Fat people in your family hating on your efforts to lose
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amaysngrace
Posts: 742 Member
Okay, I have been trying to lose weight for many years, never thinking I would actually achieve this goal. I was always petite and slim in high school. I began to gain weight while I was in college and continued to balloon being at my highest weight of 240 pounds. Now, I am currently 191 pounds and my goal weight was 150, but now I am shooting for 105.
The problem is that my family is very unsupportive. My grandma on my dad's side and my uncle are very mean. They have been making me the butt of their jokes for many years in front of other friends and family members. Of course, they were always jokes about me being fat. Well, on Memorial Day, I was the slimmest I had ever been in years and now my uncle is the one who is fat. My grandma has always been fat, even though she is the main one making the "fat jokes" about me.
My question to others who may have experienced this in their family is: Why do the people closest to you make fat jokes about the ones they supposedly care for, when they themselves are fat too? My grandma would always point out how fat I was and I knew I was fat, but I did not need her to point this out to me. I was not rude to her and pointing out her fatness to others, or then I would have been considered "the rude one." Secondly, my uncle who is now fat did not even comment on my weight loss, he acted as if he did not notice. I also have a neighbor that acts as if she does not seem to notice my weight loss, even though other neighbors have complimented me, in front of her. Even her daughter came up to me the other day and said something nice about the way I look. Could other people be so bitter that they cant even acknowledge someone else's accomplishment? It is not easy to lose weight and try to eat healthy, at least for me, so this is a big accomplishment.
Has anyone experienced this in their weight loss journey? Please share your stories and if their are any psychologists who would like to weigh in here, feel free to do so. I just need clarity because this was the reason I gained weight to begin with because of people trying to sabotage my efforts by being negative and unsupportive towards me. Why is my grandma and uncle so hateful about the fact that I was fat and now that I am no longer looking fat, they make jokes about something else on me. Mind you, there are other fat people in our family, but I am the "target" for whatever reason.
Anyone share your stories, give me your insight if you have any.
Thanks.
The problem is that my family is very unsupportive. My grandma on my dad's side and my uncle are very mean. They have been making me the butt of their jokes for many years in front of other friends and family members. Of course, they were always jokes about me being fat. Well, on Memorial Day, I was the slimmest I had ever been in years and now my uncle is the one who is fat. My grandma has always been fat, even though she is the main one making the "fat jokes" about me.
My question to others who may have experienced this in their family is: Why do the people closest to you make fat jokes about the ones they supposedly care for, when they themselves are fat too? My grandma would always point out how fat I was and I knew I was fat, but I did not need her to point this out to me. I was not rude to her and pointing out her fatness to others, or then I would have been considered "the rude one." Secondly, my uncle who is now fat did not even comment on my weight loss, he acted as if he did not notice. I also have a neighbor that acts as if she does not seem to notice my weight loss, even though other neighbors have complimented me, in front of her. Even her daughter came up to me the other day and said something nice about the way I look. Could other people be so bitter that they cant even acknowledge someone else's accomplishment? It is not easy to lose weight and try to eat healthy, at least for me, so this is a big accomplishment.
Has anyone experienced this in their weight loss journey? Please share your stories and if their are any psychologists who would like to weigh in here, feel free to do so. I just need clarity because this was the reason I gained weight to begin with because of people trying to sabotage my efforts by being negative and unsupportive towards me. Why is my grandma and uncle so hateful about the fact that I was fat and now that I am no longer looking fat, they make jokes about something else on me. Mind you, there are other fat people in our family, but I am the "target" for whatever reason.
Anyone share your stories, give me your insight if you have any.
Thanks.
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Replies
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First off, I would say this is nothing to do with you, and I would try very hard not to let it get to you. You have been very successful and should be really proud of yourself!
Families are weird. People say things to their close relatives that they wouldn't dream of saying to other people. I was a bit confused by your post - did your grandma continue to make fat jokes/mean remarks to you after you've lost the weight, or was it that she just hasn't mentioned it? With regards to your uncle, he may not have mentioned it because it makes him feel insecure about his weight. Maybe he's jealous. Maybe seeing your success makes him feel inadequate because he feels unable to do the same. Maybe he's embarrassed about the comments he made in the past. Maybe he just doesn't know how to relate to you if not through fat jokes.
As for why people continue to make jokes about you or be mean to you, maybe it's just how they are. Maybe they are just cruel people. Maybe they're just bullies. Some people are like that: the only way they can feel good about themselves is to put other people down. Someone's weight problem is an obvious target, but really it's not about the weight. You might never know why they are that way, but you don't have to get drawn into their mind games.
