Former Fat Kid Relationship Philosophy Conundrum
TinkerSavs
Posts: 3
Ok, so one thing I keep wondering about recently is this:
I am currently single and have been for a few years now-- roughly the same amount of time since my weight got out of control. But now that I'm losing (little by little), I wonder if guys will see me more as I get smaller. But here's the thing-- how do you get over the mental hurtle of knowing this person might not have shown any interest in you at your former, higher weight? I mean, I know people in general are more attracted to fit people, but... I guess what I'm saying is I don't want a guy that couldn't want the fat me, even if I want to improve myself and my body. Have any other single people who have reached their goals dealt with this idea loop? How?
I guess the basis for this is that I've lived around a terrible double standard where guys get to be overweight, but women over 130 get criticized, and I really couldn't deal with that trait in a partner. At the same time, I'd love to be with someone that was kind of health-nutty and fit so we could do crazy activities together, like running marathons or taking dance classes or something.
I am currently single and have been for a few years now-- roughly the same amount of time since my weight got out of control. But now that I'm losing (little by little), I wonder if guys will see me more as I get smaller. But here's the thing-- how do you get over the mental hurtle of knowing this person might not have shown any interest in you at your former, higher weight? I mean, I know people in general are more attracted to fit people, but... I guess what I'm saying is I don't want a guy that couldn't want the fat me, even if I want to improve myself and my body. Have any other single people who have reached their goals dealt with this idea loop? How?
I guess the basis for this is that I've lived around a terrible double standard where guys get to be overweight, but women over 130 get criticized, and I really couldn't deal with that trait in a partner. At the same time, I'd love to be with someone that was kind of health-nutty and fit so we could do crazy activities together, like running marathons or taking dance classes or something.
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Replies
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One possible solution is to (somehow) date men who have had heavy girlfriends in the past. How you're meant to find out - well good luck in figuring it out.0
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that will be difficult to answer unless you get a guy....gain weight and find out his true feelings right?
if you used online dating...you should put your "fat" pic up as your profile picture....and if guys are attracted already to that...then I would tend to believe.
but if it someone you meet out in public....after some weeks....i would show them a pic of yourself fatter....try to get a feel of their reaction.0 -
I personally will always be that obese little girl inside, even though I've been fit for many years now. I once dated a guy who stated, " I like my girls THIN"...he didn't get another date from me. Instinctively you will know the superficial guys from the ones who truly like you for you. I won't date superficial guys. I get lots of attention like we all do but when the guy is a superficial pig it's not welcome attention anymore. I date the guys that I KNOW would have been interested in me when I was heavy. And the guys in junior high who called me "Big Bertha" who friended me on FB? Declined! I never forget how I was treated back then...never!0
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How to you get over it?Ok, so one thing I keep wondering about recently is this:
I am currently single and have been for a few years now-- roughly the same amount of time since my weight got out of control. But now that I'm losing (little by little), I wonder if guys will see me more as I get smaller. But here's the thing-- how do you get over the mental hurtle of knowing this person might not have shown any interest in you at your former, higher weight? I mean, I know people in general are more attracted to fit people, but... I guess what I'm saying is I don't want a guy that couldn't want the fat me, even if I want to improve myself and my body. Have any other single people who have reached their goals dealt with this idea loop? How?
I guess the basis for this is that I've lived around a terrible double standard where guys get to be overweight, but women over 130 get criticized, and I really couldn't deal with that trait in a partner. At the same time, I'd love to be with someone that was kind of health-nutty and fit so we could do crazy activities together, like running marathons or taking dance classes or something.
Easy.
Attraction is physical - period.
That's nature; welcome to the human race.
BUCK UP!
You plug into reality and resolve to live well, be happy and stay fit.
I don't mean to be unkind, but body fat is ugly to most people.
This is news?
Just suck it up, get healthy where you'll look good, feel great and live a nice long life.
Good Luck :flowerforyou:0 -
I personally will always be that obese little girl inside, even though I've been fit for many years now. I once dated a guy who stated, " I like my girls THIN"...he didn't get another date from me. Instinctively you will know the superficial guys from the ones who truly like you for you. I won't date superficial guys. I get lots of attention like we all do but when the guy is a superficial pig it's not welcome attention anymore. I date the guys that I KNOW would have been interested in me when I was heavy. And the guys in junior high who called me "Big Bertha" who friended me on FB? Declined! I never forget how I was treated back then...never!
No, you never ever forget how bad people treated you. I never have and those wounds may fade but they still hurt. Even when you lose weight. I feel very blessed to be where I am in life. Yeah, I have weight to lose, but I know who I am and what I will not stand for when it comes to other people in my life.
