What to do for my wife?

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Replies

  • boodly
    boodly Posts: 3 Member
    Remember all the time you spent wishing you were thin before this started to work for you? Then one day it clicked, maybe because you found MFP, I don't know. But what clicks for you, and when it clicks, cannot and will not be the same for her. You should be on this journey together but you are two different people. No one could have made you ready before you were, so please try to be patient. She is making adjustments too. Hang in there.
  • 3foldchord
    3foldchord Posts: 2,918 Member
    I am trying to come at this from the viewpoint of a wife- since I have been one for 20 years-- and I think the answer below is pretty right on....
    I also think you need to take responsibility for your own will power. It's called life. You're always going to be tempted but you need to show some conviction because that's life. If you can lose 40lbs plus what is remaining, it should show you that anything is achievable when you set your mind to it.

    you can't bring her along unless she wants to come so you need to do it for yourself and despite the temptations in the cupboard.

    Good luck

    I really don't think you should be teling her to not buy snacks. It is not her job to be your will-power. I know/understand you want her hep/support and you want her to have this same succes you are having. But that needs to be her choice. She is more ikely to chose it if you back off a bit.

    *and Billsica was kinda 'right-on' but a little more harsh than I'd state it..LOL
  • findfan4ever
    findfan4ever Posts: 153 Member
    Tonight she started saying she didn't want me too thin and that I am becoming obsessed with exercise and fitness. Mind you I still smoke and have a few beers on the weekend. I feel terrible because she isn't successful but as I see it she has no one but herself to blame and she isn't completely committed though she says she wants to lose.

    My friend, there has been a lot of good advise here and some real brutal honest advise. I sense there is something much deeper going on here. Something that isn't you, but something in her past I'm guessing. You can express to her how you feel by using "I statements," such as, "When you [.....], I feel [.....]" Statements like this are not accusatory and may open up lines of communications regarding the issue. Her behaviors and comments are only the symptoms of something deeper in my opinion. One person mentioned counseling ..... that is probably a good idea, if she is open to it.

    Her pain is deep rooted and has been there a long while. She has done a good job hiding it and now your desire to become healthier, eat better, and look better has triggered a reaction of fear; something has awaken in her.

    I hope, my friend, you can gently get her to open up and/or go to counseling with you. I will be praying for you and her.
  • coraliethomas
    coraliethomas Posts: 336 Member
    It took me 8 years to realise just how overweight I was... my hubby would go to the mall with me and we would leave with me in tears "because theyre are making clothes waaaaay too small these days".... Instead of being a meanie about it and saying "well, its not the clothes, ur just fat" he would hug me, and rant against the 5 year old asian kids that are making the clothes to small, and then he would say something like "if you are uncomfortable though, only you can decide to do something about it... I love you and will always love you, but seeing you upset makes me sad, and I want you to be happy".

    I am truly lucky, he has supported me everystep of the way, has congratulated me on every ounce that I have lost. My point is, I had to decide that it wasn't JC Penneys making small clothes, it was me making my butt big. And Im sure everytime I left the store crying he would think to himself "here we go again, crying because she is fat", but he NEVER let on that he might be thinking that... Give her some time, and she might come around.
  • nikkiprickett
    nikkiprickett Posts: 412 Member
    Yeah totally understand where you're coming from, I was in great shape when I met my husband then we got married and that's when I noticed I had gained the weight, I tried SOOO many times to eat healthy and he just wasn't along for the ride...eventually I said this is ridiculous, I'm not going to end up not being able to move when I'm older, unhealthy and setting bad examples for our future children...he began with me...she needs to understand that you're doing this for your health and denying you of your health because of her insecurities or lack of drive for this is unacceptable. you need to talk to her about this and think about getting help with this topic with both of you there.
  • Pebble321
    Pebble321 Posts: 6,423 Member
    I suspect that she is feeling bad because you have lost weight and she hasn't.

    You may be saying something that seems supportive in your head like
    - "I found the weight loss clinic really helped me, why don't you come along and they can help you too?"
    but I'd take a guess that what she is hearing sounds something like this:
    - "oh my god, you are a fat, unattractive failure and I'm so great because I've lost weight. Why don't you get off your big behind and stop eating candy and I'll show you how you can be as good as me".

