Would you be hurt?

Carrot1971
Carrot1971 Posts: 272 Member
in Chit-Chat
So my husband and I and our daughter went on vacation with my mother in law, brother in law and nephew. Both kids are 5. We went to his aunts condo in Florida and then my mother in law paid for a trip to Disney World for us. We even went to Disney on my birthday! Sounds perfect, right? Hmm... So for the first three days my husband and I didn't have one conversation together. He was busy hanging out with his brother. Great. I get it. Bro time. No problem. But three days? I tried not to be hurt/angry. Then on the day of Disney (my birthday, remember), our daughter was in a "mood" Those of you with 5 year old girls know what I mean. She was grumpy, moody, whiney. So I stayed with her while my husband and his family rode the rides, etc. I dealt with her meltdowns, temper tantrums, whining while he went off to have fun with is family. I get that. Its HIS family afterall. I love them dearly, but its HIS blood. No problem. But the thing that hurts the most was the fact that my husband didn't do anything for me for my birthday. Not as much as a card. This is the second year in a row I got nothing from him. Last year I turned 40 and he "planned" a surprise party for me. Come to find out he actually asked my best friend to plan it for him. He did get the cake though. But even last year, I got nothing. The party was my gift he said. The party that my best friend planned and organized. This year he said the trip was my present. The trip that my mother in law planned and paid for. So...would you be hurt?
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Replies

  • stevepierson
    stevepierson Posts: 119
    Yea, probably a little, at least...
  • lil_bit_crazy
    lil_bit_crazy Posts: 161 Member
    The truth? You should be pi$$ed at minimum. When he married YOU that made YOU his new family. YOU are now superior to whatever his "blood" is..mom brother dad etc. Yes that's his family he was born and raised in. But he CHOSE YOU.

    His first priority should have been his family. YOU and your child(Ren).
    PERIOD.

    That's not saying he can't have a relationship or do things with mom or siblings. But his obligations are to you not them.
    That's not being selfish. Its called being a husband and a dad.
  • shaynak112
    shaynak112 Posts: 751 Member
    Yeah, I'd be very hurt :(
  • JustJennie1
    JustJennie1 Posts: 3,749 Member
    How often does he see his family? Once a year? Once in a while? Why didn't you say something to him about his being with his brother all the time or better yet offer to go with him or do something with his other family members? I've gone on vacation with my husband and his family before and I've always hung out with all of them. Did you try to hang out with him and his brother? Did you even talk to him about it at all?

    With regards to you having to take care of your daughter who was in a "mood" did you ever once say to your husband "Hon, can you take her for a little while? I'd really like to ride some rides!" or ask his mother or another family member or did you just sit there and suck it up and not do anything?

    I'm not trying to be harsh here but it sounds like you just sat back and didn't say anything about this bothering you. As for the ignoring of your birthday so what if he had your friend plan your 40th party? Did you get the details as to why he did that or did you again not say anything? It sounds like there's a serious lack of communication in your relationship.
  • lil_bit_crazy
    lil_bit_crazy Posts: 161 Member
    How often does he see his family? Once a year? Once in a while? Why didn't you say something to him about his being with his brother all the time or better yet offer to go with him or do something with his other family members? I've gone on vacation with my husband and his family before and I've always hung out with all of them. Did you try to hang out with him and his brother? Did you even talk to him about it at all?

    With regards to you having to take care of your daughter who was in a "mood" did you ever once say to your husband "Hon, can you take her for a little while? I'd really like to ride some rides!" or ask his mother or another family member or did you just sit there and suck it up and not do anything?

    I'm not trying to be harsh here but it sounds like you just sat back and didn't say anything about this bothering you. As for the ignoring of your birthday so what if he had your friend plan your 40th party? Did you get the details as to why he did that or did you again not say anything? It sounds like there's a serious lack of communication in your relationship.



    Really it doesn't matter how often he sees them. Its rude and disrespectful for him to leave his wife birthday or not, on a vacation. And to leave her with their child who's in a "mood"? He's a parent too.
    As for the birthday that her friend planned, if it was not a big issue he should have said "hey I really didn't know who to invite so I had so n so HELP me with some planning" not let her do it and get caught lying and only picking up a cake. That's crappy.

