Would you be hurt?

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  • JustJennie1
    JustJennie1 Posts: 3,843 Member
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    First of all I DID say something to my husband. Time and time again. I started out by "joking" about it. Saying "gee, this is the first time you've talked to me since we got here". Then I said, "you spent all day in the ocean with your brother, can you please spend time with Tina and I". That did nothing. As for my birthday. I have made it perfectly clear in the past (birthdays, anniversarys, holidays) that I get hurt when nothing is done. This has been an issue with us for years.

    Also, as for those who say its a communication problem, please be aware we didn't not speak to each other at all. We spoke, just no real conversation about the scenery, etc. We talked about daily stuff, our daughter, etc. Its NOT lack of communication, trust me.

    What was his response to you asking him to do something with you and your daughter (I'm guessing that's who Tina is).

    (edited to condense the quoting to what I'm actually responding to).
  • CarleyLovesPets
    CarleyLovesPets Posts: 410 Member
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    I would have been big time upset.

    My ex and I actually broke up on our anniversary because I was tired of it and told him I'm tired of not being appreciated.
    It wasn't the only reason, but it was the straw that broke the camels back.

    No card, flowers... nothing.

    and I had even asked him to even make me a card with pen and paper - yet he didn't.
  • Carrot1971
    Carrot1971 Posts: 272 Member
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    First of all I DID say something to my husband. Time and time again. I started out by "joking" about it. Saying "gee, this is the first time you've talked to me since we got here". Then I said, "you spent all day in the ocean with your brother, can you please spend time with Tina and I". That did nothing. As for my birthday. I have made it perfectly clear in the past (birthdays, anniversarys, holidays) that I get hurt when nothing is done. This has been an issue with us for years.

    Also, as for those who say its a communication problem, please be aware we didn't not speak to each other at all. We spoke, just no real conversation about the scenery, etc. We talked about daily stuff, our daughter, etc. Its NOT lack of communication, trust me.

    What was his response to you asking him to do something with you and your daughter (I'm guessing that's who Tina is).

    (edited to condense the quoting to what I'm actually responding to).

    Yes, Tina is our daughter. He didn't really respond. He mumbled something and went back into the ocean. You have to understand his family was all around me so I didn't want to cause a scene. 10 days with my inlaws (whom I love dearly) but I felt like I had to walk on egg shells about what I said/did. Sitting here today I realized how hurt I actually was. I spoke with him at lunch and tried to explain to him (AGAIN) how hurt I was (not even mad, but HURT), and he said he loves me, he sucks as a husband, he will try harder, blah blah blah. He says the same things over and over again because he does this same stuff every year (holidays, anniversarys, birthdays). I don't think this is enough to divorce him because I love him dearly but it is causing a serious issue with my self esteem, etc.
  • amysuespears
    amysuespears Posts: 127
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    honestly, i'd be very hurt. while it is understandable that he would want to spend time with his family, YOU are part of that family and he should include you in everything. it sounds like he's just not that into you anymore, which is a huge problem. i believe that my birthday is my own personal holiday... i feel that i'm the only one who can make it awesome, so i don't depend on anyone to make it great for me. i do that myself. i make my own plans and tell everyone in advance how i'm going to enjoy my day. when my hubby does something for me for my birthday (which he has done every year), it is always a nice surprise and he gets lots of love for it. now, that doesn't mean that everyone does things this way or that they should do this... what i'm saying is that everyone sets their own standards for what they need from others. if you have told your husband what you need from him and he's not giving it (saying you want attention on your birthday), then that's a major problem that needs to be addressed immediately.
  • cally69
    cally69 Posts: 182 Member
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    Next year I would sit him down ahead of time and remind him of the conversation where he has promised to do better. Just tell him that you would like to plan a day for yourself. Then go ahead and make it a nice day for you. Anything he adds to the day is a bonus.He may just be one of those guys who doesn't do gestures of affection. After all, it's not the big days that matter but the little shows of love the rest of the year
    X
  • coliema
    coliema Posts: 7,646 Member
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    I would be a little hurt, the best thing you could do is talk to him.
  • Maude_Lewbowski
    Maude_Lewbowski Posts: 395 Member
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    #FWP
  • alexbusnello
    alexbusnello Posts: 1,010 Member
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    So my husband and I and our daughter went on vacation with my mother in law, brother in law and nephew. Both kids are 5. We went to his aunts condo in Florida and then my mother in law paid for a trip to Disney World for us. We even went to Disney on my birthday! Sounds perfect, right? Hmm... So for the first three days my husband and I didn't have one conversation together. He was busy hanging out with his brother. Great. I get it. Bro time. No problem. But three days? I tried not to be hurt/angry. Then on the day of Disney (my birthday, remember), our daughter was in a "mood" Those of you with 5 year old girls know what I mean. She was grumpy, moody, whiney. So I stayed with her while my husband and his family rode the rides, etc. I dealt with her meltdowns, temper tantrums, whining while he went off to have fun with is family. I get that. Its HIS family afterall. I love them dearly, but its HIS blood. No problem. But the thing that hurts the most was the fact that my husband didn't do anything for me for my birthday. Not as much as a card. This is the second year in a row I got nothing from him. Last year I turned 40 and he "planned" a surprise party for me. Come to find out he actually asked my best friend to plan it for him. He did get the cake though. But even last year, I got nothing. The party was my gift he said. The party that my best friend planned and organized. This year he said the trip was my present. The trip that my mother in law planned and paid for. So...would you be hurt?

