Need Ideas for my overweight Daughter

goalpeace

My Daughter is overweight. It is affecting her mentally in a big way.

She is larger than I ever was. Could be the genes on her other side affecting her worse than me. She definitely binge eats and I have scheduled an appointment with someone so we can try and get to the bottom of it.

I stopped letting her eat lunch at school this year and started having her take lunch. This week we found she is in love with these salads at Costco that are only 250 calories plus I add some fruit in there. I started my healthy lifestyle (of course I stumble here and there) in 2011 and thought it would be a positive influence on her but it hasn't helped.

She does not like to talk about her weight and when it's brought up she takes it as an attack.

My goal is to get her on a good diet and start her interest in cross country for her freshman year. She starts H.S. in 1 1/2 years.

I would love some ideas on how I can help her. She is approximately 40ish Lbs overweight.

Thank you MFP Fam!

NoelFigart1

What color is the sky on your planet where 250 calories is an appropriate lunch for a teenaged girl? My god, I'm a short, middle-aged woman and I'm losing a pound a week on more like a 600 calorie lunch, and I'm still pretty eager for dinner when dinnertime rolls around.

The bottom of that binge eating might honestly be that you're restricting food enough that she's genuinely hungry.

The idea that you're choosing a sport for her is also insane. I get requiring a physical activity. But let her choose what she's into.

Lizzy622

Exercise with her. Cross country is fabulous. Start running or at least walking with her as much as possible. My long walk and talks with my children have been great bonding time. They have told me things that maybe they wouldn't have otherwise and as a result we have gotten to know each other much better. Also, of course, lead by example.

spickard34

I understand your concern for your daughter but I just pled to you to go about it in a healthy way. I think instead of putting her on some sort of diet all around you should just have only healthy choices in your home, no cookies, or chips or ice cream. Also this could back fire on you if you are not picking your words carefully and she could develop an eating disorder. Being young is hard and knowing that you are overweight makes it hard it sounds like you can relate to her and are not trying to make it worse and just care. I personally eat over 300 cals for lunch and need it I imagine if you are younger you need more. I think instead you need to as I said make healthy home choices and instead of couching it right after school or work go for a walk or to the park and play. Grade 7 is too early to put dieting thoughts in her head you are the parent and control whats in the home so just make it a healthy environment.

pscarolina

NoelFigart1 wrote: »

What color is the sky on your planet where 250 calories is an appropriate lunch for a teenaged girl? My god, I'm a short, middle-aged woman and I'm losing a pound a week on more like a 600 calorie lunch, and I'm still pretty eager for dinner when dinnertime rolls around.

The bottom of that binge eating might honestly be that you're restricting food enough that she's genuinely hungry.

The idea that you're choosing a sport for her is also insane. I get requiring a physical activity. But let her choose what she's into.

+1 My daughter will be (gasp!) 20 next month. She was a little chunky when she was your daughter's age. Finding a sport she LOVED (cheerleading) helped lots, but what really helped was talking to her, doing things with her, boosting her self-confidence in other ways.

What's your relationship with food like these days? My daughter learned to make better choices when I stopped counting calories like they were the enemy. Maybe you could interest her in helping choose food, shop, cook for the family?

alcrisp93

It's possible that she doesn't like to talk about her weight because you are attacking her about it. Young girls live in a world that conditions them to feel uncomfortable with their bodies. If she's starting high school in a year and a half, then she's at a very difficult time in life. If she feels like you're shaming her for her weight, that won't help anyone.

I think the best advice I can give you is for you to really examine your motivations here. Choosing her sports for her and limiting her to 250 calorie lunches + fruit, saying that she can't eat lunch at school- those are all incredibly restricting, controlling choices for you to make as a parent. They're more likely to hurt her than to help her.

Everyone accepts it when young boys of the same age eat their parents out of house and home, because they're "growing boys" and need the energy. Remember that your daughter is a growing girl too when you think about restricting her calories that much. It's not safe.

The best thing you can do is let her know that you love her, no matter what her weight is. You can live a healthy life style yourself, but forcing an overly restrictive one on her is A) not healthy at all, and b) wouldn't help her to lose weight anyway. If she's going to make the choice to live healthier, she will have to do it herself. Even children don't react well to life style changes that are forced on them, regardless of the fact that you're the parent and you make the rules, or whatever that rationale might be.

In fact, the trend seems to be that children whose parents force diets on them have lower self esteem and are more likely to exhibit ED behavior in the future.

Alluminati

Sometimes our attitudes towards our own bodies can have a bad influence on our daughters (and how they treat theirs). She is still growing, let her eat. Teach her the value of eating her veggies and fruits. Get her active, and like someone said above, let her choose her own activity. Unfortunately they are so impressionable at this age and you don't want them developing ED behavior.

