What to do for my wife?

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JGunccRugby
JGunccRugby Posts: 26
in Motivation and Support
When I started this journey I did it for me but with eating habit changes comes a change for the whole house. I had to stay after my wife about not buying snacks, sweets, and junk food. I freely admit that when junk food is in the house I have no will power. I have been successful but my wife hasn't. I understand the reasons why, she doesn't seem to get it and is slowly turning against me.

Tonight she started saying she didn't want me too thin and that I am becoming obsessed with exercise and fitness. Mind you I still smoke and have a few beers on the weekend. I feel terrible because she isn't successful but as I see it she has no one but herself to blame and she isn't completely committed though she says she wants to lose.

So what do I do? I try to be encouraging and endorse her in her efforts. I also made multiple offers for her to visit the weight clinic with me. Ultimately, my biggest fear is that she will derail me.

Anyone else experience anything like this?
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Replies

  • caraiselite
    caraiselite Posts: 2,631 Member
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    she probably thinks you will get sexy and leave her.
  • kiminikimkim
    kiminikimkim Posts: 746 Member
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    She is sabotaging herself and therefore you as well.

    It's time for some couples therapy because it won't get any better as you lose more weight, she will resent your success.
  • JGunccRugby
    JGunccRugby Posts: 26
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    she probably thinks you will get sexy and leave her.

    I told her when we got married how hard it was looking as good as I do every day. I was being obnoxious of course.
    And the rest of the comments are accurate, I have a good job and I am an elected official in our city; but I couldn't be more dedicated to her.
  • Ilovejacks
    Ilovejacks Posts: 153 Member
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    :happy: After my husband quit smoking 6 years ago,it took me a year later to get on the ban wagon.Give her more time & be patient.Some of us have alot more will power than others,She's fighting it just like we all fight bad habits:)I imagine she doesn't feel to good about herself wtching you succeed and getting healthy.Try to make it fun but, mostly just give her time.
  • maroonmango211
    maroonmango211 Posts: 908 Member
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    I had my SO give me the 'you're obsessed with what you eat and how much you exercise' rant yesterday. Its not easy having to comprimise household items and family activities because one is trying to get healthy and the other sees that as a negative. A lot of spouses get severely jealous of their partners successes in weight loss, not even considering they are stopping themselves from having success stories as well. Like previously stated a lot of people also get very insecure when they cant find the motivation to better themselves, they worry you're gonna get all hot and studly and run off with a 21 yr old play boy bunni (ok maybe a hyperbole but sometimes that can be how that green monster feels). Hang in there, and try to make it an effort about health and not just looks and weight, usually that takes the edge off the food issues I've found.
  • Rukadare
    Rukadare Posts: 101 Member
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    I'm really sorry to hear that she is turning against you, but I can totally understand it. She's jealous of you and your success, and probably upset at herself for not being able to lose the weight too or eat as healthy as you do. I feel this way sometimes with my SO, but on a much less extreme scale. When he workouts out and commits to eating healthy and losing weight, he's able to do it and the weight just falls off! So I get a little flicker or jealousy occasionally, but I've turned that into fueling my desire to be better and achieve my goals instead! He's an inspiration to me, and his success is my success!

    So really, I think the only thing you can do is love her, and when she DOES do something healthy or workouts with you or something, be really encouraging and tell her how good she looks if she loses a bit of weight. Lead by example and kindness, but don't push it. Just let her know that you're there for her, and I think she'll eventually come around.
  • QueenGorgo
    QueenGorgo Posts: 75 Member
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    It's not unusual for the person that is losing weight to become a stranger in some ways to the partner that isn't as successfull. Women in general don't lose weight at the rate men do, and if she's still bringing snacks into the house it's probably because she is scared you'll lose weight, gain confidence and leave her behind..you're probably doing new things she doesn't want to do or can't do or maybe is afraid to try..you're making changes in yourself and that will of course change the relationship. If she's having trouble changing too, or feels threatened by it, she will of course rebel..

