Former Fat Kid Relationship Philosophy Conundrum
Replies
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You want a guy who's fit and healthy, but it's not ok for guys to want the same??0
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That is a wonderful quote and healthy outlook.
^^^^^^^It sure feels good to post my pics on FB though...esp since some ppl who have conveniently forgotten they teased me are on my friend's list. And some of these same ppl make fun of me now b/c I eat well and work out lol. It's all good though
Keep loving yourself! My fave quote? "Love me or hate me I'm STILL gonna shine!" lol
THIS
This what?? ^^^^^^^^^^
And you do shine.
:flowerforyou:0 -
When you find the right guy he will be someone who will love you for you, no matter whether you are fit or fat. Stuff happens. Sometimes we gain weight, sometimes we get sick. The right guy will love you no matter what. Who wants a partner who ditches when you have a health crisis?
I would never stay with a man who only dates thin women. I married one once and he made my life miserable. I also would never date a man who only dates fat women because too often a man like that will sabotage any weight loss efforts you make. If you find someone who loves you and respects you for who you are, you'll know.0 -
My thoughts EXACTLY!!! Not only would he understand the struggle you had faced but he would be better able to appreciate all of the hard work and dedication it took for you to change your lifestyle and get fit.... He would have the same focus and determination if he himself had gone from fat 2 fit.0
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It sure feels good to post my pics on FB though...esp since some ppl who have conveniently forgotten they teased me are on my friend's list. And some of these same ppl make fun of me now b/c I eat well and work out lol. It's all good though Keep loving yourself! My fave quote? "Love me or hate me I'm STILL gonna shine!" lol
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And the best part is when those people that used to make you feel so unworthy and teased you are now the ones who are overweight.0 -
Short of finding a guy who used to be heavy and is not just as interested in fitness as you are, I think you're going to have to learn to make the distinction between a guy who would not have been attracted to the overweight you because that's just not what draws his eye initially, and a guy who doesn't believe overweight people are worth dating. Give a guy the chance -- if he seems anti-fat, then drop him. But just because health is one of the things that attracts a guy, it doesn't mean that the attraction fades if you gain weight -- by then, he should know and love the rest of you (the important stuff that doesn't always show in the first impression).0
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That is a wonderful quote and healthy outlook.
^^^^^^^It sure feels good to post my pics on FB though...esp since some ppl who have conveniently forgotten they teased me are on my friend's list. And some of these same ppl make fun of me now b/c I eat well and work out lol. It's all good though Keep loving yourself! My fave quote? "Love me or hate me I'm STILL gonna shine!" lol
THIS
This what?? ^^^^^^^^^^
And you do shine.
:flowerforyou:
Awww...thank you! It's the humidity out here today making me shine...ha ha 0 -
But here's the thing-- how do you get over the mental hurtle of knowing this person might not have shown any interest in you at your former, higher weight?
Apologies if this is excessively blunt this early in the day, but your concern doesn't make any sense to me. There's no "what if" test that I'm aware of as far as screening for relationships go. It comes down to hopefully finding a decent person and letting the not-so-decent ones float to the surface so you can scrape them off... Unless someone clearly says "I don't date chicks above xyz weight," there's no way to tell if someone's going to be able to handle their partner's weight gain, surprise illness, disfiguring accident, etc. And if someone DOES say that, well they've culled themselves from the list of potentials, even if that's incredibly honest.
You're not going to attract a healthy partner with your current line of thinking. It's negative, self-loathing, and is only going to attract the person you're trying not to attract. Change your mindset. Focus on the positive. Focus on finding the positive, instead.
If you're making an effort to improve your health and thus improving your exterior, what difference should it make if someone would've been interested in you in a former, higher weight? That's like asking if someone would've dated who you were in high school or when you had that bad hair cut. You don't have a time machine. It's in the past. Let it go.
You're making strides to improve your health. Focus on you, who you are now, and who you're striving to be. Focus on being positive and hopefully you'll find someone else who focuses on the positive and who likes you for who you are. Anyone who gives you a laundry list of things they won't tolerate (as honest as that may be) probably isn't the person you're looking for anyway.0 -
How to you get over it?Ok, so one thing I keep wondering about recently is this:
I am currently single and have been for a few years now-- roughly the same amount of time since my weight got out of control. But now that I'm losing (little by little), I wonder if guys will see me more as I get smaller. But here's the thing-- how do you get over the mental hurtle of knowing this person might not have shown any interest in you at your former, higher weight? I mean, I know people in general are more attracted to fit people, but... I guess what I'm saying is I don't want a guy that couldn't want the fat me, even if I want to improve myself and my body. Have any other single people who have reached their goals dealt with this idea loop? How?
