Is it important that your Spouse lose weight too?
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My husband is losing weight on his own terms. I asked him to join here, and he doesn't want to. He's doing his thing, and I'm doing mine. I just continue to make food that fits into my goals, and he doesn't complain when I measure out his food along with mine. I think he secretly enjoys knowing that if that's what I'm having then it's a proper serving. :laugh:0
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noexcusesjustresults2014 wrote: »0somuchbetter0 wrote: »noexcusesjustresults2014 wrote: »I have never been married or dated an overweight person so I can't comment on that. To my fellow single MFP members I would like to say the best solution to the above problems is prevention!
Not only seek out partners who are aerobically fit, but be sure they have the requisite plan and motivation to remain so for a lifetime. Absent medical problems outside of their control, becoming overweight is a choice.
I choose to avoid dated anyone who would do anything to diminish their life expectancy (a selfish decision not only impacting them but their entire family). This is not just about weight. I also would never date a smoker, someone who rides a motorcycle or does not buckle their seat beat (although I respect the right of everyone to make those choices).
Ah, youth. You never know what's going to happen in the future. What if you fall in love with a guy tomorrow who is physically fit, but as the years pass, his weight creeps up. Are you going to file for divorce when he becomes 20 lbs overweight? 50 lbs? What if it happens to you? You have a couple of kids, you hit 50, your metabolism slows down...the lbs sneak up on you. Are you going to be understanding when he leaves you for a thinner, fitter woman?
My age is not relevant here. Don't insult my intelligence. I will complete college before I turn 21 and expect to enroll in one of the top med schools in the country. I know how to count. I expect my spouse will be able to count as well. If/when his metabolism slows down he will increase his exercise and/or reduce his caloric intake. Nobody in my family has ever been 1 pound overweight. Like I said unless there is a serious medical condition (which I would accept) its about basic math and willpower. 50 pounds cannot "sneak up" on someone who owns a scale.
Your comment about kids is horrible. Being 50 pounds overweight would negatively impact my life expectancy. How would my kids feel if they knew I purposely chose to decrease the chance I would live to see my grandchildren complete graduate school or get married? I wont judge anyone else, but I would never do that to my family.
O_O
Well. when you know what you want, you know what you want. It's nice that your family hasn't had any weight issues, mine certainly has and it has created a lot of issues....Hopefully you can keep up that trend in a nice healthy way and mindset...
Anyways..
My partner is overweight, and I don't really care, but I do worry about his health. a lot. so I try to encourage healthy eating and exercise. But I love him, so it's not a deal breaker. That's what love is about I suppose.
Granted I suppose everyone has their limits. If his weight made him REALLY sick and he wasn't doing anything to help himself. well we would have words.
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Iwishyouwell wrote: »
How important is it that your spouse have the desire, and make the effort, to join in their own weight loss pursuit? Do you find yourself holding them up to similar standards as you do yourself? If they aren't losing weight, or getting fit, and don't plan to, is that an issue in your marriage?
Do I wish my wife would share my interest in health and fitness? Yes. But I'm not going to bug her about it. I spent an entire decade being a complete slug. I can't expect her to suddenly change her lifestyle just because I did. I will love my wife whether she changes or not. But I'd worry less about her health if she'd join me.
^^ This. Exactly.
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I don't care if my husband looses weight, but I want him to be healthy. Luckily, he has improved his health tremendously since we got married, even though he's actually gained a few pounds.0
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bornforbattles wrote: »I look at it like this, I'm always going to be fit so why should I be with someone that isn't/wont be?
Are you currently married?0 -
DiabolicalColossus wrote: »For his health, yes.
For his appearance, no.
^^ yep0 -
Not at all. Then again she's already in shape and looking sexy. The only thing I encourage is that she weight train for bone and muscle density.0
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Iwishyouwell wrote: »How important is it that your spouse have the desire, and make the effort, to join in their own weight loss pursuit?
Anything less is nothing short of sabotage.
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My husband has always had his weight pretty in check (even though he is probably in the "overweight" category), and I've been obese/morbidly obese since we first met. I'm not pestering him to join me on this lifestyle change, but I also shop for and cook all the food so him losing 15 pounds since I started has been a "side effect" to my own personal changes in the kitchen.
He'll eat whatever I put in front of him. 0 -
Iwishyouwell wrote: »0somuchbetter0 wrote: »Ah, youth. You never know what's going to happen in the future. What if you fall in love with a guy tomorrow who is physically fit, but as the years pass, his weight creeps up. Are you going to file for divorce when he becomes 20 lbs overweight? 50 lbs? What if it happens to you? You have a couple of kids, you hit 50, your metabolism slows down...the lbs sneak up on you. Are you going to be understanding when he leaves you for a thinner, fitter woman?