Just hold your head high, in the knowledge that you are better than them. Not because you're the slim one now, but because you don't feel the need to be cruel to others. Keep doing what you're doing, be proud of yourself, and draw support from the people around you that are actually being supportive. :flowerforyou:0 -
First off, I would say this is nothing to do with you, and I would try very hard not to let it get to you. You have been very successful and should be really proud of yourself!
Families are weird. People say things to their close relatives that they wouldn't dream of saying to other people. I was a bit confused by your post - did your grandma continue to make fat jokes/mean remarks to you after you've lost the weight, or was it that she just hasn't mentioned it? With regards to your uncle, he may not have mentioned it because it makes him feel insecure about his weight. Maybe he's jealous. Maybe seeing your success makes him feel inadequate because he feels unable to do the same. Maybe he's embarrassed about the comments he made in the past. Maybe he just doesn't know how to relate to you if not through fat jokes.
As for why people continue to make jokes about you or be mean to you, maybe it's just how they are. Maybe they are just cruel people. Maybe they're just bullies. Some people are like that: the only way they can feel good about themselves is to put other people down. Someone's weight problem is an obvious target, but really it's not about the weight. You might never know why they are that way, but you don't have to get drawn into their mind games.
Just hold your head high, in the knowledge that you are better than them. Not because you're the slim one now, but because you don't feel the need to be cruel to others. Keep doing what you're doing, be proud of yourself, and draw support from the people around you that are actually being supportive. :flowerforyou:
No, my grandma has mentioned how skinny I am now, but she still makes me the butt of her jokes, although they are not about being fat anymore.0 -
I think that part of it has to do with the fact that you are getting healthier in spite of having so many challenges in your life (ok, I peeked at your bio and I have to say you rock). You are taking care of YOU, and others--even family members and neighbors--might feel a little threatened because you are doing something that they can't/don't want to. Another possible take: perhaps the fat jokes in the past came as a way for others to establish their authority over you or some other relational boundary, and now that you are healthier and thinner it's possible that they do not know how to relate the same way. I have some people in my life that I have stopped expecting any sort of support from--they are extremely competitive people and I don't spend any emotional energy on them anymore.
I agree that you should be EXTREMELY proud of yourself. So amazing and strong!0 -
Dang,
I can understand your uncle making fun but granny?
I had a co-worker who is a personal trainer outside of work, roll her eyes after looking at me.
I guess my weight disgusts her.
Another co-worker asked if I was losing weight before I even started to lose weight. She said I was shaped like a box. (I just ignored her).
Just keep doing your thing, keep losing weight and be healthy.0 -
Just hold your head high, in the knowledge that you are better than them. Not because you're the slim one now, but because you don't feel the need to be cruel to others. Keep doing what you're doing, be proud of yourself, and draw support from the people around you that are actually being supportive. :flowerforyou:
Well said! I think Grandma and Uncle just need to pick on someone ... anyone. That's just who they are.0 -
No. When I was losing wait everyone was super helpful and nice about it.
That grandma sounds like a cold hearted b****.0 -
It seems to me that they are projecting their dislike of themselves for how they look onto you.0
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they dont see your dream girl. i hope it goes well. here is a song that pumps me up.
http://youtu.be/mV6LsR2jCjs 0 -
Sounds like your family is just unpleasant in general. The good thing is you aren't doing this for them, so it doesn't matter if they notice or not.
If I were you I would expose myself to them as little as possible. They sound like toxic people who want to do nothing but tear you down.
Good luck.0 -
If they didn't make fat jokes, they were acknowledging it.
That said, nobody in my family has commented on my weight loss, though they have plenty to say about my food choices. It does hurt, I guess, but it isn't something I'm doing for them. I suggest you stop trying to understand them and do what I do: deal.0 -
I have experienced this. What you have to understand is that people that "hate" on you or try to make you feel bad usually have insecurity issues. You are doing what is needed to keep yourself happy and healthy enought to raise your son (I am the caregiver to my nephew who is austistic and semi-verbal, as well). Please do not let detractors, even those related to you impede you from reaching your goals. In addition, I will add that in African-American communities we tend to make jokes about our shortcomings. It is a bit of a cultural thing. However, if you do not find this amusing or if you feel that it is malevolent in nature, I would point it out and ask that it be stopped. I know that it is difficult to tell this to your grandmother, as you are trying to remain respectful, but you have the right to have supportive people around you. You may have to refrain from seeing her and the rest of your family that are are making these remarks as much. We need to start speaking in the positive rather than the negative. You deserve to be the best you you can be, regardless of what others say and think. Just my 2 cents...0
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Why is my grandma and uncle so hateful about the fact that I was fat and now that I am no longer looking fat, they make jokes about something else on me. Mind you, there are other fat people in our family, but I am the "target" for whatever reason.
