Non supportive spouse
jklavenga
Posts: 8
Who would think that when I finally made the decision to make some healthy changes that my husband would not be supportive?
Twelve years ago when we met I was 100 pounds lighter. Medical issues and laziness have added weight, depression and general bad attitude to my daily life. I would of have thought he would be thrilled with my decision to get healthy.
Confused, but still continuing.
Twelve years ago when we met I was 100 pounds lighter. Medical issues and laziness have added weight, depression and general bad attitude to my daily life. I would of have thought he would be thrilled with my decision to get healthy.
Confused, but still continuing.
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Replies
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Don't let him rain on your parade. He may feel a little jealous that you are doing something for you. Or maybe he has weight problems of his own and he doesn't want you to change so he won't have to think about changing himself. whatever the reason for this lack of support, you need to completely ignore his stance and do this for yourself. Because it could save your life.0
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Thank you. Hoping that he will change his views when he realizes I am not changing mine. Hes not one ounce over weight. Works construction and is as fit as he was at 21.0
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Non supportive like he won't watch the kids while you go to the gym? Take the kids with or have grandma watch them. Non supportive like he doesn't think you should lose the weight? Explain how much healthier you will be. Non supportive like he won't go to the gym with you? Who cares? You gotta take care of yourself. Non supportive like he eats oreos and kettle chips in front of you? You can have a serving of each if it fits into your daily calorie allotment.
You are the only one responsible for taking care of you and making sure that your health is in tact. Keep on plugging away despite the obstacles. You are the one in charge here.
What is your definition of non supportive?0 -
My husband isn't very supportive either. He thinks life should go on as always...but we've been married almost 25 years and we've both gained a little weight. I'm trying to be healthier, but he doesn't see that weight or lifestyle is an issue. I'm actually worried about him... even though he's not supportive of me, I know my own health is my responsibility. So, basically, I just ignore him (in this area, at least). Good luck to you!0
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What is your definition of supportive? My husband would not join me for exercise, walks, or runs. And he keeps buying (and eating
) cakes, pizzas, beer, and other not-very-healthy-stuff. Should I mention it does not affect his weight? But he does not question me going for a run or buying protein bars. He is not very happy my new activities take hours from our family time weekly - but he handles it... This is supportive enough for me 
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I know how it feels. It's very hard to deal with a person you love not understanding or being supportive of your want to help yourself. Mine has no understanding of my health issues, doesn't make an effort to learn about it, and thinks I should just be able to exercise and push through; even though pushing through low blood glucose isn't advised. He's 5'11" 145 despite the fact that he eats horribly so he has no idea what it's like.
My advice: Ignore him and keep on bettering yourself. You don't need his approval to do what's right for you. 0 -
It's a little difficult to comment about the situation, as you are vague about it. How is your husband not supportive about your decision? Please elaborate.0
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How is he not supporting you?0
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I'd try asking for support personally. "I just wanted to let you know that getting healthy and losing this weight is really important to me. I could really use your support." and let him know in what ways he can support you, but don't demand, ask, try to make a deal and let him know his help would make it easier for you.
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It would be a lot easier if we could go on this journey together. My husband is overweight with numerous medical issues like I am. I try my best to get good, wholesome, healthy foods in the house, but I can't tell you how many times he brings home "treats" from the grocery store. I have begged him to hide or lock away the chips, candy and cookies, but he refuses.
I started going to the gym again about a month ago, and while it's not easy, it make me feel a lot better psychologically (not physically yet). He is supportive of this effort at times, but at other times he tells me how "unwell" and "awful" I look when I get home exhausted.
Sometimes I feel he wants me to fail and be fat and miserable with him. He's been bugging me for months to get weight-loss surgery, but because of gastroparesis, I'm not a candidate. Also, I know that won't be the answer for me, as I keep eating even when I'm way past the point of being full.0 -
Have him get you a healthy treat or drink like coconut water. I did this with my husband and I hide the sweets or have him hide them or I will throw them away. He will get the message eventually! My husband is not supportive I have fights every time I want to walk or workout! So hard guys! But I will not let him stand in my way! So add me any support is welcoming! You just steel yourself up ladies and say I will I can I must!QueenSuzyBee wrote: »It would be a lot easier if we could go on this journey together. My husband is overweight with numerous medical issues like I am. I try my best to get good, wholesome, healthy foods in the house, but I can't tell you how many times he brings home "treats" from the grocery store. I have begged him to hide or lock away the chips, candy and cookies, but he refuses.