That's not really fair though.
For two people who are active and fit as a passion, the weight isn't as likely to just "creep up" on them. That's more typical of people who never really paid much attention to their eating, or stopped doing so a long time before they woke up 50 lbs overweight.
Not all middle aged people get fat. I have three uncles on my mom's side, all in their 60's; for two of them fitness and keeping their weight down has been an endeavour for as long as I have memory of them. As a result both are still in incredible shape. The other uncle is now obese. He, like the other two, was always slim, but it was "effortless". The "weight creep" happened because he was never in a mindset that you have to work to keep your body fit and healthy.
Me personally? I fell in love with my wife as a teenager. She was never a fitness buff, so that wasn't a prerequisite for me. It wasn't until we were together for 7 years or so before she showed any interest in trying to get really fit. Health, fitness, weight loss, all important to me, but those weren't the foundations our connection or relationship was built on. So yeah, her putting on a lot of weight, or me putting on a lot of weight, hasn't killed our relationship at all.
But if two people mutually agree at the top of a relationship that fitness and health are mutual passions that both are expected to work hard to maintain, short of some serious medical issue, they should be be expected to continue in that lifestyle. I don't see it as any different than two spouses agreeing that smoking isn't welcome in their marriage, or that cheating on each other isn't allowed.
I suppose you're right...if it's a passion. I was talking more about regular people who never have a weight problem and just eat whatever they want and then all of a sudden they develop a gut in middle age. It's more common than not. I'm not the kind of person who would leave my husband over that, but I suppose some people would. And I don't think it's as extreme as agreeing not to smoke or cheat.0 -
noexcusesjustresults2014 wrote: »0somuchbetter0 wrote: »noexcusesjustresults2014 wrote: »I have never been married or dated an overweight person so I can't comment on that. To my fellow single MFP members I would like to say the best solution to the above problems is prevention!
Not only seek out partners who are aerobically fit, but be sure they have the requisite plan and motivation to remain so for a lifetime. Absent medical problems outside of their control, becoming overweight is a choice.
I choose to avoid dated anyone who would do anything to diminish their life expectancy (a selfish decision not only impacting them but their entire family). This is not just about weight. I also would never date a smoker, someone who rides a motorcycle or does not buckle their seat beat (although I respect the right of everyone to make those choices).
Ah, youth. You never know what's going to happen in the future. What if you fall in love with a guy tomorrow who is physically fit, but as the years pass, his weight creeps up. Are you going to file for divorce when he becomes 20 lbs overweight? 50 lbs? What if it happens to you? You have a couple of kids, you hit 50, your metabolism slows down...the lbs sneak up on you. Are you going to be understanding when he leaves you for a thinner, fitter woman?
My age is not relevant here. Don't insult my intelligence. I will complete college before I turn 21 and expect to enroll in one of the top med schools in the country. I know how to count. I expect my spouse will be able to count as well. If/when his metabolism slows down he will increase his exercise and/or reduce his caloric intake. Nobody in my family has ever been 1 pound overweight. Like I said unless there is a serious medical condition (which I would accept) its about basic math and willpower. 50 pounds cannot "sneak up" on someone who owns a scale.
Your comment about kids is horrible. Being 50 pounds overweight would negatively impact my life expectancy. How would my kids feel if they knew I purposely chose to decrease the chance I would live to see my grandchildren complete graduate school or get married? I wont judge anyone else, but I would never do that to my family.
Your intelligence never even entered my mind. Your age is absolutely relevant. No one can deny that at age 20 you simply don't have much life experience. I'm not judging you, I'm just stating a fact. You don't know what your life is going to be like in 20 years and you certainly don't know what your hypothetical spouse is going to be like then. One thing I remember about being your age is feeling like I had it all figured out and that middle aged people were idiots who just didn't get it. I laugh now at my 20 year old self. If that sounds condescending, sorry, but around the time you hit 30 you'll realize that you didn't know anything about life at 20...or 25...or 30, for that matter. And by the time you hit 40 you'll realize that it's ok to be completely clueless and just muddle through and do your best. cheers
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noexcusesjustresults2014 wrote: »
My age is not relevant here. Don't insult my intelligence. I will complete college before I turn 21 and expect to enroll in one of the top med schools in the country. I know how to count. I expect my spouse will be able to count as well. If/when his metabolism slows down he will increase his exercise and/or reduce his caloric intake. Nobody in my family has ever been 1 pound overweight. Like I said unless there is a serious medical condition (which I would accept) its about basic math and willpower. 50 pounds cannot "sneak up" on someone who owns a scale.