    Put it like this...my husband used to see his mom once every year or two. The last time she was around us (me, him n 3 kids) she ran her mouth saying all kinds of rude things.
    My husband told her she was no longer welcome around his family until she apologized and treated us respectfully. She said she was his family. He said no, THIS is my family. And we haven't seen her in about 3-4 years. We get a call around Christmas. This last one, as like every other, she still tells me what a horrible wife, mom person I am. How her son didn't want me. How I lie. Etc...it never ends.
    Regardless, she shouldn't have to say anything to her husband to take care of his child o. And he shouldn't be so up his mom/brothers *kitten* that he's too lazy or thoughtless to do something for his wife's birthday.
  • TISH27kidneytransplant
    TISH27kidneytransplant Posts: 69
    I would tell that since you didn't get really do anything on your birthday, that on a weekend you chose you going out and he gets to watch the kiddo! Don't give him a choice about it either, cuz it's clear he didn't give you one!
  • JustJennie1
    JustJennie1 Posts: 3,749 Member
    How often does he see his family? Once a year? Once in a while? Why didn't you say something to him about his being with his brother all the time or better yet offer to go with him or do something with his other family members? I've gone on vacation with my husband and his family before and I've always hung out with all of them. Did you try to hang out with him and his brother? Did you even talk to him about it at all?

    With regards to you having to take care of your daughter who was in a "mood" did you ever once say to your husband "Hon, can you take her for a little while? I'd really like to ride some rides!" or ask his mother or another family member or did you just sit there and suck it up and not do anything?

    I'm not trying to be harsh here but it sounds like you just sat back and didn't say anything about this bothering you. As for the ignoring of your birthday so what if he had your friend plan your 40th party? Did you get the details as to why he did that or did you again not say anything? It sounds like there's a serious lack of communication in your relationship.



    Really it doesn't matter how often he sees them. Its rude and disrespectful for him to leave his wife birthday or not, on a vacation. And to leave her with their child who's in a "mood"? He's a parent too.
    As for the birthday that her friend planned, if it was not a big issue he should have said "hey I really didn't know who to invite so I had so n so HELP me with some planning" not let her do it and get caught lying and only picking up a cake. That's crappy.

    Put it like this...my husband used to see his mom once every year or two. The last time she was around us (me, him n 3 kids) she ran her mouth saying all kinds of rude things.
    My husband told her she was no longer welcome around his family until she apologized and treated us respectfully. She said she was his family. He said no, THIS is my family. And we haven't seen her in about 3-4 years. We get a call around Christmas. This last one, as like every other, she still tells me what a horrible wife, mom person I am. How her son didn't want me. How I lie. Etc...it never ends.
    Regardless, she shouldn't have to say anything to her husband to take care of his child o. And he shouldn't be so up his mom/brothers *kitten* that he's too lazy or thoughtless to do something for his wife's birthday.

    I'm sorry but if something is bothering me and it concerns my SO I'm going to say something to him about it and let him know how I feel. He's not a mind reader. Stamping around and saying nothing is wrong isn't going to fix things. She said that she tried not to be hurt/angry which means she didn't say a damn thing to him about what was bothering her.

    Again there is a serious lack of communication in this relationship and I don't see that it has anything to do with his family but her inability to speak up and say what's bothering her.
  • beach_please
    beach_please Posts: 533 Member
    So my husband and I and our daughter went on vacation with my mother in law, brother in law and nephew. Both kids are 5. We went to his aunts condo in Florida and then my mother in law paid for a trip to Disney World for us. We even went to Disney on my birthday! Sounds perfect, right? Hmm... So for the first three days my husband and I didn't have one conversation together. He was busy hanging out with his brother. Great. I get it. Bro time. No problem. But three days? I tried not to be hurt/angry. Then on the day of Disney (my birthday, remember), our daughter was in a "mood" Those of you with 5 year old girls know what I mean. She was grumpy, moody, whiney. So I stayed with her while my husband and his family rode the rides, etc. I dealt with her meltdowns, temper tantrums, whining while he went off to have fun with is family. I get that. Its HIS family afterall. I love them dearly, but its HIS blood. No problem. But the thing that hurts the most was the fact that my husband didn't do anything for me for my birthday. Not as much as a card. This is the second year in a row I got nothing from him. Last year I turned 40 and he "planned" a surprise party for me. Come to find out he actually asked my best friend to plan it for him. He did get the cake though. But even last year, I got nothing. The party was my gift he said. The party that my best friend planned and organized. This year he said the trip was my present. The trip that my mother in law planned and paid for. So...would you be hurt?