I started going to the gym again about a month ago, and while it's not easy, it make me feel a lot better psychologically (not physically yet). He is supportive of this effort at times, but at other times he tells me how "unwell" and "awful" I look when I get home exhausted.
Sometimes I feel he wants me to fail and be fat and miserable with him. He's been bugging me for months to get weight-loss surgery, but because of gastroparesis, I'm not a candidate. Also, I know that won't be the answer for me, as I keep eating even when I'm way past the point of being full.
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How is he not supportive? :huh:0
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Mine isn't supportive either, he constantly tells me I don't need to lose weight (I'm just over 200lbs, so clearly I do), and rolls his eyes every time I go to log anything. Personally I think he's worried about how hot I'm going to be (lol, telling myself I'm going to be hot helps keep me going, even if its not true) and just ignore and carry on anyway. He wants bacon and egg baps every day hes off work? Fine, I'll find a healthy alternative so I don't feel like I'm missing out and just not mention the foody styuff to him0
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In the end, you are doing it for yourself, and by yourself. My husband is young, slim and strong, and does not know what it is to be overweight, so I would not expect him to join in / support me as he has never been fat or unfit in his life, and therefore cannot relate. As long as he doesn't force feed me Snickers bars, that's fine
Edit - he also has no idea of what calories are - he bought me a pack of ginger biscuits yesterday, - 150 calories per biscuit, and said "here's a little something for you to have a small snack when you are hungry - lllloool
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I kinda get where you're coming from - I have a very loving boyfriend who constantly tells me I'm beautiful just as I am - it actually causes some arguments, because he thinks I don't accept/value his view, whereas I get annoyed that he doesn't recognise I want to lose weight for ME and how I feel. He is not the healthiest eater and I find that my discipline often wavers when we are together - he is not afraid to eat delicious or high calorie food in front of me. That's really more my issue though - I'm the one that needs to manage my self control and the food that goes into my mouth. While it would be nice for our spouses to be exactly the kind of cheering squads we wanted them to be, I think it's more realistic that we find ways to self motivate and appreciate the support (at whatever level) our partners do give us.0
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WTF? Come on - how many of you would refuse to support your partner? How many of you would not mind your children so your partner could exercise? How many of you would insist on having crap food in the house, let alone eating it in front of your partner? How many of you would undermine or sabatage a loved one's attempts to be happier and healthier?
"Appreciate the support at any level" my foot!0 -
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I would be angry with the surgeon who'd given my partner a brain transplant yes. We love each other and support each other. That's our definition of "being a partner".
Wouldn't you be disappointed with your daughter if she tried to undermine your efforts?0 -
Love this.
You are the only one responsible for taking care of you and making sure that your health is in tact. Keep on plugging away despite the obstacles. You are the one in charge here.
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My friend's husband, for example, is afraid that she will over-excercise and will have a heart attack and die during the race (she is an avid runner doing marathons etc). So, in his eyes, he cares about her health while she is pleasing her ego and feeding her vanity. If my husband would start doing something which I would believe hurt him in the future (however happy it would make him) I would not support him.WTF? Come on - how many of you would refuse to support your partner? How many of you would not mind your children so your partner could exercise? How many of you would insist on having crap food in the house, let alone eating it in front of your partner? How many of you would undermine or sabatage a loved one's attempts to be happier and healthier?
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Ah...That's sure reminded me of my situation and he kept telling me I am beautiful no matter how I look now. He never seem to understand that I need to sweat it out and keep fit.0
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Yeah, so OP ain't running any marathons. At least not today.
Not wanting your partner to do something that you perceive as harmful is way different than scarfing down a bag of chips in front of their face.
I'm not saying to be to extreme, but how freaking hard is it to hide chips if you ask your partner to hide chips?!? To refuse to do even that? Yeah, I'd be angry too LOL!!!
Everyone's situation is different but it does seem like at some point a partner's non-support (or flat out sabotage of efforts) might deserve a trip to a counselor to help with communication issues as it seems downright cruel. Your partner should not do cruel things to you as a matter of daily routine.
Just because you can and are doing it for yourself doesn't mean your best friend shouldn't be happy to help you in your endeavors.
ETA: And why would anyone accept open mockery? Unless your partner is doing it in a playful fashion and you find it fun, or even if it's serious and you think it's a fair assessment, having them outright mock you for something you feel positively about trying to do also seems excessively cruel.0 -
I see a theme running through a lot of tese comments - the focus on appearance in the eyes of partners, and I find that really quite sad. Do these partners not realize what obesity does to one's health? Do they understand what obesity looks like? Maybe explaining these facts might help?