I guess the basis for this is that I've lived around a terrible double standard where guys get to be overweight, but women over 130 get criticized, and I really couldn't deal with that trait in a partner. At the same time, I'd love to be with someone that was kind of health-nutty and fit so we could do crazy activities together, like running marathons or taking dance classes or something.
Easy.
Attraction is physical - period.
That's nature; welcome to the human race.
BUCK UP!
You plug into reality and resolve to live well, be happy and stay fit.
I don't mean to be unkind, but body fat is ugly to most people.
This is news?
Just suck it up, get healthy where you'll look good, feel great and live a nice long life.
Good Luck :flowerforyou:
this0 -
Nobody should reflect themselves poorly just to troll for some dumpy guy who like fat girls.
Be your best and go after somebody equally yoked physically.
Ladies, think of the movies "Magic Mike"
Would any of you have gone if the movie was about some nice but porcine fat guy who liked to dance?
NO!
Accept that beauty and attraction is mostly about looks.
And yes, the guys who would have never given the time of day will like you fit.
Big deal!
That's life.
I think they called that movie The Full Monty....
And I saw it twice in the theater, and now own it. The theory above is flawed. I loved that movie because the guys were so loveable.0 -
Would you become less attracted to someone after they told you they used to be overweight? If not, then you don't need to tolerate it in a partner. I'm sure you'll have ample opportunity to explain to the person you're in a relationship with that you used to be overweight. If they find that unappealing, they can move on, and so can you. You can't expect someone to be in love with the person you used to be - that's just impossible; they didn't know you then. But if it bothers them to know you were overweight at one point, then it's just not going to work out. Trust me, there are men (and women) who are better than that, and I'm sure you can find someone who shares your passions and interests who won't be bothered by your former weight.0
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So in my experience older guys 30 plus are less likely to be as focused on the looks and more focused on the over all package. Aside from losing weight and looking thinner your entire life is probably changing. You are no doubt more confident, more sure of your self, more outgoing, more alive, more ambitious, more disciplined, and trustworthy, more honest, and more dependable. Those are all traits that develop and are needed to sustain a lifestyle change of fitness and nutrition. You are going to attract guys with the same qualities and be turned off by guys who don't have those qualities. Also, the "pickins" are not so slim any longer. Focus less on the guys more on your self and becoming that self you are destined to be and that right guy is going to meet you there. (Preaching to myself this morning as well ) 0
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Honestly, do you find yourself attractive when you're overweight? If you think you look fine, then just make sure to exercise and stay fit. You don't need to lose any weight to improve your fitness.
On the other hand, if you don't find yourself attractive, why would you expect a guy to? I am losing weight because I look gross to myself in the mirror. I do NOT expect a woman to look at me and not think I am unattractive. If I am a great person (I think I am) that may lead to people liking me but I don't expect it to lead to them being attracted to me sexually.0 -
It sure feels good to post my pics on FB though...esp since some ppl who have conveniently forgotten they teased me are on my friend's list. And some of these same ppl make fun of me now b/c I eat well and work out lol. It's all good though Keep loving yourself! My fave quote? "Love me or hate me I'm STILL gonna shine!" lol
And the best part is when those people that used to make you feel so unworthy and teased you are now the ones who are overweight.
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The thing about facebook is that I'm friends with people that weren't too nice to me in high school, but I'm assuming at 39 years old they have gone through life struggles and have grown up and aren't the same stupid kids they were back then.
It's not shallow for someone to be attracted to a thin person, everyone is attracted to someone, most women are attracted to tall men, that leaves out a whole demographic of men that don't fall into that category, but then there are people out there that just like who they like, tall, fat, thin or short. If the personality fits, they date them. You cannot know for sure if that person would ever date you when you were fatter, but honestly why does that matter? What if when you were heavier, you never went in this persons circle? What if when you were heavier you looked at the ground when you walked and never met someones eyes or smiled at a stranger? How are they suppose to want to get to know you if you never shared anything with them. Confidence is important, and if you spend so much time worrying about whether or not someone would date you when you were heavier, you may never meet anyone who would like to date you now. Shed the fat persona with every pound you lose. Be the person you are now.0 -
Not to sound too repetitive, but I agree with most of what everyone has said in response to your question. In order to love anyone else, you have to love yourself, and the former fat girl yes, is part of yourself, but she is not who you are now. "Former" is the key word. You can look back on that time in your life in your memories, but no one says you have to continue to be that person. You can reinvent yourself and be whoever you want to be, you just have to want to do it. Other people notice when you are confident and happy, and it makes them want to get to know you, so dwelling on your former fat girl image is probably not the best thing to do in order to be confident and happy. Make yourself a new image and shed the old, and rock out and enjoy life because you only live once and you're worth it! (Not to sound too cliche :P)
As far as the attractiveness issue...at least for my personal experience, both with past boyfriends and with my current one, "attraction" is a combination of (yes) physical, but also mental and emotional experiences you have with the other person. I don't really have a "type," I have dated guys who have varied pretty widely in their physical appearance. Some were stick skinny, some were a little overweight, and only one was a real workout buff with muscles. I think chemistry is a more accurate word to use when describing someone you initially meet, because it's a combination of not only certain things about physical appearance, but also incorporates non-physical attributes. Yes, I like men who have nice eyes, a sexy smile, and a round butt, but I also like men with a sense of humor, intelligence, and just a spark that has to be there. The spark is chemistry, and if you meet someone that has the spark, then you will probably want to be with them no matter what they look like. And they will feel the same about you if you have chemistry with them.0 -
Confidence is sexy! I try to explain to my 9 year old (who thinks she is 25!) when we see girls (usually teenagers) dressed inappropriately and they are showing tons of skin and fidgeting to pull tops up and keep skirts down and standing awkwardly to cover their tummies, etc. that it isn't attractive. It is better to wear clothes that leave something to the imagination and fit properly so that you aren't constantly acting self conscious. It is a lesson I wish all women could learn. Strut with confidence no matter what size you are!
