going my separate way. I didn't really understand, because I told him so many times that it was OK with me for us to keep things casual and see other people while we were away. But, he insisted that we be exclusive. He obviously just wanted to keep me from doing anything, while he went off and did whatever he wanted.
So, we broke up and went our separate ways. He kept calling me, which I never answered, and then a week later just showed up on my doorstep one day. He apologized profusely, said it was a huge mistake, showed me that he had broken things off with the other girl, blah blah blah. Like I said, I know what its like to be traveling, and I feel like I can excuse vacation romance. So, I decided to give him a chance to try and make it up to me. Things have been going well so far. He's making a huge effort to prove to me that he's trustworthy.
But, the two of us are supposed to be going away next weekend to celebrate my birthday. We'll be gone Thurs-Sat. Sat night I have plans with some girlfriends, so will be doing my own thing. He keeps on talking about this friend he has in the same city where we'll be, and how excited he is to see "him". This friend will conveniently be out of town Thurs-Sat, so I can't meet him, but will be available Sat night when I'm busy. My boyfriend is going to go and spend Sat night with this friend. For some reason, I feel like he's lying to me, and that this friend is another girl. I don't know why, but I just have this feeling, and I'm usually right about these things. I asked him about it, and he denies it. I can't believe him though.
I'm really struggling with this, because I do like spending time with this guy, and I have fun with him. I want to pursue something casual with him, and continue to date other people as well. The only problem is that I do have feelings for him, and I feel like I'm going to get attached, and that I can't trust him to not hurt me. I want to just be able to enjoy my time with him casually, but I don't know if I'm capable of that.
Do you all think I'm being stupid, and should just cut things off with him, or should I try to do the casual thing? I'm really torn about this. I know I sound like a stupid girl, which I definitely am being.
What would you do? I would really appreciate any advice at all.
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Replies
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Whenever I have had a dilemma like this in the past, if I need to ask myself, "am I being stupid?" It means... that I'm being stupid! :blushing:
I think you already know what people are going to say, but that you were maybe needing some confirmation to walk away... being casual with this guy is just not going to work, because he is playing head games with you and is going to jerk you around and treat you badly. Find someone who is on the same page as you are - someone who you can really trust and enjoy their company!0 -
Once a cheater USUALLY always a cheater. Maybe if he had come clean the first time you approached him about him cheating on you I'd say maybe give him another shot. However he kept lying and lying. I would definitely go with your gut on this one. Plus, didn't you say that you weren't even gonna in the same city at some point in the future?? "When the cat's away, the mice will play".......0
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Mellow dramatic? Lolz0
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Whenever I have had a dilemma like this in the past, if I need to ask myself, "am I being stupid?" It means... that I'm being stupid! :blushing:
I think you already know what people are going to say, but that you were maybe needing some confirmation to walk away... being casual with this guy is just not going to work, because he is playing head games with you and is going to jerk you around and treat you badly. Find someone who is on the same page as you are - someone who you can really trust and enjoy their company!
well said
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I totally agree with PittBullMamma....kick him to the curb!0
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Mellow dramatic? Lolz
yeah, she was real mellow about being dramatic
as opposed to being melodramatic0 -
I stopped reading at "we have a lot of issues though"
"Issues" don't stop or go away. Especially when they involve trust and honestly.
Walk away. It's great you had a good time, keep the good memories and save yourself a miserable future.
A lying man is not worth it, EVER.0 -
Once a cheater USUALLY always a cheater. Maybe if he had come clean the first time you approached him about him cheating on you I'd say maybe give him another shot. However he kept lying and lying. I would definitely go with your gut on this one. Plus, didn't you say that you weren't even gonna in the same city at some point in the future?? "When the cat's away, the mice will play".......
Sorry. Just plain not true. The first sentance anyway. I won't even go into the flawed logic on that one.
As for the OP, if you're that concerned about it then say something to the BF. Tell him point blank that because of what happened in the past, there's a trust issue involved that HE helped create, and if HE is truly interested in pursuing a relationship with you, then HE needs to help resolve it. Whether it's demanding to meet the friend that he's going to be hanging wih, or what I don't know - that's something you and he both need to come to an agreement on. But he was the one that created the situation, so IMO he needs to be part of the solution, or he needs to go away.