I lost weight because of health, pure and simple. I couldn't care less how I ended up looking, and honestly, DH has commented that I'm more bony than I used to be, but he'll get over it. I'm a healthy weight, I have less fat, stats and studies suggest I'll live longer and healthier as a result. Who cares if my boobs have shrunk, when I'm hoping to live an extra 20 active years?
As for the "support" thing, DH didn't actively support me. He thought I was anal/crazy/obsessive for logging, but it didn't stop me. The best thing he's done is not comment or really get involved, but give me the space to figure this whole healthy weight/diet thing out by myself. Yeah, sure, he offered me treats/drinks and even tried to put food on my plate (which I've always hated, and which made me hit the roof), but even he gets bored of me always saying no..
So maybe just do it for yourself and your loved ones, but focus on being strong and doing it BY yourself.0 -
Communicate early and often. Do not let it go. Have the tough conversations. Try to get on the same page.0
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I don't really understand this. My partner and I have a very close relationship. We can talk pretty freely about anything, but what I choose to eat is not really a topic of conversation. I don't see why it's something he would have any input into? It's certainly none of my business what he eats or when, or how much he weighs. I mean, I cook for him when he's hungry (or he cooks) but I don't get bent out of shape when he sits on the lounge and eats a bag of nuts or lollies. His business.
Same with the teenagers. Do I care if they get a pizza or bring home McDonalds? Not really. I cook most nights, either something we can all eat, or I make myself something else (3 or 4 serves so I don't have to bother about it for a few days). I ride my horse, I go for a walk at lunch time. But my point is, it's such a non-issue in our relationship.0 -
you know what? you probably gained your weight in a slow and unnoticeable fashion without intending it, much less announcing it. you've changed (in your opinion probably for the worst) but it was unnoticeable to him and he just kept loving you anyways.
when we announce that we intend to lose weight, it probably conjures up images of weight loss shows where the person changes drastically and fast (sometimes in the span of 30 minutes plus commercials!).
so he may be only reacting to the idea of CHANGE. not necessarily not wanting you to be better, faster, healthier, prettier, or whatever your intentions are. many people are averse to change and that's probably the only worry he has. so just do your thing and keep things to yourself and as slowly as the weight comes off he will continue to love you as you shrink just as he loved you while you gained.0 -
I don't really understand this. My partner and I have a very close relationship. We can talk pretty freely about anything, but what I choose to eat is not really a topic of conversation. I don't see why it's something he would have any input into? It's certainly none of my business what he eats or when, or how much he weighs. I mean, I cook for him when he's hungry (or he cooks) but I don't get bent out of shape when he sits on the lounge and eats a bag of nuts or lollies. His business.
Same with the teenagers. Do I care if they get a pizza or bring home McDonalds? Not really. I cook most nights, either something we can all eat, or I make myself something else (3 or 4 serves so I don't have to bother about it for a few days). I ride my horse, I go for a walk at lunch time. But my point is, it's such a non-issue in our relationship.
I feel like people only start caring what you eat or drink when you start talking about it or it otherwise becomes an issue. Proclamations of weight loss or food rejecting are probably the first things that put these topics on the table and then it's downhill from there. Least that's what I notice in my relationships. The minute one person says they intend to lose (or gain) weight, or avoid an entire food group or copy someone's eating style, then the floodgates open and a slow but steady and persistent theme of food shaming emerges.
ETA: At least that's what I've noticed in the relationships around me, including mine and those of my friends and those of friends with one another. One lady blurted she wouldn't eat carbs and it became the topic for the next 20 minutes. When really there were more important things to discuss.
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MyChocolateDiet wrote: »I don't really understand this. My partner and I have a very close relationship. We can talk pretty freely about anything, but what I choose to eat is not really a topic of conversation. I don't see why it's something he would have any input into? It's certainly none of my business what he eats or when, or how much he weighs. I mean, I cook for him when he's hungry (or he cooks) but I don't get bent out of shape when he sits on the lounge and eats a bag of nuts or lollies. His business.
Same with the teenagers. Do I care if they get a pizza or bring home McDonalds? Not really. I cook most nights, either something we can all eat, or I make myself something else (3 or 4 serves so I don't have to bother about it for a few days). I ride my horse, I go for a walk at lunch time. But my point is, it's such a non-issue in our relationship.
I feel like people only start caring what you eat or drink when you start talking about it or it otherwise becomes an issue. Proclamations of weight loss or food rejecting are probably the first things that put these topics on the table and then it's downhill from there. Least that's what I notice in my relationships. The minute one person says they intend to lose (or gain) weight, or avoid an entire food group or copy someone's eating style, then the floodgates open and a slow but steady and persistent theme of food shaming emerges.