    I guess if you're looking for advice it's simple..you can't do anything for her that she isn't willing to do for herself..don't offer to take her with you to the diet center because she'll see that as you trying to change her i.e. she's not good enough for you..All you can do is try to be considerate of her feelings, tell her you love her and support her decisions and try to spend more time with her..but you have to do what's right for you..so keep up the food plan and being more active..hopefully she'll see you aren't going anywhere and she'll be able to see past her fear and be more supportive...

    Feel free to FR me if you want some onine support!!
  • Fasbold
    Fasbold Posts: 29
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    She is sabotaging herself and therefore you as well.

    It's time for some couples therapy because it won't get any better as you lose more weight, she will resent your success.

    ^ This
  • Maurice1966
    Maurice1966 Posts: 438 Member
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    I'm in a similar boat but did not have as much weight to lose as the OP however, I also think you need to take responsibility for your own will power. It's called life. You're always going to be tempted but you need to show some conviction because that's life. If you can lose 40lbs plus what is remaining, it should show you that anything is achievable when you set your mind to it.

    you can't bring her along unless she wants to come so you need to do it for yourself and despite the temptations in the cupboard.

    Good luck
  • hngland
    hngland Posts: 8 Member
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    Yes, I think everyone who has done this and is part of a couple has experienced this to one degree or another. My husband and I are doing the weight loss thing together, and sometimes I think my husband gets very frustrated with the process of losing weight and wants to cheat, and would feel less guilty if I would do it with him. We share a love of food and used to go out to eat at least 6 times a week. All of our "dates" revolved around food. This has been a Huge paradigm shift in our relationship and we are still navigating the newness of it all.
  • xsmilexforxmex
    xsmilexforxmex Posts: 1,216 Member
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    she probably thinks you will get sexy and leave her.

    My husband actually said he doesn't want me to lose weight because of this.. but when he saw that I was going to anyway, he started working on his own and dropped 30lbs before I dropped 10. We can't workout together at all because I can't stand knowing it is so 'easy' for him and I get super frustrated.. but he doesnt try to sabotage me because he know's it's what I want. Good luck with your wife.. the best thing to do is support her with whatever she chooses.. and if you can't help but eat the snacks then eat in moderation and ask her to bring home so healthy stuff so at the very least you have the option.
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
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    ok, first, stop using the word journey.

    second, back the f**k off her, because its just going to cause nothing but problems to push her.

    She might come around, and she might not, you have zero control over that. Just concentrate on what you can control.
    Do you want a happy marriage or want to push your wife, till she wants to stab you.
  • rugbyphreak
    rugbyphreak Posts: 509 Member
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    first, you need to tell her how you feel. if you think she's out to get you, tell her!

    also tell her why you want to get fit. is it because you want to spend the rest of your life with her as a healthy, able bodied person? is it because you want to see your kids grow up and have children? (if you have kids of course). tell her all the positive things you want from your future together. she probably feels really threatened. you're getting fit, probably sexy looking too, and she's stuck just where she was when you started. she may think you're going to get fit and leave her. assure her that this is not the case. tell her that you're getting healthy for her and your future together. maybe this nice, supportive approach will work better than a stern word.

