OT - The Aspergers spectrum.

InnerFatGirl
InnerFatGirl Posts: 2,687 Member
Hi guys, I was wondering if anyone else here can relate or help me.

I feel kind of stupid talking about this, but here goes.


I am wondering if I am on the aspegers spectrum. It is something I have always wondered, but when I mentioned it to my parents, they didn't take me seriously and told me I was attention seeking. So I tried to forget about it, but the symptoms are the same.

Ever since I was a kid, I was considered 'weird'. I've never, (and still don't), known how to 'fit in', how to act normally, how to be in social situations. I always say the wrong thing, and I just have never felt like I could relate to my peers. And now, I feel like I can't relate to anyone, really.

It's gotten worse, to the point where I feel uncomfortable talking to people for too long. When my depression developed, I completely withdrew into myself and now it's like conversation is difficult for me. I am always worrying about what to say, and although I come across as confident, I am usually panicking inside and feeling uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel like I'm making the 'wrong' face, and I can't handle too much eye contact. That's not to say I don't give eye contact when I talk to people - I do - but it feels uncomfortable for me and I can not handle being looked at in the eyes for too long. It makes me nervous.

This one is one of the biggest things, though - obsessions.

As a child, if I loved a movie, I watched it over and over and over and over and over and over again. If I loved a song, I'd play it over and over and over and over again (until the CD broke, usually). If I loved a certain food, it'd be all what I wanted to eat. I was very obsessive as a child, and I'd ask a million questions about the topic. For example - outer space and electricity.

Now, I'm the same. I go through these 'phases of obsession'. I get absolutely obsessed with a certain topic, research the hell out of it, live it, follow it - whatever, then I just drop it :/ like, I'm not interested anymore. And I can't control it. I don't want to stop being interested in it, but I just am. And I am still very obsessive. I listen to the same songs every day. I once downloaded (as a MP3) an Eastender's episode that I enjoyed on to my phone and listened to it every night for months :/ I talk about the same subjects over and over again.

My interests are very narrow, and I often have very 'black and white' thinking. And for example, in the past two or so years, these have been my obsessions;

- Animals
- Biracial indentity
- Anti-cirumcision
- Atheism
- Anti-religion
- Biracial identity
- Natural parenting/attachment parenting
- Breastfeeding
- Activism (political and animal)
- Natural hair
- Growing hair
- Weight loss
- Mental health
- 'Natural' products
- Spirituality
- Fertility
- Lauryn Hill
- Nirvana
- Vegetarianism
- Photography

I have not managed to maintain a constant obsession/interest/excitement about any of these things for even a year. At most, 6 months. Vegetarianism has been the only thing, and I don't research it anymore. I just don't eat meat.

It feels like I'm going through life just lurching from one thing to another. I get so bloody obsessed, then my desire for it just goes. And I don't enjoy it anymore. Even though I want to. And all these things above are things I am still interested in, but I just go through these phases, and because it's like I can't concentrate on one obsession at a time, the other falls to the wayside. I find it so upsetting, because I usually know my interest will drop soon, and it's frustrating just going through phases. I just want some consistancy.

Adding to this, I analyse every little detail in every situation. I ruminate about everything. I am always thinking, always worrying, always analysing. I talk to myself in my head all the time. I often feel like I'm stuck in my own head, and everyone else around is not real. Or I'm not real. Or I'm invisible.

I always thought I was a social, extroverted person, but I can no longer stand to be in the company of people for too long. I am constantly lonely, but often have to 'recharge' alone if I am out of my house or in the presence of others. Often times, even in the company of others, the prospect of socialising is tiresome to me.

I am also very sensitive to everything, especially my environment. When I went to counselling, I found it harder to talk because the room felt so unwelcoming and clinical. Certain colours make me feel physically sick, and bad weather affects me really badly. And I am just plain sensitive in general.

I am also very sensitive to sound. I can not stand it when music is too loud, especially when I am at home and stuff like loud sports cars, moterbikes and police sirens really frighten/upset me.

I have always been unflexible. Like, for example, if someone makes plans with me and changes them at the last moment, it ruins my whole day. I don't take kindly to broken promises and, as a kid, if plans had to change, it would make me cry. A simple plan change can make me not want to go any more.

I have never been very good with subtley. When people make certain jokes, I tend to take it literally. I have learnt to understand/recognise sarcasm (thanks to my Stepdad, LOL, and mine and my family's taste in comedy), but I still don't 'get' it sometimes, or it takes me a while.


I also have lots of symptoms of ADHD, and again, always have. I used to get into a lot of trouble at school for it. But, again, it was never checked out and I was never listened to about it.