I think I will always be the kid that was picked on inside no matter how I look on the outside.0 -
Your appearance just gets you in the door. It is your personality that will determine whether or not the relationship works long term.
It stinks that a guy who would be fantastic with you as a couple may have excluded you from his dating pool at one point in time, but that doesn't mean once he has gotten to know you if you gain 5 pounds he is going to be out the door.
My bf, for example, was head over heals for my body when we first started dating. Then I put on 20-30 pounds. Now that I am trying to lose the weight, it actually bothers him. He has discovered he really likes me with a little extra weight on. He likes all the perks that come along with gaining a few pounds.
Unfortunately, that doesn't make me any happier about gaining weight. I was nicknamed pod girl in high school, because I was bigger than one whale, I was a family of whales. SO when I look in the mirror no matter what my weight or pants size I can only see pod girl.0 -
Of course, I understand you not wanting to date some jerk who would say, "I'd never date a fat chick." or something equally insensitive and judgmental. However, some people wouldn't date an out of shape person because it would limit the things they could do. I get that. Since getting in somewhat better shape, I'm able to do so much more than I could before. I'd want to find someone who could experience those new things with me. I'd also want someone who supported the new way I eat and exercise. If someone's in poor shape themselves, they're less likely to understand your goals and be as supportive.0
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^^^^^^^^^that will be difficult to answer unless you get a guy....gain weight and find out his true feelings right?
if you used online dating...you should put your "fat" pic up as your profile picture....and if guys are attracted already to that...then I would tend to believe.
but if it someone you meet out in public....after some weeks....i would show them a pic of yourself fatter....try to get a feel of their reaction.
ABSURD
Nobody should reflect themselves poorly just to troll for some dumpy guy who like fat girls.
Be your best and go after somebody equally yoked physically.
Ladies, think of the movies "Magic Mike"
Would any of you have gone if the movie was about some nice but porcine fat guy who liked to dance?
NO!
Accept that beauty and attraction is mostly about looks.
And yes, the guys who would have never given the time of day will like you fit.
Big deal!
That's life.0 -
Nobody should reflect themselves poorly just to troll for some dumpy guy who like fat girls.
Be your best and go after somebody equally yoked physically.
Ladies, think of the movies "Magic Mike"
Would any of you have gone if the movie was about some nice but porcine fat guy who liked to dance?
NO!
Accept that beauty and attraction is mostly about looks.
And yes, the guys who would have never given the time of day will like you fit.
Big deal!
That's life.
I think they called that movie The Full Monty....
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How to you get over it?Ok, so one thing I keep wondering about recently is this:
I am currently single and have been for a few years now-- roughly the same amount of time since my weight got out of control. But now that I'm losing (little by little), I wonder if guys will see me more as I get smaller. But here's the thing-- how do you get over the mental hurtle of knowing this person might not have shown any interest in you at your former, higher weight? I mean, I know people in general are more attracted to fit people, but... I guess what I'm saying is I don't want a guy that couldn't want the fat me, even if I want to improve myself and my body. Have any other single people who have reached their goals dealt with this idea loop? How?
I guess the basis for this is that I've lived around a terrible double standard where guys get to be overweight, but women over 130 get criticized, and I really couldn't deal with that trait in a partner. At the same time, I'd love to be with someone that was kind of health-nutty and fit so we could do crazy activities together, like running marathons or taking dance classes or something.
Easy.
Attraction is physical - period.
That's nature; welcome to the human race.
BUCK UP!
You plug into reality and resolve to live well, be happy and stay fit.
I don't mean to be unkind, but body fat is ugly to most people.
This is news?
Just suck it up, get healthy where you'll look good, feel great and live a nice long life.
Good Luck :flowerforyou:
Attraction is NOT simply physical. I was with a man for 6 years that was heavy because I loved his personality, which lead to my attraction to him. I found him wildly sexy because of who he was.
I still fall for guys based on personality over body type.
Don't start this early, Bobby.0 -
Ok, so one thing I keep wondering about recently is this:
I am currently single and have been for a few years now-- roughly the same amount of time since my weight got out of control. But now that I'm losing (little by little), I wonder if guys will see me more as I get smaller. But here's the thing-- how do you get over the mental hurtle of knowing this person might not have shown any interest in you at your former, higher weight? I mean, I know people in general are more attracted to fit people, but... I guess what I'm saying is I don't want a guy that couldn't want the fat me, even if I want to improve myself and my body. Have any other single people who have reached their goals dealt with this idea loop? How?