I hate to say this, because I don't think you're gonna want to hear it: But it doesn't sound like you're particularly invested in the relationship. You want to see him casually, but you don't want anything permanent or serious. I can't help but thinking maybe that's the answer right there - you aren't serious about it, so maybe it's better to just walk away and avoid getting hurt again.0 -
Just one question.... if you can "excuse vacation romance" will you also be able to "excuse" business trip romance for the rest of your life?
He is controlling and will most likely end up abusive. (90% of controlling men are)
Kick his *kitten* to the curb. if you guys have this much trouble after 6 months.. i cant imagine your therapy bill after marriage.
Good Luck!0 -
Trust your first instinct. If you feel like something is up, it probably is.0
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Listen to your gut!0
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It sounds like he's sneaking around. I suggest you need to dump him and find someone who can be faithful. He has cheated before and had a fit about the guy you met on vacation cause he was messing around.0
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Honestly, in situations like that, I usually force myself to do two things.
The first is tell all four of my best friends separately (to get pure reactions from them, I do it this way).
Second, I pick up the phone to call my Dad or Gran to cry about it.
If, in either of the six conversations, I find myself having to defend someone else's behaviour (or worse, am too embarrassed to bring it up) than I know something isn't right and that the relationship isn't right for me.
If, in any of those conversations, the other person says, "And this is a problem because...?" I drop it right away.
Sometimes, feelings get hurt and we don't make clear decisions, or (if you're like me) you want to fix everyone's problems and end up a doormat. I find that my best friends and closest family are good walls to bounce these feelings off of because they all literally only have my best interest in mind. As a collective, they have various opinions, but they care about me.
It gives me multiple perspectives to consider and that always helps.
All that said... I wouldn't be involved with this guy. I know that whether or not I was exclusive with someone, if they did this to me and lied about it, the trust would be truly damaged. If you can't trust them, it won't work.0 -
I agree with Pitbullmama - trust your gut on this one.
This saying is from Pinterest - Brotip 1293 I am renaming #1 Sistip for kicking him to the curb:
You don't have to have sex to cheat, once you find yourself deleting text, you're probably almost there.
It wasn't text on a phone but a more accessable site, which numerous others can read his double dealing, dishonest ways.
You have given him the benefit of the doubt, don't change your plans for Saturday night, go out with the girls, as planned. If you see him on Sunday, you will know if he was out wth the guys or not.0 -
Cut Ties all together. I totally understand your situation. I have had one similar to it. If he was with another girl on vacation , then when you leave he will more than likely "be with another woman". Don't be the girl, that he runs to when his flings are over! I use to be that girl, that a guy friend of mine ran too, when his relationships went south. I was a "Hey let's have a good time, and be intimate with no strings" which was heart breaking for me. I pursued him for a year, never pushed us getting serious. I was always there, just trying to be the girl; that wasn't dramatic, didn't judge, didn't ask, and was just easy going. I eventually got fed up with being 2nd best.
So I started looking for men who were serious and wanted marriage. I found my husband , and got married. They guy, who agreed that we would always be friends didnt even come to my wedding as he promised. He went off on one of his drunken endeavors, and got a girl pregnant . Now he has another son, and that relationship fell apart , a month after he was born.
One night, while my husband was at work, he showed up on my door step, and revealed all the feelings he ever had for me. He wished that he had asked me to marry him, and his new son would be ours. And he claimed he could make me even happier than I already was.( Which is impossible, cause I am extremely happy)
So honey, do not put up with the bs, ok. He will realize, everyone has a one that got away. Well i was his.0 -
Tell him point blank that because of what happened in the past, there's a trust issue involved that HE helped create, and if HE is truly interested in pursuing a relationship with you, then HE needs to help resolve it. Whether it's demanding to meet the friend that he's going to be hanging wih, or what I don't know - that's something you and he both need to come to an agreement on. But he was the one that created the situation, so IMO he needs to be part of the solution, or he needs to go away.
I have to agree with this^^^!0 -
You are a person who is created with intrinsic value. As such, you deserve to be treated as an individual with unlimited value. If you are dating someone who does not treat you that way, it's worth remembering that the reason for dating to to determine if this is "the one". If the one you are dating wouldn't move the world for you, then perhaps it's time to reconsider. You deserve to be treated like a queen.0
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Plain and simple, there is no trust in your relationship.