    I would be!!!
  • GnaBean
    GnaBean Posts: 112 Member
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    Men are clueless. Spell it out for him calmly, if possible. Don't let him minimize your feelings.
  • jwshmoe75
    jwshmoe75 Posts: 119
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    Uh, maybe next year for vacation it needs to be just the "3" of you. There is no excuse for him to treat you like that. Sorry, but he's an *kitten*!!!
  • kdilly
    kdilly Posts: 12
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    Yes, I'd be hurt and mad. My husband is not great at organizing/planning events in general, so if I want a party or something I have to enlist others to help plan it or do it myself. That being said, he always buys me great gifts, makes a big deal of my birthday/holidays, etc. but just isn't an event planner. Plus, if we went that long without having a conversation (without a legit reason like one of us was without a means to communicate -- military deployment, for example) I'd be devastated and pissed off!
  • weighlossforbaby
    weighlossforbaby Posts: 847 Member
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    Yes, I would be because he should've handle your daughter so you can have fun and not ditch you with a crabby child. I guess some men don't think about other people's feelings.
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
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    So, he knows he sucks as a husband. You know he's probably not going to change. You're not going to leave him over it. So, stop expecting anything for your birthday or anniversary. You're setting yourself up for disappointment if you keep thinking he will get you something or do something special. Treat yourself to a spa day or a new outfit that will make you feel good.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
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    Yeah, I would be -- but my husband is really thoughtful and does small things for me a lot -- so pulling something like that would be totally out of character.

    How is your husband usually? If he's generally thoughtless when it comes to you and your feelings -- I think I'd be beyond mad and be ready to leave. Nobody should stay with somebody who doesn't make an effort. If he just sucks at birthdays but is really a good guy - I'd be upset but just try to take the good with the bad. I'd definitely explain to him that how he acts makes you feel bad. If he acts like you shouldn't be upset after you break it down for him - I'd definitely be on high alert for other douche-y behavior.
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
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    i'd forget his birthday and x-mas presents and then, next time i wanted a vacation, i'd go on my own and leave him home with the kids.

    cuts both ways.
  • marieautumn
    marieautumn Posts: 932 Member
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    sounds kinda thoughtless if you ask me. i'd be concerned if in past years he wasnt like this, any now he is. what changed?
  • bhayes82
    bhayes82 Posts: 37
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    #FWP

    This.

    I'm convinced I'm never going to get married. According to these MFP forums, marriage and/or long-term relationships lead to petty situations where couples can't even have a simple, honest conversation with each other. Having a bad day because [significant other] [did something/didn't do something/said something/didn't say something]? TALK TO THEM FFS. THEY MADE A COMMITMENT TO YOU.

    EHRMAGERD RELATIONSHERPS
  • sammniamii
    sammniamii Posts: 669 Member
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    I would be hurt and angry (since this isn't the first time he has been like this). I feel your pain & hurt.

    My hubby has done the same thing to me the last 3 years - no xmas, no birthday, no annviy - although I do go get him something. Then I of course get the "Why did you do that, I told you I wanted nothing. Now I have to go get you something." Really?

    There are times I really ask myself - Why did I marry this selfish bast@rd?

    *huggles* Hope you figure out something and make him see how horrible of a hubby he is being.
  • SuPeRuNkNoWn1
    SuPeRuNkNoWn1 Posts: 12
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    Yes, you should be hurt and insulted. You have told him your feelings but he has not heard them well enough. That is where the communications failed. Not on your end, but on his end. Communication is a two way street and you were not 'heard'.
    Guys don't get it sometimes unless things are spelled out. Good luck getting 'reception' with him.
  • aqm22
    aqm22 Posts: 153 Member
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    Yes, Tina is our daughter. He didn't really respond. He mumbled something and went back into the ocean. You have to understand his family was all around me so I didn't want to cause a scene. 10 days with my inlaws (whom I love dearly) but I felt like I had to walk on egg shells about what I said/did. Sitting here today I realized how hurt I actually was. I spoke with him at lunch and tried to explain to him (AGAIN) how hurt I was (not even mad, but HURT), and he said he loves me, he sucks as a husband, he will try harder, blah blah blah. He says the same things over and over again because he does this same stuff every year (holidays, anniversarys, birthdays). I don't think this is enough to divorce him because I love him dearly but it is causing a serious issue with my self esteem, etc.

    If this was my husband, honestly, I'd walk out. My "breather", I would say. If he wouldn't listen to you and if you have said this to him year after year, I would just tell him to his face if he doesn't listen to me I would leave. It takes two to make a marriage. Both party has to put in effort. If you're worth enough effort on his part, why should you stay? Why should you be the only one making effort? Both party should be happy.

    My husband used to be like this. He would just say that he's bad at being a husband and taking care of people. I call BS and walked off and stayed at my dad's. I would not go back to him until he completely listens and understand where I'm coming from instead of just mouthing off that I'm too demanding or that he just doesn't know what to do.

    But, this is just me.

    My point is that he's taking it too lightly. He thinks that you're just gonna forget it later. He thinks that he can just make it go away if he ignore it. He doesn't want to put in the effort.

    Make him see that you're serious. Make him see that you're unhappy. You don't have to be so extreme like me, but make him understand. Talk with him. Demand results. You deserve to be happy.

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