I guess that's all I can think of, for now. I just don't know. I'm hesistant to go labelling myself as something that doesn't apply to me, but this is honestly how I feel, and how I have felt since childhood. And I have nobody to talk to about it because my parents think it's ridiculous and the people I live with wouldn't understand.

Maybe it's just me?

Replies

  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
    Anti-circumcision? Sweet I think you have bigger problems if that's a concern of yours :p

    Anyway, so what if you do? My brother has a lot of the symptoms of Aspergers but you can live a completely normal life. Some people are more socially awkward than others. Meh. Big deal. Nothing you can do about it so it's not worth stressing over. Aspergic tendencies also correlate with high IQ, so it's not all bad anyway.
  • StrengthIDidntKnow
    StrengthIDidntKnow Posts: 543 Member
    I can relate to a lot of this.

    I had the same concern at one point and brought it up with my therapist. Unfortunately, I cannot remember what she said to prove that my problems are because of my anxiety and OCD.

    I know you mentioned that you found it hard to talk when you went to counseling but it might be worth it to try again. The key is finding someone that you really click with.

    Good luck!
  • InnerFatGirl
    InnerFatGirl Posts: 2,687 Member
    Anti-circumcision? Sweet I think you have bigger problems if that's a concern of yours :p

    Anyway, so what if you do? My brother has a lot of the symptoms of Aspergers but you can live a completely normal life. Some people are more socially awkward than others. Meh. Big deal. Nothing you can do about it so it's not worth stressing over. Aspergic tendencies also correlate with high IQ, so it's not all bad anyway.

    Um, hun, why would this not be a concern of mine? :-/ plenty of people are concerned about little girls, so why would I not be concerned for the boys too, especially after finding out the facts?

    Anyway, if I do, it's no big deal. But the issues I described affect my life in a big way. So it'd be helpful to find out if it's that, or something else, or just me.
    I can relate to a lot of this.

    I had the same concern at one point and brought it up with my therapist. Unfortunately, I cannot remember what she said to prove that my problems are because of my anxiety and OCD.

    I know you mentioned that you found it hard to talk when you went to counseling but it might be worth it to try again. The key is finding someone that you really click with.

    Good luck!

    I should totally try again. I just find it hard to talk to them. They make me feel nervous and I feel disgusted at myself for having emotional issues. I find it very painful and unsettling.
  • MattTheWaterRat
    MattTheWaterRat Posts: 167 Member
    You have my sympathy. I can be completely gauche in lots of situations.

    You do sound like you have some OCD and anxiety symptoms. If you said that you counted footsteps or washed your hands a certain number of times, then I would say you are most likely obsessive compulsive.

    I wouldn't put too much faith in disorders that have spectrums though. In my opinion real diseases don't have spectrums.

    I am by not stretch of the imagination a medical doctor, but I think counseling would definitely help.
  • icandoit203
    icandoit203 Posts: 170 Member
    Sometimes we may look more into things than necessary but sometimes we look at it and feel like you are the only one going through it. You should talk to someone anyone that will give you a straightforward answer, you need to just let go of everything and tell someone how you feel. If it's a therapist, a friend, family member. Be willing to accept positive and negative criticism things you need to do and maybe not do. Sometimes people can tell more things to people who know nothing about them. If you don't like certain colors that depress you try meeting outside at a park, walk/bike path and walk and talk. Some good old vitamin D works wonders. If you truly feel like you have this issue you should probably try talking with a doctor, or research a doctor that actually deals with patients who go through this to see if you may indeed have it. It's always good to talk about how you feel keeping it bottled inside only hurts you. So talk about it with someone who cares (IMO) if people judge you shake it off everybody judges someone at some point. Make sure it's someone you can actually let your guard down to you have reached out to us on here so that is a start. You will get through this.
  • HMD7703
    HMD7703 Posts: 761 Member
    I have a child with Aspergers and she has many of the same ... quirks. A qualified therapist can easily spot the signs and diagnose you properly. Based on the brief insight to your world, I would put money on you being on the spectrum (most likely, high functioning). You are young enough to learn behavior modification techniques that will help you in social situations. Lastly, I would find a support group (either local or online). Support groups (especially age centric groups) will help you so much!

    Good luck!
    XO
  • caraiselite
    caraiselite Posts: 2,631 Member
    why post this here and not see a doctor?

    i think you sound absolutely normal though.

    other than the circ thing, wtf?!
  • GabrielleZelda
    GabrielleZelda Posts: 190 Member
    From what I know of the Autism Spectrum disorders,

    You sound like you would fit an Obsessive Compulsive type of framework much more... My step brother deals with OCD and has very similar symptoms as you, except for the extreme sensitivity (which personally I think might just be part of your personality and not necessarily a disorder).

