The Ex Coming for a Visit

CAW210
CAW210 Posts: 73
edited December 2024 in Chit-Chat
This is so odd and I don't even really know where to begin......My ex, who I have a child with, has been in jail for almost 3 years for violating his probation. (Nothing hardcore like violence) Well he is scheduled to be released next Thursday and wants to come with his mother for our son's bday in August. His mother and I are very close and she comes down twice a year to visit. Anyways, I am now married to my wonderful husband and we have a daughter together and he has been raising my son for the past 3 years. Here's the problem....we live in the country, the for real small town USA, and the closest town is 30 minutes away. My ex's mother said that she will not have the money to put him up in a hotel for a week (because she stays with us) and he won't know how to get back and forth due to again, us living in the country, and has asked if he can stay at the house also. The ex and I have had a civil/friendly relationship for our son, but I know that he is a little bothered by the fact that I remarried and have had another child. My son will be going back to school on August 20th (the same day they will be here) and they are saying that if he is at a hotel he will miss out on seeing him as much as possible. They live 1500 miles away and my son hasn't seen his father in 3 years...I don't want to take away from my son, but I don't want my husband to be uncomfortable in his own home.

Ugh! I just don't know what to do!! :sick:

Replies

  • Triquetra
    Triquetra Posts: 270 Member
    How does your new hubby feel about it would be my first question....I don't know that I would want him in the house with me and my "new" family regardless of his past (jail?). Is there a tent, tent trailer that can be borrowed for his visit so you can have "your" space and he can have his without imposing on you....his mother could even stay in a tent trailer with him? My best ideas...sorry
  • snoopytwins
    snoopytwins Posts: 1,759 Member
    First off...if he's being paroled, he better make real sure he can leave the State. Second, I would not have him stay in the house. You can let him know when your son is out of school and around and that he can see him then until bedtime, etc. He can figure out how to drive back and forth. I wouldn't feel bad for one second (although I understand you are trying to make everyone happy...you sometimes just can't do that).
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
    It's not up to you to figure out what to do. It's his responsibility to figure out his lodging and transportation. If he doesn't have the money, that's a consequence of his own actions.
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
    First off...if he's being paroled, he better make real sure he can leave the State.
    It doesn't say anything about being paroled.
  • felice03
    felice03 Posts: 2,644 Member
    Tent in the yard.
  • AwesomelyAmber
    AwesomelyAmber Posts: 1,617 Member
    Hmmm tell him to bring a tent. :ohwell:
  • AwesomelyAmber
    AwesomelyAmber Posts: 1,617 Member
    Tent in the yard.

    Hahahahahaha
  • Sweet_Pandora
    Sweet_Pandora Posts: 459 Member
    It's not up to you to figure out what to do. It's his responsibility to figure out his lodging and transportation. If he doesn't have the money, that's a consequence of his own actions.

    I totally agree with this.

    My suggestion is to speak to his mother and explain that you do not feel comfortable putting your family in this position.

    Best of luck.

    Karen
  • snoopytwins
    snoopytwins Posts: 1,759 Member
    First off...if he's being paroled, he better make real sure he can leave the State.
    It doesn't say anything about being paroled.
    I just noted the parole thing because she said he's been in jail for 3 years on a probation violation and that's why he hasn't seen his son. I wasn't knocking the man...just noting that some people don't think about that.
  • felice03
    felice03 Posts: 2,644 Member
    Tent in the yard.

    Hahahahahaha

    thats amazing!
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
    First off...if he's being paroled, he better make real sure he can leave the State.
    It doesn't say anything about being paroled.
    I just noted the parole thing because she said he's been in jail for 3 years on a probation violation and that's why he hasn't seen his son. I wasn't knocking the man...just noting that some people don't think about that.
    I didn't imply you were knocking him. But just because he's been in jail doesn't mean he's being paroled. He could just be finishing his sentence.
  • MommaKit79
    MommaKit79 Posts: 852
    I totally agree about it not being your responsibility. Tell his mother that you can not put your husband and family in that position. He is more then welcome to be at the house as soon as your son gets home and stay til bedtime but, he can not stay with you. I understand the issue with him needing a place to stay but, you can not put you and your family in that position.

    Agreed...maybe if you can pop a tent on your property and/or if you or someone you know has a camper or something you can borrow for while he is here. He and his mother should really understand. I cant see why they wouldnt.
  • CAW210
    CAW210 Posts: 73
    Tent in the yard.

    Hahaha....love it!!!
    And yes he is actually being paroled but he has already gotten permission to leave the state.
    And yes, that is me, I am one that tries to make everyone happy and keep the peace. It's a bad trait to have some times.
    Thanks all!!!
  • LilMissSunshine_
    LilMissSunshine_ Posts: 520
    Tent in the yard.

    You are too kind. Maybe a sleeping bag.
  • msmimi
    msmimi Posts: 238 Member
    How would you feel if this was your current hubby?........My ex, who I have a child with, has been in jail for almost 3 years for violating her probation. (Nothing hardcore like violence) Well she is scheduled to be released next Thursday and wants to come with her mother for our son's bday in August. Her mother and I are very close and she comes down twice a year to visit. Anyways, I am now married to my wonderful wife CAW210 and we have a daughter together and she CAW210 has been raising my son for the past 3 years. Here's the problem....we live in the country, the for real small town USA, and the closest town is 30 minutes away. My ex's mother said that she will not have the money to put her up in a hotel for a week (because she stays with us) and she won't know how to get back and forth due to again, us living in the country, and has asked if she can stay at the house also. The ex and I have had a civil/friendly relationship for our son, but I know that she is a little bothered by the fact that I remarried and have had another child. My son will be going back to school on August 20th (the same day they will be here) and they are saying that if she is at a hotel she will miss out on seeing him as much as possible. They live 1500 miles away and my son hasn't seen his mother in 3 years...I don't want to take away from my son, but I don't want my wife CAW210 to be uncomfortable in her own home.