He1loKitty

My mom suggested I start jogging the summer before I started high school. I wasn't overweight but I wasn't doing anything active. I started with short distances at a slow pace. It wouldn't have occurred to me if she hadn't suggested it and I wasn't offended. I started running more and more and made varsity cross country by my sophomore year. It definitely helped me develop healthy exercise and eating habits at a time when a lot of kids eat a ton of junk food. I am grateful to my mom for instilling good habits in me at a young, impressionable age. Her attitude was basically like, you're young, get out there and do something active! I wouldn't worry so much about offending your daughter. Now is the time to influence her. Before too long she'll be in college and on her own. Barring any illnesses, there's no reason she can't be a healthy, active teenager with your guidance.

lawkat

I was the fat kid and fat adult. My mother would try to encourage me to lose weight and be active. I was a bookworm and liked to stay inside. I would sneak food when she wasn't around. I wanted to be thin, and did Weight Watchers on and off. It took me a while to realize what I needed to do to lose the weight.

What I am saying is that by you constantly focusing on her weight, she has to do it herself. You can try and push her in the right direction, but she has to want it. I am sure she does but doesn't want you to point out. You can make suggestions but I really wouldn't harp on her about her weight. You will only make her feel worse about herself. As for therapy, are you going to be there? I hope not because whatever problems she has, she needs to discuss them alone with the therapist because you could be the problem. By problem, you constantly getting on her about her weight and making her feel like she is not good enough for you. Love her and accept her for who she is. You can say that you do, but by you getting on her about her weight, sends a whole other message.

timika82

Support her. Dont throw her weight in her face at all times. Also trying cooking healthy. By doing small things it will help her in the long run. Trust me I have been in her position.

goalpeace

Thank you everyone for the replies! I want to make it clear that I am not restricting her diet to only a few hundred calories. I think you took my salad comment incorrectly. What I am really saying is that we found something she likes (besides junk/fast food) that she likes. She commented on how good it was and that is a great start to get her eating "healthier" foods. I'm well aware of not eating enough calories and it's affect on our health.

I would never suggest she eat only a few calories. She is young and burns a lot more than me.

As far as pushing a sport on her, I haven't done that either. She just finished a season of baseball (yes, baseball not softball) and loved it. However, she can't continue because the next level is too intense for her.

My brother ran cross country and I have fallen in love with running myself. I truly believe in running and the wonderful effects it has on our bodies and minds. I would like to encourage her to run (not force). I think as parents, we have to do a little of that right? I'm thinking starting out with just walking.

I think she will come around with fitness. Her biggest problem IMO is food choices.

Also, FYI, I do not EVER bring up her weight to her. When she brings it up and says "I'm fat" I just say "You look fine." "Don't say that", etc. I compliment her on her outfits, etc. We don't let our other kids mention it to her. However, I need to do SOMETHING. By just brushing it off, over time, has made it much worse. I am sorry to say this but it has. I do not want to start an attack campaign against her just help. I just need ideas!

knitapeace

As the mom of a 15 year old daughter I can tell you that nine times out of ten, she won't want to do anything if you're the one who suggests it. Create an atmosphere where healthy eating and exercise are easy choices to make, but leave her open to making them. Restricting and insisting will only lead to rebellion and possibly, as a poster above suggested, sneaky eating.

Wish I could find the gif for "I said a healthy snack Rebecca!!!" LOL

He1loKitty

goalpeace wrote: »

I would like to encourage her to run (not force). I think as parents, we have to do a little of that right? I'm thinking starting out with just walking.

Agreed. It's your job as a parent to guide your daughter, give her the tools and set her on the right path for a healthy life as an adult!

taymay34

Sounds like you and I are in the same boat. My son is in 7th grade and even since I can remember he has been " chunky". For our family, competition is a great thing with some kind of silly reward at the end. Example, the winner got to throw a pie in the other family members face. My 12 year old won cuz he didn't want his 14 year old brother to be able to pie him.

belgerian

First of all she has to want to do something about it and then do it. The first part is easy the second is not. Maybe just get her to start counting calories and see how much she really is eating and go from there. I can guarantee you if she wants she is still eating those school lunches at her age all you can do is educate her. When you are not around she will be making her own choices and the more you push the more she will rebel.

uconnwinsnc1

Unfortunately, teenagers don't really like to take much advice from parents. From ages 13-18 you're going to be her enemy. She'll love you more than ever once she hits her 20's, though.

See if any of her friends play any sports or are active. Talk to their parents and try to get the kids to do it together. Just don't...embarrass her. Being an overweight teenager was one of the worst things for me and I am a guy with little social pressure to "look sexy." She knows what she needs to do. She just needs supportive friends and a fun/safe environment.

