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Commiserating with those who are clearly overweight when you're not clearly overweight.
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There should be, like, a rule in the employee handbook that you can't talk about being fat at work. Or weight watchers or how many points food has. Also, no calorie talk and no fat gram rants. It should be a fireable offense. It would make life easier for us all.
At my work, usually the ones that keep talking about points, calories, lunch walks etc are the overweight ones. Which is great, but if 3 years later you are still overweight and talking about it, I wouldnt start writing a book on nutrition just yet.9 -
zachbonner_ wrote: »There should be, like, a rule in the employee handbook that you can't talk about being fat at work. Or weight watchers or how many points food has. Also, no calorie talk and no fat gram rants. It should be a fireable offense. It would make life easier for us all.
The way our culture is headed, I wouldn't even be surprised if it got to that point.
I hope I'm dead by then. It sounds awful to deal with something that restrictive. I already avoid banter with coworkers because the risk of someone's feelings getting ruffled is too great. Mention running a half marathon? Might upset someone, can't do it. Mention drinking beer? Might upset someone, can't do it.5 -
Ironandwine69 wrote: »At my work, usually the ones that keep talking about points, calories, lunch walks etc are the overweight ones. Which is great, but if 3 years later you are still overweight and talking about it, I wouldnt start writing a book on nutrition just yet.
And they've had a Fitbit for years with no effect...5 -
It's troubling that this prejudice exists against healthy weight people, especially if they're young. People should not assume they've never struggled with weight. My 13yo daughter has been diagnosed with hypothyroidism and she's never been overweight but she can tell a person when she's 22 about struggling with it plus a fatigue causing major vitamin D deficiency both of which are common causes of obesity and how she had to take steps from a young age to stay healthy. I don't think it's fair to assume someone has zero experience in battling the bulge because of their age and/or weight. It's simply that they've never lost a battle and been successful all along.6
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Since they started the discussion you were simply responding with your understanding. If they then felt offended, they have issues. I expect they just trust and relate with you.
I think your fear is more relevant when the skinny person is starting the whine session, though the problem of clothes not fitting affects people at every BMI level.distinctlybeautiful wrote: »Do y'all think this is acceptable? I'm at the high end of a healthy BMI and at the high end of a good body fat range for my height. I'm not lean, but - putting aside my own more critical eye - I'm not obviously overweight or overfat. Recently two different clearly overweight coworkers on two different occasions mentioned weight struggles and clothing-not-fitting struggles, and I legitimately and honestly related to their experiences. I expressed that and commiserated when we were talking. Then I wondered if it's somehow offensive to them, and I think this idea came to me because I always used to be very put off when people who obviously weighed less than me called themselves fat. I mean, what must they have thought of me if they thought they were fat. I've finally gotten to a place where I recognize that people's comments and feelings about themselves don't necessarily reflect how they feel about others, but I don't know if that's a common place to be. What do y'all think? Was I somehow being insensitive?
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I've had coworkers of all sizes and universally women especially have commiserated about their weight no matter what size they are. Two of my coworkers that sat in my cube area were both each a size 4 and were always talking about how fat they were, I certainly didn't see it, as I was sitting there a size 18 or higher some times, but clearly that's what they saw when they looked in the mirror and that was their experience so I wasn't going to diminish them or put them down for feeling that way. I haven't heard men talk about their weight, size etc. as much as women, I don't know if that is a societal thing, media, magazines, etc. I stopped reading magazines years ago for reasons that even health magazines main articles were about looking good for a man, how to catch a man, what to do to make your body hot for a man. It just never seemed to be about health even when the magazine was suppose to be about health. It was all about getting a man.7
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There should be, like, a rule in the employee handbook that you can't talk about being fat at work. Or weight watchers or how many points food has. Also, no calorie talk and no fat gram rants. It should be a fireable offense. It would make life easier for us all.
Just joshing y'all. The rules at the workplace are draconian enough. Although I did ask if they would let me move to a new desk once because my next door neighbor talked about weight watchers and points all day long and I just couldn't take it anymore.