    Of course, I could be wrong, but that is my guess as to what is going on. It's not necessarily rational, but that's how our minds can work.

    I suggest that you don't talk discuss it. Don't talk to her about what she buys or eats, don't make it all about you.
    If she wants snacks in the house, it's her right and you have to learn to deal with it, that's part of changing long term habits.
    Lead by example by eating well and exercising, invite her to join you doing something fun, but don't make a big deal of it, don't make it all about having to lose weight.

    Good luck!
  • Rayman79
    Rayman79 Posts: 2,009 Member
    This situation sounds very similar to my own.

    In my case, my wife is insecure about her weight, and keeps making comments about it - almost apologising at times for not getting slimmer with me. Questions like 'are you going to leave me when you're all buff' were not uncommon either.

    In the beginning I am sure there were subtle attempts to derail my progress - buying snacks she knew were my weakness, making plans that cut into my allocated gym time etc. I know none of this was done with malice though, and she may not have even been consciously doing it. It has since stopped, now that it is very clear it will not impede my progress.

    The unfortunate thing is that human beings are complex emotional creatures (women especially :wink: ), and we often don't understand why we behave the way we do. We have different emotional drivers, different backgrounds and upbringings etc. We have to respect each person for who they are, and be sure that there is always more support and than judgement.

    In my case, I understand that she will take longer to make the changes, and I will do my best to support her in the mean time. If she never makes the changes needed, we then I'll (reluctantly) support that too. Why? Because she's my wife, the mother of my children, and I love and support her unconditionally.
  • 3foldchord
    3foldchord Posts: 2,918 Member
    THIS --->>>>

    this is what I would be hearing in my head if my husband was even omplyimg I join his fitness 'craze'
    I suspect that she is feeling bad because you have lost weight and she hasn't.

    You may be saying something that seems supportive in your head like
    - "I found the weight loss clinic really helped me, why don't you come along and they can help you too?"
    but I'd take a guess that what she is hearing sounds something like this:
    - "oh my god, you are a fat, unattractive failure and I'm so great because I've lost weight. Why don't you get off your big behind and stop eating candy and I'll show you how you can be as good as me".


    I suggest that you don't talk discuss it. Don't talk to her about what she buys or eats, don't make it all about you.
    If she wants snacks in the house, it's her right and you have to learn to deal with it, that's part of changing long term habits.
    Lead by example by eating well and exercising, invite her to join you doing something fun, but don't make a big deal of it, don't make it all about having to lose weight.

    Good luck!

    I don't discuss anything with my husband, I sees me eat/exercise- but I keep it to me, as I know he's not ready (He still lames his 'skinny-fat' bey on gravity pulling all his organs down to the lower belly...LOL)

    I do invite him on walks- and it is a 'together time' thing- not a 'workout' (but I still log it!!)
  • 3foldchord
    3foldchord Posts: 2,918 Member
    In the beginning there were subtle attempts to derail my progress - buying snacks she knew were my weakness, making plans that cut into my allocated gym time etc. I know none of this was done with malice though, and stopped after she saw it was not going to impede my progress.

    As a wife/woman- I see this as "My husband is suddenly giving his time to other stuff- he's out of the house more, not enjoy a snack together with me".. I would view that behavior as trying to get time back. (ladies are often 'spend time with me' creature)
  • Rayman79
    Rayman79 Posts: 2,009 Member
    In the beginning there were subtle attempts to derail my progress - buying snacks she knew were my weakness, making plans that cut into my allocated gym time etc. I know none of this was done with malice though, and stopped after she saw it was not going to impede my progress.

    As a wife/woman- I see this as "My husband is suddenly giving his time to other stuff- he's out of the house more, not enjoy a snack together with me".. I would view that behavior as trying to get time back. (ladies are often 'spend time with me' creature)

    I agree, and as hard as it is to understand the female brain I get the insecurities that exist (and given some past issues that add to this context for her). This is why I make the time to do strange things like sitting with her to watch a stupid show on TV instead of doing something more useful - just so we can have a little 'we' time. :bigsmile: .

    It is all about give and take, and realising that me needing to take regular time to go to the gym etc is a 'take' purely for me - so something has to be given back to balance the universe.
  • TheMaidOfAstolat
    TheMaidOfAstolat Posts: 3,222 Member
    Do you want a happy marriage or want to push your wife, till she wants to stab you.