AliceDark

Actively restricting her calories and putting her on a diet is a really bad idea. Focus on learning about nutrition, encouraging activity -- anything but her weight! She's what, 13ish now? She probably already feels like her body is doing a bunch of weird stuff that she has no control over. If you help her concentrate on behaviors (things she can control and influence) instead of the outcome (her weight), it can be a more positive experience for her. Lots of kids have a really chunky phase when they're going through puberty, so she could be doing everything exactly right and still just be chunky for awhile.

What's an appropriate calorie range for someone of her age and stats? A 250 calorie lunch sounds really low to me too -- trying to get through a school day on that would trigger bingeing in a lot of people.

goalpeace

Ok, so the best thing to do would be to just continue to support her or even step up my supporting of her. She is definitely going through some changes and I thought about that but her weight has just steadily gone up and up. Her Doctor has made comments about her weight during appointments. I will focus on healthy choices and some activities. I still need ideas for this.

daydreams_of_pretty

They have books aimed at girls her age that will help her learn how to care for her body. Or you could try the Girlosophy series. It's not just limited to younger girls. I have/love the main Girlosophy book. You can find it on Amazon. It's about loving yourself and girl empowerment. It includes inspirational thoughts on properly fueling your body and being active, plus a lot more. There's a food book, but I haven't used that one.

Also, in your original post, you mentioned that you thought her genetics on the other side of her family were contributing to her weight gain. That kind of thinking can hurt her because it makes the situation feel hopeless and out of her control.

If you really want to help her, then talk to her about what activities that she's actually interested in trying and then help her try them. If you start giving her things to try without considering what she wants, then it's all going to feel like a chore and an ordeal. She needs to find something that works long term.

Milvardea

Maybe you could work a little harder on letting your daughter know you love her the way she is, so she can learn to love herself instead of trying to force her to lose weight. You are essentially saying "You aren't good enough the way you are." Why don't you try some positive reinforcement, and get down to the brass tacks of WHY she overeats? It could be depression or maybe self-image issues (since her mom is telling her she's fat and has to lose weight). Most people binge eat for a sense of control. It sounds like she needs to see a therapist. Also, maybe you could exercise together, and let her pick the routine, give her back a sense of control.

bhberth

This is so tough. As a mom of girls, I completely understand your desire to protect her from a life of being overweight. My daughters are very young (3 and 1), but I would hate for them to experience some of the things I did being a chunky kid. That being said, I was also the daughter of a mom who struggled with her weight, so I've been on the other end as well. I am absolutely sure that my mom was well-meaning in everything she said or implied (also all to protect me), but the fact is when you are a teenager, you already feel awkward and ugly and the last thing you want is to think, even for a second, that your mother looks at you the same way. Even if you don't actively mention her weight to her, you may be implying it in other ways and making her feel worse. My suggestion? Go home and tell her sincerely that she's gorgeous. Give her a big hug. Go for a walk together. And call it a day.

PrizePopple

I have two daughters, and to be blunt (just like I am with them) it is your job to ensure that she is healthy and learns how to properly take care of herself. If her doctor is expressing concern then by all means continue to talk to him about the best course of action, especially if she is binging. Honestly I'm shocked that people are pretty much saying to leave it alone, because binging is equally as dangerous as the other end of the eating disorder spectrum.

She's not as young as my girls, so she should be far more capable of making choices. Sit down and have a conversation with her, even if it is hard. Ask her how she feels, what she would like to do to be as healthy as possible. Let her know your concerns as well. Have her be an active part of meal planning and cooking. See if she would like to go on walks with you.

I don't sugar coat things with my girls, and I'm totally honest with them that by not getting healthier I'm at risk for things like diabetes and losing part of my colon (I have a diagnosed GI disease). I'm also forthright about it largely being my own fault because of poor choices in the past, and I make sure they know that I don't want them to be like me - in my 30's struggling to lose weight with health issues piling up.

We want the best for our kids, and that's what I see you doing here, trying like hell to do whatever you can to help her. I commend you for that.

mfleeg

Not sure about where you live, but look into a local rec center if you have one. In my area, there are fitness classes for teen girls (like zumba, dance, water aerobics). Could be that you need to nudge her and push her into something that would seem more like "fun" than work!

Lizzy622

I dragged my daughter to a water aerobics class with me and she really loved it. You never know what will be her passion and don't be afraid to explore with her. On thing my daughter told me on one of our walks is that she really hated exercising by herself. When she is home from college. I always try to drag her out with me.