Men justify things in a lot of ways. I once had a guy say that once a woman "cheats" or has a fling with another man, he will never trust her again and if he stays in the relationship, he will more than likely mimic her behavior. You honestly never should've told him about that other guy and should've worked it out on your own. Put yourself in his position. What if you were the one pushing the issue about exclusivity while things were seemingly going well? And what if he had developed feelings for another woman while on vacation and told you about it later? You'd be pretty upset. Do you think you'd do the same thing out of spite later if you stayed?
I've been there...I've dealt with it as well. I had an ex-boyfriend who constantly cheated on me. I caught him multiple times and he lied about it over and over. I never trusted him, and he never gave me reasons to trust him. I even justified seeing someone else for a brief amount of time (nothing beyond a few dates happened) as emotional fulfillment and payback.
Get out of this. It isn't healthy.0 -
As for the OP, if you're that concerned about it then say something to the BF. Tell him point blank that because of what happened in the past, there's a trust issue involved that HE helped create, and if HE is truly interested in pursuing a relationship with you, then HE needs to help resolve it. Whether it's demanding to meet the friend that he's going to be hanging wih, or what I don't know - that's something you and he both need to come to an agreement on. But he was the one that created the situation, so IMO he needs to be part of the solution, or he needs to go away.
Smart man, He gives perfect advice. Talk to your BF about how you feel and why you are feeling this way, stick to your ground and tell him that if he wants to keep you then he needs to regain your trust. Otherwise... it is time to walk away...
And yes, I have been there, but it happened 3years later... you and he are in a new relationship, seems to me as if it is already set up to fail... if you cant trust him, it wont work.0 -
A very wise person once told me..."Go with your gut. Your gut is ALWAYS right."
#wentwithmygutandhappilysingle0 -
Mellow dramatic? Lolz
right??0 -
Just one question.... if you can "excuse vacation romance" will you also be able to "excuse" business trip romance for the rest of your life?
He is controlling and will most likely end up abusive. (90% of controlling men are)
Kick his *kitten* to the curb. if you guys have this much trouble after 6 months.. i cant imagine your therapy bill after marriage.
Good Luck!
This lady speaks truth0 -
hmmmm... so the OP "emotionally cheated" on this guy, then he cheated on her, and now she doesn't trust him? Wow- just wow. People are weird. :huh:0
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you are both obviously messed up and should part ways.....you may not technically be a teenager but you both act like it and its not working....it didnt work then it wont work now and it will never work...find a new boytoy for your casual intercourse *cheers* and good luck, and remember to get STD tested regularly0
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so are you casually exclusive? I am confused. If you're pursuing something casual and not serious are you expecting both of you to be monogamous to each other?
If you can't trust him and it will only bring you stress break it off, life's too short to be stressed out over something that isn't serious.0 -
He obviously just wanted to keep me from doing anything, while he went off and did whatever he wanted.
This friend will conveniently be out of town Thurs-Sat, so I can't meet him, but will be available Sat night when I'm busy. My boyfriend is going to go and spend Sat night with this friend. For some reason, I feel like he's lying to me, and that this friend is another girl. I don't know why, but I just have this feeling, and I'm usually right about these things. I asked him about it, and he denies it.
What would you do?
The first sentence that I cut out is a gem. You know this piece of information. But you dont wanna admit the issue and move on, further more run the other direction.
Second quote: Once again, your intuition is telling you something. You are not stupid enough to believe his obviously BS story. Seriously. Please take what you already know and are admitting here on MFP and ditch this loser.0 -
U deserve each other0
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Honestly, just break up with him. Things sound toxic already, and it's only going to get worse. You're risking getting into this 'euphoria/makeup > crashing disappointment > euphoria/makeup" cycle. Majorly not healthy. We're gonna end up hearing about you guys on CNN.0
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I really hope you actually take everyone's advice since it is so often asked for and not taken. I read the whole thing but honestly there was nothing to read after we have issues. Tell him to get lost. I hate liars and cheaters they're pathetic beings really. Spend your energy finding a nice, honest man in your new city. Because this one is a tool.0
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Run. Fast.0
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