My mom explained that to me at a young age, "if you gotta keep adjusting your clothes the whole night, it doesn't fit. Wear something else!" I had gained weight at puberty so I never got to wear the skimpy clothes as a teen so I'm okay with that. Kept me out of trouble. :laugh: The confidence....is a work in progress but I feel much better than I used to.Love and attraction are apples and oranges. The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart. A good man knows this.
Yes but attraction is what lead him to talk to me in the first place. That and my friend kept bugging him to talk to me, "Come oooooon, she's cool and really cuuuuuuute! Go say hi." :laugh: But yeah, we've been going for a year now so here's to hoping it continues as well as it is now. So yeah, it was attraction and then love. But he's still attracted to me, it's just stronger now because of how close we got. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this well at all. :bigsmile:0 -
How to you get over it?
Easy.
Attraction is physical - period.
That's nature; welcome to the human race.
BUCK UP!
You plug into reality and resolve to live well, be happy and stay fit.
I don't mean to be unkind, but body fat is ugly to most people.
This is news?
Just suck it up, get healthy where you'll look good, feel great and live a nice long life.
Good Luck :flowerforyou:
Bluntly put, but true. We are hardwired to overeat every chance we get, but we're also hardwired to like our mates thin. Go figure, welcome to humanity, nuttiest species this planet ever created.0 -
Ok, so one thing I keep wondering about recently is this:
I am currently single and have been for a few years now-- roughly the same amount of time since my weight got out of control. But now that I'm losing (little by little), I wonder if guys will see me more as I get smaller. But here's the thing-- how do you get over the mental hurtle of knowing this person might not have shown any interest in you at your former, higher weight? I mean, I know people in general are more attracted to fit people, but... I guess what I'm saying is I don't want a guy that couldn't want the fat me, even if I want to improve myself and my body. Have any other single people who have reached their goals dealt with this idea loop? How?
I guess the basis for this is that I've lived around a terrible double standard where guys get to be overweight, but women over 130 get criticized, and I really couldn't deal with that trait in a partner. At the same time, I'd love to be with someone that was kind of health-nutty and fit so we could do crazy activities together, like running marathons or taking dance classes or something.
If any man is truly going to love you he will love you regardless of what you look like. I'm a man, I know. I could care less what a person looks like, that's completely shallow. What matters is the content of a person's heart and character. True beauty comes from within and then, like a light, escapes to make the whole person shine.
A girl could be hot as hot is but if her personality is off, then she'd be considered extremely unattractive to me.0 -
Ok, so one thing I keep wondering about recently is this:
I am currently single and have been for a few years now-- roughly the same amount of time since my weight got out of control. But now that I'm losing (little by little), I wonder if guys will see me more as I get smaller. But here's the thing-- how do you get over the mental hurtle of knowing this person might not have shown any interest in you at your former, higher weight? I mean, I know people in general are more attracted to fit people, but... I guess what I'm saying is I don't want a guy that couldn't want the fat me, even if I want to improve myself and my body. Have any other single people who have reached their goals dealt with this idea loop? How?
I guess the basis for this is that I've lived around a terrible double standard where guys get to be overweight, but women over 130 get criticized, and I really couldn't deal with that trait in a partner. At the same time, I'd love to be with someone that was kind of health-nutty and fit so we could do crazy activities together, like running marathons or taking dance classes or something.