    just and fyi, my bf is still unsupportive. he still wants to go out for fast food so i get a salad or a small fry and water. he still buys junk food, but i have to use my will power to just leave them alone. he won't work out with me, so i get my workouts in while he's at work or sleeping. i will not put my life on hold because he doesn't support my journey. he loves the results, but hates that i spend so much time exercising and planning meals.
  • Ilovejacks
    Ilovejacks Posts: 153 Member
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    Are you taking diet pills?and if you are,is she too?Just curious:)
  • rugbyphreak
    rugbyphreak Posts: 509 Member
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    also, i see that your "name" contains the word "rugby". do you play? did you play? i know it's off topic, but i play and am always interested in networking with other ruggers.
  • NJGmywholewrld
    NJGmywholewrld Posts: 123 Member
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    I am going through the same thing. Coming from someone who feels as though I am fighting a losing battle....please just be patient with her. Everyone has to hit rock bottom on their own before they make any changes. My situation has seemd to take a steep decline...my husband now thinks that my, "new healthier lifestyle" is somewhat ridiculous, it "bores" him. Again, she will come around in her own time. We cannot force anyone to change. Just keep doing what you are doing!!
  • Queen_Christine
    Queen_Christine Posts: 342 Member
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    Is she on MFP?
    I cannot give you advice on how to deal with your situation because my experience was the opposite. My hubby and I lost weight together (58 lbs for me, 103 lbs for him). I have to say MFP is the best tool I have ever used and I always tell the newcomers to read the success stories - they are so motivating.
    And this weight loss journey has been very uplifting for our marriage!
    If she can't find her motivation in your actions maybe she could find her own support system on MFP - then once the ball is rolling and she starts losing she may stop working against you.
    I have to admit, I had given up and was resigned to being fat for the rest of my life. My hubby started dieting and exercising about 3 months before me (Fall 2010), and he kept pushing me, but I didn't want to do it again, I had been up and down on the scale too many times and was tired of it! But after 3 months I reluctantly, faithlessly, started another diet and exercise regime, believing I would fail. About 6 weeks later we found MFP and it has been all success from that time on. I have over 500 days on MFP and I have no plans to ever leave! I may not be losing like I once did, but I'm not gaining, and I look like a normal person again!

    Good luck to both of you!
  • shaynes14
    shaynes14 Posts: 106 Member
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    I am in a similar situation except my husband has remained supportive of me. We started together and he was the first to lose 20 pounds. He has to travel, and when he went on a trip, his dedication fell off. Then he got sick, and he gave up. I have decided to leave him alone. I know he wants to use weight, but he enjoys the comfort he gets from food now more than the promise of feeling good later. I wish he would for the sake of the family, but really it has to be his decision and his desire. To bring it up is to nag. Every once in a while he says something about a good choice he has made and I praise him on that. Our youngest is about to leave for college in the fall, and I am thinking that perhaps we can see that as a new fresh start for changes. Just be patient with her. She is probably really mad at herself though she may not admit it. Let her know you are devoted to her.
  • Restybaby2012
    Restybaby2012 Posts: 568 Member
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    My ex husband was always one to undermine my weight loss. He was never ever overweight during the entire time
    we were married (25yrs) but everytime I would get on a solid weight loss program and really start losing, he'd bring
    home 1 and 2lb bags of M&Ms or favorite candies/ice cream. It was also then that he would want these horrendously
    fattening foods for supper.

    Now..11 years and a divorce later... My fiance' is doing everything he can to aid me in losing weight. I quit smoking
    about 9 months ago and he didnt. He tries his level best not to smoke around or near me (this started medically) and
    doesnt ask me to buy them or even lets me see them. He is doing everything he can to make me healthy foods and
    makes sure there are healthy snacks available.

    BIG change between the two. My ex always seemed to feel threatened by any weight loss with me and it was so
    hard for ME to battle him AND food.

    I wish you and her much success.
  • me2metoo
    me2metoo Posts: 2
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    I have no answer. This is a struggle that I have had (weight) since I was about 14. Just thoughts, do you suppose your wife is afraid that other people will find you more attractive than you used to be ( when you weighed more). I am just going on at the mouth so you might want to just press the delete button now. Does losing wieight come more easily to you than her? For me walking does nothing... seriously, I walked miles and miles for three weeks in China and didn't drop an ounce and just eating what the tour coordinator ordered for meals so no snacking etc. So I have to lift weights. My sisters are in this with me but losing weight for them just means cutting back and walking. Maybe your losing weight makes her feel threatened in some weird way about your relationship. Please know that you need to do this for you ( the weight thing). I know how it is if there is junk around so since it is just me.... I just don't bring it into the house. Ha, I am into chocolate covered coffee beans when I think I need a treat. three or four of these and I am set. Good luck to you.....me2metoo

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