Do you still think this about your weight? Come on! Mean people are mean. You could be on the cover of Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition and they would probably hate on you because you were a chump to pose for pictures in Jamaica instead of Tahiti.0 -
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I don't have any good advice to offer, as I've never been in that position.
I've never tolerated that kind of treatment from people, least of all from family (and they know it). I'm a shy person, but some how I learned to project "don't **** with me". I don't know how to teach you to do that, but I hope you find it.0 -
The only people that can get away with making jokes about me consistently is family, it's a little bit like having buddies who give you good-natured ribbing. I would not tolerate total strangers making fun of me, because I don't believe they do it in good faith.
Having said that, if you can't handle the jokes, then you have the right to tell them to stop. If they really do care about you, they would acknowledge that it's a sensitive subject that they shouldn't make fun of.
Better yet, keep dieting and working out until you have the body of Halle Berry. Let's see them make fat jokes about it.0 -
I agree with this. If you have asked them to stop and they won't, limit the time you are around them. Yes, they are family but you don't need to stand there and take the insults. If you up and leave every time they make a joke or say something nasty, they will get the point that it is unacceptable. You are an adult and set the standard for how people can treat you.
If I were you I would expose myself to them as little as possible. They sound like toxic people who want to do nothing but tear you down.
As for your neighbor not recognizing your (awesome!) accomplishments, it might just be awkward for her to say something, not that she hasn't noticed.0 -
Wah.. wah.. do you really need your neighbor to acknowledge your weight loss? It's not like you got fat because of her, and you're doing her a favor by losing it.
Anyways, that was not the point, but whatever makes you feel better.0 -
I have experienced this. What you have to understand is that people that "hate" on you or try to make you feel bad usually have insecurity issues. You are doing what is needed to keep yourself happy and healthy enought to raise your son (I am the caregiver to my nephew who is austistic and semi-verbal, as well). Please do not let detractors, even those related to you impede you from reaching your goals. In addition, I will add that in African-American communities we tend to make jokes about our shortcomings. It is a bit of a cultural thing. However, if you do not find this amusing or if you feel that it is malevolent in nature, I would point it out and ask that it be stopped. I know that it is difficult to tell this to your grandmother, as you are trying to remain respectful, but you have the right to have supportive people around you. You may have to refrain from seeing her and the rest of your family that are are making these remarks as much. We need to start speaking in the positive rather than the negative. You deserve to be the best you you can be, regardless of what others say and think. Just my 2 cents...
Girl, I agree with you 100.0 -
The only people that can get away with making jokes about me consistently is family, it's a little bit like having buddies who give you good-natured ribbing. I would not tolerate total strangers making fun of me, because I don't believe they do it in good faith.
Having said that, if you can't handle the jokes, then you have the right to tell them to stop. If they really do care about you, they would acknowledge that it's a sensitive subject that they shouldn't make fun of.
Better yet, keep dieting and working out until you have the body of Halle Berry. Let's see them make fat jokes about it.
I agree, but my grandma thinks that she can do as she pleases, as she has no one to "check her" on her ways being the matriarch and all. They know that I do not like the jokes and I have already told them this, but they keep on doing it. Then when I say something about them after being fed up with their behaviors, they are ready to fight.0 -
I agree with this. If you have asked them to stop and they won't, limit the time you are around them. Yes, they are family but you don't need to stand there and take the insults. If you up and leave every time they make a joke or say something nasty, they will get the point that it is unacceptable. You are an adult and set the standard for how people can treat you.
If I were you I would expose myself to them as little as possible. They sound like toxic people who want to do nothing but tear you down.
As for your neighbor not recognizing your (awesome!) accomplishments, it might just be awkward for her to say something, not that she hasn't noticed.
Thank you, this is a good point. In the past, I did stay away from my grandma and my uncle (they live together) for 6 months because he was talking crazy to me. Then she had the nerve to ask me why did I stay away for so long, when it was him not her that was talking crazy. So, I know that if I have to limit the exposure, I will definitely do so.0 -
I think that part of it has to do with the fact that you are getting healthier in spite of having so many challenges in your life (ok, I peeked at your bio and I have to say you rock). You are taking care of YOU, and others--even family members and neighbors--might feel a little threatened because you are doing something that they can't/don't want to. Another possible take: perhaps the fat jokes in the past came as a way for others to establish their authority over you or some other relational boundary, and now that you are healthier and thinner it's possible that they do not know how to relate the same way. I have some people in my life that I have stopped expecting any sort of support from--they are extremely competitive people and I don't spend any emotional energy on them anymore.
I agree that you should be EXTREMELY proud of yourself. So amazing and strong!
Thank you, I appreciate this! Sometimes, I tend to doubt myself, it feels good to hear this from time to time.0
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