    I think I'd be more pissed than hurt. It's a vacation for everyone so why should you be the only one stuck dealing with your child. You guys could have taken turns staying with her. I think you should talk to him about it so you can avoid this sort of thing in the future... it's possible he didn't realize what a tool he was being. I don't think I'd be too bothered by his lack of creativity and effort in getting you gifts... I think most guys generally suck at it. I'd be more upset at how he treated you on your birthday.
  • reojames
    reojames Posts: 96
    Wow, bless your heart. I know what you're going through, because I was THAT GUY two years ago. My wife had to ask for a divorce before I woke up. Ask your husband to read "Every Man's Marriage". That book (and a lot of prayer!) saved my marriage.
  • twinmom14ek
    twinmom14ek Posts: 174 Member
    My two cents: any marriage in which a couple can sleep in the same room for three days and not have a single conversation has bigger issues than who did what on a birthday. This is hitting close to home because I just got back from vacation with family that had a similiar problem. If you're having that much trouble communicating, you might want to consider getting a disinterested third party involved to help--either together, or separately, if you can't convince him. Best of luck!
  • reojames
    reojames Posts: 96
    How often does he see his family? Once a year? Once in a while? Why didn't you say something to him about his being with his brother all the time or better yet offer to go with him or do something with his other family members? I've gone on vacation with my husband and his family before and I've always hung out with all of them. Did you try to hang out with him and his brother? Did you even talk to him about it at all?

    With regards to you having to take care of your daughter who was in a "mood" did you ever once say to your husband "Hon, can you take her for a little while? I'd really like to ride some rides!" or ask his mother or another family member or did you just sit there and suck it up and not do anything?

    I'm not trying to be harsh here but it sounds like you just sat back and didn't say anything about this bothering you. As for the ignoring of your birthday so what if he had your friend plan your 40th party? Did you get the details as to why he did that or did you again not say anything? It sounds like there's a serious lack of communication in your relationship.



    Really it doesn't matter how often he sees them. Its rude and disrespectful for him to leave his wife birthday or not, on a vacation. And to leave her with their child who's in a "mood"? He's a parent too.
    As for the birthday that her friend planned, if it was not a big issue he should have said "hey I really didn't know who to invite so I had so n so HELP me with some planning" not let her do it and get caught lying and only picking up a cake. That's crappy.

    Put it like this...my husband used to see his mom once every year or two. The last time she was around us (me, him n 3 kids) she ran her mouth saying all kinds of rude things.
    My husband told her she was no longer welcome around his family until she apologized and treated us respectfully. She said she was his family. He said no, THIS is my family. And we haven't seen her in about 3-4 years. We get a call around Christmas. This last one, as like every other, she still tells me what a horrible wife, mom person I am. How her son didn't want me. How I lie. Etc...it never ends.
    Regardless, she shouldn't have to say anything to her husband to take care of his child o. And he shouldn't be so up his mom/brothers *kitten* that he's too lazy or thoughtless to do something for his wife's birthday.

    This: WELL SAID!!!
  • Carrot1971
    Carrot1971 Posts: 272 Member
    How often does he see his family? Once a year? Once in a while? Why didn't you say something to him about his being with his brother all the time or better yet offer to go with him or do something with his other family members? I've gone on vacation with my husband and his family before and I've always hung out with all of them. Did you try to hang out with him and his brother? Did you even talk to him about it at all?

    With regards to you having to take care of your daughter who was in a "mood" did you ever once say to your husband "Hon, can you take her for a little while? I'd really like to ride some rides!" or ask his mother or another family member or did you just sit there and suck it up and not do anything?

    I'm not trying to be harsh here but it sounds like you just sat back and didn't say anything about this bothering you. As for the ignoring of your birthday so what if he had your friend plan your 40th party? Did you get the details as to why he did that or did you again not say anything? It sounds like there's a serious lack of communication in your relationship.



    Really it doesn't matter how often he sees them. Its rude and disrespectful for him to leave his wife birthday or not, on a vacation. And to leave her with their child who's in a "mood"? He's a parent too.
    As for the birthday that her friend planned, if it was not a big issue he should have said "hey I really didn't know who to invite so I had so n so HELP me with some planning" not let her do it and get caught lying and only picking up a cake. That's crappy.

    Put it like this...my husband used to see his mom once every year or two. The last time she was around us (me, him n 3 kids) she ran her mouth saying all kinds of rude things.
    My husband told her she was no longer welcome around his family until she apologized and treated us respectfully. She said she was his family. He said no, THIS is my family. And we haven't seen her in about 3-4 years. We get a call around Christmas. This last one, as like every other, she still tells me what a horrible wife, mom person I am. How her son didn't want me. How I lie. Etc...it never ends.
    Regardless, she shouldn't have to say anything to her husband to take care of his child o. And he shouldn't be so up his mom/brothers *kitten* that he's too lazy or thoughtless to do something for his wife's birthday.