I guess the basis for this is that I've lived around a terrible double standard where guys get to be overweight, but women over 130 get criticized, and I really couldn't deal with that trait in a partner. At the same time, I'd love to be with someone that was kind of health-nutty and fit so we could do crazy activities together, like running marathons or taking dance classes or something.
I wouldn't worry too much about it, hun. You are a different person, transforming on the inside with each pound lost. You may be not only attracting a different guy because of your weight, but because of how you shine now. You're becoming more and more confident and guys take notice to that. There's tons of other skinny girls, but there's a reason they'd want you. Because you kick *kitten*. Your personality is exuberant and your desire to be better is an admirable quality.
Love yourself! Guys dig that too! :flowerforyou:0 -
I dunno. I lost 40 pounds before meeting my bf and he loved me as I was when we met even though I'm over 20 pounds down since then. He says he'll love me at any size. So I use this as motivation to keep going as I figure if he loves how I look NOW, he's gonna be really pleased when I reach my goal weight. My weight loss actually motivated him to go to the gym. Guess he wants to be able to keep up with me.
I had this mindset too though and honestly, work on yourself first. You gain confidence as you go and that shows, which could attract a very nice fella like it did for me and so many others. Good luck. :flowerforyou:0 -
Not trying to "start".
How to you get over it?Ok, so one thing I keep wondering about recently is this:
I am currently single and have been for a few years now-- roughly the same amount of time since my weight got out of control. But now that I'm losing (little by little), I wonder if guys will see me more as I get smaller. But here's the thing-- how do you get over the mental hurtle of knowing this person might not have shown any interest in you at your former, higher weight? I mean, I know people in general are more attracted to fit people, but... I guess what I'm saying is I don't want a guy that couldn't want the fat me, even if I want to improve myself and my body. Have any other single people who have reached their goals dealt with this idea loop? How?
I guess the basis for this is that I've lived around a terrible double standard where guys get to be overweight, but women over 130 get criticized, and I really couldn't deal with that trait in a partner. At the same time, I'd love to be with someone that was kind of health-nutty and fit so we could do crazy activities together, like running marathons or taking dance classes or something.
Easy.
Attraction is physical - period.
That's nature; welcome to the human race.
BUCK UP!
You plug into reality and resolve to live well, be happy and stay fit.
I don't mean to be unkind, but body fat is ugly to most people.
This is news?
Just suck it up, get healthy where you'll look good, feel great and live a nice long life.
Good Luck :flowerforyou:
Attraction is NOT simply physical. I was with a man for 6 years that was heavy because I loved his personality, which lead to my attraction to him. I found him wildly sexy because of who he was.
I still fall for guys based on personality over body type.
Don't start this early, Bobby.
Just trying to Keep it real.
Get fit, be your best and life is wonderful - much better fit than fat.
And yes, the pool of available mates increase for both men and ladies when we are fit.
That's reality.
Don't fight it; embrace it :bigsmile:0 -
I dunno. I lost 40 pounds before meeting my bf and he loved me as I was when we met even though I'm over 20 pounds down since then. He says he'll love me at any size. So I use this as motivation to keep going as I figure if he loves how I look NOW, he's gonna be really pleased when I reach my goal weight. My weight loss actually motivated him to go to the gym. Guess he wants to be able to keep up with me.
I had this mindset too though and honestly, work on yourself first. You gain confidence as you go and that shows, which could attract a very nice fella like it did for me and so many others. Good luck. :flowerforyou:
Confidence is sexy! I try to explain to my 9 year old (who thinks she is 25!) when we see girls (usually teenagers) dressed inappropriately and they are showing tons of skin and fidgeting to pull tops up and keep skirts down and standing awkwardly to cover their tummies, etc. that it isn't attractive. It is better to wear clothes that leave something to the imagination and fit properly so that you aren't constantly acting self conscious. It is a lesson I wish all women could learn. Strut with confidence no matter what size you are!0 -
Love and attraction are apples and oranges. The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart. A good man knows this.I dunno. I lost 40 pounds before meeting my bf and he loved me as I was when we met even though I'm over 20 pounds down since then. He says he'll love me at any size. So I use this as motivation to keep going as I figure if he loves how I look NOW, he's gonna be really pleased when I reach my goal weight. My weight loss actually motivated him to go to the gym. Guess he wants to be able to keep up with me.
I had this mindset too though and honestly, work on yourself first. You gain confidence as you go and that shows, which could attract a very nice fella like it did for me and so many others. Good luck. :flowerforyou:0 -
I used to have this same thought. Then, for me, I realized it was just another excuse. I am not saying that it is for you, please do not read it that way. I am still on my weight loss journey and I am finally being successful because I realized that I didn't love the fat me. I don't care if my current fiance would have noticed me 60lbs ago. He loves me now, and I love me. You have to love yourself for others to notice and love you. Start there I am sure you are beautiful right now and if you see it others will too. Lose the weight because you want quality of life and you love yourself enough for it. 0
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I lost 50 pounds before meeting my future husband. Honestly, I still feel "big" on the inside and I have to remind myself the "big girl" is gone.