    I wouldn't like it. Hubby is tolerating grandma twice a year, now here comes Dad too. Maybe they should wait until THEY have the resources available to make a non intrusive trip. I would politely tell them I'm sorry that arrangement doesn't work for us. They are free to come but staying at our home is completely off the table.
    Sorry I call bs. In the days of rental cars, gps, etc... they are sooo lost 30 mins away when you have already come 1500 miles. :noway:
  • SweetMegz04
    SweetMegz04 Posts: 459 Member
    I have a friend whose Mother went through a similar situation.. Ex was jail,she new husband etc,
    Anyways. The Husband Agreed to allow the Ex to stay and things were civil. However- their house was not always going to be an option and that was put out there.

    What about a tent in the yard?? lol

    First get the comfort of talking with your Husband and go with the mutual choice.
  • AlsDonkBoxSquat
    AlsDonkBoxSquat Posts: 6,128 Member
    I think that this is an unreasonable request to ask of you, a selfish request to ask of your husband, and a confusing request to ask of your son. I honestly think that your son needs to be reintroduced to his bio dad slowly, a full week in your face visit is unfair. Tell them they can come in for a short visit only and that the ex cannot stay at your house, period. It ain't your fault he's broke.
  • Bobby_Clerici
    Bobby_Clerici Posts: 1,828 Member
    Again, a simple solution.
    The Ex may arrange with you to see his son; sleeping over is NOT an option.
    You have moved on, and ex-boyfriends who just got out of jail are NOT welcome house guests...
    HELLO!:smokin:
  • Stompp
    Stompp Posts: 216
    It's not up to you to figure out what to do. It's his responsibility to figure out his lodging and transportation. If he doesn't have the money, that's a consequence of his own actions.

    This.
  • mzhokie
    mzhokie Posts: 349 Member
    First I would talk this over with your new husband. Find out what he is and isn't comfortable with in this situation. You two need to be on the same page, period. Then what does your son want? if he is old enough, then he should be considered in this. Then I would talk to your ex mother in law honestly too. Just so she can understand where you are coming from and help with establishing ground rules etc. with your ex.

    But if you have the room and can set him up somewhere away from your bedroom.... I would let him stay, at least for a couple of days. Sometimes you have to put everything aside for your kid.

    This is only if everyone involved can get on the same page with why you are doing this and what's important. You are going to have to work together for holidays in the future so might as well start now.
  • leannems
    leannems Posts: 516 Member
    You and your current husband should determine what you are and are not comfortable with. You seem to have decided that you are comfortable with grandma staying, but not necessarily your ex. If you're not comfortable with him staying over, then you shouldn't do it. It won't help your son to see his biological father if the environment is tense.

    Once you decide what you and your current husband are comfortable with, then you can address your son accordingly. You are making time for him to see his son, you have included his mother in the process when you weren't required to. You've really gone above and beyond; asking him to find a hotel for a few days and drive 30 minutes a day is not too much to keep the peace of your home. And if grandma is worried about him getting lose, then she can stay with her son and help him get there. I think its unreasonable to ask you to house your ex if you are not comfortable with it.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    Why would you invite somebody who doesn't like (is uncomfortable with -- whatever) your husband and one of your children? I think the ex's mother should do a better job to understand that is not a healthy situation for anyone.

    Yes, your ex will ideally be involved in his child's life -- but he has been gone for 3 years. BAM! now you have two dads is a LOT to ask a kid to process -- especially with transitioning back into school on top of it. I would tell them that maybe a trip later on, after dad has gotten himself settled and they've actually saved money to make this trip makes the most sense -- NOT what they are proposing.
  • babigurl86
    babigurl86 Posts: 129 Member
    i know you want to be fair and for everyone to be happy (i've been in a very similar situation) however you need to put your husbands comfort first,yes, it'll be hard or your ex to travel but your home should not be an option,its been a long time since he has seen his child but that's his own fault. this 1st visit sets the bar for the future,he may be unhappy that you have a new husband and child but he needs to respect that and find somewhere else to stay,he will only respect your husband and new life as much you do xxx
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
    It's not up to you to figure out what to do. It's his responsibility to figure out his lodging and transportation. If he doesn't have the money, that's a consequence of his own actions.

    ^^^Yea this is my feeling too. He's free to visit his son but it's his responsibility to work out the details!! The MOST I would offer him is to pitch a tent in the yard. And I think his Mother is taking advantage of the fact you and her have a close relationship. She should realize it's awkward to stay at your house with her son. She may have done so in the past and that's lovely of you to open up your home....but things are different now. They need to book a hotel room even if it's 30 miles away...it's not that far for godsake!
  • MrsLVF
    MrsLVF Posts: 787 Member
    He is not your problem anymore. Your ex & his mom need to get a hotel room and a map. If they can't afford it they should wait until they have the money. Until then use Skype!
  • bsix3
    bsix3 Posts: 291
    It's his responsibility, not yours. You're thinking with your heart and feeling sorry for him. I wouldn't suggest compromising your husbands comfort for that...especially in his own house.
  • verptwerp
    verptwerp Posts: 3,628 Member
    My two cents .....

    Sounds like an awful, awful idea ...... this time & every possible time in the future ......

    You do not have to be a people-pleaser ...... just say no !
  • CAW210
    CAW210 Posts: 73
    As far as the grandma, she is very welcome in our home....my new husband adores her due to the fact she treats our child better than his own parents do. But I do agree with you all.....thanks for your advice!
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