    I'm sorry but if something is bothering me and it concerns my SO I'm going to say something to him about it and let him know how I feel. He's not a mind reader. Stamping around and saying nothing is wrong isn't going to fix things. She said that she tried not to be hurt/angry which means she didn't say a damn thing to him about what was bothering her.

    Again there is a serious lack of communication in this relationship and I don't see that it has anything to do with his family but her inability to speak up and say what's bothering her.

    First of all I DID say something to my husband. Time and time again. I started out by "joking" about it. Saying "gee, this is the first time you've talked to me since we got here". Then I said, "you spent all day in the ocean with your brother, can you please spend time with Tina and I". That did nothing. As for my birthday. I have made it perfectly clear in the past (birthdays, anniversarys, holidays) that I get hurt when nothing is done. This has been an issue with us for years.

    Also, as for those who say its a communication problem, please be aware we didn't not speak to each other at all. We spoke, just no real conversation about the scenery, etc. We talked about daily stuff, our daughter, etc. Its NOT lack of communication, trust me.
  • ramgi
    ramgi Posts: 196 Member
    I'd be royally POed. If he knows it hurts you when he doesn't get you anything for your birthday and neglects to anyway that's a BIG problem.
  • ItsMeRebekah
    ItsMeRebekah Posts: 909 Member
    yes. id be pretty upset and he would darn well know it.
  • FitnFabMichelle
    FitnFabMichelle Posts: 161 Member
    Yeah, I'd definitely be hurt.
  • iLoveMyPitbull1225
    iLoveMyPitbull1225 Posts: 1,690 Member
    Yeah, that is understandable to me. If you were one of the couples who legitimately agreed upon no gift giving for birthdays, this would not seem abnormal, but I can see that is not the case. I saw what you wrote about not feeling that it is a lack of communication problem, but that is what I think happened here. Not that you are lacking, if you really did communicate the feelings of hurt when he doesnt give you gifts or even a card, but he is not communicating with you fully.
  • Il_DaniD_lI
    Il_DaniD_lI Posts: 1,593 Member
    I wouldn't be hurt. All I ever want for my birthday is to do something exciting and it sounds like you got to do that.
  • NamibianRose
    NamibianRose Posts: 151 Member
    I wouldn't be hurt. All I ever want for my birthday is to do something exciting and it sounds like you got to do that.

    By not being able to go to Disney but do nothing but take care of a moody child all on her own while her husband and the father of said child gallivants around the park having fun with others? I know where you're coming from, because I don't care about celebrating my birthday or getting gifts, for birthdays or Xmas, but his behavior was hurtful.

    He has a whole host of other problems if he needs to be told that his behavior was selfish and inconsiderate. I know someone who is like your husband, and I always suspected he was a sociopath, turns out he scored extremely low on an empathy test. I was not surprised in the least. Some people just don't get it.
  • MtnKat
    MtnKat Posts: 714
    Yes I would be mad. I wouldn't hold it in either....my husband would have heard it from me right then and there.

    Just do what I do: Buy your own gift. Not just any gift either....something really good that you've wanted for a long time. One time my husband complained about the $$ I spent....I just told him that if he had bought the gift, it would have been way cheaper lol. He usually never forgets now :-)
  • clairegreen1974
    clairegreen1974 Posts: 121 Member
    Definately!

    Seriously i would sit down with him and ask if there was anything wrong, explain how you feel if you havent already and if nothing improves or he refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem I know what my birthday present would be to him.... The Decree Nisi

    What a dork! :noway:
  • JustJennie1
    JustJennie1 Posts: 3,749 Member

    First of all I DID say something to my husband. Time and time again. I started out by "joking" about it. Saying "gee, this is the first time you've talked to me since we got here". Then I said, "you spent all day in the ocean with your brother, can you please spend time with Tina and I". That did nothing. As for my birthday. I have made it perfectly clear in the past (birthdays, anniversarys, holidays) that I get hurt when nothing is done. This has been an issue with us for years.

    Also, as for those who say its a communication problem, please be aware we didn't not speak to each other at all. We spoke, just no real conversation about the scenery, etc. We talked about daily stuff, our daughter, etc. Its NOT lack of communication, trust me.

    What was his response to you asking him to do something with you and your daughter (I'm guessing that's who Tina is).

    (edited to condense the quoting to what I'm actually responding to).
  • CarleyLovesPets
    CarleyLovesPets Posts: 410 Member
    I would have been big time upset.

    My ex and I actually broke up on our anniversary because I was tired of it and told him I'm tired of not being appreciated.
    It wasn't the only reason, but it was the straw that broke the camels back.