Your comment about kids is horrible. Being 50 pounds overweight would negatively impact my life expectancy. How would my kids feel if they knew I purposely chose to decrease the chance I would live to see my grandchildren complete graduate school or get married? I wont judge anyone else, but I would never do that to my family.
Well, aren't you just a perfect little snowflake.
Actually, you are quite judgmental and very condescending quite often, so don't go around acting like your poop doesn't stink. I already feel sorry for your future husband.-5 -
My husband really, really needs to lose weight, but nobody can make that decision for him but him. I have needed to lose weight for a long time, but nothing has gotten me motivated except me. My husband has to come to his own decisions. All adults do, IMO. If he ever decides he does want to lose weight, I will support him.
It wouldn't be a revelation if I told him he is overweight, nor if I told him that his health is important, or told him that veggies instead of Doritos would be a better choice. He already knows all those things. Fat people know we're fat. We know when body parts hurt. We know when we can't find non-plus-size clothes. I know my husband feels all these things, because he mentions them.
It's not a question of him learning better choices, or my leading him to good health or something. It's a matter of him being ready, and willing. Just like it was for me. Just because I have decided now is my time to buckle down doesn't mean he is on the same page.
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Iwishyouwell wrote: »Many, if not most, of us here constitute the less fat/former fat/how'd I get so fat crowd who have decided that weight loss, for whatever reasons, is an imperative part of our journeys.
And a lot of us have spouses who likewise are overweight or obese.
How important is it that your spouse have the desire, and make the effort, to join in their own weight loss pursuit? Do you find yourself holding them up to similar standards as you do yourself? If they aren't losing weight, or getting fit, and don't plan to, is that an issue in your marriage?
Not important. Nope and no.
When I met my husband, I was at a perfectly healthy weight for my height. He was slightly overweight, but it didn't bother me one bit. We dated for a bit, got engaged, moved in together and then married. However, about the time I moved in with him, I got lazy. I stopped working out and started gaining weight. When I became pregnant with our first child, I was 200lbs (roughly 52lbs or so over the healthy weight range for my height) and he had gained a bit of weight as well (although not as much as me). My first pregnancy was a mess. I gained weight rapidly, my hormones were all over the place and it ended at 34 weeks with pre-eclampsia/c-section/60lb gain (my son however was born healthy, had to spend some time in the NICU for weight gain though). Again, my husband put on some weight at the same time, but again it still wasn't as bad as mine.
Through all of this, my husband stuck by my side. Even at 260lbs, he never said anything that implied I needed to lose weight.
Now after our first was born and I was cleared to workout, I went straight to work on my weight. My husband eventually joined me in my efforts. However, I never did ask him to. I never asked him to eat like I was or to exercise. When I started counting calories, he scoffed at me. After about 10lbs lost, while he was stuck at the same weight, he joined me here on MFP. Then I started to weigh food on a scale and again at first he scoffed at me. Guess what, he is now weighing his food. One thing I have noticed is that, he seems to only try to lose weight if I am actively trying. When I was pregnant with our second son last year, he stopped and gained weight with me (which he now beats himself up about, since he gained almost as much as I did). Now that I'm back to working on my weight, so is he. It's a little weird to me, but what can I do. I don't pressure him to lose weight and unless he is actively trying to lose weight, I try to avoid discussions about it.
I would never hold it against him if he decided not to lose weight.0 -
PrizePopple wrote: »noexcusesjustresults2014 wrote: »
My age is not relevant here. Don't insult my intelligence. I will complete college before I turn 21 and expect to enroll in one of the top med schools in the country. I know how to count. I expect my spouse will be able to count as well. If/when his metabolism slows down he will increase his exercise and/or reduce his caloric intake. Nobody in my family has ever been 1 pound overweight. Like I said unless there is a serious medical condition (which I would accept) its about basic math and willpower. 50 pounds cannot "sneak up" on someone who owns a scale.
Your comment about kids is horrible. Being 50 pounds overweight would negatively impact my life expectancy. How would my kids feel if they knew I purposely chose to decrease the chance I would live to see my grandchildren complete graduate school or get married? I wont judge anyone else, but I would never do that to my family.
Well, aren't you just a perfect little snowflake.
Actually, you are quite judgmental and very condescending quite often, so don't go around acting like your poop doesn't stink. I already feel sorry for your future husband.
I think you confuse "condescending" with an honest opinion about how I feel personally with no judgement against those who disagree.
I never said I was perfect.
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My husband could certainly stand to lose a few - but I never have and never will ride him about it. I love him no matter what his weight, just as he loved me even when I was fat.