Noise canceling in ear headphones were one of the best purchases I ever made.
Now I don't have to hear about anyone's kids, their shoes, their shopping trips, their drunken escapades, what they like in their coffee, how there are doughnuts in the kitchen, or that thing someone saw on Facebook. The only thing better is working from home.9 -
You have as much right to your feelings as anyone else.2
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stanmann571 wrote: »Nothing wrong with commiserating as a formerly fat person. What I find annoying are... skinny people half my age who've never been fat complaining about how awful they look in a swimsuit, or sharing advice.
IMO, if you BTDT, you've got a right and a responsibility to share what worked for you. But, preface with your credentials.
We have a friend like this. A tiny south Korean lady who weighs 97 pounds soaking wet and buys children's clothing. She spends most of her visits complaining about how fat she is and saying she eats nothing but cookies for lunch because she's in a hurry. It gets a bit wearing.6 -
distinctlybeautiful wrote: »Do y'all think this is acceptable? I'm at the high end of a healthy BMI and at the high end of a good body fat range for my height. I'm not lean, but - putting aside my own more critical eye - I'm not obviously overweight or overfat. Recently two different clearly overweight coworkers on two different occasions mentioned weight struggles and clothing-not-fitting struggles, and I legitimately and honestly related to their experiences. I expressed that and commiserated when we were talking. Then I wondered if it's somehow offensive to them, and I think this idea came to me because I always used to be very put off when people who obviously weighed less than me called themselves fat. I mean, what must they have thought of me if they thought they were fat. I've finally gotten to a place where I recognize that people's comments and feelings about themselves don't necessarily reflect how they feel about others, but I don't know if that's a common place to be. What do y'all think? Was I somehow being insensitive?
Were you a part of the conversation when they brought up their issues or were you just walking by, overheard the topic and jumped in? The first situation they are probably fine with you sharing. The second situation is not very cool.
I think you shouldn't talk about weight if you are very sensitive about the topic.2 -
My very obese neighbour always complains about her weight, and i never know how to react without giving her the sh!ts! I did tell her i lost 30lbs, and her reply was "jeez i wish i only had that much to lose". The whole damn conversation is flippan awkward!
I know she goes out to lunch everyday, and dinner on weekend nights, her bin is overflowing with take away boxes and wrappers, but there's nothing i can say without coming across as rude/judgmental.
She has told me a hundred times over the years that she's going to come out on my walks with me, but she never has. I've let her know i'll be more than happy to walk together anytime, and that's where i leave it.7 -
Christine_72 wrote: »My very obese neighbour always complains about her weight, and i never know how to react without giving her the sh!ts! I did tell her i lost 30lbs, and her reply was "jeez i wish i only had that much to lose". The whole damn conversation is flippan awkward!
I know she goes out to lunch everyday, and dinner on weekend nights, her bin is overflowing with take away boxes and wrappers, but there's nothing i can say without coming across as rude/judgmental.
She has told me a hundred times over the years that she's going to come out on my walks with me, but she never has. I've let her know i'll be more than happy to walk together anytime, and that's where i leave it.
I had a couple neighbors offer to walk with me when i was quite heavy. I'm sure they meant well, but i couldn't commit to a schedule (full time caregiver) and i was dealing with uncontrolled autoimmune disease. Now the schedule problem still exists, so most of my walks are solo.1 -
I was going to say something like this, but Alatariel typed it better than i would have. So, yanno...Alatariel75 wrote: »I think there is a big difference between commiserating with someone about clothing size frustration and the like, and sitting in front of someone much larger than you and saying how fat and disgusting you think you are. I'll admit frustration with the second, it's just a bit thoughtless in my book. Happy to take advice from smaller people though.2 -
This is a case where it is more important on how you say it as opposed to what you say. You are speaking from a place of empathy and wanting to help. Some people are going to take it the wrong way, but at least you tried. Hope it works.2
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distinctlybeautiful wrote: »Do y'all think this is acceptable? I'm at the high end of a healthy BMI and at the high end of a good body fat range for my height. I'm not lean, but - putting aside my own more critical eye - I'm not obviously overweight or overfat. Recently two different clearly overweight coworkers on two different occasions mentioned weight struggles and clothing-not-fitting struggles, and I legitimately and honestly related to their experiences. I expressed that and commiserated when we were talking. Then I wondered if it's somehow offensive to them, and I think this idea came to me because I always used to be very put off when people who obviously weighed less than me called themselves fat. I mean, what must they have thought of me if they thought they were fat. I've finally gotten to a place where I recognize that people's comments and feelings about themselves don't necessarily reflect how they feel about others, but I don't know if that's a common place to be. What do y'all think? Was I somehow being insensitive?
