Extreme "Diet" failed and back to original weight--what do I do?

doctorana

By replying, I will probably be inviting more hate. But I feel that I have to clarify certain things.

Thanks for all the comments, I know I sound crazy and whiny but that doesnt warrant all the hate. I saw most of the comments on my birthday, which was the day after I posted (I posted partly because I was very worried I would binge on my birthday, and I did). Sometimes the ED thoughts are really strong and I become really illogical to normal people who have never suffered from a serious mental disorder, but it would be better if you tried to empathize or at least use less strong language.

But you guys really helped me in the end. I kinda got put off by all the comments so I didnt dare to log onto mfp for several days. I didnt log my calories and didnt exercise at all, and I have to eat whatever my parents give me. Im not sure how much weight I have gained, but I dont think I will be ever logging calories on mfp again because it is too triggering.

And to all those people who said that I hadnt recovered despite having consistently gained 15 kg in the past 5 months, I have to tell you that I have a very very strong reason for recovering. I went from eating 30 kcal a day to 3000 kcal on my own because I wanted to get into medical school. I gained 10 kg in 2 months because I didnt want to "waste" the 8 Distinctions/'A's that I achieved in the Cambridge A Levels. At least that was what I was telling myself at the time as I stuffed my face with food and turned myself into the "fat and greedy pig" that my ED abhorred. I had binged and gained weight and then relapsed before, but with medical school interviews so close I suddenly decided that I needed to get healthy or I wouldnt be able to achieve my dream. Now that I am training to be a doctor, I will never allow my weight to fall below the weight that I was before my ED (which was 37 kg--I was healthy and ate normally but was petite at 4 ft 11) because my psychiatrist will report me and I will probably be kicked out of medical school. But I would certainly feel more comfortable with myself at 37 kg instead of 41 kg, because I still have body dysmorphia.

In answer to many of the suggestions on getting "professional help", yes I have a psychiatrist, psychologist and dietician. But as mentioned in a previous post, my psychiatrist told me that I should "go easy on the weight gain" (quoted verbatim) when my bmi was just 16.5 or 36.6kg two months ago. Since then I have gained at least 4 kg. My psychiatrist said that partly to appease my mom, who is horrified by my weight gain and keeps telling me that I should "just stay at 37kg". My mom is 37 kg and taller than me, and she has been telling me that I am fat and "flabby" all my life. "Flabby", "greedy" and "selfish" are her favourite words to describe me. Meanwhile my dad just wants me to eat as much as I want and not care about my weight, but I dont know who I should listen to now that I am at a normal weight and still gaining weight.