Would you be hurt?

2

Replies

  • kdilly
    kdilly Posts: 12
    Yes, I'd be hurt and mad. My husband is not great at organizing/planning events in general, so if I want a party or something I have to enlist others to help plan it or do it myself. That being said, he always buys me great gifts, makes a big deal of my birthday/holidays, etc. but just isn't an event planner. Plus, if we went that long without having a conversation (without a legit reason like one of us was without a means to communicate -- military deployment, for example) I'd be devastated and pissed off!
  • weighlossforbaby
    weighlossforbaby Posts: 847 Member
    Yes, I would be because he should've handle your daughter so you can have fun and not ditch you with a crabby child. I guess some men don't think about other people's feelings.
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
    So, he knows he sucks as a husband. You know he's probably not going to change. You're not going to leave him over it. So, stop expecting anything for your birthday or anniversary. You're setting yourself up for disappointment if you keep thinking he will get you something or do something special. Treat yourself to a spa day or a new outfit that will make you feel good.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    Yeah, I would be -- but my husband is really thoughtful and does small things for me a lot -- so pulling something like that would be totally out of character.

    How is your husband usually? If he's generally thoughtless when it comes to you and your feelings -- I think I'd be beyond mad and be ready to leave. Nobody should stay with somebody who doesn't make an effort. If he just sucks at birthdays but is really a good guy - I'd be upset but just try to take the good with the bad. I'd definitely explain to him that how he acts makes you feel bad. If he acts like you shouldn't be upset after you break it down for him - I'd definitely be on high alert for other douche-y behavior.
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
    i'd forget his birthday and x-mas presents and then, next time i wanted a vacation, i'd go on my own and leave him home with the kids.

    cuts both ways.
  • marieautumn
    marieautumn Posts: 928 Member
    sounds kinda thoughtless if you ask me. i'd be concerned if in past years he wasnt like this, any now he is. what changed?
  • bhayes82
    bhayes82 Posts: 37
    #FWP

    This.

    I'm convinced I'm never going to get married. According to these MFP forums, marriage and/or long-term relationships lead to petty situations where couples can't even have a simple, honest conversation with each other. Having a bad day because [significant other] [did something/didn't do something/said something/didn't say something]? TALK TO THEM FFS. THEY MADE A COMMITMENT TO YOU.

    EHRMAGERD RELATIONSHERPS
  • sammniamii
    sammniamii Posts: 669 Member
    I would be hurt and angry (since this isn't the first time he has been like this). I feel your pain & hurt.

    My hubby has done the same thing to me the last 3 years - no xmas, no birthday, no annviy - although I do go get him something. Then I of course get the "Why did you do that, I told you I wanted nothing. Now I have to go get you something." Really?

    There are times I really ask myself - Why did I marry this selfish bast@rd?

    *huggles* Hope you figure out something and make him see how horrible of a hubby he is being.
  • SuPeRuNkNoWn1
    SuPeRuNkNoWn1 Posts: 12
    Yes, you should be hurt and insulted. You have told him your feelings but he has not heard them well enough. That is where the communications failed. Not on your end, but on his end. Communication is a two way street and you were not 'heard'.
    Guys don't get it sometimes unless things are spelled out. Good luck getting 'reception' with him.
  • aqm22
    aqm22 Posts: 153 Member
    Yes, Tina is our daughter. He didn't really respond. He mumbled something and went back into the ocean. You have to understand his family was all around me so I didn't want to cause a scene. 10 days with my inlaws (whom I love dearly) but I felt like I had to walk on egg shells about what I said/did. Sitting here today I realized how hurt I actually was. I spoke with him at lunch and tried to explain to him (AGAIN) how hurt I was (not even mad, but HURT), and he said he loves me, he sucks as a husband, he will try harder, blah blah blah. He says the same things over and over again because he does this same stuff every year (holidays, anniversarys, birthdays). I don't think this is enough to divorce him because I love him dearly but it is causing a serious issue with my self esteem, etc.

    If this was my husband, honestly, I'd walk out. My "breather", I would say. If he wouldn't listen to you and if you have said this to him year after year, I would just tell him to his face if he doesn't listen to me I would leave. It takes two to make a marriage. Both party has to put in effort. If you're worth enough effort on his part, why should you stay? Why should you be the only one making effort? Both party should be happy.