I have always cook whatever desires and then cook a less caloric meal for myself. I love to cook so this was never an issue.
By the time I'd lost 25lbs and the weight loss started to show; my husband decided that he wanted eat the same things that I cook for myself. He, of course, still eats much more than I do - but at least he's made the decision to make this small change.
I only care about his health - not his size - so it makes me happy that he is trying to be more active and eating a little better than he used to.
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For me, I would really prefer that he be willing to get fit with me. This is really just about his health more than appearance as others have stated. We have a child and I also think we should be good role models in showing her how to eat and exercise. His family has a bad history of obesity and I see how it has effected them mentally and physically (as does he) and I want more for him. That being said, I know that it is a decision he has to make himself, but I will encourage him and help him every step of the way. It is also easier for me to be able to be healthy when he is on board because he is the type of person that likes to eat out and make comments like "doesn't ______ sound so good right now!" which does put a lot of unwanted pressure on me. If he didn't try to get me to cheat all the time then it probably wouldn't be so bad. I guess I have mixed feelings on this and definitely think it will differ from person to person and their situation, health history, and their support towards your choices.0
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Awesome attitude!HappyCampr1 wrote: »I could care less if my husband loses weight. I love him for who he is, not what he looks like. It seems pretty self-centered to expect him to change his whole lifestyle because I wanted to lose weight. When we met, I was 21 and 123 pounds. Last year, I was 47 and second category obese, and that man never once made a comment about my weight. Not once in our 27 years together. The least I can do is not harass him about his.
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Iwishyouwell wrote: »How important is it that your spouse have the desire, and make the effort, to join in their own weight loss pursuit?
Anything less is nothing short of sabotage.
Sabotage? Really? So if two people in a relationship are a bit overweight and a bit lazy, and one of them decides they don't want to be anymore, why on earth would you expect the other to change as well? That's their choice. I eat low carb, and have lost 60+ lbs. My partner sits on the couch and eats lollies of an evening while watching TV. He has a belly. He's not big, but he's soft. And I don't mind a bit. I certainly don't think his food choices are any more my business than mine are his. Sabotage? lol ... because it's ALL about you?-1 -
Iwishyouwell wrote: »How important is it that your spouse have the desire, and make the effort, to join in their own weight loss pursuit?
Anything less is nothing short of sabotage.
Sabotage? Really? So if two people in a relationship are a bit overweight and a bit lazy, and one of them decides they don't want to be anymore, why on earth would you expect the other to change as well? That's their choice. I eat low carb, and have lost 60+ lbs. My partner sits on the couch and eats lollies of an evening while watching TV. He has a belly. He's not big, but he's soft. And I don't mind a bit. I certainly don't think his food choices are any more my business than mine are his. Sabotage? lol ... because it's ALL about you?
lol Mr_Knight was clearly joking about "sabotage". Its called sarcasm0 -
noexcusesjustresults2014 wrote: »Iwishyouwell wrote: »How important is it that your spouse have the desire, and make the effort, to join in their own weight loss pursuit?
Anything less is nothing short of sabotage.
Sabotage? Really? So if two people in a relationship are a bit overweight and a bit lazy, and one of them decides they don't want to be anymore, why on earth would you expect the other to change as well? That's their choice. I eat low carb, and have lost 60+ lbs. My partner sits on the couch and eats lollies of an evening while watching TV. He has a belly. He's not big, but he's soft. And I don't mind a bit. I certainly don't think his food choices are any more my business than mine are his. Sabotage? lol ... because it's ALL about you?
lol Mr_Knight was clearly joking about "sabotage". Its called sarcasm
:drinker:0 -
Well, losing weight is good for health and a better metabolism incase he is over weight. Also, if you are losing weight, it must be really cute to see your spouse insecure if he wants to. looks are of no concern when it comes to partners. But their health is
For me, my boyfriend is my best fitness buddy and my biggest inspiration and motivator.0 -
noexcusesjustresults2014 wrote: »Iwishyouwell wrote: »How important is it that your spouse have the desire, and make the effort, to join in their own weight loss pursuit?
Anything less is nothing short of sabotage.
Sabotage? Really? So if two people in a relationship are a bit overweight and a bit lazy, and one of them decides they don't want to be anymore, why on earth would you expect the other to change as well? That's their choice. I eat low carb, and have lost 60+ lbs. My partner sits on the couch and eats lollies of an evening while watching TV. He has a belly. He's not big, but he's soft. And I don't mind a bit. I certainly don't think his food choices are any more my business than mine are his. Sabotage? lol ... because it's ALL about you?
lol Mr_Knight was clearly joking about "sabotage". Its called sarcasm
as he often does.0 -
I suspect that this is more of an issue with men than women. Personally, I'd love to date women who are thin (or even my own weight), but at my age and location, they are pretty uncommon. That's just the way it is.0
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I don't care if my boyfriend loses weight. I love him exactly the way he is, but I would still love him if he lost weight or even gained. However, I know that his weight is a big downer for his self-esteem. He calls himself a blob quite often because since he had double hip replacements, he has gained quite a bit of weight and lost his fighting form.