    Anxiety, panic attacks, fear of change, feeling socially inept, obsessions, rituals, tunnel like focus, inability to let go...
    Sound familiar? Same for him.

    Social phobias OFTEN accompany OCD. I get the impression that although you might be a little socially awkward, that you have a legitimate social phobia that might be developing into agoraphobia - which would be avoiding social situations, open spaces in which you said you feel you are not able to perform on a social level.

    I mean I'm no psychologist... but I am seeing in you what I see in him. (Or rather, what he was like a few years ago) He refuses outright to speak to someone about it and he has gotten to the point where he almost never leaves his apartment because of his fear of encountering social situations and panic attacks. He still is petrified of change and has very particular rituals and ideas that he is just STUCK on.

    So I want you to know that you are NOT alone and that I think getting some help would really benefit you.

    I understand it's difficult to get over the "cold, clinical" feeling of a therapist's office - but don't let that stop you from getting help that might really benefit you. I think you're a prime candidate for therapy as well, because you clearly are intelligent and are very aware and not in denial of your atypical behaviour.

    My brother cannot be helped because he will not help himself. YOU on the other hand, DO want help so I hope you really go for it.
  • GabrielleZelda
    GabrielleZelda Posts: 190 Member
    why post this here and not see a doctor?

    i think you sound absolutely normal though.

    other than the circ thing, wtf?!

    Maybe because she needs some encouragement and is confused/embarrassed?
    If her own behaviour is causing her THIS much discomfort, then that is not normal.

    Sorry but I can't stand when people post something completely unhelpful...
  • Kerri_is_so_very
    Kerri_is_so_very Posts: 999 Member
    This hits pretty close to home as my ex-h's family has many aspects of this in their family from mild to severe. The first thing is to be properly diagnosed (if you have anything) and then go from there. There are support groups and methods that can be adopted so that you can modify your behavior for various circumstances to make you feel more at ease. Denying you have any issues is the worst thing you could, addressing what ever it is that is causing your discomfort is the best approach. Good luck to you.
  • StrengthIDidntKnow
    StrengthIDidntKnow Posts: 543 Member
    why post this here and not see a doctor?

    i think you sound absolutely normal though.

    other than the circ thing, wtf?!

    Maybe because she needs some encouragement and is confused/embarrassed?
    If her own behaviour is causing her THIS much discomfort, then that is not normal.

    Sorry but I can't stand when people post something completely unhelpful...

    This - sometimes it is just helpful to know you are not alone and there are others out there that are going through something similar.
  • InnerFatGirl
    InnerFatGirl Posts: 2,687 Member
    Words can not explain how much the replies on here mean to me. Thank you SO much, guys. It's a great relief to know I'm not just being ridiculous. Apart from the one person who decided to be a duck, you're all so amazing. Honestly, you have no idea how much it means to me. It took a lot of courage to post this, and I am so appreciative of the help I have recieved. Again, thank you so, so, SO much :heart: :flowerforyou:
  • Rory_123
    Rory_123 Posts: 68 Member
    I know some aspies, but it sounds like you more likely have a mix of generalized anxiety disorder, depression and OCD. I think you would greatly benefit from speaking to a doctor/therapist. You are not crazy, you just need someone professional to discuss this with. Good luck, and take care of yourself!
  • InnerFatGirl
    InnerFatGirl Posts: 2,687 Member
    why post this here and not see a doctor?

    i think you sound absolutely normal though.

    other than the circ thing, wtf?!

    1. Why comment on the thread and not say something supportive, or not comment at all?

    Have you considered that is hard for me to try and get help when I have already tried to get help for my depression, with little success? Have you considered that my doctor is crap and just sent me away with anti-depressants, telling me that there's no funding for counselling, when I plucked up the courage to see him. Have you considered the fact that I am leaving my comfort zone and reaching out for help, which is no easy thing, especially on this forum?

    I may 'sound' normal, but I don't feel it. I'm sick of pretending.

    And what do you mean by 'wtf'? :S what are you referring to?
  • InnerFatGirl
    InnerFatGirl Posts: 2,687 Member
    I know some aspies, but it sounds like you more likely have a mix of generalized anxiety disorder, depression and OCD. I think you would greatly benefit from speaking to a doctor/therapist. You are not crazy, you just need someone professional to discuss this with. Good luck, and take care of yourself!

    Funny you say that, because I have depression and, although I haven't been diagnosed with GAD, I suffer from a thing called depersonalisation and derealisation, and they are said to be caused by GAD, though they can be a disorder in themselves. Not very talked about though, but there's lots of info online.

