Trophy Wife I am Not.

clairabellle

I need help, I am 44 and am in love with a man that is 19 years older than me.... This is very heart-felt and really it should stop there in a perfect world.
BUT this is not a perfect world!

My integrity has been questioned, my very existence is a source of conflict to my partners children who are grown and extremely successful in their own right. My partner is too.

And so am I!,
I have represented my country in sport to an international level, And was placed 3rd. I have been enlisted in my countries army where I also excelled top of class, this was male and female.... And guess what? I am female.

My point is; My partners children won't accept me after 4 years of being with my partner and we are now engaged.

After all I have worked for I have been branded a "Trophy Wife and a gold digger..
I do not look at things over emotionally and use a wise mind as much as I can.

Right now II am stumped and need a fresh perspective .

PaleoChocolateBear

If you know you're not using him then it's no big deal can't make the whole world like you.

ZealousMissJJ

^^ Agreed. Easier said than done, I know. But honey, if after 4 years they still feel that way, they will always do. You know how you feel, don't waste your time to prove them wrong.

clairabellle

Agreed, I have my own source of income. But all i want is to be accepted as loving this man. End of story.

Sparkle_Princess

Look at it from their perspective hun, he is almost old enough to be your father if he had a child at 19.

Its hard seeing another woman walk into dads life and therefore take time away from them. They may worry you are going to take away their inheritance.

This all may seem illogical to you but to them its a real fear. My only suggestion is to be nice to them hopefully one day they will realise you are genuine

jennifer_417

Just going by what you have said here, it kind of sounds like his children are not ready for their dad to remarry. They may be immature, or jealous of his time, especially if he was single for a long time before you and got used to getting the lion's share of their dad's time and resources.

clairabellle

Yes there is an inheritance and I have never expected my partner to choose as his children where there before me. I strongly believe in that. Family comes first.

Buddhasmiracle

How is he helping to smooth these waters?

They are children -- young adults, not kids. Their father made a choice and he should be telling them to mind their own business.

clairabellle

They are 30, 36 & 38 respectfully.

DalekBrittany

Are you going to sign a pre-nup? You may not want to or like the idea, but if you do it may help his kids realize you are not after his money! Well, they aren't kids, but it sounded better than offspring. Have you asked them why they feel you are a gold digger?

AlsDonkBoxSquat

There's probably a better website for an issue like this where you're more likely to find people who are/were in this situation. If you know you're true and he knows your true that's what really matters. Either his family will in time see the truth too or they won't.

5ftnFun

How is he helping to smooth these waters?

They are children -- young adults, not kids. Their father made a choice and he should be telling them to mind their own business.

I was thinking the same thing. Why does he not address this situation?

bnorris2013

My mom dated the same man since I was 9 not my father but growing up he was the closest thing I had to a father so that is how I looked at him as my father - They never married or lived together but they did have a child together and when I was 25 my mom broke things off with him at first I thought it was like the other times and they would get back together but when she started dating other people I was not a happy camper - I was grown, married and had my own child but believe you me I did not like this guy my mom was dating and sadly as I look back he was quite a nice man but in my eyes this was someone taking away my father and definantly was not supposed to be there in my book because it would ruin any chance of them getting back together

Is there mother still around? Maybe its resentment that you are there and they feel like their dad should be trying to work things out with her - Or if she is not around anymore perhaps its resentment that they think their dad moved on to quickly - Maybe you could try getting together with them 1 by 1 go to lunch have a nice talk with them and get to the root of the problem

**sad note**
Sadly my mom got sick a few months later and she did die - And I have to say even all they had been thru the past year my "dad" was the their by her side the entire time

LMT2012

I am assuming his children are fully grown adults? Shame on them for sticking their nose in. Your only worry should be that their selfish disapproval might get in the way of a single minute of happiness in your married life!
If it makes you and he feel better, have a pre nup wherein you both leave with what you came in with in the event of a quick divorce, with a caveat that something go to the surviving partner when one of you dies.
Everyone's days are numbered. Do not let them steal your joy!

goodtimezzzz

WAKE UP! THIS IS ALL BULL****...ENJOY YOUR LIFE:)

onwarddownward

I need help, I am 44 and am in love with a man that is 19 years older than me.... This is very heart-felt and really it should stop there in a perfect world.
BUT this is not a perfect world!

My integrity has been questioned, my very existence is a source of conflict to my partners children who are grown and extremely successful in their own right. My partner is too.

And so am I!,
I have represented my country in sport to an international level, And was placed 3rd. I have been enlisted in my countries army where I also excelled top of class, this was male and female.... And guess what? I am female.

My point is; My partners children won't accept me after 4 years of being with my partner and we are now engaged.

After all I have worked for I have been branded a "Trophy Wife and a gold digger..
I do not look at things over emotionally and use a wise mind as much as I can.

Right now II am stumped and need a fresh perspective .