    No card, flowers... nothing.

    and I had even asked him to even make me a card with pen and paper - yet he didn't.
  • Carrot1971
    Carrot1971 Posts: 272 Member

    First of all I DID say something to my husband. Time and time again. I started out by "joking" about it. Saying "gee, this is the first time you've talked to me since we got here". Then I said, "you spent all day in the ocean with your brother, can you please spend time with Tina and I". That did nothing. As for my birthday. I have made it perfectly clear in the past (birthdays, anniversarys, holidays) that I get hurt when nothing is done. This has been an issue with us for years.

    Also, as for those who say its a communication problem, please be aware we didn't not speak to each other at all. We spoke, just no real conversation about the scenery, etc. We talked about daily stuff, our daughter, etc. Its NOT lack of communication, trust me.

    What was his response to you asking him to do something with you and your daughter (I'm guessing that's who Tina is).

    (edited to condense the quoting to what I'm actually responding to).

    Yes, Tina is our daughter. He didn't really respond. He mumbled something and went back into the ocean. You have to understand his family was all around me so I didn't want to cause a scene. 10 days with my inlaws (whom I love dearly) but I felt like I had to walk on egg shells about what I said/did. Sitting here today I realized how hurt I actually was. I spoke with him at lunch and tried to explain to him (AGAIN) how hurt I was (not even mad, but HURT), and he said he loves me, he sucks as a husband, he will try harder, blah blah blah. He says the same things over and over again because he does this same stuff every year (holidays, anniversarys, birthdays). I don't think this is enough to divorce him because I love him dearly but it is causing a serious issue with my self esteem, etc.
  • amysuespears
    amysuespears Posts: 127
    honestly, i'd be very hurt. while it is understandable that he would want to spend time with his family, YOU are part of that family and he should include you in everything. it sounds like he's just not that into you anymore, which is a huge problem. i believe that my birthday is my own personal holiday... i feel that i'm the only one who can make it awesome, so i don't depend on anyone to make it great for me. i do that myself. i make my own plans and tell everyone in advance how i'm going to enjoy my day. when my hubby does something for me for my birthday (which he has done every year), it is always a nice surprise and he gets lots of love for it. now, that doesn't mean that everyone does things this way or that they should do this... what i'm saying is that everyone sets their own standards for what they need from others. if you have told your husband what you need from him and he's not giving it (saying you want attention on your birthday), then that's a major problem that needs to be addressed immediately.
  • cally69
    cally69 Posts: 182 Member
    Next year I would sit him down ahead of time and remind him of the conversation where he has promised to do better. Just tell him that you would like to plan a day for yourself. Then go ahead and make it a nice day for you. Anything he adds to the day is a bonus.He may just be one of those guys who doesn't do gestures of affection. After all, it's not the big days that matter but the little shows of love the rest of the year
    X
  • coliema
    coliema Posts: 7,646 Member
    I would be a little hurt, the best thing you could do is talk to him.
  • Maude_Lewbowski
    Maude_Lewbowski Posts: 395 Member
    #FWP
  • alexbusnello
    alexbusnello Posts: 1,010 Member
    So my husband and I and our daughter went on vacation with my mother in law, brother in law and nephew. Both kids are 5. We went to his aunts condo in Florida and then my mother in law paid for a trip to Disney World for us. We even went to Disney on my birthday! Sounds perfect, right? Hmm... So for the first three days my husband and I didn't have one conversation together. He was busy hanging out with his brother. Great. I get it. Bro time. No problem. But three days? I tried not to be hurt/angry. Then on the day of Disney (my birthday, remember), our daughter was in a "mood" Those of you with 5 year old girls know what I mean. She was grumpy, moody, whiney. So I stayed with her while my husband and his family rode the rides, etc. I dealt with her meltdowns, temper tantrums, whining while he went off to have fun with is family. I get that. Its HIS family afterall. I love them dearly, but its HIS blood. No problem. But the thing that hurts the most was the fact that my husband didn't do anything for me for my birthday. Not as much as a card. This is the second year in a row I got nothing from him. Last year I turned 40 and he "planned" a surprise party for me. Come to find out he actually asked my best friend to plan it for him. He did get the cake though. But even last year, I got nothing. The party was my gift he said. The party that my best friend planned and organized. This year he said the trip was my present. The trip that my mother in law planned and paid for. So...would you be hurt?

    I would be!!!
  • GnaBean
    GnaBean Posts: 112 Member
    Men are clueless. Spell it out for him calmly, if possible. Don't let him minimize your feelings.
  • jwshmoe75
    jwshmoe75 Posts: 119
    Uh, maybe next year for vacation it needs to be just the "3" of you. There is no excuse for him to treat you like that. Sorry, but he's an *kitten*!!!

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