    As for OCD, it's funny thinking of myself as having that. I'd have never have thought so, because I guess I generalised OCD sufferers as being the 'washing hands' 'checking lights' type, but really, there's lots of different 'types' of OCD tendencies, right?

    Thank you. I honestly feel stuck though. I can't seem to emotionally handle therapists but I don't want to take meds. But I don't know how much longer I can cope alone. Every day is a struggle.
  • MNJ2921
    MNJ2921 Posts: 40 Member
    My daughter is a very high-functioning aspie. Girls/women with Asperger's usually present differently than males. I highly suggest going to a certified therapist who has experience diagnosing women with Asperger's. There are services available to help those on the spectrum, but the thing I found most relieving is just knowing the why for certain behaviors and characteristics. My 11-year-old daughter's response when we told her she was on the spectrum, "Well that explains a lot." Also, there are several great books that helped me better understand AS in girls. And, yes, there are several areas in which many of us could be on the spectrum. One book I highly recommend is "Aspergirls: Empowering Females With Asperger Syndrome" by Rudy Simone and "Asperger's in Pink" by Julie Clark.
  • InnerFatGirl
    InnerFatGirl Posts: 2,687 Member
    My daughter is a very high-functioning aspie. Girls/women with Asperger's usually present differently than males. I highly suggest going to a certified therapist who has experience diagnosing women with Asperger's. There are services available to help those on the spectrum, but the thing I found most relieving is just knowing the why for certain behaviors and characteristics. My 11-year-old daughter's response when we told her she was on the spectrum, "Well that explains a lot." Also, there are several great books that helped me better understand AS in girls. And, yes, there are several areas in which many of us could be on the spectrum. One book I highly recommend is "Aspergirls: Empowering Females With Asperger Syndrome" by Rudy Simone and "Asperger's in Pink" by Julie Clark.

    Thank you! I will have a look on Amazon RE the books. Not sure where I can find a certified therapist, though ...
  • Trishabelle12
    Trishabelle12 Posts: 145 Member
    My daughter is a very high-functioning aspie. Girls/women with Asperger's usually present differently than males. I highly suggest going to a certified therapist who has experience diagnosing women with Asperger's. There are services available to help those on the spectrum, but the thing I found most relieving is just knowing the why for certain behaviors and characteristics. My 11-year-old daughter's response when we told her she was on the spectrum, "Well that explains a lot." Also, there are several great books that helped me better understand AS in girls. And, yes, there are several areas in which many of us could be on the spectrum. One book I highly recommend is "Aspergirls: Empowering Females With Asperger Syndrome" by Rudy Simone and "Asperger's in Pink" by Julie Clark.

    Thanks for sharing this! My 22 yo daughter was diagnosed with Asperger's and I've not heard of those books (I've read some others, tho)...she wasn't diagnosed until she was 19.

    And InnerFatGirl, I wish you luck and agree that you should seek out a good neurologist and be tested....get your questions answered!
  • AndiJoy812
    AndiJoy812 Posts: 236
    You have a LOT of insight to what is going on with you, and that is a huge step for anyone.

    To be diagnosed with Autism or one of the spectrums, it requires a team of professionals, not just one doctor or psychologist. I know for children, the number of professionals doing an eval varies, but three of them have to agree on the Autism label. (At least in the States). If you have access to a University, you may want to check and see if they have an Autism clinic. Check with your doctor, and I'm sure he/she will make the appropriate referrals.

    Best of luck to you!
  • VitaBailey
    VitaBailey Posts: 271 Member
    I recognize some of your issues as OCD behavior. Specifically, the ruminating, obsessive thoughts. Don't give up on seeking medical help. Sometimes you have to go to a few different doctors until you find the right one. I wish you the best in finding the help you need.
  • RealWomenLovePitbulls
    RealWomenLovePitbulls Posts: 729 Member
    there's a book you should read, its called Finding Kansas, check out the website findingkansas.com

    i think a lot of people fall into the spectrum somewhere, but the part that really sticks out to me is you getting fixated on certain things and asking lots of questions.

    i worked in a Cardiology clinic and there was a little girl there (first time i had even heard of Aspergers) who was always asking a million questions about food "what'd u have for breakfast" "what will u have for lunch" "what are u having for a snack" etc. she was super sweet and cute, but she also would get very close when talking like she didn't understand personal space, and she didn't make eye contact a lot
  • Rory_123
    Rory_123 Posts: 68 Member
    I understand your concern with meds, they are overprescribed and often times not followed up very well. But they DO SAVE LIVES. If you are feeling at the end of your rope, you might want to at least discuss the different med options with your doctor. It sounds like you have several co-morbid issues, and nobody should handle all of that alone! You don't have to love therapy to benefit from it.
    I know some aspies, but it sounds like you more likely have a mix of generalized anxiety disorder, depression and OCD. I think you would greatly benefit from speaking to a doctor/therapist. You are not crazy, you just need someone professional to discuss this with. Good luck, and take care of yourself!