    My husband used to be like this. He would just say that he's bad at being a husband and taking care of people. I call BS and walked off and stayed at my dad's. I would not go back to him until he completely listens and understand where I'm coming from instead of just mouthing off that I'm too demanding or that he just doesn't know what to do.

    But, this is just me.

    My point is that he's taking it too lightly. He thinks that you're just gonna forget it later. He thinks that he can just make it go away if he ignore it. He doesn't want to put in the effort.

    Make him see that you're serious. Make him see that you're unhappy. You don't have to be so extreme like me, but make him understand. Talk with him. Demand results. You deserve to be happy.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    i'd forget his birthday and x-mas presents and then, next time i wanted a vacation, i'd go on my own and leave him home with the kids.

    cuts both ways.

    I kind of agree with this. I wouldn't be nasty or mean, but I definitely wouldn't make too big of an effort. Also, I would probably would stop any little things you might do to make him feel appreciated. I hate to say that -- but sometimes the only way to make people have empathy when they are THAT oblivious to upset them and shake them out of their little world. And after that kind of vacation, I would pretty much be booking a weekend get away for myself at a spa or fancy hotel.
  • LilMissSunshine_
    LilMissSunshine_ Posts: 520
    Yea, I would be a little crabby about it. Return the favor. Oh his bday, christmas, anniversary etc. See what he says about it then.
  • XXXMinnieXXX
    XXXMinnieXXX Posts: 3,459 Member
    This was the final thing that made me leave my ex. (Probably the smallest of all the things he did) he didn't even say happy birthday, nothing. The relationship was in a terrible state anyway, and even though I was ready for leaving and I did, it still hurt. Thats totally unfair to not share the responsibility of your daughter tool. Think your being taken for granted.

    With my current partner when he's getting a bit complacent I slack off on the cleaning/cooking etc for a .week or so, so he gets the picture and sees how much I am doing. Same with kids get them to help with a big.clean and they start appreciating what you do fans cooperate a.little.more. I'd find a way for him to see he's taking you for granted as just telling them often doesn't work. Maybe you need to go away with the girls for a weekend whilst he stays at home looking after your daughter? Something like that...
  • XXXMinnieXXX
    XXXMinnieXXX Posts: 3,459 Member
    I would be hurt and angry (since this isn't the first time he has been like this). I feel your pain & hurt.

    My hubby has done the same thing to me the last 3 years - no xmas, no birthday, no annviy - although I do go get him something. Then I of course get the "Why did you do that, I told you I wanted nothing. Now I have to go get you something." Really?

    There are times I really ask myself - Why did I marry this selfish bast@rd?

    *huggles* Hope you figure out something and make him see how horrible of a hubby he is being.

    That's so sad. I couldn't be with someone like that again. Been there it was awful! X
  • mtaylor33557
    mtaylor33557 Posts: 542 Member
    I think I would have cheerfully said "My turn" when talking about the next ride to ride... or I would have asked him to stay with the child while I rode some rides. If you didn't ask, he may not have known you were upset... Just tell him that you get a "redo" day since you had trouble enjoying your birthday. Ask him to take you on a date!
  • Sharonks
    Sharonks Posts: 884 Member
    I think you should go for some counseling. If he won't go then go yourself. You two have a serious communication problem. Counseling may help you learn to communicate better, it may help you accept that he is what he is, or it may help him change to make you happier. Even if he won't go you could learn to speak up for yourself, have better self esteem despite what he does, and learn that you are in control of what you do/react to and can do nothing about what he does. That acceptance brings loads of peace.
  • fishbarn
    fishbarn Posts: 90 Member
    Yep I would be upset with my hubby if he did that.
  • apedeb09
    apedeb09 Posts: 805 Member
    I would be furious and very hurt! Funny thing is I can actually see my husband doing something like that if he were with his brother.. He tends to ignore me completely when his brother is around. We went to a water park together once with his brother and he ignored me the whole time, left me with our daughter while his brother and him went on waters slides, etc.. But on your birthday no less?? He would never hear the end of it from me!
  • sweetsarahj
    sweetsarahj Posts: 701 Member
    I'd be pissed about that. He sounds selfish. Bottom line is that you can't control his behaviour, only your reaction to it. My reaction would have been pretty harsh btw. That behaviour would get a boyfriend fired and a husband put on probation.
  • mapple322
    mapple322 Posts: 7
    I hope you have a good memory. When his birthday rolls around, fix dinner for you and your family. When he asks "Why didn't you get me anything for my birthday?", explain very nicely "You get to be married to me...and I fixed you dinner...that should be enough!".
  • MoveTheMountain
    MoveTheMountain Posts: 764
    ... But the thing that hurts the most was the fact that my husband didn't do anything for me for my birthday. Not as much as a card. This is the second year in a row I got nothing from him. Last year I turned 40 and he "planned" a surprise party for me. Come to find out he actually asked my best friend to plan it for him. He did get the cake though. But even last year, I got nothing. The party was my gift he said. The party that my best friend planned and organized. This year he said the trip was my present. The trip that my mother in law planned and paid for. So...would you be hurt?