Sounds like the kids see you interfering in their inheritance. Just love him and ignore them. Greed is an ugly thing.

SlimJanette

Don't worry about what his children think. They seem more concerned about the money then their father being happy. Life is short, love him with everything you have. You have your own income and self worth, you don't need their acceptance or validation. Has your fiancé told his kids that he loves you and nothing is going to change? He needs to back you up and make you feel accepted and console you about his kids. There are so many bad things that happen in the course of a life, don't let this be one that impacts you. They are adults and if they don't respect their fathers wishes to be with you then you can never change their mind. Do you have children?

LAMAnRLA91909

Don't worry about his "kids". At the ages of 30, 36, and 38 they should be mature enough to realize how much you love their father. . Marry the man you love, live your life with him, and be happy. Hopefully in time they will accept you as a part of their family. Best of luck to you.

Lupercalia

My father and mother divorced when I was young. My dad never remarried, though I really wish he had. It's very sad to see him alone at 75. I hope your partner's grown children will reconsider their position and wish you and their father all the happiness in the world. Life is too short. Best wishes to you and your partner. :flowerforyou:

billsica

Yup, Sign a prenup. You can just get it undone later.

AmazeButt

I could see their issue if you were 25 year's old with the brain of an eleven year old. They'll get over it, I'm sure.

RushBabe214

If his children have not accepted you after 4 years, chances are that they never will. You need to decide if you can live with that.

rml_16

You may just have to accept that they aren't going to accept you. I have a friend married to a man 30 years older than she is. His grown children accept her and they get along well and she's having a baby in August.

But some people are more bitter than others. I don't know you or your fiance or his children, so maybe there's more to this story, but it's entirely possible the age difference is just an excuse and they would have a problem with any woman in his life.

AZKristi

I don't think you should take it personally - I'm sure your partner's children would react the same way to any woman Just enjoy your relationship and treat your future step kids with kindness. Hopefully they will come to see all that you have to offer.

emtjmac

What about signing a prenuptial agreement that ensures that the children will get their inheritance so that they can no longer be suspicious about your motivations?

TS65

I inherited 4 grown step kids when I married. 3 were fine with it; 1 was livid. While logically she knew differently, I think deep down she hoped her parents would get back together. It took a few years but she eventually came around.

Live your life. Love your husband. This is their issue...not yours. They may come around. They may not. Treat them well regardless... it will make it harder for them to remain hateful.

Unknown

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FP4HSharon

Sort of understand their concern, as my daughter started dating a man who was 11 yrs older when she was 18...yes, he was 29. We weren't rude, but I'd say reserved, until he finally won us over & they were married 2 yrs later & have been very happy since.

No matter how well WE behave, we cannot make anyone else like us. If they are outright rude to you, then I would either ignore it, or withdraw if necessary, because no matter what you say, they won't hear it. Perhaps let them see you are sad about their unkindness, but dont' make a big deal or they'll just think you're putting on a show. Dont' take the bait & don't escalate. Your fiance should be the one to talk to them about it; if you say something & he doesn't, then it'll only make things worse. I'd just continue to kill them with kindness, as though you dont' even notice they are being rude...send them cards/gifts on appropriate holidays, give them a hug & a kiss in greeting if they'll allow it, just be the nice person you are. If they say something rude to you in private,then you should let them know you'll pass it onto your fiance, as you're in a relationship & he should know. I would NOT do a prenup just for their benefit...to me a prenup smacks of assuming something won't work out, & it's THEIR issue, not yours & your fiance's. If you haven't already done so, and you should only have to do it once, then tell them that you understand their concerns, but that you love their dad & they have nothing to worry about.

In my case, I have relatives(some inlaws) that no matter how hard I try, I cannot please them. Finally, I learned not to get EMOTIONALLY involved in their rejection, but it took me years of trying & being hurt when they responded unkindly. Now I just try to treat them the way I wish they'd treat me, but assume they'll be unkind...that way I don't get upset when they ARE unkind. In other words, I learned to let go. Here are a couple of quotes that encouraged me...

"Against criticism a man can neither protest nor defend himself; he must act in spite of it, & then it will gradually yield to him."
--Goethe

"If it is possible, AS FAR AS IT DEPENDS ON YOU,, live at peace with everyone." --Romans 12:18 (Emphasis Mine)

terlyn20

most likely something else motivates these 3 grown ups besides genuine love and concern for their dad. Love is a gift, you decide what to do with it, hopefully you will be wiser than they are.

5ftnFun

I inherited 4 grown step kids when I married. 3 were fine with it; 1 was livid. While logically she knew differently, I think deep down she hoped her parents would get back together. It took a few years but she eventually came around.

Live your life. Love your husband. This is their issue...not yours. They may come around. They may not. Treat them well regardless... it will make it harder for them to remain hateful.

Love, love, love that last statement. Fabulous.

avababy05

WAKE UP! THIS IS ALL BULL****...ENJOY YOUR LIFE:)

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