You didnt want the fat you, why should he? You should want a man who wants the best for you and for himself and that involves you being healthy.0 -
Personally, if I am overweight, even just a little, I feel fat and unattractive and I wouldn't expect anyone to be attracted to me. I've never had a guy ask me out or hit on me when I'm on the chunkier side and I don't blame them. The thinner I am, the more confident I feel, the more men I attract. It might just be the confidence thing. But I would rather date a guy who looks fit and healthy, so why is it wrong for a man to feel the same way?0
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When you are more attractive, more people will be attracted to you. When you are lean and fit, it shows that you take care of yourself. That in itself is an attractive quality. When you're fat, it shows that you neglect/abuse your body. That is an unattractive quality. This is all very normal. Do you think women would be oohing and ahhing about Brad Pitt if he had an extra 60 lbs of fat on him?0
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I can only answer for me....just myself.
but at my highest weight and even my not so highest weight, not only did "they" not see me, but I hid, I would look down, I wasn't confident, I didn't portray myself as someone that was "out there" ready to meet people.
It's just as much my fault as it is anyone's for why I wasn't meeting people at my highest weight.
and i resolved to remember that.
Now that people express interest in me, I know that PART of it truly is my success and the fact that I fit clothes better and look healthier and slimmer, but also and this is REALLY important...
I am more confident....that's the clincher...and that's me. That's not them not seeing me, that's not them not being attracted to fact me...that's me, being ready to be out there, be noticed and desired and attractive.
So that's how I'm trying to look at it.
Lauren0 -
Initially it's attraction that causes you to want to get to know someone, I am the same, I'm sure the pretty girls who never looked at me might be nice people if you get to know them, but if I was somewhat attractive to them then I guess they would have wanted to know me, or visa versa in your situation, but you can't help attraction, it is what it is.
E.g. do you think every single guy you meet is a good candidate?0 -
bumping for later0
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Why don't you decide what your own personal standards are for yourself and hold to them?Ok, so one thing I keep wondering about recently is this:
I am currently single and have been for a few years now-- roughly the same amount of time since my weight got out of control. But now that I'm losing (little by little), I wonder if guys will see me more as I get smaller. But here's the thing-- how do you get over the mental hurtle of knowing this person might not have shown any interest in you at your former, higher weight? I mean, I know people in general are more attracted to fit people, but... I guess what I'm saying is I don't want a guy that couldn't want the fat me, even if I want to improve myself and my body. Have any other single people who have reached their goals dealt with this idea loop? How?
I guess the basis for this is that I've lived around a terrible double standard where guys get to be overweight, but women over 130 get criticized, and I really couldn't deal with that trait in a partner. At the same time, I'd love to be with someone that was kind of health-nutty and fit so we could do crazy activities together, like running marathons or taking dance classes or something.
For example, my personal standard for fitness includes looking good for my husband. So when i gained weight and lost some fitness, i endeavored to return to fit and attractive. My husband wants me to be fit and attractive, too. He's a man! visual is important. Is he scrutinizing my every flaw? no. Did he love me less when i gained weight? no. Would he leave me if i stayed heavy? no. Would I be happy unfit? No!!
Do i want my husband fit and attractive? Yes! It would bother me if he got heavy. Why? Because it's the standards we have set...for many reasons. The visual. Also practically speaking being heavy and unfit has a host of problems we don't want. Also we really like to PLAY HARD...boating, hiking, swimming, etc... He's a pilot and fitness matters there too...and lol I don't want to throw off the weight and balance in his plane....seriously!! it's a privilege to fly private.
Be practical. BE the girl......... that the guy you want.......... would want.0 -
You mentioned you'd like to be with someone who would go to dance classes, marathons, etc with you. Try going to some active group activities in your area (like yoga!) and meet guys there. It's likely you'll find some men there that they will be more focused on being healthy rather than thin. And then you'll have someone to help you stay in shape. Remember to weed out any jerks though! Maybe after a few dates mention your fears casually and see how he reacts. You'll find the right person and when you do he'll love you no matter what.0
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I got with my boyfriend when I was heavy, so I don't know how it would be if I ever broke up with him, because I still always feel fat, even though I have lost enough to be in a healthy weight range and am at my smallest weight as an adult. I have met people more recently that didn't know I used to be heavier, and hearing things that they say about people who are heavier makes me cringe. I know they would have been talking poorly about me if I was heavier still, or if they had seen me in the past. It is an interesting question that you pose, though. I think that after going on a few dates you will know if they are judgmental or not. People who judge tend to talk about their judgments because they feel entitled to do so.0
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There are situations like myself - I will never date an obese woman. The reason for that is that I dated for 7 years a woman who ate junk food every day and was morbidly obese. She was the stereotypical obese person - lazy and eats crap. I asked to go for a walk together so many times, and she went with a walk with me once or twice in those 7 years. She also was a bad influence on my weight, imagine living in a candy store - that is what it was like when we lived together. I was offered junk food so many times. I had lived with a woman who died and knew how depressed it made me, and realised that the same thing would happen with her. So I broke up with her. Now I am just not attracted to obese women, I was before but after my ex, I'm not anymore.0
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