    Funny you say that, because I have depression and, although I haven't been diagnosed with GAD, I suffer from a thing called depersonalisation and derealisation, and they are said to be caused by GAD, though they can be a disorder in themselves. Not very talked about though, but there's lots of info online.

    As for OCD, it's funny thinking of myself as having that. I'd have never have thought so, because I guess I generalised OCD sufferers as being the 'washing hands' 'checking lights' type, but really, there's lots of different 'types' of OCD tendencies, right?

    Thank you. I honestly feel stuck though. I can't seem to emotionally handle therapists but I don't want to take meds. But I don't know how much longer I can cope alone. Every day is a struggle.
  • kristalfrissy
    kristalfrissy Posts: 158 Member
    Alot if what I was gonna say has been touched on but I will mention that allot of these disorders overlap some and have alot of the same symptoms. Even doctors can disagree when presented with the exact same child. My soon has been diagnosed with Aspbergers, OCD, ADHD, a psycotic disorder NOS, an anxiety disorder and a mood disorder. His doctors hope to narrow down this list as he gets older. I will also say that you don't have to have compulsions with OCD. My son has no compulsions only obsessions. The only way you are gonna get answers is a.doctor tho. Best of lu
    ck to you.
  • amivox
    amivox Posts: 441 Member
    I grew up with a boy with aspergers, he was the smartest person I have ever met. He was really interested in other cultures and graduated college with honors (magna cum laude) for Islamic studies. It might be weird sometimes because of the social situation stuff, but generally people with aspergers are more intelligent.
  • InnerFatGirl
    InnerFatGirl Posts: 2,687 Member
    You guys are amazing, thank you. It's a relief to know my symptoms to indicate an issue, instead of my being an idiot as I was told all my life. Even though I've been dx, I still don't feel like I have a right to treatment or empathy for my depression. I still feel like 'maybe I'm just being weak/sensitive/an attention seeker". I mean, that's what I've always been told. Always been told that other people have it worse off than me, that all I want is sympathy, that I'm a hypochondriac. Even once, I had a panic attack at school and couldn't breathe. I told the nurse I thought I had asthma because my Mum has it and I couldn't breathe. I didn't know it was a panic attack. My Mum ridiculed me for that and made me out to be a liar.

    Oh well, thanks everyone. The comments mean a huge deal to me. I will come back to this thread when I get home from work xxx
  • dawnmarie57
    dawnmarie57 Posts: 53 Member
    I am no "expert", but like some have posted, you need to find a professional who deals with Autism Spectrum Disorders. I used to be a one/one teachers aide for a girl with Aspberger's. Many of your symptoms are exactly what this girl had. When she was given a project to do, she would research it and research it some more. She could recite every president of the US,and in order, and God forbid someone else in her class should give wrong answers. She could tell you anything about President Lincoln. She also could tell you anything about dinosaurs. She was amazingly intelligent. It would make me so angry to hear others comment that she was just spoiled or trying to get attention. Someone else posted here previously that Spectrum Disorders aren't "real diseases". Autism and the Spectrum Disorders are NOT diseases-they're DiSORDERS!!!
    I just saw the girl's mother a while back,and she's in college studying criminal justice and doing very well. I wish you well in whatever you may do. Just don't listen to the negative ones who have no clue what it's like to be in your shoes. BTW, if you haven't already, any books written by Temple Grandin (sp?) Are great reads. She's a woman with Aspergers and has written some very interesting books. She's also a very successful businesswoman.
    Again, good luck in whatever you do and NEVER give up!!!
  • InnerFatGirl
    InnerFatGirl Posts: 2,687 Member
    HMD7703 wrote: »
    I have a child with Aspergers and she has many of the same ... quirks. A qualified therapist can easily spot the signs and diagnose you properly. Based on the brief insight to your world, I would put money on you being on the spectrum (most likely, high functioning). You are young enough to learn behavior modification techniques that will help you in social situations. Lastly, I would find a support group (either local or online). Support groups (especially age centric groups) will help you so much!

    Good luck!
    XO

    I know this is literally years later but I just wanted to say you were right :D I was diagnosed October 2019 with autism and diagnosed in 2016 with ADHD!