    Yes, this is seriously lame. You should be pissed that he's taking you for granted. Let him know, and don't take that *kitten*.

    And a party is definitely not a present... a party is merely the context in which you receive your presents.
  • Carrot1971
    Carrot1971 Posts: 272 Member
    I hope you have a good memory. When his birthday rolls around, fix dinner for you and your family. When he asks "Why didn't you get me anything for my birthday?", explain very nicely "You get to be married to me...and I fixed you dinner...that should be enough!".

    This is what I plan on doing....
  • Mummyadams
    Mummyadams Posts: 1,125 Member
    Yeah I'd be pissed and let him know too. Tell him to buck up his ideas!
  • caraiselite
    caraiselite Posts: 2,631 Member
    i would be livid and tell him to gtfo
  • LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo
    LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo Posts: 3,634 Member
    ... But the thing that hurts the most was the fact that my husband didn't do anything for me for my birthday. Not as much as a card. This is the second year in a row I got nothing from him. Last year I turned 40 and he "planned" a surprise party for me. Come to find out he actually asked my best friend to plan it for him. He did get the cake though. But even last year, I got nothing. The party was my gift he said. The party that my best friend planned and organized. This year he said the trip was my present. The trip that my mother in law planned and paid for. So...would you be hurt?


    Yes, this is seriously lame. You should be pissed that he's taking you for granted. Let him know, and don't take that *kitten*.

    And a party is definitely not a present... a party is merely the context in which you receive your presents.
    ^^ This... You have every reason to get pissed off & not only for taking you for granted but the fact that he's trying to fool you by all his lies. Another thing is that while I understand that he may have a very close relationship with his biological family but the fact that he wasn't doing his fatherly duties to your daughter is also a very lame thing.
  • LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo
    LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo Posts: 3,634 Member
    I hope you have a good memory. When his birthday rolls around, fix dinner for you and your family. When he asks "Why didn't you get me anything for my birthday?", explain very nicely "You get to be married to me...and I fixed you dinner...that should be enough!".
    LMAO I like that idea
  • MooMooooo
    MooMooooo Posts: 306 Member
    I'm with the others - I'd be MAD too!

    In fact, I'm mad just reading about it.

    I would get revenge, for sure - but I wouldn't wait until his birthday.

    I'd figure out what his currency is and withhold it - whether it's driving chores, household chores, special favours - whatever - they'd be completely GONE until he apologised and made up for it properly.

    I'd never let it die.

    Chin up and ((hugs))
  • hesn92
    hesn92 Posts: 5,966 Member
    yes
  • foxyforce
    foxyforce Posts: 3,078 Member
    men can be selfish idiots, i say this because right now my fiance and i are in a fight. fml.
  • momof4ts
    momof4ts Posts: 118
    Wow, bless your heart. I know what you're going through, because I was THAT GUY two years ago. My wife had to ask for a divorce before I woke up. Ask your husband to read "Every Man's Marriage". That book (and a lot of prayer!) saved my marriage.
    Thanks for sharing your testimony! I am married to one of those men..... well for years he was, you have to communicate with him! It can get better! God knows your heart and your hurt. And cares for you and about you more than you can imagine! Blessings to you!:flowerforyou:
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