ETA: At least that's what I've noticed in the relationships around me, including mine and those of my friends and those of friends with one another. One lady blurted she wouldn't eat carbs and it became the topic for the next 20 minutes. When really there were more important things to discuss.
I reckon that's right. It becomes an issue because it's made into an issue. Every day life is about navigation the cakes and pizza and well meaning friends and family and their comments and food enabling, and dinners out and all manner of other things. Stay centered. Do your thing. Decide what to put into your body, and how much you do, and don't seek validation from others. I reckon alot of partners do feel threatened, because part of marriage is getting comfortable in your rut together, and men especially, hate to change that. "We've always had pizza night on Friday, now we can't?"0 -
This is extremely common, and usually with the people closest to us, unfortunately. Responses here show that you're clearly not alone.
The reasons for it are situational, but it's important to know that their reaction is all about *them* and not you. Here are some scenarios to consider.- ANGER: Your self-improvement work proves you (and they) have the power to change things you're unhappy with (and not just weight-related), and this invalidates excuses they tell themselves for why they aren't doing so. In other words - if you can do it, so can they, but they aren't ready or willing to do so (right now), so they just project their anger (at themselves) towards you.
- FEAR/INSECURITY: They are insecure and worry that your self-improvement will a) increase your attractiveness to others, or b) decrease your relative reliance on, or attraction, to them. In other words - in their mind you'd become "too good" for them, and therefore their (perceived) risk of losing you increases.
- CONCERN/IGNORANCE: (Ignorance might be a strong word, but most accurate.) This happens often with parents who equate feeding you with loving you, or they've grown accustomed to seeing you at a certain size/weight all your life. Their worry is that you'll overdo it, or are losing weight due to stress, and you'll get "too thin" or "unhealthy" even when you and your doctor know you're far from it.
In all these cases, and more, all you can really do is focus on your health and your progress, remind people in your life that you love them (reassurance is especially important for the insecurity issue) and would really appreciate their support (but that their lack of support won't change your path one bit), and that what you're doing makes you happy.
Hang in there!0 -
This is extremely common, and usually with the people closest to us, unfortunately. Responses here show that you're clearly not alone.
The reasons for it are situational, but it's important to know that their reaction is all about *them* and not you. Here are some scenarios to consider.- ANGER: Your self-improvement work proves you (and they) have the power to change things you're unhappy with (and not just weight-related), and this invalidates excuses they tell themselves for why they aren't doing so. In other words - if you can do it, so can they, but they aren't ready or willing to do so (right now), so they just project their anger (at themselves) towards you.
- FEAR/INSECURITY: They are insecure and worry that your self-improvement will a) increase your attractiveness to others, or b) decrease your relative reliance on, or attraction, to them. In other words - in their mind you'd become "too good" for them, and therefore their (perceived) risk of losing you increases.
- CONCERN/IGNORANCE: (Ignorance might be a strong word, but most accurate.) This happens often with parents who equate feeding you with loving you, or they've grown accustomed to seeing you at a certain size/weight all your life. Their worry is that you'll overdo it, or are losing weight due to stress, and you'll get "too thin" or "unhealthy" even when you and your doctor know you're far from it.
In all these cases, and more, all you can really do is focus on your health and your progress, remind people in your life that you love them (reassurance is especially important for the insecurity issue) and would really appreciate their support (but that their lack of support won't change your path one bit), and that what you're doing makes you happy.
Hang in there!
This hits the nail on the head! so many loved ones don't know how to properly convey what they're feeling- their thoughts or fears, so they become closed off, or unsupportive, because they don't realize that this choice is first and foremost best for YOUR health, and for your relationship in the long term. Being the healthiest person you can be, would *hopefully* provide the two of you with a longer, more fulfilling life together.
Maybe, sit down and explain to your husband that it's not just about losing weight, but overall health. It's not just a "looks" thing. So many people hear, I'm going to lose weight, and like the poster above mentioned- if there's any insecurity, they automatically think "oh no, he/she will lose weight and leave me!" when that's not even on your radar! If your husband understands that you're wanting to lose weight to help with general health, your medical issues, and working out certainly does boost endorphins which can help with depression (granted, this is by no means a cure or substitute or any medications or other treatments you may be taking, but it definitely can be a help!), in addition to improving overall health. Maybe if your husband understood the overall benefits to you making a lifestyle change, that it's having you around longer with him, and being healthy, that he might be a little more supportive.
Regardless, you can do this! Keep your head up, and keep going! Remember all of the positives, and why you wanted to do this! It is worth it, you are worth it!
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