You meantioned that you wanted someone that enjoyed activities and was healthy- nutty. Use this as a motivation.
I was very picky about who I dated (I even looked up there taxes online and if they had not paid home/car taxed they didn't get a date from me! If they couldn't pay taxes they certainly couldn't afford to take me to dinner and a moviel! ~If taxes were paid early they got extra brownie points!! ). I knew the characteristics I wanted in my spouse so I wrote them down (I actually found this list yesterday!!). Included in mine were athletic and healthy eater...however, I knew if I wanted that in someone I also had to set that example.
I used that motivation to reach my goal of 160.
It's true that men first are first attracted to the physical you; however, your personality sets you apart and makes you... "you." As corny, as it sounds you must find someone that loses "you" not your body. Beauty fades but your heart remains! 0 -
Most relationships start out because of physical attraction. You don't really get to know someone unless you have dated and you don't really date unless some guy says "She's hot I should take her to the movies" (LOL). So I do somewhat believe that losing weight (and gaining confidence) will probably bring on more gentleman callers. Just know he will eventually love you for you but currently he wants you for your body :-)0
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of course more guys will find you attractive as you lose the weight. there is nothing wrong with that. in general wouldnt you be more attracted to someone who is 100 lbs overweight than someone who is 300 lbs overweight? then it stands to reason it would be the same if the person was 10lbs overweight vs 50. and so on.0
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I guess what I'm saying is I don't want a guy that couldn't want the fat me, even if I want to improve myself and my body. Have any other single people who have reached their goals dealt with this idea loop? How?
I guess the basis for this is that I've lived around a terrible double standard where guys get to be overweight, but women over 130 get criticized, and I really couldn't deal with that trait in a partner.
There's no way to test that, other than staying overweight and trying to meet someone, and for all you know you might end up with some guy who's threatened by your weight loss efforts. Or you could lose weight and don a fat suit and go out and date, as in one of those movies with a ridiculous premise.
I've never been overweight and went out with a morbidly obese guy who used to sabotage my weight maintenance efforts. Then he said that he'd dump me if I gained weight -- we were kidding around -- I was not amused.
Don't set impossible standards in meeting men.0 -
guys who say "i'd only date thin girls" are shallow, and you'll know the difference in other behaviors. i mean, i once fell for a guy like that, and i even lost a lot of weight (in a really unhealthy fashion) hoping he would actually be in a relationship with me instead of getting some on the side when no one was watching - but he still treated me like crap after i lost weight. (post-divorce lack of confidence can lead to really unhealthy relationships. huh.)
also, i'd say that guys will start paying attention long before you reach your goal weight. find someone who loves you no matter what. it's totally possible.
the fear of being judged worthy or not based on your appearance - that's what you need to worry about getting over. you aren't losing weight to find a relationship. you're losing weight to make yourself a healthier, better you. work on that, and work on finding relationships that are healthy and based on good personality match and love, rather than worrying about whether someone would have loved you when you were overweight.0 -
Maybe you will find a guy who used to be heavy. He will understand your journey because he traveled it as well.0
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Easy. Fall in love with another "former fat kid" on MFP. 0
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guys who say "i'd only date thin girls" are shallow, and you'll know the difference in other behaviors. i mean, i once fell for a guy like that, and i even lost a lot of weight (in a really unhealthy fashion) hoping he would actually be in a relationship with me instead of getting some on the side when no one was watching - but he still treated me like crap after i lost weight. (post-divorce lack of confidence can lead to really unhealthy relationships. huh.)
also, i'd say that guys will start paying attention long before you reach your goal weight. find someone who loves you no matter what. it's totally possible.
the fear of being judged worthy or not based on your appearance - that's what you need to worry about getting over. you aren't losing weight to find a relationship. you're losing weight to make yourself a healthier, better you. work on that, and work on finding relationships that are healthy and based on good personality match and love, rather than worrying about whether someone would have loved you when you were overweight.
i dont get the "its shallow to not want to date overweight people" mentality. if thats shallow then its also shallow to not want to date ugly people, or people from certain races, people of the wrong height, etc..
the heart wants what the heart wants.0 -
I personally will always be that obese little girl inside, even though I've been fit for many years now. I once dated a guy who stated, " I like my girls THIN"...he didn't get another date from me. Instinctively you will know the superficial guys from the ones who truly like you for you. I won't date superficial guys. I get lots of attention like we all do but when the guy is a superficial pig it's not welcome attention anymore. I date the guys that I KNOW would have been interested in me when I was heavy. And the guys in junior high who called me "Big Bertha" who friended me on FB? Declined! I never forget how I was treated back then...never!