I find it interesting that he expects me to lose weight so I'm not a "blob" and even got mad when I did not make progress fast enough for him... yet he does nothing to address his own weight even though it is an issue for him. He plows through ice cream, cookies, treats... he comes home and plops down in front of the computer or TV and grazes/drinks beer for the rest of the night. /sigh0 -
0somuchbetter0 wrote: »
I suppose you're right...if it's a passion. I was talking more about regular people who never have a weight problem and just eat whatever they want and then all of a sudden they develop a gut in middle age. It's more common than not. I'm not the kind of person who would leave my husband over that, but I suppose some people would.
I definitely got what kind of situation you were alluding to. But here's the thing, the young woman you quoted specifically was talking about not being a "regular" person. She has a passion for fitness and comes from a family that isn't overweight. So her standards are different than the average person who doesn't pay much attention then "suddenly" gains a lot of weight when they get older.0somuchbetter0 wrote: »And I don't think it's as extreme as agreeing not to smoke or cheat.
It's not as extreme...to you. Which I respect. It's not that extreme for me either.
But that's just not the case for everyone. Everyone isn't so laissez-faire about weight and fitness. They aren't the norm, but there are plenty of couples that have a mutual passion for, and expectation of, good weight management and a continual pursuit for fitness and health.
For them having a massive 50 lbs weight "creep", with no legit reason, would be a serious, massive problem.0 -
My dh is at a normal, healthy weight. He has always weighed less than me since I've known him. Actually one of my goals is to weigh less than he does someday. It would be awesome.0
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Iwishyouwell wrote: »0somuchbetter0 wrote: »
I suppose you're right...if it's a passion. I was talking more about regular people who never have a weight problem and just eat whatever they want and then all of a sudden they develop a gut in middle age. It's more common than not. I'm not the kind of person who would leave my husband over that, but I suppose some people would.
I definitely got what kind of situation you were alluding to. But here's the thing, the young woman you quoted specifically was talking about not being a "regular" person. She has a passion for fitness and comes from a family that isn't overweight. So her standards are different than the average person who doesn't pay much attention then "suddenly" gains a lot of weight when they get older.0somuchbetter0 wrote: »And I don't think it's as extreme as agreeing not to smoke or cheat.
It's not as extreme...to you. Which I respect. It's not that extreme for me either.
But that's just not the case for everyone. Everyone isn't so laissez-faire about weight and fitness. They aren't the norm, but there are plenty of couples that have a mutual passion for, and expectation of, good weight management and a continual pursuit for fitness and health.
For them having a massive 50 lbs weight "creep", with no legit reason, would be a serious, massive problem.
OK...I see your point. But you're talking about a small minority of the population.
My husband is a typical example of the "weight creep." He comes from a normal weight family, never paid much attention to his diet. He's been active duty Army for 20+ years so has always stayed in shape so he can pass his PT tests (running, sit ups, push ups, chin ups), but he's never been an avid fitness person. When he was younger, if he wanted to drop a few pounds, he would just skip dinner for a week and voila. Now that he's in his 50s that doesn't work so well. His weight has definitely creeped up and he seems perplexed. He does silly (to me) things like starve himself all day and then plans to eat a "normal" dinner, but in reality he comes home from work so famished he just eats everything in sight until he goes to bed, so he's probably packing in 3000 calories between 6 and 11 pm. I've talked to him about tracking calories, etc., but he can't be bothered. He'd like to lose about 20-30 lbs now. I won't nag him. I just hope that when he retires from the Army his weight doesn't shoot up and affect his cholesterol (already high) and his genetic propensity for diabetes.0 -
I haven't had a chance to read all the comments, it looks like it got kind of heated. My husband really doesn't have any extra weight he is lugging around. It is important to me that he support me in my efforts and that we choose to eat healthy as a family, set good examples for our children.0
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I can't help but consider this issue from the perspective of the spouse who is not actively trying to get fit and lean. If one partner suddenly gets the fitness bug and starts to make radical changes to the way they want to eat or starts taking a lot of time away from the family for their exercise, it could very well cause some issues in the marriage. Even if they say nothing about the other's looks or fitness, there can be an implied judgment just based on what they now seem to value above all else.0
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