Myrmilt

PrizePopple wrote: »

I have two daughters, and to be blunt (just like I am with them) it is your job to ensure that she is healthy and learns how to properly take care of herself. If her doctor is expressing concern then by all means continue to talk to him about the best course of action, especially if she is binging. Honestly I'm shocked that people are pretty much saying to leave it alone, because binging is equally as dangerous as the other end of the eating disorder spectrum.

She's not as young as my girls, so she should be far more capable of making choices. Sit down and have a conversation with her, even if it is hard. Ask her how she feels, what she would like to do to be as healthy as possible. Let her know your concerns as well. Have her be an active part of meal planning and cooking. See if she would like to go on walks with you.

I don't sugar coat things with my girls, and I'm totally honest with them that by not getting healthier I'm at risk for things like diabetes and losing part of my colon (I have a diagnosed GI disease). I'm also forthright about it largely being my own fault because of poor choices in the past, and I make sure they know that I don't want them to be like me - in my 30's struggling to lose weight with health issues piling up.

We want the best for our kids, and that's what I see you doing here, trying like hell to do whatever you can to help her. I commend you for that.

I tend to favor this approach. I have always actively monitored my children's intake, not necessarily for calorie but for nutrients. I am fairly strict about food that is in the home and explain why certain things are limited.

My teen boy is at a healthy weight, however his overall fitness level was lacking at the end of last year. I made him pick a sport, and our forced family fun is now extremely active with hiking. I do not and will not apologize for training my children or forcing them to eat healthy foods and limiting foods that both their doctor and I find to be unhealthy. My job, until they are 18, in my view, is to give them the tools to make their own educated choices, provide a healthy stable environment, and keep them from harm. My goal is that they will leave my house, healthy, fit, whole, conscious of the world around them and able to maneuver in it successfully.

alienbabyjen

omg I wish my mom had done something about me being a fat kid. I starved myself in high school because I was just terrorized all the time and couldn't deal with it anymore. Talk about a lifetime of emotional problems. So yeah, don't leave this alone. Help her any way you can. Maybe even some family therapy might be in order for you both to find a way to communicate about this in a productive manner. Bonus on having a third party suggest things since she's more likely to listen to them.

catherinenz

I don't sugar coat things with my girls, and I'm totally honest with them that by not getting healthier I'm at risk for things like diabetes and losing part of my colon (I have a diagnosed GI disease). I'm also forthright about it largely being my own fault because of poor choices in the past, and I make sure they know that I don't want them to be like me - in my 30's struggling to lose weight with health issues piling up.

]

I agree totally, I'm overweight by about 30kgs and I tell my children it's because of MY bad choices. They've seen me lose 10kgs by making good choices and exercise. One of the reasons I started was my 12 year old was just snacking all the time, being sedentary and piled on the weight, behaviour he'd learnt from me I'm ashamed to say.
Now instead of grabbing potato chips he will make himself a smoothie or grab a sandwich if he's hungry. He's a growing boy, carrot sticks aren't going to cut it !
His pre-teen mood has improved as well as we are pushing him to get more exercise. If it was up to him he'd lie on his bed all day on his ipad.
He doesn't always appreciate our efforts but hey who said being a parent was easy !

sweetsierra

I would say keep leading by example & keep finding teaching moments. Go for walks or runs & invite her along. Do active activities as a family- skiing or hiking or swimming, etc. Keep discovering healthy meals that she loves & have her help you make them. Bring up casually that you've learned a new healthy living tip like having half your plate be veggies, 1/4 meat & 1/4 carb. I would make the focus be on being healthy instead of losing weight etc. Don't take about calories, talk about healthy portions. I hope some of this helps!

lilyann001

I recommend taking her to counseling. It sounds like food may be an emotional issue considering how she calls herself "fat." Choosing not to do activities can also be a sign of confidence issues because she could be afraid how she looks doing to sport and feel like "I can never do well. I'm just too fat." Counselors are specialists in talking with people about behavior/emotional issues. Find one that specializes in helping teenagers, some may also specialize in healthy choices.
As for food, do you guys do family meals? Have it a habit for her to eat home. Also, make sure the Costco salad isn't loaded with sugar.

TossaBeanBag

My kids go exercise with me.

mz_getskinny

This is not the correct place to ask for advice on a controversial topic. Most people will twist your words and turn you into a horrible mother trying to starve out your daughter because you think she is fat.

That being said, I think all you are doing all you can right now. Just try to encourage your whole family to make better food choices and get active together. You definitely don't want her to feel singled out. I would just get everyone on board. Maybe you could all do a couch to 5k together. Get outside and get active together as a family. Cook healthy meals for everyone. Make better choices at the grocery store. This is something I wish my family would have done when I was your daughters age.