I imagine, like every other interpersonal exchange, it would depend on what exactly you said, how you said it, and how they heard it. Which is to say the internet denizens cannot really advise you on this.
Clothing-not-fitting seems to be a universal woman thing, and it is related to the fact that our bodies have such a wide variety of proportions regardless of weight and height. , for example, I can hardly wear any pants for my hip size, and I don't even have particularly large thighs any more (37" hip, 22" thigh, 15" calf). So I loathe skinny jeans with a passion (a 37" hip jean will often have a 19" leg opening!). They are UNFLATTERING. They are UNCOMFORTABLE. And my BMI is currently perfectly normal. I don't feel admitting this to a larger woman would be a problem.
As long as you didn't' say "oh my gosh my thighs are SO FAT I can't believe these thunder thighs" I think you're fine. But
And honestly, as someone who has struggled with weight, it was fine to know that women who weren't overweight sometimes had to work to keep that way!
n.b.
There are some people in this world who look to be offended. You cannot possibly avoid offending these people, so don't sweat it if you run into them.9 -
People who are very fit can struggle to stay that way..Nothing offensive if you are sincere. I am 100 pounds overweight, I don't presume to understand all the problems of someone weighing 600 pounds but I have empathy because I know how much of a struggle it is for me. We all have our struggles, yours are just as valid as mine.4
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Thanks for all the responses! Both conversations were between only myself and the other person, and in both, they were the ones who brought up the subject. One conversation was much briefer than the other, so it was fully just relating to each other. The other conversation went a bit further, but because I prefer not to give unsolicited advice, I think the only thing I said at one point was to ask if she'd ever tried counting calories. I think I posed it in more of a curious way than a this-is-what-you-should-do way, and I didn't push it when her response was that she had tried other unnecessarily restrictive methods. I mean, she didn't ask for advice or feedback, so who am I to give it.
On the subject of talking about this stuff at work though, I do have a coworker who is similarly into fitness and nutrition and while she's clearly pretty well-informed, even some of the stuff she says is stuff I don't agree with or think is valid, but it's still kind of awesome to have someone around who really does get it and is working to be fit and healthy also.3 -
distinctlybeautiful wrote: »What do y'all think? Was I somehow being insensitive?
Not that I can see. You are being compassionate and I think that is a fine trait in a person.
It comes down to intention with statements or conversations like this in my view. If you intend to be caring then cool. If you intend to be a jerk then you get drop kicked. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt in such matters and believe them to be well intentioned (which in most cases people are) unless there is clear evidence to the contrary.
I guess there's an argument to be had about empathy however because that involves being able to place yourself in another person's shoes (metaphorically speaking of course as trying to nick their footwear wouldn't be cool) which in turn necessitates sharing a similar frame of reference to them. So, some people will argue that someone who has never been obese cannot truly empathise with an obese person as they have not shared the same issues, or a white person cannot empathise with someone of my skin colour as our life experiences would be different and so on.
I personally think that's a load of old cobblers myself and one can rationally and emotionally get a feel for what it must be like to be someone else and comment usefully upon their experience.
I'm amazed that people get to know one and other these days or crack jokes given the current fashionable paranoia about giving offence. What a joyless world that would be if it were widespread.
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