No, you never ever forget how bad people treated you. I never have and those wounds may fade but they still hurt. Even when you lose weight. I feel very blessed to be where I am in life. Yeah, I have weight to lose, but I know who I am and what I will not stand for when it comes to other people in my life.
I think I will always be the kid that was picked on inside no matter how I look on the outside.
It sure feels good to post my pics on FB though...esp since some ppl who have conveniently forgotten they teased me are on my friend's list. And some of these same ppl make fun of me now b/c I eat well and work out lol. It's all good though Keep loving yourself! My fave quote? "Love me or hate me I'm STILL gonna shine!" lol 0 -
^^^^^^^It sure feels good to post my pics on FB though...esp since some ppl who have conveniently forgotten they teased me are on my friend's list. And some of these same ppl make fun of me now b/c I eat well and work out lol. It's all good though Keep loving yourself! My fave quote? "Love me or hate me I'm STILL gonna shine!" lol
THIS0 -
^^^^^^^It sure feels good to post my pics on FB though...esp since some ppl who have conveniently forgotten they teased me are on my friend's list. And some of these same ppl make fun of me now b/c I eat well and work out lol. It's all good though Keep loving yourself! My fave quote? "Love me or hate me I'm STILL gonna shine!" lol
THIS
This what?? ^^^^^^^^^^0 -
Attraction is NOT simply physical. I was with a man for 6 years that was heavy because I loved his personality, which lead to my attraction to him. I found him wildly sexy because of who he was.
I still fall for guys based on personality over body type.
I agree that attraction isn't just physical, well not for me anyway. I don't really care what body type a guy has as long as he is intelligent, caring, can hold a good conversation, we can laugh together and we just click.
I haven't been to see films like Magic Mike simply because they don't interest me. I prize and value personality over look any day. I agree that there has to be an attraction but it has to be more than physical. I like to be in a relationship where he loves me regardless and vice versa. I understand that this may not be a popular view point and that the media trains us to value beauty over other stuff but that's tosh. it's about the person you. I honestly believe that.0 -
Is this really the same?
Nobody should reflect themselves poorly just to troll for some dumpy guy who like fat girls.
Be your best and go after somebody equally yoked physically.
Ladies, think of the movies "Magic Mike"
Would any of you have gone if the movie was about some nice but porcine fat guy who liked to dance?
NO!
Accept that beauty and attraction is mostly about looks.
And yes, the guys who would have never given the time of day will like you fit.
Big deal!
That's life.
I think they called that movie The Full Monty....
Are people viewing these guys like the Mike character.
Face it.
Mike makes ladies swoon!
One lady in another forum said she'd leave her husband in a second to have...whoever that actor is playing "Mike"...lol
All I am saying is to not spend your life swimming up stream against nature.
Nature is wonderful but at times very cruel.
Again, good luck with this.
I had to deal with this very issue, so it's not just the guys who can seem shallow.0 -
guys who say "i'd only date thin girls" are shallow, and you'll know the difference in other behaviors. i mean, i once fell for a guy like that, and i even lost a lot of weight (in a really unhealthy fashion) hoping he would actually be in a relationship with me instead of getting some on the side when no one was watching - but he still treated me like crap after i lost weight. (post-divorce lack of confidence can lead to really unhealthy relationships. huh.)
also, i'd say that guys will start paying attention long before you reach your goal weight. find someone who loves you no matter what. it's totally possible.
the fear of being judged worthy or not based on your appearance - that's what you need to worry about getting over. you aren't losing weight to find a relationship. you're losing weight to make yourself a healthier, better you. work on that, and work on finding relationships that are healthy and based on good personality match and love, rather than worrying about whether someone would have loved you when you were overweight.
i dont get the "its shallow to not want to date overweight people" mentality. if thats shallow then its also shallow to not want to date ugly people, or people from certain races, people of the wrong height, etc..
the heart wants what the heart wants.
i dunno, i've dated quite a few people who aren't conventionally attractive, and i've fallen for people i didn't look at on day one and go, Whoa, they're hot!
i'm not saying people should date someone who isn't attractive to them. what's shallow is "i'm not giving that person the time of day on the street." or, "i really like hanging out/being with/sleeping with X, but they're fat so i would never really 'date' them because my friends would see me with a fat chick."0
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