    Okay, this just made me laugh. However, it is the truth. Men and women gain and lose in different ways. She is scared for whatever reason and while I am sure she does not want to be Molly coddled she sure doesn't want to have you leave her in the dust as it were. Give her time and always praise her accomplishments. Women also analyze everything that comes out of their partners mouths. What you may say in a light hearted manner may be seen in her mind as an insult. If you do see it as sabotage....ditch the junk youself and do the shopping. You can't blame her for your own weaknesses. Just be patient.
  • JGunccRugby
    JGunccRugby Posts: 26
    Short on time but thanks for all of the support. You guys are great.
  • JGunccRugby
    JGunccRugby Posts: 26
    Also, just uploaded a couple of pre-weightloss pictures at various weights. I don't change much between 270-290.
    The one that is my primary is with my neice.
  • TrimAnew
    TrimAnew Posts: 127 Member
    Who does most of the grocery shopping and cooking? If it's her then you might have better luck if you start going with her or offer to do the shopping and cooking on some of the days. That way you can control what comes in the house and if she wants to get something else, she'll have to make a separate trip for the junk. That way, it's not her habit that has to change as much (it's hard to pass up the sweets on sale all over the store after all).
  • belgerian
    belgerian Posts: 1,059 Member
    she probably thinks you will get sexy and leave her.

    My husband actually said he doesn't want me to lose weight because of this.. but when he saw that I was going to anyway, he started working on his own and dropped 30lbs before I dropped 10. We can't workout together at all because I can't stand knowing it is so 'easy' for him and I get super frustrated.. but he doesnt try to sabotage me because he know's it's what I want. Good luck with your wife.. the best thing to do is support her with whatever she chooses.. and if you can't help but eat the snacks then eat in moderation and ask her to bring home so healthy stuff so at the very least you have the option.

    Similar experiance with my wife and I only she lost about 30 and I lost about 80. Still makes her mad. Funny kinda of mad.
  • JGunccRugby
    JGunccRugby Posts: 26
    Just an update: I sent her an apologetic and encouraging email the other night so it would be the first thing she read in the morning. She was already in bed by the time I had figured out my angle of approach. I was also big on reaffirming my feelings for her.

    We ended up having a good chat, she shared her personal frustrations and provided the example of how my obsessions irritate her. The longest running obsession that she hates is the lawn which I spend about an hour grooming and inspecting daily. But she is much happier, stated she is going to continue to support me, and also wanted me to feel like I could share my success with her.

    I gave her tips from the docs office but left it up to her. All n all she was a happy camper and in her words I made her "all kinds of giddy" because I surprised her by stopping in at her office unannounced after I passed a licensing exam yesterday.

    Thanks for the encouraging words and insight. The biggest help is knowing That many have experienced the same issue on some level.
  • JGunccRugby
    JGunccRugby Posts: 26
    Who does most of the grocery shopping and cooking? If it's her then you might have better luck if you start going with her or offer to do the shopping and cooking on some of the days. That way you can control what comes in the house and if she wants to get something else, she'll have to make a separate trip for the junk. That way, it's not her habit that has to change as much (it's hard to pass up the sweets on sale all over the store after all).

    We split the cooking. I do all of the grilling and some of the sautéed items, she covers sides or makes a 1 dish meal. We shop separately because I am particular about meat selection.
  • jerbear1962
    jerbear1962 Posts: 1,157 Member
    wow kind of like my story is kind of going. She has to want to lose the weight herself before it will happen. You can want all you want but until she has it in her head she wants or needs to lose the weight nothing can happen. My wife has to eat what I fix or fix stuff she wants. I have watched her reaction to my weight loss and I'm trying to not talk about it around her because I think she's a bit resentful. I've always been able to lose weight fairly well I've just always been bad about keeping it off. Good luck
  • Sweet_Pandora
    Sweet_Pandora Posts: 459 Member
    I think the idea of going to the grocery store together is great. Perhaps try coming up with a new recipe to cook together or cook for each other one night a week.

    Another suggestion is to offer to go for a walk/swim/bike ride with her, don't mention it being exercise tell her it will be a time for the two of you to relax out of the house and catch up on each others day.

    Include her in a way that does not sound like it is meant as a way to lose weight may help put the focus on the couple time.

    All the best.

    Karen
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